How No Contact Feels – Part Two

HOW NO CONTACT FEELS -PART TWO

 

The response of the Lesser Narcissist to the implementation of No Contact has been described, what then of the Mid-Range Narcissist? Let us begin with the scenario where you have decided to escape him and you convey this news to him in person.

The declaration that you are ending the Formal Relationship will naturally result in the Mid Ranger experiencing criticism and thus his fury will be ignited. Unlike the Lesser, The Mid Ranger will be able to exert some control over this ignited fury. He also tends to have it manifest as cold fury, rather than heated fury. The initial response will be for the Mid Ranger to keep the ignited fury under control. Instead, he will focus his energies on a Preventative Hoover as he tries to stop you from moving forward with your stated intention. The Mid Ranger will rarely utilise charm in the Preventative Hoover (unlike the Greater) but instead will opt for deploying a Pity Play and appealing to your empathic traits such as compassion, pity and guilt. The Mid Ranger, will not, at least at first, lash out like a Lesser. He can maintain some control for a short period of time. He is also predisposed to acting in a passive aggressive manner along with having the benefit of having some calculating ability. He will realise that you are naturally dissatisfied with his behaviour and performance in the Formal Relationship and this is what he will seize on. Whilst he is able to maintain control, he will opt for apologising and showing apparent recognition of the faults you may well have described in your parting shot. When telling a Mid Ranger that the Formal Relationship is at an end, you should expect to hear the following comments: –

“I realise now that things are not as good as they should be, I am sorry.”

“You are right; I have not been thinking about you as much as I should have.”

“I have been busy with work and I have neglected you. I guess I have been trying to do the right thing for us by working hard, but I got it wrong.”

“I won’t be able to manage without you.”

“You cannot leave me; I won’t know what to do.”

“I will be lost without you.”

“I should have realised sooner but I have been distracted, I have not treated you as well as I should have.”

“Please give me a chance to put things right.”

“You are right in what you say, I need to change. I can. Please will you help me?”

“I just need another chance and you will see that I can makes things right again.”

You can expect earnest looks, tears and apparent remorse and contrition. None of it is real in terms of being meant for you. Instead this is the manifestation of the Mid-Ranger’s growing fear at the looming loss of his primary source. He is fearful for himself, feels sorry for himself and appears to be contrite and remorseful purely as a device to stop you from leaving.

If this Preventative Hoover fails, then the Mid-Range suffers a further criticism and now his ignited fury can no longer be kept under control. He lacks the ability to continue this control and furthermore the increased criticism has wounded him considerably meaning the wound needs to be healed. The ignited fury causes him to seek fuel and since you are proximate to him, that fuel will be sought from you.

The immediate manifestation of this ignited fury will be through cold fury. The Mid Ranger will sulkily seek to apply emotional blackmail against you in order to provoke a reaction from you and thus gain fuel. Expect to hear comments such as: –

“I cannot believe you are doing this after everything that I have done for you.”

“So, this is how you treat someone who has loved you like nobody else?”

“How can you do this to me? Don’t I mean anything to you?”

“I was right. You are just selfish aren’t you? I have done so much for you and you treat me like dirt.”

“You are a selfish bitch, all my friends said you would do this, but oh no, I defended you. Looks like I wasted my time.”

Note how in the Preventative Hoover there was apparently some recognition of being at fault, some sense of culpability and blame? That was false and this is demonstrated by the sudden switch to blaming you instead. It was never the fault of the Mid Ranger; it was your fault all along. He is hard done to and you are the horrible, awful person who has been so beastly to him.

If you react and provide fuel, the Mid Ranger will keep going, laying the guilt on thick in order to heal his wound with the fuel that you have provided. If you supply sufficient fuel for this to happen and his ignited fury is extinguished, he will then withdraw. He will not risk attempting a further Preventative Hoover. He has enough awareness to realise that his shift to blaming you, insulting you and accusing you of being the one at fault will not bring you back. However, with fury extinguished he will instead withdraw and turn his attention to seeking a new primary source. You will be let go and in his mind the Mid-Ranger will be the one who has ended it.

If you fail to provide any fuel at this additional criticism, if you are dealing with a Lower Mid-Ranger you may find yourself subjected to some property destruction and/or low level violence (slapping, pushing, spitting) in order to try again to draw fuel. If it is provided, the behaviour will continue until the fury is extinguished and then he will withdraw.

If you fail to provide any fuel, then the Mid Ranger will effectively flounce off and walk away from you. This happens for two reasons. Firstly, this enables him to maintain that he ended the relationship with you. Secondly, this is because he will now seek out sympathetic secondary and even tertiary sources to regale them with his tale of woe at how horrible you have been and to smear you. This will garner him the fuel he needs (since you failed to provide it) and his wound will be addressed. He will then focus on acquiring the new primary source to replace you, leaving you alone. The Mid Ranger will be extensive in his smearing of you and the sucking up of sympathy from anybody and everybody. He will play the victim to a considerable degree and is therefore likely to obtain the fuel he needs to heal his wound and then provide him with the energy to seek out the new primary source. He will play the hard done to spouse, the cuckolded boyfriend as he invents all manner of tales about your reprehensible behaviour in order to milk the situation he is in for all it is worth.

If you do not tell the Mid Ranger that the Formal Relationship has ended in person and instead you send a message, leave a note and let him work it out for himself, he will attempt to prevent the implementation of No Contact through a Preventative Hoover before it is too late. You will be bombarded with messages, telephone calls and personal appearances for the purpose of pleading with you and begging you. Expect stones thrown at your window and begging displays from underneath your bedroom window. His remorse will be extensive and the desire to change significant but it is all part of the Preventative Hoover. If this fails, he will switch to lashing out at you as described above in order to try and gain fuel.

If the Mid Ranger is unable to effect any kind of contact with you since your implementation of No Contact has been so total, he will be forced to seek fuel from secondary and tertiary sources. He will do so on the basis of self-pity, misery and wanting sympathy from those sources. The Mid Ranger is apt to using this sympathy milking to promote an inner circle friend who is comforting him during this terrible period to a new primary source so that he gains fuel quickly and is then able to focus on this person and forget about you. If there is no promotion, even whilst drawing the sympathy fuel form secondary and tertiary sources the Mid Ranger will be looking for a new primary source in order to re-instate the appropriate fuel level which has been removed by your commencing No Contact.

If the Mid Ranger should find himself in the position of not being able to draw fuel from secondary or tertiary sources or he uses up those reserves before he is able to secure a new primary source, then he will slip into isolation and depression. This is rare for the Mid Ranger. This is because invariably he has enough cognitive function to draw the fuel from secondary and tertiary sources to sustain him whilst he secures a primary source. He has enough ability to know how to portray his situation to maximise his position.

The Mid Ranger, of the three schools of narcissism behaves the most pathetically when there is the threat of and the subsequent implementation of No Contact. He first begs and pleads. If that does not work, he blames and lashes out verbally, but it is petulant and sulky. There is no terrible fury like that of the Lesser. He is not even able to launch into strong violence, opting instead for milder forms as described above. Eventually he withdraws and seeks the solace of others by doling out pity plays to anybody who will listen and leaving you well alone for fear of further criticism.

Of course hoovers may follow in the future, dependent on the relevant criteria, but for the Mid Ranger, the threat of No Contact brings a desperate plea to prevent it and in the event that fails, expect petulant insults, self-pity and withdrawal, with the attendant smearing and need to draw sympathy from others.

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12 thoughts on “How No Contact Feels – Part Two”

  1. Ha mine followed this script almost to a T when I decided not to reengage. Pity hoovers until I mis-stepped, and now we have come full circle with me wondering what I did wrong and getting angry (fuel) and him hiding. But he has something of mine and I want it back because as long as he has it, I still feel connected to him and I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I also worry that he will smear me.

    I am contemplating contacting him to get it back. I think it will be okay because he won’t know what it is until I tell him, and he is married so he cannot make too big of a stink or disappear. If I knew he wouldn’t use it, I wouldn’t bother, but I cannot be sure and I feel like it will always be hanging over my head. I think that this is a big part of what has kept me attached to him all these years.

    Am I putting myself in any kind of danger, HG?

    1. You are risking a surge of emotional thinking which MIGHT lead to further engagement with the narcissist and then through salami-slicing you are drawn back in. It depends on whether he will keep hoovering and how high your current resistance is. There is no need to risk this situation by engaging with him, get someone else to recover the property on your behalf.

      1. Thank you, HG. I know you are right about the risk but I have to see him because I have to watch him – it involves him deleting something online. I won’t be able to be sure he’s done it unless I see him do it.

        I’ve contacted him but he is away so I have to wait. I was very casual, brief and direct, did not ask him where he was and did not tell him what I wanted. Just that I needed to see him about something. He briefly tried to engage me but I found it easy enough to resist (though I still panic when I see a message from him), which means I am way stronger than I was.

        Of course I won’t know until I see him but I think my own narc traits have kicked in now and my thinking has been entirely logical. I have you to thank for making such a hugely important distinction to me – I can see now that my emotional thinking has clouded all of my interactions with him. I now believe I am a super empath with superhuman powers :-).

        I have already outed him, by the way. I’ve spent the past few months tracking his every move and reaction, and I laid it all out for him with dates included. I told him that in another life he could have been a serial killer. I thought he would go away after that but of course I just poured more fuel on.

        I didn’t know how to handle it all before I found your site just a few short weeks ago, but I had all the pieces and now I know to be completely unemotional. I think I could even sleep with him and not care. I might do that just for the hell of it! So here’s to hoping that my pride does not come before a fall!! Hahaha.

        As an aside, I think a lot of us (especially women because of the way we are socialized) do not want to acknowledge our own narcissistic traits and so we hesitate to be cold, selfish, controlling, etc thinking the other person won’t like us or we will lose them or a man will call us a bitch or whatever. A narcissist would do all of that, but of course you have explained brilliantly why this is so (no fuel). A normal person would not require one to be a narcissist for self-protection. A normal person would give and take. A normal person would be consistent. A normal person would check in that you were alright. A normal person would not pull disappearing acts in order to invade your mental space. It all makes perfect sense to me now.

        In any case, you have done a great service here. A few weeks on this site has helped me more than months of therapy ever did. I cannot thank you enough.

    1. It won’t be the same echo.

      1. There is, as the name suggests, only one primary source. This appliance is the provider of a major percentage of our fuel (and alongside this character traits and residual benefits and it is usually the case the primary source is the major provider of these also). If we lose the primary source it will clearly have a major impact on our world. Furthermore the fact that this person has the audacity to try to escape us (and with the Greater there is the fact it is bordering on negligence to lose the primary source) it must not be allowed to occur or if the escape commences and no contact is implemented, it must be smashed and our primary source ensnared once again. Thus our responses are the most focussed and intense for the primary source trying to escape/escaping.

      2. With the IPSS if there is only one and they are a Candidate IPSS it would be unusual for the individual to escape during seduction, but if they tried there would be effort applied to secure the seduction, however if they escape it is not an issue as substantial as the IPPS. If there are Shelf IPSSs alongside the Candidate, the narcissist may promote one of those to Candidate and therefore the early escape of the Candidate IPSS is even less of a problem.

      3. A Shelf IPSS. If they are on the shelf, the narcissist may not notice the escape and since occupied elsewhere may do nothing. When the narcissist seeks to bring the IPSS off the shelf and finds the hoover ineffective (or if they reach the victim and are rejected) there will be some effort applied to keep them, but if there are other Shelf IPSSs, the narcissist may try for a short while and then be malign towards the IPSS by way of punishment and then pursue alternative options. It depends on the school of narcissist and what else is occurring in the fuel matrix but generally the effort will not be as great as the primary source.

      4. Shelf DLS. Similar to 3.

  2. Does this still apply when you have been disengaged from? He didn’t seem to have any reaction at all when I told him I was going No Contact. If you’ve been disengaged from, won’t they just brush it off and seek fuel from our replacements?

    1. No, these articles do not apply to disengagement because then of course we have no interest in bringing you back in the immediate aftermath of disengagement. There may be a hoover to do so in the future, but that is a different matter. These articles apply to where you tip us off that you are wanting to escape or you have just escaped.

  3. Hi HG!

    As an IPSS or non-intimate primary source, would a lower mid-ranger or middle mid-ranger try to ruin my academic career/chance of completing my degree if I abandon him – after he says that he really needs my help with him finishing his degree? We met online during his break up with his ex and has depended on me when it comes to academic-related stuff. But I know that he is a narcissist now. So, would he do this to me if I went no contact and blocked him? I think it would certainly shock him.

  4. HG what about when the midranger is the one that disengaged from me? My ex texted me a month after he broke up with me and I didn’t text him back. Did he notice I didn’t respond? Does that hurt him?

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