The Fading Narcissist

YOUTUBE THE FADING NARCISSIST

Everybody who is part of our Fuel Matrix plays a part in maintaining our existence. Our construct, that which imprisons the creature and that which we want the world to see, must be maintained in order to preserve our existence. If not, we begin to fade away as the construct crumbles and collapses. The maintenance of this construct is entirely reliant on the provision of fuel and you play an integral part in that. How do the various types of appliance mesh together then in order to prevent us from fading away? 

I have explained how we draw fuel from primary, secondary and tertiary sources. These sources vary in potency and are affected of course by the method of delivery of the fuel. The primary source remains our most important source of fuel since it is this person, usually the intimate partner, who we are with more than anybody else but also who has the greatest emotional reaction to what we say and do. Therefore, this person provides us with the most fuel and of the most potent kind. They are also someone who satisfies the  The Prime Aims (which includes fuel) more than anyone else. The primary source is naturally the most important fuel provider which is why we seduce this person with such dedication, unleash such a terrible devaluation and keep on hoovering following escape or dis-engagement. We make such an investment in you as the primary source that we regard it as our right to keep drawing fuel from you, whether that is positive or negative, whether it is now, next week or in ten years’ time. You belong to us, in our minds.

The secondary sources are those which contribute good fuel and are invariably those who are part of our façade. Our lieutenants and the coterie are drawn from the secondary sources – friends, family and colleagues – who we interact with frequently but not to the same extent as we do with the primary source. Nor do the secondary sources give out the same heightened fuel as the primary source. The secondary sources serve an excellent function as part of the façade and the maintenance of this façade is important, therefore we prefer to keep the same people in at and keep adding to it. Secondary sources invariably enjoy lengthy golden periods with us. This is because our call on them is intermittent and therefore we are far less likely to regard their fuel as stale. Moreover, we can have many secondary sources but we only ever have one primary source. Thus if a certain secondary source is perhaps not admiring us as much (but they are not criticising us and are still providing some fuel) it does not merit a devaluation. They remain loyal, they remain part of the façade and we will just switch to another secondary source to increase the fuel. There is no need to devalue or ditch the initial secondary source. Thus you may see our kind have a friend who is “flavour of the month” because their fuel is better than other secondary sources and then the fuel dips in quality but it is not a concern as we can add another secondary source or switch to another who perhaps we have not seen for a couple of months. This is advantageous as it means our energy can be saved for devaluing the primary source whilst keeping a range of functioning secondary sources on hand and the façade intact.

The secondary sources very rarely stop providing fuel. They have no need to. A primary source may do so owing to the descent into ill health caused by the devaluation or learning how to tackle our kind as a response to the abuse. The secondary source, nearly always treated to an elongated  golden period, has no need to adopt a stance of not providing fuel.

A secondary source may however criticise us and if that is the case they may be subjected to devaluation but usually they are excluded from the coterie and replaced easily enough. They will be smeared and made to feel like an outsider, with the narcissist using the façade and other secondary sources to achieve this aim. We like to create our cliques and if anybody threatens our supremacy or delivers a criticism who is a secondary source they will be ejected from the group.

The occasion for devaluation of the secondary source is rare. It only happens in two instances. Firstly, the source has criticised the narcissist (this criticism might come through something said to the narcissist or something done, for example through exposing the narcissist’s behaviour to others)  and thus fury is ignited and the narcissist decides this person must be made an example of, before being discarded, in order to show the rest of the coterie who is in charge.

Secondly, in an even rarer instance it may happen when the narcissist has no primary source. If there is an absence of the primary source for a period of time, say a number of weeks, the narcissist’s fuel levels will have been tested. He will have sought to seduce and embed a new replacement primary source and most times the narcissist in such a situation is able to do so with success. However, let us assume this has not happened. The narcissist turns to his secondary and tertiary sources (more on tertiary in a moment) and relies more than usual on them to provide him with fuel during the absence of the primary source. At first there is no problem, the secondary sources provide positive fuel which is sustaining the narcissist, but if he has only a few secondary sources, then it will not be long before his fuel demands outstrip the positive fuel they can give. The lesser quality of their fuel (compared to the primary source) is being exposed by the absence of the primary source. It is also because greater demand is being placed on them.

Ultimately, the primary source will always go further for the narcissist than anybody else and they are also far more proximate. No matter how seductive. if the secondary source has to deal with his own family, his work and so on, he may not be available to provide fuel. If this keeps happening, combined with the increased demand and the lack of a primary source the strain on positive secondary sources will start to tell. This means the narcissist will either have to add new secondary sources and/or devalue the secondary sources to shift to negative fuel so he is sustained. This will work for a period of time with the confused inner circle friend who is a secondary source trying to work out why their supposed best friend is ignoring them and then trying to patch up the relationship. A secondary source however will not sustain devaluation as long as a primary source and may even infect other secondary sources by pointing out how they are being treated. The narcissist is already suffering reduced fuel levels and the supremacy of his façade is being challenged. This increases the demands on him.

The tertiary sources provide the least fuel and generally they are also treated to lengthy golden periods – for example the lady who works in the petrol station or the postman – since they are only extracted from on an intermittent basis. Tertiary sources can also be used straight away for negative fuel, for example, upbraiding a waiter or shouting down a shop assistant. We do not regard them as necessary to the maintenance of the façade, their negative fuel provides a useful boost and such high-handed behaviour may impress a primary (or secondary source) and draw positive fuel from them where appropriate.

If there is no primary source for a period of time, the reliance on tertiary sources increases. There will be increased activity to use technology to draw these people to the narcissist – such as on dating sites, chat rooms or through social media, but if the reliance is frequent and sustained the quality of the fuel will diminish quickly and those who have been attached to the narcissist in this way will be discarded and replaced with new remote tertiary sources promptly. There will be a high turnover. At the same time, the narcissist is likely to lash out at physically proximate sources more and more as the fuel level dips. This happens for two reasons. Firstly, he needs the fuel more than ever from tertiary sources and negative fuel is better than positive. Secondly, he will be furious at being placed in this position (through having no primary source but he has not got one to lash out at) so tertiary sources bear the brunt of this rage.

A narcissist without a primary source will eventually alienate secondary sources and in certain environments – say a small town – will struggle to replace them as people become wise to what he is. He may lack the energy to keep up the turnover of remote tertiary sources and spends his time lashing out at those which are physically proximate. At this point the narcissist faces losing the façade (since so many people know about his behaviour) in order to keep drawing fuel. It is now that he has three choices: –

  1. Secure a new primary source immediately;
  2. Move his environment so he can seek out fresh secondary sources and tertiary sources and rebuild his façade; or
  3. Sink into depression and inactivity as his fuel levels plummet.

The narcissist becomes a fading star. Once brilliant, magnificent and illuminating, his loss of the primary source and inability to find another means that the alluring shine is fading as a black hole awaits. He begins to fade as he enters a fuel crisis. Thus you can see just how paramount the primary source is to the existence of our kind and why we make such an effort to secure them, replace them and hoover them back again.

Listen to ‘The Fading Narcissist’

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “The Fading Narcissist”

  1. “…. A primary source may do so owing to the descent into ill health caused by the devaluation or learning how to tackle our kind as a response to the abuse…”

    Didn’t realize that I was falling into a sort of “sunken place” at the time. Can look back at that now, smh, and keep moving forward.

    “…A narcissist without a primary source will eventually alienate secondary sources and in certain environments – say a small town – will struggle to replace them as people become wise to what he is. He may lack the energy to keep up the turnover of remote tertiary sources and spends his time lashing out at those which are physically proximate. At this point the narcissist faces losing the façade (since so many people know about his behaviour) in order to keep drawing fuel. It is now that he has three choices: –

    1. Secure a new primary source immediately;
    2. Move his environment so he can seek out fresh secondary sources and tertiary sources and rebuild his façade; or…”

    My MRN did just both 1 and 2 – and hasn’t returned to the small town to live, but I hear he comes through to visit like a thief in the night and returns back to the city where there are plenty of sources for fuel to meet his primary aims. So glad that his hoover didn’t work, I’m educated via H.G. about his behaviors and methods, and that my no contact is in place.

    It’s always great to re-read these posts at different stages of your healing process. Wow.

  2. Do you see our backgrounds, history of emotions and insecurities in someone you dont know well, as a psychopath does? I’m unsure of the capabilities of the greater, particularly greater sociopath.
    If I’m to use my mother as an example (and I’m still not entirely sure of her psychological makeup) she could read every single thought I had, say aloud the future psychological damage I would have, recount my previous day’s thoughts and announce the ongoing development of my personality.
    This was profoundly intrusive and terrifying for me as I didn’t have the vocabulary to know how dangerous she was.
    From your writings it all fits, but her knowledge makes me inclined to think she’s a psychopath and my wishful thinking led me to denial.
    The only doubt in my mind is my psychopathic father never spoke about being a child and had no attachment to it. My mother spoke of it constantly – her childhood, family, selfish needs and abuse tactics all constituted her points of reference for functioning.

  3. Sadly, this is how every single narcissist will end. Leaving as your kind does requires more energy than any human being can bear, and sooner or later you will be too old, or too broke, or too well known to run and hide, and you will be exposed. I’ve seen my stepfather fall into depression after I grey rocked him, and consequently my mother did, too. He lives off dating apps and lashing out at whoever he can or trying to draw simpathy out of strangers by telling them how unfairly he has been trated by my mother, sometimes getting from me or from her the occasional brief fight or brief annoyance every two or three months. I go back to my studying, my friends, to books, to music, to loving my pets, to the nurturing silence in my soul, while he’s lost in this never ending search for fuel like a thirsty man in the desert. He has gotten skinny and has this crazy expression. If I didn’t know how dangerous and evil he is I would try to help him, and I truly ache for him.
    I hope the path of healing you have taken will help you to have a different future, HG Tudor.

    1. I saw this happen to my narcissist mother, Rory. She was so beautiful and charming when she was young. In her later years, dementia made it increasingly difficult for her to charm and control people. She spent most of her time feeling angry and depressed, convinced that people were trying to kill her. Her once-gorgeous face became ugly. Even when she was young and in control, I don’t think she ever experienced joy. I’m not sure about this, though. Pure joy, as I know it, transcends the self. Does someone far out on the narcissism spectrum have a stable self behind all the masks? To transcend the self, does one need a stable self? My brother also has some of the traits. He has a wife who stays on the shelf most of the time while he has affairs with women all over the world. I’ve known a couple of them. They cried a lot, and would ask me how they could change him. My opinion was they should just accept him for what he is, enjoy him while he is there, then let him go and be grateful for what they had. I’ve never seen my brother go out of his way to hurt anyone unless they try to hurt him first. True, he does engage in deceit and gas lighting; but long as you’re not trying to do business with him or raise a family with him or do anything else with him that requires him to be reliable, it can be entertaining. From reading this website and HG’s books, I have the impression HG believes narcissists have to hurt people to be happy themselves. I don’t think this is true of all narcissists. Maybe I’m wrong about that, however. Maybe the “official” definition of a narcissist includes the trait of being sadistic, in which case my brother is not a narcissist. I’m not a psychologist, merely an observer of human behavior.

  4. For the record, my experience as a NISS (close friend and collaborator) of my narcissist during our 4 year association is that I had several reinstated golden periods and several increasingly brutal devaluation periods, until the latter resulted in a “final discard”.
    Several of his coterie have remained friendly with me and have been kind to me after I left the “inner circle” but I of course nonetheless feel like an outsider – – that’s because I am an outsider now, particularly after having realized who the narcissist is. I do not speak badly or at all about the narcissist with them, though.

    That said, this blog post explains why other NISSs in my narcissist’s fuel matrix have remained as loyal supporters.

    HG,

    Based on this blog post, do you think a NISS is less likely to be hoovered after a “final discard” than a primary source because of the NISS’s position in the fuel matrix? In fact, it’s probably the norm then that a “final discard” for a NISS is in fact final?

    1. “I do not speak badly or at all about the narcissist with them, though.”

      With the exception of one person in that circle, who also experienced a very hurtful devaluation and discard years ago but she returned to his spheres of influence and the narcissist invited her back into the inner circle. She understands my view and agrees with me that he is a narcissist. However, she decided to remain in his circle because she says she is getting something out of the involvement. I have decided to distance myself from her as well and we no longer discuss this matter.

    2. There is no such thing as a final discard. There is always a risk of a hoover. All else being equal, a NISS is at a lower risk of being hoovered compared to a IPPS owing to their differing potencies of fuel.

  5. HG. I have a question. From all I read and from your books all this fuel you need is to keep the monster at bay because the Narc will disintegrate or fall apart if the monster services. But I never heard of any stories of someone who did fall apart. What does that look like? Do you know of anyone who’s lost it like that?

Leave a Reply