Why Is The Narcissist Always On My Mind?


“He is always in my mind.”

“Try as I might I just cannot get him out of my head.”

“I can’t stop thinking about him.”

I am sure such comments or similar have been made by you at some point about the narcissist in your life. We have this formidable capability to get into your head and remain there for a long time which evokes bittersweet reactions from you at best and utter miserable frustration at worst. I have written about ever presence previously, namely that ability we have to ensure that you keep thinking about us, even when you have been pushed to one side or if you have sought to go no contact. This insidious form of manipulation is pervasive and very difficult to deal with, but how is it so effective?

Like much of our effectiveness it actually comes down to you. As an empathic individual you are much more susceptible to our method of remaining in your mind which is achieved by encoding. Since you care about others and take an interest in the thoughts, actions and well-being of other people, you have been wired to take on board stimuli from other people in a far more effective manner than others. Take my kind for example. We are so focussed on ourselves and what we need that we are not wired to be especially encoded by what others do. Our minds are nearly impervious to the actions of others. It is as if they are so full of what we do and what we want that there is no room for anything or anyone else. You on the other hand are like a sponge and you soak up the words and actions of others. Combine your susceptibility with our determined application of suggestion through what we say to you and what we do for you then the outcome is a devastating form of encoding which creates powerful and near indelible memories in your mind.

Through our visual encoding of your mind, you create a vivid mental picture and this will be recalled in pin-sharp crikey vision time after time. Every detail of a particular scene will be recalled by you and it is ingrained in your mind deeply through this encoding. The more you recall it, the more it becomes ingrained as if you are wearing a groove in a piece of wood. We make particular use of music (think how often your narcissist used certain tunes to woo you and/or create  special moment) to achieve acoustic encoding. Our voice is used in this way as well by the careful selection of key phrases which will resonate with you. You always remember the things that we say because we have encoded them into your mind. Similar encoding occurs in respect of taste and scents as well as tactile encoding. Accordingly this quintet of senses is assailed by all the things that we say and do in order to achieve this encoding. We create powerful memories so that you have no option other than to recall them and with that comes the emotional attachment. You will remember so much of what you have done with us compared to say what you have done with family, friends and colleagues. You will recall more memories, in greater detail and more often when they involved us because of this deliberate encoding.

You might think this was enough in terms of the efficacy of this method of affecting you, but it does not end there. Most narcissists are male and thus it follows that the majority of victims are female. In general terms, women remember events better than men (men have better spatial memories) and therefore you are genetically pre-disposed to remember all those occasions and dates you spent with us in such detail. Females remember pleasant memories in better detail than men, thus this is a further reinforcement of why you can summon up such powerful memories of the golden period and why it hurts you so much. Conversely, in general terms, men remember unpleasant events better than women who tend to recall them in a ‘blurred’ manner. This is why despite the abuse you have suffered the golden period memories tend to triumph. It is not the case with everyone, admittedly, but generally this holds good. Add to this the fact that women’s memories retain more of their potency through the advancement of age than men and you will see why your memories of us are so difficult to shake. Not only do we specifically encode your minds, which are primed to accept this more than other people, your gender also makes you more susceptible to retaining these detailed and vivid memories of the when everything felt wonderful.

These memories are deeply ingrained and very hard to dismiss and remove, even with professional help. Combine this efficacy with the fact we leave you exhausted and broken, it is little wonder you cannot shift us from your minds. Everyone knows how difficult it is to think straight when you are tired. Little wonder then that we always loom large in your mind when you have been exhausted and shattered by our behaviour.

These memories of the golden period are massively powerful and all of the above means that for someone like you, you will often think of them and suffer the emotion that is linked to them .It is a devastating weapon in our armour. Pretty memorable eh?

39 thoughts on “Why Is The Narcissist Always On My Mind?

  1. mollyb5 says:

    I wonder why the narc doesn’t worry about his supply peeing in his food or things like that …LOL . Empaths can learn new skills their minds aren’t weak. They can also learn defensive measures such as having a secret group of support that the narc never knows about cause he is too concerned with his fuel. HG is helping empaths to feel justified in learning new defensive skills. Empaths can learn to be fake , sweet , and sly and not be so controlled by their needs to be a so called “good “person. It hurts for empaths to go against their true nature , but I think of it as skills I have had to learn to raise my children in this world.

  2. The.Thrill.Is.Gone. says:

    And one more thing I would never give that mother ffffferrrr the satisfaction of me committing suicide! Never! And I never wanted to commit suicide. No man on earth is worth that! And I am sorry to hear about the women you said did commit suicide over that MF! They are just not worth it!

    1. The.Thrill.Is.Gone. says:

      And let me say this Concerning suicide, people really should be careful who they drive crazy. Because that shit can backfire sometimes and some people won’t be suicidal…..they might go the other way. Opposite of suicide! So I think they would be wise to be careful what woman they drive crazy, cause they might end up with a full blown psycho on THEIR hands and not a suicidal one either! And all the mind games in the world won’t help them at that point! So yeah they must be careful who they drive crazy, cause they might not like the outcome. I mean they are always gambling with that possibility. What if she goes totally PSYCHO? Is that what you really want? Cause there’s always that one person you shouldnt mess with and you never know which one it is. I know the same goes with dating Narcs or psychopaths…..they can be dangerous as well. But never underestimate a woman scorned! She may surprise you. And never under estimate an “empathic individual”….they do have their breaking points. And they can go psycho. However my philosophy is live and let live. And I am not vengeful. But I have also not been driven totally out of my mind either. Not sure what that would look like! But I don’t want to find out. And suicide is not an option! Am doing I do remember once the ex said to me….” I know what I’ll do…..I’ll tie you up and shove a red ball in your mouth”….yeah he said this right out of the blue and I said….in my mind….” if you do that against my will….you better kill me!” Of course when I questioned him about this off the wall from outer space comment….he was of course kidding! Yeah right! I would go ffffing bat shit crazy! Adrienaline is also a wonderously powerful thing….also norm to her underestimated. I could go on and on but I won’t lol….I’m stopping as I have already gone to far…..which is also something he use to tell me all of the time. But he’s one to talk about going to far now isn’t he?!

      1. The.Thrill.Is.Gone. says:

        I’m having a Vanilla Sky flash back at this point! Perfect movie to use as an example of messing with the wrong woman! Ha hahahahahaha! Ok I’m done.

      2. Blank says:

        T.t.i.g., hi, sorry, I only read all your messages now.
        I guess you were angry writing these :).
        I remember at one point last year, while in therapy, it seemed like all the anger I never expressed over the years, came out at once. I locked myself in my room for a week, because I could have killed just anybody. If I had had a gun, I would have shot someone. Never in my life I could have expected to get that angry. So, yes, I can relate to what you say, but these days I’m all calm and I hope to never feel that anger again. I hope you are calm and relaxed too. Take care xx

  3. The.Thrill.Is.Gone. says:

    Yes! I can totally relate to the feeling like your gonna lose your mind. I too felt as if I was losing mine for sure. The man about drove me crazy! And of course he told me that some of my messages to him post break up were unstable! Lol unstable? Look who the hell was talking. That man was so crazy himself and to hear him say that my behavior in response to his insanity was unstable about floored me! I hate that I let him get the best of me in the end. I feel to a large degree he really did win. And it only lasted 6 months but the damage he did echoed through me for the following 2 years! How he turned the tables and made me look like such a desperate fool. And believe me I was to a degree. What with trying to figure his crazy arse out! But it is what it is. Isn’t it! Yeah nobody had ever quite got the best of me like he did. And sometimes I wonder if any of us on this website ever shared the same Narc ex! Wouldn’t that be something else! Often times I wished so bad I could have spoken to any of his ex’s and found out what they went through. Especially his ex wife of 8 years! How she stayed with him 8 years is beyond me and they had a child together. A boy that is with him half the time and with her half the time. And he would comment to me about how he had upset her often or got under her skin with his stunts even while I was seeing him. He seemed to love to rub her the wrong way even after the divorce!

  4. Priya says:

    Hei HG
    Nice article as usual.
    What is a difference between female narc and male narc? Why is that female narcs are able to keep their husbands for a very long time? This applies where they are financial and sosially dependent on their husbands. These husbands remain quite or find a way to survive.
    These female narcs make their secondary sources to do all chores for them. Or i am wrong, these females are normal ones with narc traits?

    Are your parents still live together?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Priya. There are some differences – one of the main one is that many female narcissists are Mid Range in nature.
      No my parents are not still together, my father is dead.

      1. Jasmine says:

        I’ve run into SO MANY male narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths. It’s beginning to feel like there aren’t any “normal” men.
        What percentage of the male population is in the cluster-b category?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It appears this way because

          1. You attract our kind, thus it follows you will have numerous entanglements and indeed the number of narcissists you have been involved with may well outnumber the non-narcissists, thus creating an impression that there are a huge amount of our; and
          2. You become more adept at spotting us using my information.

          There are 7 billion people on the planet. Many narcissists, true, but more normal people and more empathic people.

          1. Jasmine says:

            Thank you. Hopefully I will be able to spot them sooner in the future!

  5. CK says:

    My narc has actually said, “I love being inside you, mentally, physically and emotionally.”
    And he is. Every thought I have is of him.
    I keep thinking that I can ween myself off him but, I am so addicted to him. The only way I think I will get away from him is by moving out of state.im just not strong enough while we work together.

    1. Pbw says:

      CK I know what you mean … I work with him and it’s horrible … and I agree on the moving

  6. Gabbanzobean says:

    “You on the other hand are like a sponge and you soak up the words and actions of others.”

    Kind of ironic how my narc used to refer to me as a sponge in this manner that you describe. He sure knows how to pick them doesn’t he?

    Once again, HG, this is another article that is so eerily accurate and on point in every way.

    He haunts my dreams every night. Ever-presence is such a bitch and really hard to get rid of. 😕

  7. Blank says:

    You talk about this golden period a lot. I never had a golden period with any narc, they never had any money, they never did incredible sex, they never even said they loved me. The golden period was there, but it was only happening in my mind. I, very narcishly, thought I had found a soulmate, we seemed so right together, so alike. I was so deeply in love with them, that therefore they wanted to be with me. That’s all. And then came the deception, that they were not in the relationship with me at all. They did not know how to love, they were in this only for selfish reasons.

    So I think it is not so much the golden period the narcs give (maybe female gold diggers are impressed with that) but more the golden period that happens in the empaths mind. And then there are the mind-games, that keep your mind going around and around, for ever.

    1. Jasmine says:

      Hi blank
      My golden period had nothing to do with gold (he was broke, I didn’t care) but rather a glittering golden period of love and attention.. and boy oh boy did he put me atop that pedestal. He showered me with thousands of messages and 24hr phone calls, endless Facebook posts of admiration, admissions of love, hundreds of dedicated songs, memes, poetry, handmade cards filled with hearts, and on and on and on
      I was love bombed

      1. Blank says:

        Wow Jasmine, can you give me his name and address? 😉
        That sounds good, but I guess it didn’t end very well. My husband did not do much, besides spending time with me and talk. I think my low self-esteem made me feel thrilled that such a ‘man of the world’ kind of guy would date me (the ‘nobody’). He was kind and gentle and I thought everything he told me made sense (about religion, politics, science, history, etc.). I was in denial with the ‘red flags’ and we married far to soon. My other narc would ‘love’ me through songs and video’s, but also use these to hurt me.
        I am happy for all the women that at least got a golden period, although perhaps I shouldn’t be saying that.

        1. Jasmine says:

          Blank, you are correct.. it ended terribly. Looking back, I can see now that the golden period prevented me from seeing any red flags. I forgave him time and again, always believing, always hoping
          And therein lies my problem ~

          PS. You are welcome to him!
          😂 “Bring out yer dead!” ::clang clang::

      2. Blank says:

        I am sorry Jasmine, but I guess we learned and will see the red flags in the future. Good luck to you! x

        PS: and thanks, but no thanks 😉 I’ll try to make my own golden period now 🙂

    2. The.Thrill.Is.Gone. says:

      Au Contraire….Blank

      First of all most gold digger women are without conscience and empath. They are mostly cons themselves and most likely narcissists themselves. And all golden period is about his love bombing and how he draws you in to create an emotional bond to you. This does not have to be related to money in any way. A poor narc can do the same thing to a person, so money is not needed. What they can do in the golden period is find out your dreams and offer them to you. They give great amounts of attention and love bomb you. That is the golden period. As far as you saying they have to be gold diggers to be drawn in with the man being wealthy or well to do, not so. Please tell me what woman does not admire a man who is doing well for himself financially? What woman does not want a man who offers her security. Not all women are gold diggers because they aren’t involved with poor men! Being poor is not a virtue. And just because the Narcs you were with didn’t have money doesn’t make your better in any way. The Golden period is in my opinion the signature of the Narcissist and psychopath. Maybe the ones you dated were lessers and didn’t have the desire to wooo you in, they just took you for granted right off the top, or they were that fucked up abusive bad boys….overtly.

      1. The.Thrill.Is.Gone. says:

        And believe me. The golden period is not only in the empaths mind!

      2. Blank says:

        T.T.I.G. I know not all women are golddiggers. I am kind of referring to the people I see on Instagram and websites, the women that date narcs, who are so obviously narcs, but the women don’t care, they just want to be with a rich guy or a guy with power.
        I think narcs will know what they have to do to make a woman get attached and stay with them. In my case they didn’t have to go out of their way, because I was all into them anyway. My ex-husband is a greater, he sure knows what he is. He is very good at gaslighting and manipulation. His former girlfriend committed suicide and I sure as hell know why. He is not physically violent, he is a smug face only, who thinks nobody can meet his levels of intelligence. He is so happy with himself. He has a good job, travelled a lot, but all the money is spend on cigarettes, booze and drugs. That’s all he cares about (and of course the fuel he gets from people admiring his wisdom).
        The other narc also admitted he was a narc. Very very good in gaslighting and manipulation as well. But we only had a 3 yr online thing going, which made me almost lose my mind because of the mind-games. I was madly in love with him, but I am No Contact with him now.

      3. Blank says:

        “And believe me. The golden period is not only in the empaths mind!”

        I believe you. I was actually talking for myself.

  8. The.Thrill.Is.Gone. says:

    So the BB king song wasn’t the song that nauseated me that I associated with him. That was a different song. The BB song the thrill is gone is my new song! And its allllll mine! lol

  9. So when I hear his voice in my head, I change it to his spluttering rage, or the sotto voce threat, if I hear his laugh, I change it to his laughing at my pain or humiliation.
    I try to exchange the memories, before I banish them.

    I still haven’t decided if it helps think of him less, but it does not leave any longing in me.

  10. Deepsigh says:

    In fact just the other day I heard a song that we shared together and both liked and that I associated with our connection. And I felt a wave of nausea hit me and I couldn’t keep the song in my head as it was making me feel so sick. Unlike in the past when I would hear or think of that song it gave me pain. I believe…”thrill is gone’….thrill is gone awayyyyy!!! By B.B. King….now that is a great song! One I would like to keep in my head!

  11. Deepsigh says:

    The memories are still there but luckily there is no longer any pain associated with them. There is actually not really any kind of emotion associated with them any longer.

  12. Chingona says:

    A vaguely “Zen” way to cope: accept the thoughts without judgement. Notice them, but don’t judge yourself, or the thought. Let them come and go. It takes practice, but struggle is unnecessary. We’ve been trained to need and desire, to plead, to beat ourselves up. Refusal is simple. I refuse to do/be what anyone tells me I should, and the ex-narcs are no different. Pain is a choice. Happiness is a choice. You get to choose your way. Having said that, don’t forget HG’s lessons, so you don’t repeat the mistake… again.

    1. Pbw says:

      Chingona… the plead … I’ve been wondering why I do so well but when I see him I plead… never looked at as trained to but that makes sense … don’t know how you refuse tho.. you must have to be a lot stronger

  13. narc affair says:

    Im curious for those that have gone no contact what are some of your ways you dealt with getting your narc out of your mind? Ive not gone no contact but when ive been devalued or shelved i have relied on…
    U tube vids
    This blog
    My narc abuse groups
    Helping others
    Keeping busy
    Being mindful of when the narcs actions enter my mind and remembering why he does them and its not me personally its his issues.
    Doing something that makes me feel good about me like working out or buying something or pampering myself.
    Reading self help books and HGs books.

    There are so many ways to push the narc out of your mind. At first its temporary but the more you do it it becomes easier. Its a skill that needs exercising regularly. Eventually that encoding is replaced by new healthy coding.
    No contact reinforces that time you need to not be influenced or interrupted by the narcs further tactics and brainwashing.

    1. narc affair says:

      Forgot to mention i find keeping a schedule thru the day helpful so your day is filled up. The weak moments are when you get bored or are sitting around thinking. Write a daily schedule down so you have no time to lull over the good ol days.

    2. Catherine says:

      Hi narc affair, those strategies sound really good. It’s about keeping busy and trying not to think too much. Remembering who you are and doing the things you love. For me though I felt it to be necessary to grieve thoroughly this time; otherwise I tend to put away all sorrows to the back of my mind and that’s not helpful in the long run. So I’ve been thinking about him and about what went wrong. Trying to figure it all out. In my case I’ve also traveled a lot this autumn and winter, not to escape myself but to do something I truly love. It came to a point though when I visited friends in Greece in October and I realised that I needed to stay home and face the pain instead. I read a lot, stay here on the blog, write, exercise and therapy is helpful as well. I try to see friends, go for long walks and just get on with my life. Pamper myself; living day by day somehow. It’s difficult, but it works I believe.

      Are you ok? Has something happened between you and your narc since you ask? Lots of hugs!

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi catherine…happy new year! Youre right grieving is very important but for me if i go no contact my first few months id have to focus on one goal only and thatd be staying focused on no contact. Whe k grieve i fall into a depression and thats when i break no contact. Id have to really limit the time i spend thinking about him and staying on a rigid schedule to keep me kn the right path bc as soon as id sway thats when the what ifs and doubts enter.
        Nothing different has happened with my narc but i keep all i learn in the back of my head bc ill need to be armed when the day comes that things do change.
        Travelling to greece sounds like an amazing time!! Its sad that your narcs memory followed you there but they do live in our minds. Hope 2018 is an incredible year for you! (((Hugs)))

    3. The.Thrill.Is.Gone. says:

      Hey narc affair
      All of those things you are doing are great! Keep doing them. The more your self esteem improves, the more you will progress away from him. Also I myself believe the biggest thing that has helped get him out of my mind is no contact. You gain yourself identity back and power when you go no contact. It is okay if you fail a few attempts at no contact. The big key is too keep trying. If you fail, get back up and do it again. Eventually you will see how empowering it will be. I failed many times, but I have finally succeeded. I still have to stay on top of it though. I know it sounds cliche….but it gets easier eventually! Hang in there. 🙂

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi thrills…i totally agree no contact is the only way to fully purge a narc out of your life. Ty for your encouragment it helps 💓

    4. K says:

      narc affair
      Reading this blog was the only thing that helped me. The more I read, the better I felt.

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi k….i agree im glued to this blog its my anchor!

  14. Catherine says:

    This is a truly great and perceptive article HG! You’re right. You’re describing me there and my sense of vivid memory. I’m experimenting with writing a book about my experiences with the narcissist trying to work through everything that happened step by step to be able to let go. I might even change it into something more fictional later on, but for now it’s therapy first and foremost.

    So far I’ve written 237 pages and that’s just about our first year together! That’s stark raving mad! (Is that even an expression? It sounds like something I’ve read in Wodehouses tales of Lord Emsworth; I completely adore Emsworth!!) I have almost two years left to write about! Who writes 237 pages about a year with an ex? Who writes about an ex in the first place? Well, the girl who fell in love with a narcissist obviously.

    And my memory works exactly the way you describe. I do still have lots of old text messages and photos to help, but I don’t need them. I just write about an occasion and I’m there; in it, I feel the scents, I hear his voice, I see the the way his coat flaps in the wind. I’ve never remembered so much about anyone in my whole life before; he’s certainly ingrained in me. And it’s healing to be there in that hurtful place and bring the now later gained knowledge into it. That’s my way of letting go even if it sounds rather obsessed.. ha ha.

  15. Pbw says:

    Memorable and eerily true

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