Dealing With The Evidence


Proof. The empathic individual has certain traits which mean gathering proof and exhibiting that proof to the narcissist and other parties is highly important. An empathic person is honest, decent, believes in the truth and has to have the truth known. This is not done from any sense of gloating or about showing how clever and virtuous the empathic person is. The empath operates this way because: –

  1. They want the truth to be known by third parties;
  2. They want to demonstrate that they are correct;
  3. They want to preserve their self-worth by showing the truth of the situation;
  4. They want to show other people that the narcissist is in the wrong;
  5. They want to demonstrate to the narcissist that what the narcissist has done or said is wrong. This is often done to try to help the narcissist, to heal and to fix, rather than engage in point scoring;
  6. It is done to preserve their sanity in the face of the false reality and all its manipulations which are deployed by our kind.

It often takes an empathic person a considerable amount of time to realise that merely explaining what has happened to our kind gets them absolutely nowhere. You may know precisely what has happened but if your recollection of events, no matter how accurate, does not accord with what we require, challenges us, stops us achieving our aims or worst of all constitutes a criticism, we will do anything and everything we can to distort your truth.

I use the phrase ‘your truth’ because it is always important to keep in mind that with each and every situation there is the Empathic Perspective and there is the Narcissistic Perspective. For example, you serve food for everybody and you start with the person nearest to you and this results in our kind being served last. From the Empathic Perspective, you regard this action as the most practical and the politest. From the Narcissistic Perspective, we view this as a criticism; we should have been served first. This criticism results in us being wounded, this causes the ignition of our fury and we may storm out of the dining room through our cold fury or we may fling the plate at the wall as a manifestation of heated fury, either actions occurring in order to draw fuel to heal the wound that has been created by your criticism of us.

Thus, you have the same event but two different perspectives. If you tried to explain to us that you had served people ahead of us because of practicality all you would be doing is repeating the criticism to us and igniting the fury once again. We will only have regard to our perspective and in the ensuing conversation we would engage in deflection, projection, blame-shifting, word salad and other manipulations to reject what you are asserting. From your perspective it appears innocuous, an over-reaction on our part, but from our perspective our response is completely justified.

What of a situation whereby you suspect we have been cheating with somebody else? Let us assume you have followed us and saw us pick up another woman who we embrace in our car and then head off to some secluded spot, a hotel or another location for the purposes of the tryst. You do not confront us but observe and then wait for our return that evening. You decide to remain calm and when we walk in through the door you state,

“You are cheating on me with a blonde-haired woman. I saw you pick her up this afternoon, kiss her and then I followed you to The Happy Ending Motel and saw you go in a room together.”

If you said this angrily, we would draw fuel from your reaction. We would recognize that this is an opportunity to gain more fuel from you and therefore we would look for ways to provoke you further. You are also challenging us. Whilst it does not manifest as a criticism, we still do not appreciate you trying to challenge our superiority and our entitlement to do as we please.

If you made this comment in a calm and neutral manner, you do not provide us with any fuel. You are also criticising us.

You have seen what has happened. It is not hearsay but you have witnessed our behaviour and you have told us so, providing sufficient detail to confirm its legitimacy. What might you hear in response? There are many different replies.

Denial “No I haven’t. I have been at work all afternoon.” Yes, we will be this brazen. Lies come easily to us.

Deflection. “Yes I was dropping a colleague off. She is staying there for a few days and we needed to talk about a project. You know the new plans for the development in the Old Quarter, well we are involved in that now and we need to put a proposal together in a very short time.” On we go talking about something else.

Projection. “I wasn’t doing anything wrong, not like you and that fellow, what is he called, Mike, I saw you getting close to him last week when you went for coffee.” This may or may not be true, it does not matter. It serves to draw a reaction from you and allows us to move the conversation away from what we have done.

Blame-Shift. “Who do you think you are following me? Who gives you the right to do that? There is something wrong with you. I am sick of you trying to control me.”

Blame-Shift. “So what if I am seeing somebody else, if you put out more than once in a blue moon, I wouldn’t have to go elsewhere would I? I am sick of working hard and coming in to this kind of crap.”

Disappearance – we just turn around and walk back out and disappear to some bolt hole for a few days.

Denial and Projection “I think you are mistaken, are you imagining things again? You keep doing this.”

Deflection and Gas Lighting “Oh that, nothing to worry about there, she is new to the company and I was showing her to where she is staying until her new apartment is ready. I know her from the Southern Office, so I greeted her with a kiss, that was all. Anyway, I told you I was doing this last week, don’t you remember? Yes, I told you all about it over dinner, you must have forgotten again. You seem to be doing that a lot recently.”

Verbal assault “Who do you fucking think you are? You are a miserable old cow. Creeping around watching what I am doing. Jesus, you are so fucking sad, I am sick of you. Look at the state of you.” Cue a tirade of insults which may escalate into breaking things and even attacking you.

No matter how you try to point out to us that you have seen us, you know what you saw, you know what the other woman looks like we will not hear what you are saying.

If you keep going and do so in an emotional manner, all we focus on is the fuel that we are giving you and continuing to provoke you to get more fuel.

If you do it without providing fuel, all we hear is the criticism. This wounds us and forces us to seek fuel from you (or if you continue not to provide it we will be forced to withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere).

We will not accept what you are saying, no matter how convincing you are and no matter how much detail you provide. You will be accused of making it up, reading something into nothing, taking it the wrong way, being confused, being mistaken along with all and more of the other manipulations mentioned above.

What about providing some independent evidence to us? What if you have evidence from our phone, in a document, an e-mail, a sound recording or a video? You decide to show us a video of what we did that afternoon in the hope and expectation that we must surely accept what we have done. It is there, recorded and on the screen. How will we respond?

Once again, depending on the way you have conveyed this to us, you will have either provided fuel (telling us there is more) and you have challenged us or you have criticised us. Our perspective means we need fuel, we want fuel, we need to assert our superiority, we need to maintain control, we need to keep you submissive and manipulated. Astonishing as it may seem, you can expect reactions akin to those above and these as well: –

  1. We will tell you the footage has been edited to make us look bad;
  2. We will say that the footage does not show the whole picture and is taken out of context;
  3. We will say it is somebody who looks like us but isn’t us;
  4. We will try to delete the footage;
  5. We will damage the device on which the footage is held;
  6. We will produce some different evidence which points to some imagined transgression on your part and focus on that instead;

If you have independent evidence of any kind, its production engenders the same response as detailed above because we look at it from an entirely different perspective. You can expect the independent evidence to be attacked, tampered with or destroyed along with the plethora of manipulations that have been described above.

You may think that showing our kind definitive proof of our wrongdoing would cause us to hold our hands up and admit we have been caught. It does not work with our kind in that way. We have been designed to see things in a different way so that we will respond to protect ourselves from your criticism (or to draw more fuel and head off your challenge) and that is what we see and hear – criticism and/or fuel. These devices and manipulations occur because: –

  1. We are never at fault;
  2. We are superior to you;
  3. We must be in control;
  4. We are omnipotent;
  5. You are inferior;
  6. We are entitled to do what we want;
  7. We need fuel; and
  8. We hate criticism.

Save your independent evidence for the third parties. Save your breath and your sanity.

The only thing you will ever prove is how predictable, as narcissists, we are, when are confronted with proof.

18 thoughts on “Dealing With The Evidence

  1. Reba says:

    But narcs must be aware that even though they think they’ve done nothing wrong, (they needed to do those things and were entitled to do them), that others, those precious secondary and tertiary sources may not buy their bs explanations and do the narcs fear exposure/loss of fuel if lies, cheating etc are exposed? Perhaps not the greater elites who believe in their own omnipotence but surely the others who do not have that narcissistic pillar?

  2. Blank says:

    “But how do you prove something you haven’t done?”

    You don’t Catherine. If your partner doesn’t trust you, that should be the end of a relationship. And knowing now he is a narc, you know he was projecting. There will never be closure, you’ll never find justice.
    Let go of the bastard, he doesn’t deserve one more minute of your thoughts. Focus on a new happy life for yourself. That is what I am going to do also. Starting right now. Take care XX

    1. Catherine says:

      Yes, Blank, me too. I’m letting go now. It feels great to find some inner peace finally after those tumultuous years. I’m never going to be in a relationship where I’m questioned and have to prove myself again and again. That’s a certain deal breaker. Here’s to a happy new life Blank XX

  3. Catherine says:

    That was my relationship in a nutshell. I was the one that was constantly accused (of infidelity, of being dramatic, of displaying unwanted behaviour) and I started to see it as the meaning of my life to gather evidence to prove him wrong. It even got to the point where my vision was so clouded to how he treated me, and to what was really going on beneath, that I couldn’t stop needing my justice desperately and to be proved innocent even when it should’ve been obvious to me that his agenda was different than mine. I could go to any lengths to attain justice even when I finally in the end realised that it was to no avail; that he didn’t care for justice; that he didn’t want to have a good look at himself. I became obsessed with it. But how do you prove something you haven’t done? That used to occupy my mind day in and day out.

    When I did gather evidence he didn’t even hear me out; he just ignored me; he refused to talk to the friend he thought I had an affair with and instead he blame shifted, called me dramatic and went on one of his passive aggressive trips that I feared more than anything. But how do you prove that you haven’t had an affair with the stranger on the street that you happened to pass by? How do you find him and prove my narcissist wrong? I feel crazy just writing about this; but it was my life for a long time. No wonder I’m stressed out!

    1. Carol M says:

      Just remember you escaped and focus on the healing.

      1. Catherine says:

        I do Carol M. Thank you! xx

  4. Nuit Étoilée says:

    My goodness, HG!

    And this applies to you???

    Hmmm… incredibly thought-provoking as always 😊
    I know.. you don’t like the yellow blobs, but I have very expressive facial expressions & text misses these…

    I thought a Greater might appreciate his handiwork being recognised & appreciated for its subtlety…

    ..but then.. if it were truly subtle.. would it have avoided detection? ..ahhhggg the circular thinking does my head in!

    Right.. off to follow your advice and just get on w life then.


  5. angela says:

    N said ” i must have a twin somewhere”
    and i belived it..😂 in that time i belived everthing 😂😂

  6. Patricia J says:

    What fuel are you going to get waking up duct taped to the Living room table alone? Can you obtain fuel from your own astonisment?

  7. PureSoul says:

    I perceive that you do not approve of my comments.

    what can i do ? cry?


    Because i know all the narcissistics games of you and your kind quite well now.

    Very well , let us play .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Incorrect. I have a backlog arising from my time away. You merely need to exhibit some patience.

      1. Kimi says:

        HG, you’re very consistent about posting your articles when you’re traveling. I am very grateful for that! I do miss your witty and telling comments, as well as the comments of my fellow Empaths during those times. You’ve created quite a tight knit Empath community! A place of respite for me. Thank you!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome. I will be commenting further and answering questions in a couple of days, I have other matters to address in the meanwhile.

      2. PureSoul says:

        Me impatient?

        No HG

        i am the embodiment of patience !

        But, thank you.


  8. PureSoul says:

    That is truth .

    Thank you HG

  9. Mb says:

    THANK YOU HG!!!!! I did endure that for so many years. Impossible to explain, THANK YOU! 💖

  10. Jasmine says:

    And make copies! Store them in various places, including with a few trusted sources. 💯

  11. Jennifer says:

    My minute by minute, hourly, daily grinding experience that I painstakingly tried to address through healthy caring conversation that was always silenced, halted ( threaten for trying to talk when I could’ve been yelling screaming withholding, swearing retaliating name calling like him…but the worst thing I could to was speak because he didn’t want to hear me only self richeously pity himself as hard done because I didn’t listen obey all including silence when commanded). Always tried to set a loving example. Loved this catering to his ever needy demands, never showed anger, or treated…always trying to reach him…exhausted, shamed and put down because after he said he wanted to beat me down, I could not function with all the erosion of my strength and spirit, and my focus needing to be on jumping his hoops, listening to him not me, and dancing around his moods, meeting his schedules, needs….and never showing the feeling damage impact of his behavior toward and treatment of me……all my life energy going into trying to dodge the crazy making, games, lies, smears, threats, and hide the emormous grieving under my pleasant Vanir…the well spring of tears erupting within. Sorry I couldn’t manage all my affairs, make my house orderly ( while his floor rotted out from under his) when I was so terrified and spending my time apart in a state of shock just trying to rest and regain energy stores and store my equilibrium……my all went to trying to set a healthy example and love you through your prickly convoluted barnacle disposition that did not BELEIVE in equality or women having rights ( told me I should’ve been born in Middle East). Gave all to revolve around and try to please you. Never appreciated, always smeared and shamed, always wrong and not good enough, always rejected abandoned discarded, always the problem, blamed, and a burden, unloved
    My existence for a near decade.

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