The Narcissist and Gifts

THE NARCISSISTAND GIFTSImage result for picture of a rubbish gift

 

What do narcissists think about giving? Well, the starting point is that we are a gift to the world and really, should there be any need for us to give anything more? Of course there is; the giving of gifts provides us with yet another opportunity to manipulate people, exert control and ultimately draw fuel. Some people think that narcissists may not want to give gifts because we hate to do things for other people. The latter part of that point is correct, but the simple fact as ever is that the end justifies the means then we will do that and if that means parting with some of our money to purchase a gift and spending some time selecting it, then so be it. You probably will understand however that when it comes to the giving of gifts, it is nothing at all to do with you. As usual, it is all about us.

  1. Gifts of Seduction. During the seduction of a victim, some of our kind revel in the grand gestures of expensive and wonderful gifts. There may be repeated gifts every few days or some large grandiose gift. Occasionally, we may give careful consideration to what will impress you most but it is always linked into how it will benefit us. The purpose of such gifts is to cause you to admire us, thank us and draw closer to us as a consequence of our generosity and our thoughtfulness. Don’t think that we have been that considerate. You will probably receive a similar gift to the last primary source. If worked last time, so we will do it again. Thus the Somatic Narcissist who selects victims who are into material items may well always purchase some Louboutin shoes for each victim. The Cerebral Narcissist will provide a weighty tome for you to read. Not only is this exclusive hardback expensive but he can tell you all about how much he knows about the subject later. We also rely on the fact that even if the gift is not precisely what you wanted, most people are delighted to receive gifts and during the wonderful, elating and mesmerising seduction, the whole of the effects of our seduction make the receipt of the gift all the more gratifying. It gains kudos from being given against a backdrop of compliments, love, amazing sex, days and nights out and so forth. By appearing thoughtful and generous we draw you closer to us.
  2. Creation of debt. We only give you a gift in order to get something we want and the provision of a gift automatically creates a debt in our mind. It might be that we will control you through this gift, it might be that we use it to gain fuel or to mollify you if we think you are on the brink of leaving us and denying us our fuel. No matter how lavish or expensive the gift, there will be a price to pay for it, either now or later.
  3. Creating the favourite. We often use gifts to create a favourite and generate division. For instance, if we have three nephews, who are still young children, we may give one a larger and more expensive gift to one and smaller and less expensive gifts to the other two and it is obvious. Children will react to this with jealousy, petulance and upset which will generate fuel. It does not stop there. The parents of the nephews may well react to this unequal treatment so there is more fuel forthcoming. If we are challenged as to why we have done this you can expect to be told,

“It is my money and I decide how I spend it.”

We are entitled to do as we want and when it comes to giving gifts there is no exception.

This favouritism will continue all the way through so that a golden child will always fare better at Christmas and birthdays than his or her siblings with the attendant problems that arise. We will even do this when we have gone with an unequal division of assets. The Thought Fuel that arises as we sign the will knowing of the in-fighting that will come about in due course is satisfying indeed.

  1. The Rubbish Gift. This is done by design and often unintentionally. Since we lack empathy, we see no need to consider what somebody else what might really want for their birthday. Thus, we provide them with a hideous jumper that is too big or a garish ornament. The look of dejection and disappointment on that person’s face when they receive a book about butterflies produces a good dose of fuel for us. Of course if they do not seem appropriately happy, this allows us to roll out comments such as: –

“But I thought you loved butterflies.”

“I looked everywhere for that gift.”

“You should be grateful you got anything at all.”

We know you don’t like butterflies. We found the gift in the bargain bin at the supermarket and we know you won’t be grateful, we don’t want you to be, so we can provoke you for some more fuel.

  1. The Residual Fuel. Flowing from the rubbish gift is the expectation that when we next call around the hideous statue of what is meant to be two dolphins in the foam but looks more like a frothing Quasimodo, should be pride of place on your mantelpiece. Alternatively, you should be wearing that migraine inducing jumper. If you are not, you can expect us to play the victim and make you feel guilty for not showcasing our generous gift.
  2. The Wrong Gift. The cousin of the rubbish gift. This gift may be a good gift but it is the wrong one. You may already have one of these items already and a second is of no use. It might be that you asked for a handbag in black and we have bought you one in brown, even though it is the same make. The shoe size might be two sizes out either way, the ring too small, the lingerie too small. We do this because you see the wrapped item and recognise it to be the item you have asked for and your excitement mounts, only then to be dashed by this narrow miss. Yes, you may be able to exchange it, but we will have lost the receipt and such like and we will still make a song and dance if you point out that it is the wrong gift or if you fail to look suitably happy. You can expect comments such as: –

“You have one already. Well, a spare shoe horn is always handy.”

“It is too tight? Not my fault you have put weight on is it?”

“You told me size 7, yes you did. Stop trying to blame me for your mistake.”

“So what if it I a different colour, you should appreciate I bought you something.”

  1. Forgetting a gift. It always provides us with fuel when you expect a gift and none is forthcoming. We derive amusement from seeing you waiting all day, expecting a delivery to the door, or hunting around the house thinking that we have hidden your gift. When evening comes and no gift has been forthcoming your annoyance, upset or dismay provides us with further fuel. We will of course apply selective amnesia or deflection to the situation.

“I thought the anniversary was next week?”

“It’s only Valentine’s day, you shouldn’t expect a gift.”

“You are too old to receive birthday presents now.”

“Is it your birthday? I thought it was on the 21st?”

  1. My gift. You are expecting a gift and there is something expensive sat on the dining table. It is not given to you but sits there all day until you eventually ask if it is for you only to be told it is not and it is for me. Cue crestfallen look and more fuel.
  2. The Respite and Hoover Gift. Part of the seduction family. If we want to bring you back into the Formal Relationship following discard or escape, or if we want to reinstate the golden period, we will supply you with gifts again and endeavour to make them thoughtful so that you provide us with positive fuel and we draw you back to us.
  3. Future Faking. Gifts are not immune from us always promising to buy you something amazing for that forthcoming birthday. This keeps you bound to us, you keep giving us positive fuel from your enthusiastic responses to our promises, but we fail to deliver. We draw fuel and then promise to get it for you for Christmas instead. You know what is going to happen don’t you?
  4. Charity Gifts. If we make some donation to charity whether it cash or equipment, or even items we no longer need for them to sell at a charity store, you can be sure we will let as many people know as possible of our generosity. This gains fuel and maintains our façade.
  5. Outdoing Others. If there is a christening, a baby shower or a wedding we will often go big with our gift giving. If you have a wedding list, we will go off list in order to be different even though that crystal orange juice squeezer is not exactly needed. This form of gift giving is nothing to do with you. The gifts are likely to be lavish and expensive but it is all about showing off and gaining fuel and admiration as opposed to buying someone what they actually want. Of course, any complaint or lack of appreciation will be met with us playing the victim.
  6. Recycling. You end up being given a gift which clearly was a gift to us which we did not want. In some examples we may have even left the gift tag on showing that it was for added reaction. We considered those lavender bath bombs we received to be a total insult so next door can now have them as a house warming gift. Even beyond this, we may even give you as a gift something you gave to us. Not only does this show us to cheapskates it also shows we do not think much of your gift. Fuel abounds.
  7. Proximate Fuel. We gain proximate fuel from witnessing the reaction of our victims to our manipulative gift giving. As you know, we like to cause a scene and what better way that doing so in person, at a party or an event.
  8. Thought Fuel. Gift giving allows a double whammy. We have the chance to gain proximate fuel when we hand the gift over and you unwrap it and we also contemplate your reaction when we are not there. Either siblings fighting over the gift, people expressing their hurt at a tasteless gift, a rubbish one or the wrong one, so we even gain fuel after the event.
  9. The Early Declaration. If we are being grandiose in our gift-giving you can expect to know about your gift on Facebook or similar platforms when we post pictures of it and tell the world what we have got you for your birthday. No surprises for you, but plenty of admiring fuel for us.
  10. What the Last One Got. We buy you a gift and we can see you are not happy with it, underwhelmed or even upset. Of course there will be no sympathy or consideration shown by us. All we will do is remark about what we have got you is bigger, better and more expensive than what the last primary source got and you ought to be grateful. This also works in reverse when we let slip that we did not get you something as good as what the last primary source received because you didn’t get a good birthday present for us (even though you will have done – the reality is no bar to our manipulations).
  11. The Last One Didn’t Appreciate My Gifts. If we sense that you are unhappy with our gift, we gain fuel, but we will also emotionally blackmail you into being please with it by telling you how mean the previous primary source was in that no matter what we bought him he never appreciated the gifts. Suddenly, you are gushing over the tickets to a local amateur dramatic performance of Macbeth, even though you hate plays.
  12. But Look What I Gave You! This is done for future manipulation. If you fail to do something in the future, fail to submit and do what we want, we will hark back (and do so repeatedly) to that marvellous, rare and expensive gift we once got you. As I mentioned above, you always end up paying for the gift in some way.
  13. The Target. The gift we have given you and one which you like and cherish is used in the future as a device to manipulate you and draw fuel form you. We threaten to break the gift or we do break it. We hide it or take it from you. After all, what is ours remains ours and what is yours is still ours anyway since we are entitled and do not recognize boundaries.

Gifts and the act of giving provide us with so many opportunities to draw fuel both positive and negative from people, bind people to us, control them and manipulate them.

What is your experience of the narcissist and gifts?

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73 thoughts on “The Narcissist and Gifts”

  1. Ha ha ha ha ha. Nailed it HG. So true! And so glad I no longer have to deal with manipulation wrapped up as a ‘present’! Awesome description.

  2. Clarity! This is how they were treated growing up with Narcissistic PARENTS! One parent a Raging Abusive Alcoholic & numb to what was happening &/or began to take on narc traits. The other parent the narcissist with multiple controlling narcissist relatives, A WHOLE NEST OF THEM! Thank you for clarity!

  3. Survivor,
    I dunno about that. I wished for a friend like NarcAngel, with a big brass pair that I didn’t have at the time. I’d probably not gotten pregnant in the first place, cause I’d been outta there.
    Any friend at that time would have been helpful. I was already being isolated, gas lighted, mentally and emotionally abused. Thin slice by thin slice. Little things too petty to complain about, until it avalanches and buries you, and you have no idea which way is up.

    And now all these crap memories call for a gin & tonic, a spliff, and a comedy movie.

    1. I agree, Perse, we all need a friend like Narc Angel in our lives, who is willing to gives us the reality-dope-slap that we so desperately need(ed).

      Excellent statement Narc Angel: That is the height of selfishness and what I refer to as: premeditated child abuse.

      1. NarcAngel – My Mother was a Narcissist. I was the scapegoat. No, I do not wish to speak to you further on this. You have nothing of value to add. I have support already. Those like myself who come from a place of Kindness and Compassion. Those who would never call another survivor selfish for doing something which you and others disapprove of. I am an advocate for narcissistic abuse. For men, women and children. I have a website resource library and work closely with other survivors, including blog radio on Mental Health. I have been asked if I would share my stories of abuse by a leading figure on Narcissistic abuse. So please – STOP! Unless you have spoken at length with someone still living with abuse and fully understand their actions or inactions, you are part of the problem not the solution. As for those who applaud you and wish they had someone like you in their life, that’s fine. I don’t. I don’t agree with you and I will not be drawn into any drama. If you don’t like what I’m saying, fine. If you don’t like me, that’s fine too. I’m not here to be liked.

      2. Survivor

        Spoken at length with? I LIVED it, so cant grasp why if you did also that you are that complacent (for fear of appearing less compassionate) with those contemplating adding casualties by having children while ensnared. Who says handing out Teddy Bears is more effective than ice water in some cases? It seems a bit narcissistic that you think only your methods are effective. You are here on this blog where the messages are sometimes painfully blunt but clearly effective.

        Perhaps you are indeed an “advocate FOR narcissistic abuse” .You should read the article Support System Fraud. Lots of them have resources and libraries also, but of course they dont realize theyre narcissists.

        I am content to be shattered that you do not approve of me but you should not paint everyone with the same stick only because they are reasonable enough to agree there are other opinions and methods besides yours. Thats not very kind or compassionate.

        You invited drama by feeling entitled enough to tell people what they are and are not entitled to say, think, and feel (and indeed asked them to reflect and reconsider their comment based on your feeling). I obliged you with a response, albeit one you didnt like. Youre welcome.

      3. People underestimate me. I do not always use a hammer to get the message across. In real life I may ask you politely to consider how you think your child will be affected by the chaos of your relationship, because adding children to an already unstable situation has never benefited anyone and makes it harder to leave. Remind you that even if they do not abuse the child that their witnessing your abuse at his/her hand, voice, silence, etc will affect how your child will see you and their future relationships, both intimate and otherwise. How your parenting will be negatively affected by having to repeatedly cater to the needs of a grown man/woman over your child and tell you that no amount of hoping will prevent it. I might ask if you are honest with yourself, if you are having a child to experience the love you are missing but so desperately seeking from your narc and perhaps others (family members). I would ask you what you are actually offering the CHILD in this arrangement. If you fail to consider these things then I have no time for cooing and reasoning-a hammer is required. Being beaten enough to lose a child and still not getting it warrants a hammer. Its perpetuating abuse and lives are at stake. If you are entitled to make that judgement on another persons life for your own selfish reasons then I am entitled to make you accountable for it. Thats how I see it.

        Also, I am referring to one who is aware. They do not need to know they are dealing with a narcissist (as that is a common response). If there is abuse or instability period then the only logical conclusion is that the victim is bringing a child into it to selfishly fulfill their own unmet emotional needs and to bind the abuser to them wether they can admit that to themselves or not. THAT is straight out of the Narc Playbook and not the unselfish act of love it is portrayed to be. If you do not love or value yourself enough to leave abuse, what entitles you to add other victims?

      4. @Survivor–If the credentials you list are true, I am troubled by your underestimation of the seriousness of the type of abuse you claim to be both advocate for and an expert on. Particularly in the company of VICTIMS you claim to have such compassion for. NarcAngel is stressing the seriousness of the OPs situation and saving her compassion for the truly powerless victim in it (the child). Who will stand up for the next generation of ACONs? If not their mother, somebody should. (I wonder if these feuds fuel our All-seeing HG? 🙂 )

      5. No feud here. Differing viewpoints aired and over. Thank you for your patience and allowing them HG.

      6. Kindness and compassion are very important, but the exigency in certain situations calls for the brutal truth. IRL I am brutally honest with my two empaths and I expect them to return the favor.

  4. Survivor

    What part of: if she accepts abuse for herself that is her business but she does not have the right to choose it for a child (hostage) were you not clear on?

    She knows what she is dealing with and still contemplates bearing his child or children while she pines about the symbolism of teddy bears. That is the height of selfishness and what I refer to as: premeditated child abuse.

    If you suffered a childhood mentally and physically at the hands of a narcissistic parental figure we can talk to determine why you feel that legacy should be upheld for others. If you have not-dont you dare to tell me that I am not entitled to advocate for children who will suffer but have no choice in their fate. Someone must speak up for them and my guess is it wont be you.

  5. Sorry, my comment was for NarcAngel not for K although I would like for K to reflect on her reply to NarcAngel. I realise we are all entitled to our opinions but we are not entitled to judge another person’s reason for staying in an abusive / unhealthy relationship. Support and gentle advice and guidance, yes.

  6. He once gave me a Christmas present which when opened was a Go Pro Camera. As I was exclaiming over the expensive gift, he then told me it was his camera, but my gift was that I could use it. I almost threw it at his head.

  7. Our 1st Christmas together I got 3 knock off perfumes in the bag they were purchased in. Not even wrapped. My birthday he gave me a gift for my cell phone in a gift bag, but proceeded to pick such a huge fight with me previous to giving it to me that I threw it back in his face! He apologized once and brought me an orchid plant to try to get me to “see” how “sincere” his apology was! Then as the plant died (as did our marriage) kept telling me how I wasn’t caring for it the right way. (As if ANYTHING could grow in that negative environment) I would give him personal gifts all the time and he was usually very unimpressed.

  8. My experience is that it was something expensive that I never even wanted. Also my ex narc made me believe that he was going to give me an engagement ring for Christmas by using various mind game tactics. He would tell me it was jewelry in a small box that would mean a lot to me and something I always wanted. Christmas came and it was a silver charm with our daughter’s name engraved on it. Yes a nice gift but he led me to believe it would be something else.

  9. NoName – what a sad story. I feel for the woman and hope she and other women find a way out of the porn industry. It’s a kind of sex trafficking and highly abusive.

    1. Yeah, the story of that particular girl has a happy end. I helped her to a such degree, so she dropped her previous life style and porn career completely.

      It wasn’t easy to do it, because she was very popular among the porn lovers and her movies were a stable money making machine. We hid her from her movie-director and various porn movie “sponsors” (read criminals). We changed her appearance constantly and transferred her from one location to another.

      Her “bosses” tryed to find her “footprints” among her friends, colleagues, prostitutes, drug addicts and no one could ever imagine, that the very closed and very respectful scientific world gave her a shelter and a protection! Lol.

      Finally, she ended up her healing journey in Germany. She is married to a very good russian man (scientist lol), has 2 daughters and leads the normal and healthy life. We all did an excellent job. Lol.

      Unfortunately, many other girls and men don’t have that happy end. They end up being a heavy drug addicts with a serious health problems. Alas.

  10. It’s always the Target Gift with him. He has consistently bought bears for me and without a doubt, always uses them against me because he knows I have an emotional bond with them. Just yesterday, he destroyed the bear he purchased for me after I had a miscarriage due to him beating me up. It makes me sick and I wish I would just get rid of all the bears.

    1. Angela – you’ve recently suffered a miscarriage due to him beating you up. You speak of him in the present tense. You’re still with him? I’m not judging you, I know how very difficult it is to leave. I am so, so sorry this is all happening to you!

      1. Survivor
        I am also not judging you. But throwing away the teddy bears will not stop him from abusing you. He will always find an excuse. Teddy bears or no teddy bears. He’s a sick man and you are in danger as long as you are in his reach. He has already gone to far by beating you and making you have a miscarriage. So that already makes him a murderer doesnt it? He doesn’t have control over himself. And he could seriously hurt you or worse. I hope you have some where to go and family that can help you. I’m guessing that the fact that you are still with him means that you are possibly under battered women’s syndrome. Again not judging you but from what I understand the women going through this have a hard time leaving their abuser. And if and when you do leave him, you should have a plan. Plan all of it ahead of time and when and if you do get safely away. You must not have contact with him as this is the most dangerous time to be in his presence after leaving him. I’m not trying to scare you, but I am because this is a very dangerous situation for you and you need help! Many women have lost their lives by staying with the abuser and or when leaving him and revisisting him. I don’t recall if you have children with him other than the one he made you lose. But this will not get better. No matter what he says or what his true intentions are. It’s a point of no return now after what he has done. Now you should be focusing on your escape and safely. I believe telling him you are leaving is dangerous. If you leave it must be planned and he must not have access to you physically. You could read about battered women’s syndrome and also on Netflix there is a documentary about women who are going through what you are experiencing. Just if you do look all of this up be sure to erase your history and hide it all. He can’t find out. I hope none of this offends you. I know I don’t know you but I am seriously concerned for you. There are people out there who can help you. Please be careful! Don’t be his martyr! Don’t lose your life just to stay with him. Your life is very valuable and so are you. He is not worth it believe me. Please be safe! My best wishes to you! My heart goes out for you!

      2. Angela,
        Everything that the.thrill.is.gone said is right on the nose! I’ve been there. Twice. It’s NOT a good place. You need to get out. Please please be careful. Be safe. Be strong. 💞

    2. Dear Angela,
      “I had a miscarriage due to him beating me up” 😱
      Keep the bears and get rid of HIM!!!!

      (Saddened to hear that…are you ok?)
      💜

      1. Angela
        Sorry survivor that message was to Angela about the abusive partner …..

    3. Angela
      I am also not judging you. But throwing away the teddy bears will not stop him from abusing you. He will always find an excuse. Teddy bears or no teddy bears. He’s a sick man and you are in danger as long as you are in his reach. He has already gone to far by beating you and making you have a miscarriage. So that already makes him a murderer doesnt it? He doesn’t have control over himself. And he could seriously hurt you or worse. I hope you have some where to go and family that can help you. I’m guessing that the fact that you are still with him means that you are possibly under battered women’s syndrome. Again not judging you but from what I understand the women going through this have a hard time leaving their abuser. And if and when you do leave him, you should have a plan. Plan all of it ahead of time and when and if you do get safely away. You must not have contact with him as this is the most dangerous time to be in his presence after leaving him. I’m not trying to scare you, but I am because this is a very dangerous situation for you and you need help! Many women have lost their lives by staying with the abuser and or when leaving him and revisisting him. I don’t recall if you have children with him other than the one he made you lose. But this will not get better. No matter what he says or what his true intentions are. It’s a point of no return now after what he has done. Now you should be focusing on your escape and safely. I believe telling him you are leaving is dangerous. If you leave it must be planned and he must not have access to you physically. You could read about battered women’s syndrome and also on Netflix there is a documentary about women who are going through what you are experiencing. Just if you do look all of this up be sure to erase your history and hide it all. He can’t find out. I hope none of this offends you. I know I don’t know you but I am seriously concerned for you. There are people out there who can help you. Please be careful! Don’t be his martyr! Don’t lose your life just to stay with him. Your life is very valuable and so are you. He is not worth it believe me. Please be safe! My best wishes to you! My heart goes out for you!

    4. Angela M Gallitano
      I am sorry that you suffered a miscarriage. You may want to consider GOSO* and going N/C* if you can. He is most likely a lesser and he is very dangerous.

      *get out, stay out
      *no contact

    5. Angela

      Nevermind the fucking bears. Get rid of him before he detroys the next child you dont miscarry. If you choose to live in abuse thats your business but you have no right to choose a life of hell for a child. Wake up.

      1. K – sorry but I felt I needed to comment on your comment. None of us know why Angela stays. It is very rarely through choice. And rather than assume that Angela is choosing to stay, ask yourself or indeed Angela, what the perpetrator is saying and doing to stop her from going? Please – we must always be mindful not to judge or assume. We can only ever go by our own experiences.

      2. Thank you Survivor,
        No need to apologize. I am a big fat black pot and I live in a glass house so I try not to judge others. NarcAngel is trying to point out that it isn’t ok to stay in an abusive relationship if it involves a child and I agree with her. Also, the focus on the bears seems misplaced in light of the seriousness of losing an unborn baby after a violent assault. Sometimes, sharp words are needed to get people to open their eyes to the reality of their situation, which, in this case, is clearly dangerous.

      3. Yes, yes, yes, NA. I do not judge anyone who stays with their Narc at the expense of their own safety. In fact, I totally get it! BUT once they fail to protect their own children, sorry, Dude, you lose me.

    6. Angela,

      I’m sorry to hear that this has happened to anyone else.
      I’m heartbroken for you. I don’t know why I am amazed that anyone else’s Narc would do this, after all I’ve learned here.
      And I was beaten down enough, that even though I had moved out, just the fact that he could find my home, break in and remove all my belongings back to “his house” while I was at work, and threaten my new landlord, so that he simply wanted me out because of the trouble my husband gave him.
      I felt powerless, and accepted his reason that he thought I was pregnant from somebody else, even though he decided he wanted his “husbands privilege”; even though I told him it would cause pregnancy.
      I’m sure he wanted to show me he not only had total power over my life, but that he had more control of my own body than I did.
      Control and more control.
      I hope you are ready to leave, and that you get help and support to do so. I agree with the others that this is likely to be a dangerous time for you, but it would be very painful to think that you will also spend years of your life under your Narcissist’s cruel control and abuse.
      I also hope you can get out so that a narcissist will not be the father of your child.
      Or that you stay so long you will never have a chance at being a mother.

      Stay safe,
      Hugs,
      Perse

  11. He always gave the same gift for everyone – me, his mother, his granny –
    and that would be candles. As he liked them, he assumed everyone did the same. I remember on one occasion his mother told him she preferred the gifts I gave her rather than his own´s. He also gave me an engagement ring I specificly asked him not to (because it was too thick, it hurted my fingers).

    1. PS. If you absolutely *must* date a narc, stay away from Lessers, that’s all I have to say! Rubbish gifts, no sex, no energy for whatsoever and bad looks because he is to lazy to care for personal hygiene!

      1. There is no reason at all to date a narcissist once you recognise the person is a narcissist.

  12. It was very early on in the relationship and he said he had forgotten to bring a gift he had bought for me when he saw me and then he was too busy or something – I honestly can’t even remember – so he insisted on me going to his office to pick up the gift. I knew something felt wrong about it but I didn’t want to appear ungrateful. He was really good at doing that – making you go out of your way to do something for him when it was supposed to be about you. I wish I had understood then what felt so wrong about it. He could always get you into these damned if you do, damned if you don’t situations. I was able to figure out a birthday trick that same year – he said he’d call on my birthday but that he might have to call the next day if his work went long. I could immediately spot him creating an out – so he could always say “I told you I had to work” – I had seen him do that before so I just told him the next day would be better anyway and went out with my girlfriends and didn’t think about him at all. I wish I had figured it all out sooner.

    1. Thank you, V, for bringing to the fore those “damned if you do/don’t” situations. I’d love to hear how others deal with them in general. I always either try to find a totally unexpected third choice that the N couldn’t have seen coming and let’s me be the master of my own ship. However, if there is real harm being done by the N, I will engage in a little public exposure of N so that he learns like a little trained puppy that, at least when I’m around, he will not abuse my half-brother. (This is Dad. NC not possible.)

  13. Hahahha a box of chocolates with wheat in (bloody hard to even find nowadays!) when he knows I am coeliac.

  14. After knowing him only a month, I received a set of Medici Bags. Beautiful, expensive, Italian leather bags. Only I had just told him I was vegan, which he said he had considered prior to the purchase, but you know, that’s just silly, my being vegan.
    When asked why he bought me the bags, of course it was because I must come to visit; Half way across the globe, at my expense. At the first sign of trouble from me, they were demanded back. This was no problem, but then he didn’t want them back, then he did… On and on…

  15. FreeAt Last

    Was the large vibrator big enough to hurt him if say you tested it out on his head? A nice blow to the head would have been nice! Beaten with a large vibrator. Imagine that! okay ill stop sorry I am now being mean.

      1. HG, do you think it was still fuel if I would have told him, seemingly “interested” in the gift: “oh, at last, something big enough for me to really feel inside. Thank you for being so thoughtful!” ?
        Yes, I know I’ve got a sharp tongue!

        That’s the way I coped with my ex narc sending me porn movies, I teased him: “oh, they are right telling some men are very well dotted”. Everything he’d done without concern about my feelings I’ve turned against him. It wasn’t for fun, it was my way to make him understand he was insensitive. Right, like he cared…

      2. It depends how you said that – it would either be Challenge Fuel or it would wound.

      3. For the first part (vibrator), it was hypothetically speaking, so…I don’t know if it wounded.

        As for my reply to the porn movies, I wounded him because I received a short silent treatment. I still don’t know if he’s upper MR (he has self control and uses silence, no physical violence), he only lost control once, when he had no valid reply and I refused to accept his “words salad or projection” tactics. I politely (but repeatedly- like he was doing when wanting to intimidate me and get a forced response out of me) asked why he wanted me when any other woman was..as good as I was (for him). That was the only time he called me “stupid”. Instead of an emotional reaction, he received a rational: “one more reason for you to leave me alone!”.

    1. It is fuel, because I laughed at the thought of that happening. This might sound strange but I think my mother enjoyed getting beaten by my father. Violence is fuel. No wonder lessers love bar/pub brawls.

  16. I bought yet again Xmas to no thanks and no gift back. Infact he noticed whilst looking for food in the back of a kitchen cupboard there were a few bags of bath-salts he had 6 mths ago. In front of me bagged them up and told me that was my gift. I left them there thus gift not accepted. He asked me what perfume i liked and asked for a pic 2 wks prev, then said it wasnt expensive enough and had seen something better. Yeah right.
    More fool me. How calculating was he to gain gifts yr 2 running for him and his children.
    I then rec’d a call just before midnight NYE to dump me AGAIN, fear of feelings.
    Im trying to scrub ‘idiot’ off my forehead.

  17. This was one big way to manipulate. Every gift I was giving him where never good enough. He was making me feel everytime that I didn’t know him to give him such a gift, that his gifts where so much better. Once I gave him a computer. He screamed at me, then told me he was sorry, that he didn’t know how to react to such a great gift… I understand now that because narcissist gives to manipulate, he thinks I do the same, so his reactions are adjusted with what he knows. He always said he hated to receive gift, now I understand why.

    When he was giving me gift, I always had to be happy. Even when he gave me an extra large dress (I wear small), or an xxs coat, making me feel I was fat. I bough flowers to apologize. I was telling me how much he was so good at giving gifts, that he always know how to make people happy, so if I wasn’t please with the gift, I was the one to blame.

    Soooooo happy now it’s over. Except for my poor daugther and the fact that I’m stuck with him forever. Still paying for him, he hides his income…

  18. At the end of the formal IPPS relationship and beginning of the LONG friendship attempt, I received a gift on 2 birthdays. Both were meant to be used by me in bed (a blanket very similar to one I already had and a projector to watch movies in bed). It was as though he wanted to make sure that ANYTIME I was in bed, he was with me in some fashion.

  19. Dear Mr Tudor,

    The best and only gift a narc could ever give us … is their permanent “exist” from our lives!

    Excellent as always

  20. This was memorable. After a big build up and sincere professions of love he presented me with a ring box. I opened it and it was an engagement ring. But the box was worn and the ring was a size 10.5 at least (I wear a 5.5). I looked at it and thought. This was someone else’s ring. It was obviously another woman’s ring. So I told him it was nice but not my size and took off the ring I was wearing on my ring finger and asked if he could have it sized since it was so large I was afraid it would fall off. And he could use my ring to get the accurate size.
    These regifts continued throughout our relationship.
    I don’t think he bought anything for me that was mine. There were always regifts though……
    He didn’t give me that ring back or mine for months.
    Then yet again with a big build up and many professions of love. He presented me with another ring. A different ring in my size. But I had seen a photo of his last relationship and this was that ring. At least this one he had sized…lol
    Well, when I broke the engagement a few months before I left I took my ring back, the ring I gave him and left him his used ring. He’s getting a lot of miles off that one I must say.
    He was so tacky. Is there such thing as a tacky narcissist? You know a man who thinks he’s royalty but in reality is a a bum you could find on any barstool in any small town. That was him anyway…..
    Hope you all enjoyed my tail. I still chuckle about giving him the ring back the first time for sizing. He looked confused. lol
    I really enjoy the blog and the comments. Its nice to know that there are others out there who ended up on a roller coaster out of the blue. I hope you all find peace and happiness.

  21. I was all excited to receive a rather large parcel and excitedly waited till he came over so he could see me opening it.

    He placed himself on “his chair” and looked so pleased with himself, asking me to open it.

    He was sitting back waiting like someone who’d played a practical joke and was waiting for the prank to happen so he could release the contained laughter…..!

    The ‘gift” was a very large vibrator!
    I was shocked, disgusted and clearly disappointed.

    When he saw my reaction, he made out he was upset. He thought I’d be interested in spicing things up a bit (whereas I thought the physical side of our relationship was one of the things that was working well). He vowed never to buy me anything again, would never plan a surprise ever again, how ungrateful I was that he’d tried to be thoughtful etc.

    Every time we went awa for a weekend, he asked me to take it. It was never used though. I think he took pleasure in how nervous I was about it and how I tried to act like I wasn’t offended by it.

    I think partly he wanted to make sure I hadn’t thrown it away “wasting his money”.

    It stayed in its box then was binned post-relationship.

    1. Wow! What a giant dildo he was. Why Narc men think that giving us sex toys as a gift would turn us on, I’ll never know. It used to put me off, feeling like it had changed in an instant from intimacy to having sex for sex sake.

      1. You are absolutely right, Survivor!

        Our bodies are equipped enough to have a great sex.

        The sex toys are the “third parties”. They create an invisible barrier between partners and decrease the level of intimacy.

        Plus, the sex toys could serve like an element of triangulation (the dildo and the rubber doll are classic examples). But again, it invariably decreases the level intimacy.

        My first husband was extremely afraid of intimacy, so he even demanded from his mistresses to wear the leather gloves during sex (!) to prevent accidential direct touching. Plus, he had a zero level of the SKIN EROTISM (many Narcs have it, by the way, so it is a red flag).

      2. Yes, you’re right NoName. Both Narc men I became enmeshed with (Lesser and Greater) were porn addicts as well. I thought if I didn’t go along with their fetishes, I’d be failing them in some way. I also thought perhaps this is what love is and I’d been a prude before this. It never made me feel comfortable in role play or their need to watch a porno together as foreplay but I put down those uncomfortable feelings to me being a bit behind the door in relation to sex. Or at least sex as I was being shown it with the two Narcs. This is why boundaries are so very important. Giving up oneself to please another leads to a lack of self respect, self-care and self-love. If we don’t know how to love ourselves enough, our boundaries remain weak. I think most human beings love sex, but it should be fun and exciting, not degrading and uncomfortable.

      3. Skin eroticism? What is that? My narc loved to touch me. It was like a compulsion. He even did it while I slept. Is that what you mean?

      4. Survivor,

        I can understand the mechanism of a porn addiction and I don’t judge people who watch porn, but I, personally, have a negative attitude to a porn, because knowing the human anatomy, I know how non-physiological and painful the process they represent is (for female (and sometimes male participants).

        My Narc-cousin had a girlfriend, who was a porn actress (pretty famous, by the way). She had some problems and my cousin asked me to help to solve them.

        She was a really good girl with a kind soul. We ended up drinking together for whole night and talking about her life and her profession. She was absolutely open and told me about the process of porn-movie production and the porn-actors’ life in a small details. It was really awful story…

        On the next day, she sent me the “raw” porn-movie material (without soundtrack, “seductive voices”, etc.) to demonstrate the “reality” she worked with. It was awful to witness it also. The girls worked on opioid painkillers and screamed from pain constantly (their “seductive faces” are an expression of a pain actually).

        The film-director yelled “F*ck! I don’t see her p*ssy! Turn around! F*ck! You all are stupid idiots! Suck him harder! What??? His penis is solf??? F*ck! Why do I work with such impotent idiots! F*ck you all!”. Etc, etc, etc.

        Everything I see in a porn is a human pain and broken lives. Nothing positive. But, it is exactly what that attracts many Narcs to it.

        And yes, you are right, the boundaries have to be kept. Always.

        Jasmine,

        Skin erotism is YOUR own pleasure, when someone touches YOU. Many Narcs don’t like to be touched because of lack of skin erotism.

      5. Thank you Noname.
        That description is positively awful. I don’t think I’ll ever watch porn the same again. So degrading 🙁

    2. I was actually the one who bought him, and us, sex toys all the time, but it was part of a game we played. And it wasn’t then part of the powerplay in our relationship, or rather it was, but I liked that kind of powerplay we had in the bedroom, it was deemed acceptable to both of us; the problem was when it reached every part of our lives and he stripped me of all control. Then his sexual aggressiveness started to mean something entirely different and felt abusive.

  22. I meant that it is so incomprehensible that anyone could actually be unhappy at someones excited and anticipating their gift. And that in fact a person could be happy at another persons disappointment of a gift they gave them! WTH? That is so back ass words! and mean as hell!

  23. Man. That is so incomprehensible that anyone could actually be happy at someones excited and anticipatory state towards receiving a gift! WTH? That is beyond the shadow of a doubt a horribly CRUEL and EVIL thing. Geeze so sad. How can a human being be like that? I love when someone is excited and derive so much satisfaction from their happiness and satisfaction over the gift. In fact I think I am almost more excited then they are. This truly is something to behold.

  24. My gifts depended on the which type of Narcissist. Mother – nothing (two sisters everything). Intimate partner Narc – expensive gifts but always sexy knickers although he did buy me a great pair of Berghaus waterproof pants for hiking for my birthday (my birthday which he promptly told me to f*ck off – nice) and a lovely easter egg from Hotel Chocolat which stopped the year of my devaluation. Female Narc (financial abuse) were gifts to draw me in, followed by a bag of value food for a fiver (how very generous). Lesser Male Narc (another Intimate Partner abuse) – nothing at all year on year (but he did always remember to bring a huge bag of his dirty washing for me to clean). Current female Christian Narc – always a gift from a charity shop or something she was given and hates. Loves to tell me my gifts only cost 99p or less (I feel so respected). Those damn lavender bath bombs should be banned.

  25. A signed copy of his newest cd (I already paid to download and he knew it!) This post really made me laugh!!

    1. Mary, it’s laughable really isn’t it? It’s sneaky, underhanded and serves no purpose. But as HG points out, it’s all about the fuel. Positive or negative, it’s all fuel.

  26. My experience with gifts was a little different. Of course nothing on Christmas or my horrible birthday.. Instead, I received a few things throughout the year. Always thoughtful, something I needed, or wanted forEVER, and usually handmade, found, or crafted.
    Of course he love-love-loved to post it all over social media and brag to all and sundry. I suppose he fits in that category.. except he usually relied on me to do the posting after the fact.

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