Why Does The Narcissist Get Rid Of You?
The discard. Treated like refuse. Cast aside. Thrown away. Jettisoned. Abandoned.
As you know, the word Dis-Enagement is more accurate but for the sake of familiarity I will continue with the use of discard in this article, but do understand there is no finality associated with this act.
You may actually be told that the Formal Relationship is at an end.
More usually, you are left wondering if the end has come, a further parting coup de grace to add to the cocktail of bewilderment, anxiety, misery, pain and carnage that has been left behind by our kind.
I have explained what triggers the discard, a variety of different circumstances which give rise to you being dropped, but whilst you may understand how those circumstances cause you to be discarded, there remains certain nagging questions. Why go to such effort to only leave you in the dust? Why get rid of you if we need you for fuel? Why get rid of you if we are only going to come back and hoover you?
Once again these apparent contradictions only serve to prolong your confusion. Indeed, so much of our behaviour is inherently contradictory because in being so, this allows us to generate misunderstanding and misery on your part. That equates to fuel, that equates to stopping you moving forward and escaping us and it equates to creating something that we will come back to.
Why do we go to such effort to seduce you if all we are going to do is fling you to one side?
First of all, when we seduce you, we see the manifestation of our enduring hope that you are The One, that you possess the unlimited supply of fuel which will put an end to our seemingly never-ending quest for fuel. You will provide fuel which is potent, plentiful and permanent. This is what we want. The person that means never again shall we have to seek fuel from another source. No longer need we engage in so many manipulations to keep our lifeblood flowing. Everything that we have ever wanted and ever needed is finally within our grasp. Such a promise means that we must go to such lengths to seduce you. You are our Holy Grail, restitution will be poured on our lips from that chalice and in so doing, you will grant us freedom. Freedom from the hunting, the chasing, the harvesting and the extracting. Relief from this burden that we carry – some of us doing so far more effectively than others – each and every day. This prospect is why we must seduce you, bind us to us and keep you as ours. We do not set out to discard you. That is furthest from our minds when we look into your eyes. It makes perfect sense for us to give you everything that we know that you want if that means you will remain with us and give us our precious fuel. It is a transaction. We grant you the illusion of the perfect love and in return you are to provide us with our perfect fuel. It is the ultimate deal.
Why get rid of you if we need you for fuel?
When we dispose of you, it is precisely because of our need for fuel that you are discarded. You no longer provide us with the fuel that we desire. It does not matter if from your perspective you are just as loving as you are now as you were when we first met. It does not matter that you have crawled across broken glass to fulfill our needs. It becomes irrelevant how much you continue to adore us, worship us, beg us and strive each and every day to accord with what you think that we want. You are second-guessing us to the extent that you no longer even know who you are. Your thoughts become dominated as our thoughts – what will he say to this, how will he react to that, what is the best thing to do now, should I stay or go? You can give and give and give but when the discard comes, it just is no longer enough. From our perspective, you have failed us. We must place all of this blame on you, for we have to remain blameless. Most of our kind do not recognize any culpability because they have no insight, but there are those of us, the highers, the greaters, who know you have done all you can but it is not enough. Still we must blame you, because that is the way it has to be. We are to remain superior, you are to remain inferior, because if we allow that balance to shift, then we are no longer in control and if we lose control we lose ourselves.
Yes, the rampant paranoia will cause even those of us who are greaters to continue to blame you, you are but an agent of the vicious world, a manifestation that has been sent to topple us from our lofty perch. But we also know that we must continue to blame you, even when we recognise there is no blame or perhaps less blame, because we must at all times, in all circumstances exert control. We dare not countenance what would happen if it were any other way. To do so would be to entertain the unthinkable. Extinction.
Thus, your failure is both believed and manufactured and you must be discarded because we need the fresh, edifying and invigorating fuel from elsewhere. The shiny, new and exciting appliance that has been successfully embedded during your devaluation. If this has not happened, then it is in progress or quite possibly, although rarely, about to happen, if the discard has occurred as a consequence of an emergency measure.
Our need for this glorious and fresh fuel means you have to go. We do not care if this seems unfair from your perspective. This is what has to happen. We need fuel. You are no longer providing it as we require it. You are discarded. The positive fuel has lost its lustre, the negative fuel has dimmed and so because all is as the fuel orders it to be, we must attach to the new appliance and cast you to one side.
Why get rid of you if we are only coming to come back and hoover you?
This suggests that we may as well keep hold of you if we are only going to return to you at some later juncture. Why don’t we just maintain a grip on you and save ourselves the bother of hoovering – and you the pain of discard – and keep the Formal Relationship going?
There are four elements to this answer
- Punishment. You let us down and we must maintain the façade that you let us down – part of the maintenance of control which I describe above – and for that you should be punished. We should not be let down. We should be given what we want, after all we consider ourselves as so entitled, therefore in failing to give us what we want and need you are in the wrong and we know only too well that if you are wrong then punishment follows. That is the way that it always has been. By discarding you in such a harsh and callous manner, we are able to dole out a punishment to you and thus we feel in control once again. You took away our fuel, that means you exerted control over something that belonged to us. We do not like you to do that, in fact we hate it. Thus, the discard allows us to punish you for this heinous act and assert control once again.
- Shame. Whilst our kind would never admit it outside of this arena, shame follows us like some spectre through our lives. Shame drives many of our behaviours and it is sufficient to state no more about that in the context of shame’s role with your discard. We thought you were The One and we got it wrong. This makes us feel ashamed because this failure is a reminder of something we would much rather forget about, the weakness that threatens to escape and consume us. We are ashamed that we chose badly, we are ashamed that we have been fooled again by picking The False One. Of course it would never do to admit this to you or somebody else and thus you have to be discarded. Like some diseased limb which shames the rest of the body, you must be amputated, like some infected clothing you are torn away and thrown to one side, our revulsion at our own shame causing us to fling you away. Once you have been discarded, the shame abates and we can be what we want to be once again, grand, superior, omnipotent and brilliant.
- Contrast. If you have not had sex for some time, when you eventually do, is it not usually the case that the sensation is all the more heightened, the orgasm more intense and the experience all the more rewarding? If you abstain from your favourite chocolate, do not drink for a month, refrain from smoking, or attending your favourite restaurant, is it not the case that when you reinstate these things it is so much better? Indeed, it is and this is just as applicable to you. By discarding you we are also allowing us to experience fuel from elsewhere so that when we hoover you, your fuel becomes delicious and amazing once again. If we remained with you, drawing the fuel that has become stale, this would never happen. We need to discard you to prime the pump for the future need. At the time of the discard, we do not envisage returning to you, but invariably it must happen because of the rule of fuel.
- Potency. If we had not dis-engaged from you, we would not be given the opportunity to flex our hoover muscles and demonstrate our power by drawing fuel form you once again, with or without the restitution of the Formal Relationship. Hoover fuel is potent because of the contrast and the break from your fuel, but also because we are drawing it from someone who may well have resisted our overtures – or ought to have done so – and this provides us with a huge sense of omnipotence. Imagine, we treat someone disgracefully, fling them to one side and then with our powers of persuasion and seduction we bring them back to us, to do what we want again. That is power. If we had not discarded you, then this we could not do this.
These are the reasons we dis-engage from you.
As ever you are blameless, but we must make you to blame.
31 thoughts on “Why Does The Narcissist Get Rid Of You?”
I am set to prove that You can be healed and delivered and never return to the narc. It will hurt like hell, but noting is impossible with God!
Narcs don’t know it,but their just placing all their anger and punishment on us, from being beaien,molested,abandoned by parents as kids.
An you were never consoled so u walk around all innocent, but you will get what is coming to you. I promise you that. Hurting and abusing INNOcent PPL..
My ex was ignoring me few days in a row while on vacation I was just asking normal questions so I told him fine I won’t talk to you again when you feel like talking again either(no emotion) . So he told me to leave him alone that would be better all I do is nagg any way (end of relationship ) . So I started lauging and told him I don’t even care . So I kept telling about how useless the relationship was in a few text Messages not so much , disengangement followed 3 days after . Did I wound him ? Or was I just annoying to him ?
All of these feel true to me. It is number 4 I sensed and resist the most. I can’t allow it. It will never happen. I kept talking and pointing my finger and asking questions and letting him steal because I knew I would never allow some hoover victory and to my mind there was no way it wouldn’t come, I just knew it, so it would be the end once I stopped and I wanted to save it and I thought I could logic it from happening. I felt sooooo stubborn about it because I knew everything was just so wrong and I wanted to say how wrong it was and it would be inconceivable for me to be so shallow as to pretend. Too much had happened. I wanted to be in charge of it. I wanted to say,
How could you do that?
Of course I’ve seen narcissistic behavior before, so I felt it. I felt
1, 2, 3, 4
Fuck anybody who tries to make me their “shame”.
I have enough of my own bullshit to walk around with.
What a crock.
I tend to take devaluing phrases as something someone is saying to themselves but it somehow doesn’t remove my deep frustration, only adds to it because how can anyone deny something so obvious, so I reflected it something awful.
I’ve been learning from reading and managing my responses better. I can see when someone is saying a person is “the other” (even non-narcs) and I either back-peddle from it (especially when it is about someone else) or recently I let out a short stream of devaluing insults at someone doing it to me (a sexual interaction, of course, how could a man I connect with not do this) and maintaining distance.
My therapies I’m immersed in have been helpful (including here). Learning a lot in a few weeks time, but I hope I can shift some things from it.
Does Every New Supply that is a Girlfriend/Relationship status get Discarded?
Disengaged from, not discarded. Not necessarily no.
14 days of nc after final discard.Didnt know much until read alot of material about narcissism then I knew what mess I been in for 5 years.Thank God my heart is pulling along well.miss my boys not seen them since Christmas which I forced myself to see them after being denied access and a letter from child support services over payments that I been making without fail.God will make himself known again!
Sometimes when I read these I wonder if they are they were the narcissist or myself for not seeing the signs?
I think i was getting The Discard
But i was naughty and took control away from him by ending it
You should see the nasty texts ive had which i have completely ignored 😃
*I Am Back*!
Yes, I saw disengagement coming – when someone suddenly changed his behavior without being my fault (and yes, I’m self conscious enough not to blame the other for my problems), I upgraded my “heart” guard and relied more on logic, so I managed to get “the upper hand” most of the times, disengaging first and for good, after 2-3 months at most. When not 100% sure what I was dealing with (probably a Greater, very good at simulating goodness and I was often tempted by their intelligence) I “bitten” it (disengagement) for one time, but the second time I gave up on the narc before getting disengaged (I’ve seen the pattern and I was not willing to “subscribe” to that, I’m not the jealous type of woman, I’m more like: if he doesn’t want me, I wish him happiness and I deserve it too).
As I’ve already said: life’s too short to lose it on arguments going…nowhere!
So on point 4, if I left, instead of being discarded, and he hoovered me back, was that even more potent fuel?
Or did the wounding from my leaving require the successful hoover to heal it?
If you were hoovered immediately after escape, the fuel provided would address the wound. If the hoovering occurred some time after your escape it would be potent fuel in itself and not used to heal the wound (this will have been addressed by fuel from elsewhere).
Sometimes I worry about re-traumatizing myself by seeking explanations.
Instead I feel relief when I get answers.
Thank you, HG
Thank you HG !!! … very well described! …. best wishes to you this 2018, and deeply grateful of you and the time you dedicate in this blog!
Thank you Medusa.
Thank you. It helps very much. I have a question: what do you experience when your past supply says no to your hoover? For example. My colleague, who has dnp, has tried to hoover me back 3 times in 9 months. I’ve always said no. The last time he reacted with rage. My question is: how long does the rage last? Does it stop after lashing out or does it lead to maligng obsession which need a vengeance to be fixed?
It depends how it is said. If said with emotion it is Challenge Fuel, if not it wounds. It also depends how that is conveyed – ignoring a text wounds slightly, ignoring in person wounds massively.
The ignited fury lasts for as long as is necessary to gain fuel to head the wound caused by the wounding.
HG- I think what I am most puzzled by is what is the trigger that ends the seduction and begins the devalue? I’m trying to recall back that far. I do know that quite early on (during seduction) I began trying to get more emotionally close with no results that were very satisfactory to me. I am wondering if that is all it takes to switch over to the part of the game where it becomes silent treatment, lies, and gaslighting. That a target “wants more” than just sex and running around?
I don’t know if engaging with a narcissist personality disordered individual ever can seem to be genuine if the target is emotionally aware and very sensitive.
I almost frommthe start felt that her words rang hollow-and seemed contrived almost. But i thought uh? Maybe etc..
So I wonder if the duration of the seduction depends on the emotional awareness of the target in the emotional depth and quality of the soul of the target. I would assume the longer the relationship with a narcissist the weaker the targets emotional depth and character ??
Please see The 5 Devaluation Triggers.
You are so right when u say admitting blame will cause extinction he has his deflection skills so finely tuned that he could literally pick up a vase smash it over my head and within seconds have evidence that he actually didn’t do it and almost have me convinced too its actually remarkable
HG? How would you react if your intimate fuel source (that you have just discarded) moves on to another lover? Do you feel jealous? Seek to quickly hoover back? Do you discard for good? Do you attempt to break it up?
It is unlikely that would happen but assuming it did although I would be focussed on the new IPPS, the fact this individual has moved on to somebody else so soon would irritate me although I would not show it.
I would not hoover the individual at that stage other than possibly to do so in a malign way.
There is no such thing as a discard for good.
I may attempt to break up that person’s new relationship in due course, yes.
HG, what about intimate partners secondary source? Why do your kind put them on the shelf?
To engage with other secondary sources.
Thank you, HG! Glad you are back! Missed you! I presume also to engage with the primary source during respite or golden period for example?
Welcome to the “Shelved IPSS Club”, Insatiable Learner. HG identified this scenario for me and I kept thinking “who else would want a Middle Lesser Victim Narc who lives with his parents and is impotent?”, but HG was right, as usual, because I just found out who the other IPSS is!
Geyserempath, I was stupid enough to take mine into my home. You are not alone x
Thank you, geyserempath! Let’s make sure we exit the club as soon as possible!
Insatiable Learner – Yes, let’s exit stage left and be happy!
I’d take the blame. Just to get him out of my life. Crazy Fucking stalker narc. Where’s that information?