Raising The Hoover Bar




The hoover. It is one of the most discussed periods of the narcissistic entanglement. I am referring to it in the traditional sense, namely the three post-discard/escape hoovers, although as you will be aware from my works, there are other hoovers throughout the interaction between us and you.

There are most likely two reasons for the post discard/escape hoover being a prime topic of discussion. First, by the time you have worked out what you are dealing with you will have already experienced the seduction, devaluation and discard/escape. The post discard/escape hoover is what is occupying you now because it may have happened recently, is ongoing, or you anticipate it happening. The second reason is that the possibility of ongoing interaction with us continues to fascinate you and thus the post discard/escape hoover becomes the focus of much of your attention.

I have explained previously that if the Initial Grand Hoover has taken place and failed (this hoover being caused by your escape) then you will face follow-up hoovers thereafter, of a benign and/or malign nature. Their catalyst is whether you enter our spheres of influence through something you have done (spheres one to five) or the fact you have just entered out mind for some reason (sphere six). If you have entered a sphere of influence, we always consider (though dependent on the nature of your type of narcissist the degree of consideration varies considerably) whether a hoover could be effected. There are certain hurdles which will either prevent that hoover from taking place or reduce the likelihood of it taking place. These hurdles may well raise the bar so it is less likely that the Hoover Execution Criteria are met, meaning it is less likely you will suffer a hurdle. Knowing what these factors are and how we regard them is crucial in formulating your defences to maintain No Contact.  What, then,  are those hurdles?

  1. Your Whereabouts

If we do not know where to find you so that we can appear face to face and look to garner some excellent Proximate Fuel by turning up at your home, your work or somewhere else you frequent this naturally poses a considerable problem to us. A Greater Narcissist will apply some effort to ascertaining your whereabouts, a Lesser is unlikely to do much at all. Accordingly, as part of building your defences the necessity of changing where you can be physically found not only pays dividends in commencing No Contact but affecting the likelihood of a later hoover.

  1. Your Accessibility

In a similar vein we need to be able to contact you. If we do not have a physical place to either attend, drive past, leave or note or send a gift, then we will look to access you through electronic means. If we know your telephone number, we are far more likely to hoover or if we have a means of contacting you through an app or on social media. If you have effected a media blackout and managed to sustain it, the prospects of a hoover happening are vastly reduced.

  1. Gullibility of Friends and Family

We may have a lieutenant in your ranks already. If so, the prospects of being hoovered are increased as we will have them lined-up to leak to us where we can find you and how we can contact you. Even if there is no lieutenant, if there is the prospect for a hoover we (or one of our lieutenants) will approach people in your camp to gather this information. It is often done under a separate auspice – there may be an emergency, some post has arrived we need to pass on, there is something confidential to relay to you – and if your family and friends are trusted with contact information their susceptibility to releasing this information is important. Bear in mind several months may have passed and if a lieutenant approaches your parents or a friend, they may not be alert to the danger. If those who might have your contact information remain impregnable then the hoover prospects are diminished.

  1. Happy and Contented

If you are demonstrating (to the outside world at least) that you are happy and contented, then this will affect the hoover prospects. Generally speaking we expect you to still be pining for us and miserable. This is regarded as a condition which is fertile ground for a successful hoover. If we are aware that you are moving forward, you rarely mention us, you appear generally happy and content then the Lesser and Mid-Range of our kind will be less likely to attempt a hoover. This is because they may be easily rebuffed and even though you may do so in a pleasant way, the fuel gained will be minimal. You should be aware however that a Greater will regard you as a prospect to break and therefore will not be dissuaded by seeing you happy and content alone.

  1. A New Interest

If you happen to have moved on to somebody new, which of course is dependent on the passage of time and other factors, then again a Lesser or a Mid-Range is less likely to hoover. The prospect of being rebuffed and thus wounded through criticism will prove too great a risk to them. They will feel criticised already by knowing you are with someone new when you should be holding a torch and pining for them and they are likely to regard the hoover as too risky, with the prospect for no fuel and further wounding. This will not apply to the Greater Narcissist. We are more likely to apply a malign follow-up hoover and lash out at you and your new partner to get a double fuel strike.

  1. Your Fuel Potential

You will have been an excellent source of fuel at some point, that is why you were chosen and ensnared, but that changed. The reason hoover fuel is so potent is that you will have recovered to some extent from what has happened to you, you will want to see us or be relieved that we have come back for you (not always but often) and most of all the fact that we have abused you and yet we can still entice you either to start the Formal Relationship again or even to provide fuel shows how powerful we are and thus adds to the potency of the fuel. If you are a super empath or a co-dependent you will be a prime prospect for hoovering. However, if we regard you as still badly crippled by what we did to you so that you have been in effect numbed so that your emotional output is muted or deadened, this will affect whether a hoover will take place. In such circumstances a proxy hoover may take place so a lieutenant can scope you out. Or you may (if circumstances allow) receive a paving the way message which is not a hoover in itself but rather a way of seeing how the land lies to then decide whether a hoover attempt should be made.

  1. Your Knowledge

If we are aware that you know what we are or have information which could be damaging to us in the form of amounting to a serious criticism this will lessen the likelihood of a hoover. Whilst a Lesser has no awareness of what he or she is, if you do know and you keep making mention of it and adapting your behaviour accordingly, he or she will at least sense there is little fuel to be gained and/or the risk of criticism. Similarly, a Mid-Range will realise that there is something “off” with the situation and think very carefully before being exposed to less fuel and/or criticism. The Greater is not concerned by your knowledge of what he is. He will deny it and look to manipulate the situation to his advantage to draw further fuel, but he will be concerned by anything that could cause criticism.

  1. The Façade

This carefully constructed and maintained device which we use to repeated effect against you is important. Not only do we use it against you but it will be used against other victims and those who help create the façade provide us with fuel. We do not want this to be damaged or fractured in anyway. If we ascertain that there is a risk of this happening if we hoover you (for instance you have damning evidence of our behaviour which could be circulated if we engage with you) then we will not want the façade damaged by such exposure and accordingly the prospect of a hoover happening will be diminished.

  1. Energy levels

If you enter our sphere of influence when energy levels are lower as a consequence of lower fuel provision, then the hoover may be regarded as not worth the effort. If, however there is easy accessibility and the prospective fuel gain is considered to be significant then even low energy levels would not be a dissuading factor but if there are other factors as above in place which would prove difficult then when we have low energy levels this makes us less inclined to want to perform the hoover. This situation may arise where we are still embedding a new primary source after your escape or we may not have one yet and we are reliant on fuel from primary sources. If the hoover is perceived as having hurdles and energy levels are low, even though you may have entered a sphere of influence, we may look elsewhere for fuel and not engage in a hoover.

  1. The Type of Narcissist


The particular type we are has a bearing also. The Lesser will be looking for easy gains, low-hanging fruit and immediate results. The immediacy is important. Lacking the calculation of the Mid-Range and Greater, he will be inclined to hoover if you are in near reach even if there are other hoovers because he is unable to control his thirst for hoover fuel. He will however risk being rebuffed and this will in turn ignite his fury causing him to lash out at you with potential repercussions. If the Lesser does not see an immediate opportunity he will move on. He is akin to an opportunist burglar. The Mid-Range will put a little more effort and planning in but will be cautious in his approach, mindful of the potential repercussions and therefore a few hurdles will put him off. He may apply a little effort to consideration but it does not take too much to cause him to move on. The Greater will need considerable hurdles to prevent a hoover happening when a sphere of influence has been penetrated. If he knows there is very potent hoover fuel he will apply considerable effort, like a well-planned heist, to get those jewels.

These factors need to be taken in consideration with one another to determine the likelihood or not of a hoover happening once the sphere of influence has been penetrated.

20 thoughts on “Raising The Hoover Bar

  1. Sarah Jane says:

    ‘Raising the hoover bar’ always makes me think of being the cause of a hard-on.

    Don’t mind me, I’m speshul.

  2. Leolita says:

    After I broke no contact, with my ex ML, it ended (after three months of some contact, me being shelved most or the time) with me confronting him on some issue, and then he went NC with me, blocked my number.

    After two weeks I suddenly realised that I forgot two gold rings at his place, so I contacted him on SMS yesterday, asking if he had found them. He then answered, saying that the rings are not there.

    He did not take the opportunity to contact me further. Is this proof of that he has realised there is no gain in keeping up the contact, and no point in hoovering me further?

    1. Leolita says:

      (He had apparently unblocked my number. Why is that, then, if he was uninterested in further contact?)

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Provocation to cause a hoover for fuel.

    2. HG Tudor says:

      You should have

      1. Written off the gold rings; or
      2. Got a third party to recover them for you.

      You fell prey to your ET and breached no contact. His response was a denial of the accusation that he has the rings and evidence he wants you to remain away from him until such time as he decides he wishes to contact you. He will hoover in the future subject to a HT and the HEC being met. Impose your no contact regime again.

      1. Leolita says:

        Thank you! I know the rings are there. I assume he has reestablished the relationship (again) with the person he promoted to IPPS after I escaped him last year. Is this not a sign of that he is still «mad at me» for confronting and seeing through his lies? I was rather surprised to find I was unblocked.

        1. Leolita says:

          I am also wondering if he might be a ping pong player? Or is he a nomade, when he keeps hoovering me and this other new IPPS, but not establishing the FR again, with any of his appliances (he rarely gets into formal relationships, he keeps his entanglements as «intimate friends»).

        2. HG Tudor says:

          It is likely that he has an IPPS, they may be in devaluation however, hence why the conduit was opened up to you.

          1. Leolita says:

            Thank you so much for your valuable responses!

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome.

  3. Elyse says:

    I wanted to share an actual text i received yesterday to get a breakdown of it.

    My.husband is a lesser narc or a sociopath, not sure which. He is a serial cheater and has had multiple affairs from linking up with tinder hookups to Craigslist ads. Regardless, I forgive him and have maintained my No Contact after his last insane Hoover. He sent me these words, …and this is after admitting to continually have sexual relationships while we are still married.

    I would like some insight. Because, I am an empathetic person and a Christian, so i have a tendency to have a soft heart. Feedback would be appreciated.

    “What kills me is you always deem me as if im trying to hurt you. That shit drives me rampant and hurts my feelings and sets me back. But you say you love me. But think im out to get you. Makes 0”

    This is after I told him I did not want to be in his rotation of side chicks and I have a lot more self respect. Our story is really in depth but I won’t post here. I’ll save that for the audio consult with you HG. I just want opinions because he is always trying to throw shade my way. Screwing other women, hurts me. But he’s not out to hurt me. Hmmm

  4. Kathleen says:

    I’m very paranoid about returning some goods to the narc in that it may cause a hoover or she’ll interpret it as a ‘hoover’ from me.
    I have 2 particular items of about 5, at my home which I would toss or give to charity but they are more “sentimental” – however I wonder if the narc really gives a true crap. One is a handmade woolen tthrow her sister (she hates) made. The other is an old (1940s) wooden board game which hangs as a wall decoration. She lent me these simce I’d moved to a new place(after trashing my GOOD relationship to try to be with her) .ugh.
    I thought of contacting her niece and dropping the items at the nieces house in a few months. The time elapsed would be about six months since no contact. My ex narcissist has somewhat entered MY sphere by contacting to common friends in the last month . One for a dinner-And one was sent a Christmas card as though nothing had ever happened(she’d thrown said friend under bus when said friend accidentally exposed her lies to new supply.
    Of course the two friends say- I’ve known her 20 years and don’t really know anything about who she is and don’t value her “firiendship” much. I say- why would you want a friend like that. Anyways I want to get rid of these things from my home because they are part of the exercise of them and I don’t really like them that much anyways. The other few items are more practical like tools which I really do not think necessary to return in such a situation.
    I’m thinking the more time elapses the better. But I’m not sure. I’m a little afraid to even revisit it but I feel a little bit guilty tdiscarding a handmade item and a collectible item. Any thoughts?

  5. SadSteffi says:

    Hello HG,

    A couple of questions around hoovering and the IPSS and DLS –

    1) If we are on the shelf. and therefore presumably still in the formal relationship but the narc is busy with the IPPS, is it hoovering that is occurring when he contacts us (spheres/criteria considered) or crumbs of comfort?

    2) If we are disengaged from the formal relationship can we be hoovered to re-engage in the formal relationship?

    Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Yes.

      2. Yes.

      1. SadSteffi says:

        Thank you for clarifying HG.

  6. Wonderwoman says:

    How would a narcissist differentiate between criticism (which causes wounding and is unwanted) as opposed negative fuel (which it seems is desirable) during a hoover and I suppose devaluation and disengagement?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Read Fuel and Fury.

  7. Mara says:

    Thank you for this information, HG.

    This blog and your other writing keep my “sober” so to speak, from my own emotional thinking. Every time it starts to creep in, I remind myself of who he is: a narcissist and a fraud who uses people, and your work describes this clearly.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A good approach.

  8. Jasmine says:

    Ok.. I think I’m beginning to understand…
    His “stalking” is basically just hoovers. (Hopefully) And my no contact regime is an armoured link fence protecting my borders 🙂

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