Angels With Dirty Faces

ANGELSWITHDIRTY FACES

You are surrounded by Angels with Dirty Faces, albeit you are unable to see that encrusted filth that cakes them. You are oblivious to the touch which taints and the soiled footprints which beat a path back and forth to you. These individuals are the patient friend who listens to your tale of woe, the kindly physician with the twinkling eyes who resides at Bedside Manor, the soothing carer who chats to the elderly and infirm, the diligent charity worker and the host of the site which professes to guide you, the victim, out of the maze of narcissistic abuse.

The Angel with a Dirty face is an individual who is utterly convinced of their inherent goodness and moreover they have an unquenchable desire for the world to know that they are a good person, that they care, that they understand.

This facade of virtue and integrity is fundamental. It is how they truly believe that they are because this is what the world must know about them. It is not the quiet application of the nursery worker who looks upon those in her charge and smiles inwardly at a job being done well. It is not the sheepish looks of the diligent nurse when he is praised by grateful relatives. It is not the patient smile and humble response of the therapist who is hand-holding their distraught charge through their third meltdown of the year. The Angel with a Dirty Face has a towering conviction that they are good and you had better believe it because if you do not, well, then that makes you a bad person.

The Angel with a Dirty Face is not the Lesser of our kind. No. He does not have the capacity to emulate empathy. He does not care and is not even configured to even be able to try to look as if he cares. He is too rudimentary and brutal, too caught up in attempting to satiate his own needs to bother looking outside of his own bubble. He does not understand what it is to care and nor is he capable of doing so. It is not the Greater of our kind. True enough the masterful Greater Narcissist will easily be able to mimic those expressions and words of concern and is not beyond their occasional use purely for the purposes of driving his agenda, but be known for this faked empathy? No, that disgusts the Greater. He does not wish to be seen as caring, that is for others to do, his greatness comes from delivering – whether it is profit, great works of art, sensational film and literature, glorious rhetoric on the podium, lung-busting athletic records, mesmeric dance, intoxicating sexual congress and so forth. The Greater wishes to be known for pioneering achievement, the caring and the cuddling is beneath them.

The Angel with a Dirty Face is very much the preserve of the Mid Range Narcissist. He or she truly believes that he or she is a good person. They want you to know it too and you must accept it, well, because it is true. They think that they care about other people, they think that they do good work but they must be acknowledged for it and this must occur repeatedly. They want the recognition. They want you to tell them how good they are, that they are helping people, that they see you understand that they are honest and decent. Of course all of those responses are the fuel that they instinctively crave although  they are unable to recognise that. They see nothing wrong with being identified, highlighted and rewarded for their sterling work, after all, doesn’t that just tell more people about the good that they are doing?

There are those of the Mid Range school who are obsessed with such a portrayal. It matters to them that are seen as that local community pillar, the teacher whose pastoral care is second to none and the organiser of charity bakes and cancer research sales within the office. Where there’s a good cause, there’s a good chance you will find an Angel with a Dirty Face.

These individuals are everywhere and difficult to spot because of course they believe what they show the world. The Greater knows the charismatic front he advances which masks the seething malevolence and smiles that cold, reptilian smile as he sees yet more sleepwalking into his grasp. The Angel with a Dirty Face does not have that awareness. He or she has sufficient cognitive function to create the appearance of goodness, to appear to care, to put into effect what they believe themselves to be and in so doing this enables them to blend with considerable ease amongst all of you. The trusting nature of people, both normal and empathic alike means that they will see no reason to doubt the apparent caring credentials of these people. What you see is what you get, right? Seeing is believing, yes? This person is caring, helpful and good so they must surely be that way, after all, who on earth would ever put on one front and behave in a different way? Yet as you have come to recognise, not only is it our kind who do this, the depth of the front varying dependent on the school of narcissist, but its frequency is far greater than people realise.

So, how do you find the filth beneath the purity? How do you ascertain whether that person truly does feel that emotional empathy, is good of heart and mind and it is not just part of a facade? There are two detergents which remove the masking facade and expose the dirt that lurks underneath.

The first concerns recognition. As I mentioned above, the Angel with a Dirty Face must have recognition. Watch what happens if you fail to acknowledge that person’s contribution or if you accord it to somebody else. An empathic individual may be hurt that their efforts have gone unrecognised but they will largely keep it to themselves, not wishing to be seen as churlish or attention-seeking. They may leave it to another to correct the error but they will certainly not make a song and dance about being overlooked. Unsung hero is a medal they are more than content to wear. Someone normal might be irked and may speak up but they will not react to the failure to accord to them sufficient acknowledgement for what they have done.

Yet the Mid-Ranger who is the Angel with a Dirty Face who is not given recognition will be unable to contain the effects of this wounding. The failure to praise them, credit them for their endeavours, acknowledge what a kind and wonderful person they are results in them being wounded and this will manifest through the ignition of fury. Being Mid Range, the failure to recognise brings forth mainly cold fury. Accordingly, watch out for:-

  1. Complaining to other people as part of a protracted Pity Play – “I cannot believe that Mary forgot to thank me for my funding efforts, I mean, she knows I do this every year and all I wanted was her to say thank you. that’s not too much to ask is it? I didn’t notice her bothering her backside to help out.”
  2. Sulking at the event
  3. Giving a silent treatment to the person who has transgressed
  4. Passing passive aggressive comments either on social media or in person.
  5. Cajoling third parties to remind someone to recognise what they have been doing
  6. Refusing to offer further assistance until they receive an apology for the ‘oversight’
  7. Belittling the efforts of others in the same sphere
  8. Threatening to join a rival organisation

The nature of caring, empathising and demonstrating this goodness is, as I have witnessed, meant to be an understated endeavour, a vocation where the act itself is its own reward which requires no standing ovation or repeated praise and lavish thanks. Recognition is not required. If it is provided, the empathic individual or normal person will graciously accept it, but it is not a concern if it is not provided. Selfless individuals do not seek this recognition, but the Angel with a Dirty Face must have it and if they do not, you will know the reactions along the lines of those above and the dirt begins to show.

The second method of exposure is that of challenge. An empathic person recognises that people have views and opinions, that it matters that they should be able to articulate them and that they are not invalidated. I have learned much about this approach in my interactions with others and I am intrigued by their capacity to allow this. They will allow others to state their case, they will advance their own but recognise that the two can exist side by side. It is genuine tolerance, not done for show or for kudos but borne out of the empathic decency of allowing the voices of others. Not so the Angel with a Dirty Face. If you challenge their methodology of how they dispense their apparent care, if you disagree with their views, if you suggest there is a better way, you will then see the angelic coating recede and the dirt beneath come very much to the fore.

When challenged in this way, the Angel with a Dirty Face feels their superiority attacked and therefore since they are a Mid Range Narcissist in disguise, this attack on their perceived superiority ignites their fury and the attack must be repelled. You should watch for the following:-

  1. Being smeared and bad-mouthed to third parties for your audacious criticism of the Angel with a Dirty face “after all they have done” and “just because they are jealous of what I do” and “all I am trying to do is help people and this is how I am treated.”
  2. Directing Lieutenants and the Coterie to attack the transgressor. This is especially evident in an online environment where people will “jump in” on the accused and land blows on behalf of the Mid Ranger, after all, he or she most prefers others to be doing the dirty work.
  3. Invalidating the view of the transgressor and doing so without reference to any substantive point but saying they are wrong, because they are wrong.
  4. Going on the attack directly against the perceived transgressor.
  5. Acting hurt and crestfallen.
  6. Rolling out Pity Plays
  7. Accusing the transgressor through projection, most notable labelling them as  a narcissist.
  8. Isolating the perceived transgressor through familial or social ostracisation, removal from social media, removal from committees or employment.

The Angel with a Dirty Face is a dangerous individual because their facade enables them to inveigle themselves into positions of relative authority and from there when their endeavours are not recognised and/or others politely question or challenge their way of doing things, rather than listen and apply, they will allow the dirt to emerge and use it to smear and pollute the innocent and those who are genuine in their intentions. This dirt muddies the water to such an extent and so convincing are the performances of the Mid Ranger in these scenarios that those who have done wrong end up being made to be the scapegoat, they are pilloried and driven out. Of course, achieving such an outcome only reinforces the Angel with a Dirty Face’s notion that he or she is absolutely right and that what they did was justified.

You will know these Angels with Dirty Faces. Time to do some cleaning of your own.

 

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19 thoughts on “Angels With Dirty Faces”

  1. Bwahahahaha that Pingback was fab! I think I’m a Tania fan!
    Love this article, puts the pieces together , I think.

  2. I am not sure how I missed this article, but SO grateful for the pingback, HG! This is exactly the guy I was entangled with for 30+ years. I couldn’t reconcile the affected altruism with the narcissism. Clarity can be so liberating! Thank you!

  3. It is interesting that this term is what I have called ‘sanctimonious douche bag’.

    It’s important to not confuse sanctimony with empathy and these people are the most sanctimonious, asshole ‘do-gooders’ on earth.

    If you disagree on a point, they will label you a bad person. A good example is having some reservations about the MeToo movement–suddenly they will label you a misogynist.

    I had a coworker who was a back-stabbing snitch, yet he would boast about giving to charity and how he stood for liberal causes, but in reality, he was only out for himself.

    I don’t know what it is, but I can very often sniff these types out online, because they can be patronizing shits, and then when you call them out on their bullshit, they will play the victim as though everyone is picking on them.

    I think these people piss me off the most of all the narcissists. They’re just so fake. I have known a lot like this. And I do think they dislike me because I never kiss their ass.

  4. HG, this pic actually looks similar to one of the baby pics the narc I got entangled with sent me (without the dirt on the face). He looked so precious and innocent. What do you think was the purpose of him sending his baby pics? I have my suspicions but would like to know your opinion. Maybe I am just overthinking this. He is a mid ranger. Thank you!

  5. ” It was her kissing her mother’s photo… wearing only a red bra and underwear.”

    HG could start a new series for the Dirty Face Narcs using that meme.

  6. My Dirty Angel Dad, a.k.a. D.A.D. and me both volunteer for Bingo, PTO and we both pick up litter around the school and the playground.
    We are so much alike, except he is the narcissist and I am the empath. He makes plans with the moms to meet for coffee during the day. Afternoon Delight, sky rockets in flight…

  7. One of the times I became most certain I was dealing with an N was the way he treated a dying elderly “friend” of his. He had completely ignored the guy for years, showed up when told he was nearing the end and then–Get this!–posted a pic of him sitting next the poor man, who honestly looked like he had minutes to live. (He did. He died the next day.) I think posted pics can often be a window to the soul. (I think of another suspected N who posted a pic on the anniversary of her mother’s death. It was her kissing her mother’s photo… wearing only a red bra and underwear.)

      1. 🙂 I was thinking the same, but then I came up with the usual excuses: “maybe this was accidental, maybe she didn’t realise she didn’t wear clothes, etc.. So I did not respond to to J. But it really is weird behaviour and just another excuse to show off her body probably. I see many women do this on Instagram. They show their almost naked body and then write some ‘spiritual’ lines, ha ha.
        Well, maybe I would do the same if I was young and had a body that I could show off, but definitely not while kissing a picture of my mother 🙂

      2. @Blank–It was definitely not an accident. She did as you say. She made a comment about how doing so felt more raw or natural to her and that’s how she wanted to express missing her mom or something like that.

  8. Ugh…this “do gooder” type particularly bothers me…it’s hard to ignore that despite their motivations, they can perform acts that benefit others.

    But, still, it’s icky to me – the showy, “need for recognition” (sometimes “holier-than-thou”) people. The true (pure heart) giver will do so in the shadows, never expecting or wanting credit – because they truly aren’t looking for anything back.

    I think I’ve known too many of these dirty-faced angel types. I’m pretty sure most empaths can spot these folks a mile away — but probably so can many “normals.” I hate to say that I’ve seen a lot of these people in the church, which is too bad, because there’s nothing wrong with going to church.

    I never thought of them as dangerous, but I can see how that could evolve… the façade, at all costs – and kind of a godlike complex.

  9. My mother in law bless her lol if ever there was a blog that perfectly described her this would be it 😄
    She constantly needs to be acknowledged and when she isnt her mood turns very sour and she is annoying to be around. Its made it that when she does something nice it cant be taken at face value.

  10. The picture doesn’t quite match. This is such a sincere sweet innocent face. Look at those eyes. Which brings me to the following: even worse than the kind of “angels” you mention, are the ones that pretend to be such good people and take care of children (often abroad, being financially supported) running children’s homes, or orphanages and meanwhile sexually abuse these poor children. Whenever I read these kind of stories, give me a gun and I’ll kill those bastards for you. Nothing makes my blood boil more than this.

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