Dirty Little Secret
Sometimes it is not all Relationship Bulletins, declarations to the world about you and me or announcements across the fabric of social media about our perfect love. Sometimes you are the dirty little secret.
This is never the title afforded to the primary source that we have chosen. It is those who are secondary sources who find themselves labelled in this way.
Do you have a friend who makes demands of your time, often calls you and ensures that you give up your time so he or she is able to tell you all about what they have been doing, obtain your advice and uses you as a sounding board? Does this person tell you all about the brilliant weekend or she has just had with a group of other friends at some weekend away or at a concert but somehow no invitation came your way? Do you perhaps politely and subtly ask whether you can attend some forthcoming event which this friend is enthusiastically telling you about, maybe even gloating about how brilliant it will be, but this friend shows all of the perception of a plank of wood and never picks up on your hints? Even if they do or perhaps if you are more forceful as you ask whether you can attend or you point out how you never get invited along, are you met with comments such as:-
“Yes, I know you would have loved to have come but I didn’t organise it, John did and it is his fault he didn’t ask you.”
“I didn’t think it was your kind of thing.”
“There was only a few places available but I will make sure you can come to the next one.”(Of course this never transpires)
“I thought you hated rock music. I am sure you told me that you did.”
“I have been so busy I must have forgotten to ask you.”
“I did ask you and you said no.Dont you remember?”
(Of course this is a lie.)
These people are our inner circle. The select few who are our guardians of our reputations, loyal lieutenants and brainwashed and indoctrinated to fawn over us, carry out our demands and provide us with fuel and you are not in the inner circle.
In fact, the inner circle does not ever know about you. When we spend time with you, we string you along with future-faking, we allow you to bask in our greatness and at first it feels good to have such an interesting, charismatic and seemingly attentive friend. You may attract the label of friend and you sit in the outer circle but you are a dirty secret secondary source. We do not want our inner circle to know about you because whilst you serve an excellent purpose in providing us with fuel, your enthusiasm when we tell you with a moment’s notice that we are coming to visit is just the tip of the fuel berg. We know you are loyal, dependable and faithful. We know you will provide us with the fuel that we need and you above everybody else will be the go to person when fuel stocks are running low. Whether it is 3am call or an appearance on a wet and windy Monday evening in winter, you always welcome us in, always take the call and you always oblige. We do make you feel special, trotting out the easy to mouth platitudes about how much we like being with you, how we enjoy your company, how it is good to know that we can depend on you but this is just to keep you sweet and functioning. The reality is we do not want other people knowing about you because you do not fit with our idea of how our life looks. You might not be as good looking as we would prefer, you might not shine in a group, or you are apt to saying unusual things which we feel would make us look less impressive in front of our all important facade. No, you are kept in the background, used but rarely abused because you are the long-serving indentured servant of the narcissist. The loyal hound that sits in the corner of the kitchen, always ready to wag your tail for us but too old and unappealing to be paraded at the show. This is the role of a dirty secret secondary source.
There is also the Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“DSIPSS”). You were seduced and made into a secondary source and within the blind of an eye you were bedded and the platitudes of love and dedication came pouring forth in order to secure your loyalty. There are those who are earmarked for promotion to primary source, they are destined for better things so long as they come up to proof with regard to the provision of fuel, character traits and residual benefits. Those who are on the fast-track to being installed as the primary source can expect to meet our children, meet our families and our friends, be paraded and attend certain events with us, all at the humiliating cost to the currently devalued primary source who is on their way out, all being well with the seduction of this Intimate Partner Secondary Source. The future is rosy for this person.
The DSIPSS , at the outset, is never considered for promotion. Words may be whispered to that effect but they are just false promises, more future faking and the crumbs of comfort which are scattered to stop you foraging elsewhere. When we allocate you the role of dirty secret next to nobody knows about you.
Whereas the IPSS who is in waiting for the top role may find themselves being picked up and put down, with intervals of silence in between the weekend hook-ups, as we test that person to gauge their suitability for promotion, it is a different story for the dirty secret.
The dirty secret actually may well see quite a lot of us. in the backs of cars, in seedy motel rooms, in the back of the warehouse, the disabled toilet, the alley behind the house and such like. You are never to be seen by our family, our friends or even our colleagues. You remain hidden because your presence will offend our facade. We are the dedicated family man and thus we cannot be seen hanging out the back of you down some leafy lane at dusk. We are the champion of morals in our local community and it would not be the done thing for us to be know to be engaging in the debauchery that we insist on when we are with you. The primary source may well be devalued but we do not want them to be sullied by the knowledge of the filthy whore that have twice a week. You are a pit stop for a delicious injection of fuel. That snatched two drinks in an out of town bar where you had to sit and wait for two hours before we showed up? You are a dirty secret. Never allowed to call or message us before we have contacted you first? You are a dirty secret. Never allowed to meet our friends? You are a dirty secret. We wish to portray an image and you do not fit with that image but you are a potent bundle of fuel, dedicated and desperate, always hanging on for that stolen hour in bed together, the occasional afternoon when we pretend to work to have a meeting in the next state or county. You live for those moments because in that instant we make you feel wonderful, we focus on you, we give you the best sex, the excitement and the promises, oh the promises of what could be yours.
The future faking with an IPSS is born out of being torn between not wanting to lose a good source of fuel and the potential this IPSS has to perhaps become a primary source at some juncture. We do not want to lose that, thus we keep the IPSS hanging on as I described in the article ‘What Am I To Him?’ It is a different set-up for the DSIPSS. You were not initially selected for potential promotion. You were selected because you are a dependable, reliable turbo-boost of fuel and when we demand it, you always provide it. Why would we ever let that go? We would not.
Like the friend who is the dirty little secret above, you are the same but with you comes the intimacy. you are the recipient of our oft-spewed sugary charms and in receipt of our desire to use you for sex and the provision of fuel. We rarely take you anywhere, for fear of detection and our engagements are covert, hurried and secretive, yet this adds to our charm, our mystery and you find it as addictive as we do. It is only when we are going and you wonder what we are doing and who with, that you are left to rue the emptiness and the loneliness. You want to provide us with what you think we need, to allow your goodness to shine for us, but we will never let you do so, not outside of those hotel walls where we meet every Thursday evening.
Unfortunately for you, you do not fit in with the image we wish to convey to the world. You do not fit with what we wish to show. If we ever saw you, by chance, when we are out with our facade, be that family, friends or colleagues, we would ignore you and pretend we did not know you. Of course, later that day we would lay on the charm to excuse our behaviour because we do not want to let you go either. You are a brilliant stick on emergency fuel patch. You provide fuel and you remain hanging on, waiting for the day that you hopefully emerge blinking into the light of the golden period for the primary source.
That is never going to happen directly and at the outset of your allocation to this role. Not that we will admit it to you.
Stay in that dark corner and wait for our call.
You are a dirty little secret.
39 thoughts on “Dirty Little Secret”
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I am very confused about the nature of a narc’s relationship with a current Lt. and former friend. Friends with benefits arrangements, but was extremely jealous of her (despite the fact he had girlfriends and slept with other women throughout their arrangement), however he rarely went to her place. Instead, she would drive an hour to his house whenever he called, cleaned, handled all the arrangements when he moved out of state, etc. Also, she was known as “the maid” to a select group of people. He also teased her about her weight, and other things. He triangulated us right in front of each other, calling me instead of her, complimenting me in front of her, amongst other things. Also, he started his own smear campaign of her toward the end (it was subtle) although I was a candidate NISS to IPSS. I realize this is an old post HG, but can you give me any clues?? Thanks!
This blog is the best discovery I made in the past two months. Thank you HG. It made me understand I am not faulty or worthless – the issue was him him. Five months, going from asking me to change habits towards a healthier lifestyle because I would get pregnant (he was obsessed with starting a family) to finding out he had been with someone else all along, and she actually got pregnant halfway through my relationship with him. He was charming. Always talking about how successful he was, how he got to where he is standing right now, how everyone adored him, how he was a gift to humanity, and how he had risen from all blows people had given him over the course of his life. I never met any of his friends, and family was out of question since they live in another country. Always secretive, blaming the nature of his job, and the lightest sleeper i have ever met.The reason we broke up is because I started insisting for more time and effort from him. I found out about his primary relationship one week after the breakup. He never mentioned her, and there is no obvious trace of her existence (or any other woman for that matter) in his social media. I am torn about categorizing myself though: was I an IPSS or a dirty secret? Not that it would change a thing about the whole mess, but it would certainly make me see a bit clearer.
HG. I read this article at the appropriate time! I have a female friend (I am female too), whom I believe is using me as her dirty little secret friend!! I have questioned whether or not she is a true friend, as she has an inner circle of friends who used to be my friends. We parted as friends for a while, because I removed myself from the toxic people in that group and needed to distance myself. However, we started to hang out (only at my house, and when I invited her out to things that I was doing` she never invited me anywhere and would call at the last minute, asking what my plans were for the night and so I would invite her over). I felt she was using me as a ‘sounding board’ and as you stated, she would tell me all about going out with the other girlfriends, yet I was NEVER invited, as if she was flaunting that in front of me! BUT… she doesn’t seem like a narc, herself.. I have often thought of her as an APATH.. I’ve heard her say negative things about herself (something a narc doesn’t do, and she shares plenty of information about herself with everyone (she talks ALOT).. but I’ve also noticed she gives personal information about those close to her, too.. I just can’t figure her out.. I would like to know what SHE is, because after reading this article, it seems I am her dirty little secret… Please let me know if she is just a flying monkey?? do they get kicks out of keeping dirty little secrets??
From the information you have provided I agree that you are a Non-Intimate Secondary Source Dirty Little Secret.
Her behaviour accords with a narcissist but further scrutiny of her behaviour etc will make that clearer. A consultation is the appropriate forum for that. A narcissist will say negative things about themselves (Mid Range) to gain fuel through sympathy and pity or to gain some other advantage (Lesser/Mid Range) “I am useless with money and always broke and I need to pay for a new boiler” (Give me the residual benefit of “lending” me the money).
She could be a Lieutenant (I don’t use aerial simian) and also a narcissist too but I suspect she is a narcissist controlling you in her own right.
Thank you. I understand why a narc would say negative things about themselves for the purpose of gaining something or to play the victim, however, she tells people things about herself that you wouldn’t want people to know, for fear of people using it against you, or making fun of you.. but.. I guess I could see that she may tell me these things, so that I can see just how vulnerable she is, so that I will share my vulnerabilities with her.. I agree with you. Part of me wants to confront her, but if she is a narc… then there is no need.. I will no longer be controlled by her. She can stay in her inner circle and have fun with that. Incidentally.. I entangled myself with another narc and included her in the friendship.. which now.. he began his triangulation of me and her, and now is trying to get with her, because I have ghosted him. She tells me she is not responding to him, but now, after reading all of this… I’m sure she is lying to me. I’m just so sick of these people.
Im sure weve all been referred to in that manner by the women before us. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Where you may see plain, overweight, older, or average, the narc beholds the fresh and potent fuel flowing and that yet to be extracted. Women who know their worth, refuse to be treated that way any longer, and do not make comparisons to other womens worth based on their appearance are most beautiful in my eyes. We all see something different.
We’re offended if the newest victim is less than and crushed if shes more than. Either way-she is a victim as we were and no different, except that to this point she has not had the privledge of being is enlightened.
I know I was a DLS eventually after I found out he was still living with his gf (after saying they had separated and that she was crazy) and he had at least one IPSS on the go at the same time too. But low and behold all of a sudden he told me the gf who had apparently left him was the best thing ever, and also the IPSS was amazing and they were catching up frequently..just as friends.. haha yeah right. Of course now i know he said all this to piss me off and trianguate me to get fuel. I left him and went no contact after realising I was just an appliance to him and after he devalued me so horrendously with such vile words spewing out of his mouth. I now know he is with some one else in the side (probably another DLS) as well as the 2 women who still worship him. However it makes me wonder what he sees in those 2 women? He is very good looking and both of his 2 women are very plain and overweight and quite a bit older than him, yet he socialises with the live in gf and his family apparently think she is amazing..of course he told me this. My question is, why wouldn’t a good looking narc go for someone who is also good looking so that he can parade her around looking like he won the lottery? Instead he has gone for overweight plain boring Jane…
I’ve noticed this too and definitely with the narc I was involved with. It really confused me some of the pics I’d see him flaunt on Facebook with women anyone could get that were average at best. He seemed more, “look at all the women I can get” and less “look at the type of women I can get.”
In many regards i feel this dirty little secret mentality. When you know you shouldnt be with someone and its being hidden its a dirty secret. You cant be out in the open with your affections and cant be yourself fully. My narc has told his family about me but not the specifics and in that regard im a dirty secret.
Some people enjoy being the dirty secret while others want more and cant accept theyll never be more. Their position was permanent from the start.
HG – sorry, I need to add, the Narc has something on the DLS, so they could both damage each other if it came to a tussle.
HG – if the DLS wanted to move on, would the Narc let them go, assuming they are a DLS for a reason (embarrassing to the Narc reputation and facade)? Thank you.
In most instances, no, because this is the DLS exerting control, seeking to reject the narcissist and therefore this would wound and impact upon the narcissist’s need for control. The narcissist would only allow that person to go (and ensure the DLS knew it was the narcissist letting them go, them not deciding to go) if it accorded with some other aim or need of the narcissist.
Well apparently they dont let go until someone gives the death rattle, so the DLS would be no different.
They can say and think what they want (and they do) but we dont need their permission, and after we move on and commit to no contact, theyre the ones hoovering and trying desperately to break the no contact despite having others in the fuel matrix sooo…………
Ask yourselves: Who really has the power and is in control?
Thank you, HG.
This is where I again get confused, HG. My narc used to say that he wanted me to move on and let him go all the time.
“You need to be rid of me”
“I need to be dead to you”
“You cannot feel this strongly for me” and so on.
I am assuming he does not mean those things?
If I were to say “I am getting rid of you, you are dead to me and I no longer feel strongly for you” is that different? I am assuming that would wound? Yet it is okay for him to “want” me to say and/or do those things? Yet I am never to actually say or do them? Have I made sense of that? I am so damn confused.
These are typical Mid Range comments which are designed to provoke you into responding along the lines of
“I do not want to be rid of you. Why would I do that?”
“Don’t say that, I don’t want that to happen.”
“I do feel strongly for you, you know I do, how can I prove to you that I do.”
Thus you provide fuel, remain bound and demonstrate you remain under control. It also makes him appear as if he is trying to the right thing by ending matters with you and focusing on his wife etc and is letting you go (although he is actually doing nothing of the sort).
However, if you said those things to him that would wound and you are exerting control which he would not like EVEN THOUGH he may have said just one minute earlier that you need to be rid of him.
HG,
OMG my head HURTS after reading that explanation from you but I think I understand. It seems very similar to “reverse psychology” almost. Don’t you dare feel so strong for me = You better feel strong about me!
So by replying to the opposite of what he says, he remains in control. Yet if I replied the way he “wanted” me to reply, he’d be wounded? Even though he said it?
To take it a step further if I were to actually challenge him and say “BUT THIS IS WHAT YOU SAID” what would he do? Silent me? Deny it?
Doesn’t your kind (well mid-rangers anyway) become exhausted from this sort of thinking?
He’s such an intelligent guy, surely he must be able to see how flawed and fucking stupid this way of acting is? Why HG? What the hell happens to their brain that makes them act like this? Are mid rangers the most contradictory out of all types of narc?
I’ve been the DSIPSS. This was during a time I didn’t want to be in a relationship and this lasted for over 2.5 years. I met him through a class, so I was familiar with his social circle, but he didn’t integrate me into his life like HG said. I knew this wouldn’t happen, since that wasn’t the nature of our relationship. I didn’t care about this aspect. Actually, the reason I got involved with him was because I knew he wasn’t boyfriend material; therefore, my thinking was, I wouldn’t get attached to him, even though I eventually did. Towards the end he told me on 3 separate occasions that he would never date me, because I wasn’t submissive enough and was only using me for sex. I was very hurt by this, but at the same time…would I really enter into a relationship with this man? Did he scream “boyfriend material?” He was openly not monogamous, had major trust issues, not to mention his numerous narcissistic features comparable only to my mother. He eventually got himself a girlfriend, moved in with her, but still cheats on the side. Isn’t that nice? There’s worse things in life than being the DSIPSS.
Becky,
I was a DSIPSS too. My midranger introduced me as a friend to a few of his friends. I did not meet close friends or family but he spoke of them all the time, sharing their social media and info about their lives, immersing me when them in that manner but I never met anyone. One time he even told me me that someday I would meet his friends and he would regale them with stories of how we knew one another since we were kids (we did not though). When I told him “I think your friends will know you are telling stories there…” he said to me, “Well that depends on which friends we hang out with”. I was also used for sex as well.
Wow, my narc rarely spoke about his friends. I might get a few sentences before he’d shut the convo down for being too invasive. But I met a lot of his friends in the class I met him at and got to know them for about 2 months before we began sleeping together. Whether or not he let them know is beyond me. The thing of this article is my friends didn’t know about him either. I mentioned him in the very beginning, but I didn’t go into detail about him bc I knew it was only sexual. It wasn’t until recently when I changed my phone number in order to get away from him that I mentioned him to anyone again…and they were like, “Who? What guy? I thought you weren’t seeing anyone.”
I am a lot less dirty now that my water heater is fixed. (FB pics of this new appliance forthcoming.)
I am so happy. It is no secret. I might take it to France.
Good for you! My malfunctioning vacuum cleaner is still here, but I have one stashed away in a box in my cellar which I can use in the meantime; until I replace it. It’s not really up to my standards of how I prefer a vacuum cleaner to be though and it does little or nothing for my façade so when I’m off to Dubai soon I won’t take it with me; it’s way to dirty and it can forget any Facebook postings;) Enjoy France Bibi!
But on a more serious note I feel overwhelmed by this article. It’s harsh, but well needed I think. Sugar coating doesn’t exactly help in our struggle to be free and leave the past behind.
“Like the friend who is the dirty little secret above, you are the same but with you comes the intimacy. you are the recipient of our oft-spewed sugary charms and in receipt of our desire to use you for sex and the provision of fuel.”
Nailed it. Pun not intended.
Hey NA,
I like your style!
HG,
Why does the Darling Loving Supplier get the label of “dirty” when it is the Narc who is whoring him/herself out for fuel?
(facepalm)
Nevermind. I remember now.
The N is Superior, Entitled, and Blame Deflecting. 😛
All part of the control and superiority dynamic.
Feels like this post and previous (Just Leave Him) might be reminders from current conversations.
I’m finding them more scary and sad than encouraging.
But, you don’t sugarcoat, do you?
Sometimes you just got to choke it down.
‘Let me know that I’ve done wrong
When I’ve known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you
Tell me all that you’ve thrown away
Find out games you don’t wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know
I’ll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don’t tell anyone, or you’ll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret’
https://youtu.be/gPDcwjJ8pLg
I hate the “dirty” associations I have in m history with narcissists. It wasn’t me that was dirty.
HG I am about 99% sure my ex anonymously sent me a dvd player in the mail. I have been NC for 9 months after he disengaged from me 10 months ago. Why would he send it to me without a name on it? Does he want me to text him to ask if he sent it? I won’t of course. It just seems like such a half ass hoover.
To try to provoke a reaction and to enable him to use plausible deniability if you contacted him and asked him if he sent it.
Sharon
I’ll ask the obvious. Is there a dvd in it? Or is he hinting that there are some you may want to replay or some forthcoming? None of which should initiate any contact by you-Im just wondering what message he was trying to get across by sending that particular device.
Hg I am confused about how midrangers could not realize they feel better when they make their significant other upset. My ex would always complain about fighting all the time and act like he hated fighting. So does he actually like fighting?
The purpose of the complaint is to provoke you and to blame-shift, namely he sees you as the problem and not himself and by saying he does not like to fight this is part of confusing you and laying the blame with you, in order to draw fuel and maintain the superiority of the dynamic.
Why do you keep changing your screen name?
I changed my name because my ex looks at this blog too and I don’t want to use my real name. Ironically he reads this blog to tell me how I am the narcissist.
Come now, no need to be negative. We are not dirty and do not accept your title. Lets call it like it really is shall we. A less negative connotation to what we really provide to you.
DLS
Delicious Little Sip
Co-D
Compassion On Delivery
EMPATH
Evil Mens Peek At Total Heaven
Oh…you can SUPER size that last one.
I believe there is an article on your pet names for us that is very enlightening, but we dont accept those any longer either. Baby and Sweetie are anonymous and should be reserved for kittens and children. We will only accept our proper names from here forward in real life to ensure respect.
I like the last one.
So amazingly more accurate 🤣
Nicely said Narc Angel! I better stop answering my phone Dirty Empath Hotline, how may I help you?
That makes me feel sick to the core of my whole being.
How can a human being ( like the narc i am entangled with) have become so despicable? I saw the methamorphosy in him..
i am still in shock and denial.