A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 71

 

KIMI LETTER

Goodbye my love, my tormentor, my own personal version of heaven subsumed by hell!

This time (3rd engagement) my eyes were wide open as I now know what you are, what you are not, what drives and fuels you and the many manipulative games you play. I only meant to observe and experience you, my Narcissist while being fully aware. With my new found knowledge, I thought I could abundantly meet your needs while staying immune to your emotional upheaval and abuse. I was wrong, so very wrong! I still became confused and anxious, often sleep deprived due to your calls and texts, lied to repeatedly, cherished and then ignored. After the Golden Period, not one day was like the one before it except for the common thread of highs and lows.

Did I love you still? Yes, with passion! I was in love! Did I believe we would be together forever? No, not any longer. Was I attached to and addicted to you? Oh yes, you made sure of it! Were you attached to me? To anyone? No, you’re not capable of bonding or love, although you believe you are.

Our days together turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months. We lasted far longer than I thought we would. I learned more about you than I ever wanted to know, as I deceived you into confiding the details of your sexual conquests. I was horrified at the number and the nature of all the women you have engaged with! You are a Somatic Narcissist, after all!

Eventually though, I tumbled from my pedestal. You slowly began punishing me and pulling away, searching for my replacement, pursuing and seducing other women. Then you prematurely disengaged from me, blocked and silenced for a week. She must not have been sufficient as you eagerly slipped me back in place as the Primary, only to slowly disengage a few weeks later while reading and never responding to my pleading texts. You waited until Christmas Day to block me and extend your silence, your absence in my life. Merry fucking Christmas to me…

A week of mutual silence followed by my urgent numerous imploring pathetic phone calls. Your responses were severely cold and cruel, revealing the man beneath the mask. I dared not call again. And then as the dark days slowly slipped by, I no longer craved you or wanted to hear your voice… just one last time. You did not “break” me or “tear [me] down piece by piece slowly .. from the inside out” as you told me you would do. You could not. I’ve yet to be broken by your kind.

For all the damage and destruction you crudely brought, you did leave me with one gift: an awareness of your blatant abuse, manipulations and desire for total control over me. Others before you had been much more subtle with their machinations, using a finesse and charm that you don’t possess. My new awareness led to a journey of understanding your behavior and I did find answers and clarity while reflecting back over a lifetime of familial and romantic interactions with your kind.

You are now blocked on all fronts, your photos and music deleted. The ache in my heart is diminishing slowly, the tightness is gone from the center of my chest, my lungs are free to expand and breathe again, my skin is clearing, the nightly drink relinquished… peace is slowly permeating my life… without you. I’m discovering the presence of joy and wonder in my world, once again and among those that I love and who love me. I actually glimpsed myself smiling again today as I drove to work at the beach: top down, warm sun on my face and my music carrying me along.

This is the letter I will never send, for you already know this story. You’ve played it out a hundred plus times before and will continue to do so. No, you’ll not get my letter, but you will get my perpetual silence as I delete you from my heart and mind. I’ll cherish the lessons learned, but nothing more of you. When and if I think of you, I will say a prayer even though the eternal optimist in me knows that you are beyond help. You will never change. I will pray that you obtain some power and peace while doing the least possible damage to those left in your wake, especially your children. Oh dear Lord, your children!

I will recover and avoid your kind in the future, only allowing those worthy of my love into my heart and life. You are my past as were the others before and like you, all of you Narcissists! You are not my future! But don’t fret! You still have plenty of unaware Empaths to seduce and victimize for now. However, our awareness is growing and your kind, Narcissistic human predators are slowly being outed… we are seizing the power!

Kimi

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29 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 71”

  1. Kimi
    Thank you. I cried when I read this. I can relate to your experience in many ways. This was honest and heart felt. We really do need to seize our own power, implement No Contact and be silent forevermore. I also pray for my ex. I pray that God will heal him and his NPD. I pray that he will use this awareness to better himself and to stop abusing.

  2. It is so very touching ! Its the 4th of july …. I never noticed the date! I left him … 6th attempt! I have to make it ! Not a nother lesson! Best of luck and strenth to all of u!

  3. I’m brand new to this blog and have been reading quite a bit of the entries. This is the first one I’ve felt compelled to comment on. Kimi, the details and timing of this letter make me wonder if I’m the one that came after you.

    1. Hi Amelia,

      My Nex (ex-Narcissist) is a full-blown card-carrying HG-text example of a Narc (Lower Mid-range Somatic), which is probably why he seems so familiar. My previous Narcs were much more subtle in their manipulations so I never knew or pondered what they were. I do now thanks to HG!

      I live in North Carolina (US) on the coast and my Nex lives in the country outside of Raleigh. In hindsight, I now know I met my Narc over a year and a half ago while he was in a relationship that lasted on and off for seven years. His last relationship, that I know of lasted seven weeks throughout the Christmas season. I doubt any of us were ever truly alone in a relationship with him, at least not for long. And he does Hoover, sometimes resurrecting the formal relationship or taking the IPSS off the shelf. I believe I’ve been a both a IPPS and a shelved IPSS.

      I hope my Narc was not yours as he was brutal during the Devaluation and Discard!

      Welcome to the blog and comments! I found all my answers here through HG and my fellow Empath commenters. Over a year later, I’m still learning!

  4. Thank you for sharing your inspiring letter Kimi. I hope your awareness and happiness keep growing and your life keeps improving. It’s so true that narcissists provide us with life lessons that make us stronger in the end. It’s a tough lesson to learn and you did very well to overcome it

    I really like the last sentence of your letter. General awareness is growing slowly. I can’t wait for the day when knowledge about narcissistic manipulation is so common that people are able to detect it and speak openly about it.

  5. Hi kimi…ty for your great letter! Two things stood out to me. One was the fact you felt you could control the dynamics with your narc and not fall prey emotionally to his tactics. So many have fell for this myself included. Ive gone back after a disengagement thinking i was the one in control and immune to being affected by the games and the lies etc. I think true immunity is being able to walk away bc then you no longer are subjected to it. While with a narcissist i dont think there ever is full immunity to their tactics bc they just know what makes us tick and how to hurt and cause pain. We decieve ourselves into thinking we have more control than we do when going back to them.
    The other was how you took a bad situation and you seen the bigger picture. It wasnt the situation itself but the lesson meant to be learned from it. You didnt remain stuck in it but were free as a result of understanding its purpose in your life. Life is a journey meant to live and learn from and youre embracing that. Your letter i found very motivating 👍

    1. I agree Narc Affair! I believe true immunity from a Narcissistic relationship and abuse is choosing ourselves, our well-being and walking away completely. There is no controlling a Narcissist! I was foolish to think I could. I cannot envision a healthy intimate relationship with a Narcissist and I doubt one is feasible.

      This has been a major life-long journey with a lesson for me. Most of the significant men in my life have been Narcissists. I’m 55 and only learned of NPD last year, after my encounter with this Narc and through HG’s website. Foolish or not, this last entanglement confirmed for me the cyclic nature and dynamics of a relationship with a Narc and the debilitating impact it had on my body, mind and spirit. I don’t ever want to repeat this lesson again! Nor do I want to totally negate my past and my previous relationships with Narcs. There were were some powerful and positive experiences with them that form who I am today. That is now my struggle and next lesson.

  6. Great letter, Kimi. The end is so strong and powerful. I relate so much to your journey. Thank you for sharing.

  7. Brilliant letter Kimi, This is so like my story, It was the tightness in the chest I most relate to, but am healing now with no contact and hg. Thank you so much for sharing !

  8. Kimi, I love your letter! It’s honest and heartfelt and I applaud you for smiling again. That’s what we all need to do again; smile and let the sun back into our lives once more after all the lingering darkness of the past. I feel so much for you when you describe those desperate and pleading text messages you sent that were read and met with silence; mine did the same. I hate silences. I’ll be on watch for that kind of behaviour in the future, punishment by silence and passive aggressiveness will never again be a part of my life. Thank you for sharing your story.

    1. Do they all use the same playbook? I can so relate to those pleading, pathetic messages that were always read yet never answered.

      1. It is more the case that the similar behaviours and comments demonstrate that the individuals are narcissists. It looks like the same playbook is used, but it is actually the other way around.

        For example, rather than regard it as “Isn’t it weird how tigers all have orange, white and black stripes?” it is “The fact that animal has orange, white and black stripes means it is a tiger.”

    2. Thank you Catherine!

      Silence is the highest form of disregard and is so very wounding! Oh, and the passive aggressiveness! At least, we are aware now and I have learned that with awareness comes intolerance! Be well on your journey!

  9. I could barely breathe reading this one! Even if you are knowingly ensnared, armed with knowledge…they will crazy make you at the end of the day. It’s quite a ride and tempting to say the least…but it’s not worth it. The peace of no contact is invaluable. Thank you for this letter.

  10. This is a wonderful letter, Kimi! I enjoyed reading, and the best part was saved for last ‘You are not my future!’ You show so much strength. Bravo to you, and stay on track. Way to go. 🙂

    1. Thank you Sniglet!

      I am, but certainly don’t feel strong yet! I still have the emotional struggles, which are occurring less often. Thank you for your encouragement!

  11. Beautiful. I always wonder about the children who really do not have a parent. They are as absent from the children as tbey are from us. I wonder if they grow up to be narcissists having witnessed this sick behavior. God help the children.

    1. Jah Princess,

      Thank you!

      I think the children of Narcissists must suffer the worst abuse as their reality is distorted from birth, according to their Narcissistic parent and they rarely escape until adulthood. I believe the children can become normals, Empaths or Narcissists but certainly do not survive unscathed!

    2. Being the child of a narcissist is quite an experience. Some children end up being narcissists and others don’t. In my situation, my sibling is the golden child who was always defended and approved of by our mother while I was the scapegoat who was ignored and devalued.

      Both kinds of treatment are destructive and abusive to children because it is manipulation and it “creates” and reinforces a conditioned wiring in their malleable brains from a very young age and it sets the scene for their lives ahead. It begins very early and it’s impossible to understand and resist. The golden child has an easier time in some ways, but is still expected to do and be what the parent wants in order to keep their ‘superior’ status.

      The golden child is more likely to become a narcissist because they start off being manipulated into believing they can do no wrong and I think this leads to them feeling entitled. They become incapable of reflecting on their own bad behaviour which is often excused or ignored. They’re not made to feel remorseful for doing naughty things, unless their behaviour does not align with the parent’s wishes. They also learn to recognise that the scapegoat is “less than”, and they feel that they must be special because they are not treated in the same way. They learn from the parent, either consciously or unconsciously, that doing what the parent wants will afford them better treatment. They also see that manipulation will get them what they want and they continue on in this way through their lives.

      At least, this is what I learned from my experience. I am only now unravelling all of this in my late forties. It seriously impacts a child’s personality and their life ahead.

      I think that there’s also a biological predisposition to having the traits of a narcissist or not. I believe this because I have been exposed to lies and psychological manipulation from a young age, but I’ve never felt that it’s justifiable. I’ve always had a hatred of dishonesty and dominating behaviour. My natural inclination is that I don’t want to stoop to that level even when honesty and compassion is detrimental to my own wellbeing.

      1. JenniferJ

        Thank you for your insight. I have been thinking lately about my ex’s childhood and also my childhood. We were both raised in a home with narcissistic parents although my parent(s) were lower down on the spectrum. Interestingly enough, he ended up with NPD and I ended up with BPD. We share similar “traits” but very very different as well. I have too much empathy where he doesn’t have any etc. I am sure my ex shouted out in glee when I told him I had been diagnosed with BPD. Interestingly enough, it was my BPD that kept me returning to him over and over. Fear of abandonment is very real to me and he took every advantage to use it against me.

  12. Proud of you, Kimi. You’ve learned a lot about yourself through this and will be all the stronger for it… and you’re STILL an empath – and we all know empaths ROCK!

    So it’s win-win, all-around, girl.

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