The Last Word


I often reinforce how the key to understanding who you have been entangled with and therefore maximising your own prospects of moving on is to comprehend that we operate from a different perspective from you. That is why so much of what we say and do appears odd, irrational and downright perverse to you, yet completely normal and understandable to us. One of those ways in which the perspective affects the dynamic between my kind and your kind is the fact that we always want the final word. Now, of course, it may have occurred to you that since we regard the Narcissistic Relationship as one which lasts forever, how can there really be a last word? Once again, this does not matter to us and this highlights the contradictory nature of the way by which we behave. We are the ones in control and we must always exert that state of affairs. Therefore, within the Formal Relationship we want the last word in any discussion or argument. We want the last word when issuing our opinion about something. We want the last word when the Formal Relationship has been brought to conclusion. Indeed, even if you end the Formal Relationship and escape us we will still maintain that we had the last word and we ended it. We will skew the situation to maintain our control and sense of power, irrespective of what might actually have happened. This causes confusion, frustration and astonishment for you, which of course is all good fuel to us.

The need for the last word is also a device which is designed to set us on a collision course with your kind. You also want to have the last word. You want to be able to say your piece. You feel that it is only right that you are heard. You believe it to be a fundamental part of any relationship that you are heard and because you find yourself so annoyed, upset and frustrated with the way that we operate, this desire to have the last word, set us straight and assert your position becomes all the more important to you. If the Formal Relationship has ended, you also want to have the last say. You want to let us know what you really think of us. You want to make some last plea to the normalcy you believe still lurks somewhere inside of us. You want to make us hear you, listen and somehow accept that we are wrong and you are right. This desire of yours to say the last word is considerable and flies in the face of our own desire which of course leads to conflict, drama and opposition, all of which creates fuel which is what we want. You are left infuriated if you cannot have your say. You are furious if you have been denied the chance to articulate how you feel. You are upset that your desire to say what you want to say has been ignored, disregarded and treated in a roughshod manner. You want finality. You want some kind of closure and having the last say as we both stare at one another across the smoking ruins of our Formal Relationship is something which matters to you tremendously. We know this. This is why we make it so damn difficult for you to achieve, either talking over you, shouting you down, walking away or just disappearing. You feel cut-off, denied, unfulfilled and this gives us both Thought Fuel and Proximate Fuel if we stay to witness the reaction.

The need to have the last word also leads to you being susceptible to being hoovered because you feel that there are loose ends which need tying up. We know this and rely on it to keep you hooked and providing fuel to us without ever allowing you to tie up those loose ends correctly. It is all part of the way we continue to manipulate you. No doubt you have found yourself in such a situation. You may now have moved on and know that the last thing you ought to do is engage with us in this way, no matter how tempting it might be. You have learned it will only result in fuel, if handled incorrectly and at worse you might even succumb to our charm once again and be sucked into the Formal Relationship again. Yet the desire to say those things you wish you had been able to say all that time ago or even more recently remains strong and powerful. Of course what you might say now would perhaps differ from what you might have said back then, when you did not know better than what you know now. You did not know what you had been entangled with, nor how you had been manipulated and thus your words would take on a different form compared to if you said them now, armed with knowledge and understanding.

Think back, when the need to say those last words arose, if you could have said them, at the time, what would they have been?

28 thoughts on “The Last Word

  1. Crystal Rossi says:

    I’ll hold these words in my throat and choke on them -I know he knows the last things he said were bait to keep me engaged . Took me long enough to figure out the show I’d become a puppet in…. My desire to not be repeatedly hurt has finally outgrown my need to be heard.

  2. Bubbles🍾 says:

    Dear K,
    Awe…. thank you my lovely.
    Mr Tudor has taught me the “true” meaning of narcissists. My trust, my kindness, my frienship were all violated.
    I’ve taken out the “emotional” equation and now see it as it is, (Mr Tudor has pointed this out “repeatedly” ) meaning….. I’m an old softie and see good in people and want to “fix it” and give people second chances, felt sorry for them …. gone now, no more. Boy, does it open up ones eyes! I will never allow myself to be treated like that, ever again… especially by a “mere male” (or female).

    1. K says:

      My pleasure! Vestiges of the old-softie/second-chance-Bubbles has disappeared and been replaced with the new and improved Empath Bubbles. I hear ya; I will never put up with narc shenanigans ever again. It is time for us to retire.

      1. Bubbles🍾 says:

        Damn straight 😂… gorgeous !
        We are worth more 🤑

  3. Bubbles 🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    But we are females .. we always have the final word … it’s in our DNA… and if necessary, we always add extra if we have to😂

    I had the final word with my narc friend and if dare speaks to me, I will again have the final say, meaning I won’t give him the opportunity to reply.

    I completely understand your point, regarding fuel, hoovering and which type you’re dealing with, however, it also gave me the utmost satisfaction ☺️
    I have no regrets and would say it all again, word for word. (I have the complete text conversation on my phone ) … he’s a pathetic wuss and coward!

    Thankyou as always for your wise advice!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

    2. K says:

      God, I love your persistence Bubbles!

  4. E. B. says:

    I told one of the narcissists on the phone ‘Each of you knows what you have done’. This said in a calm voice and it felt good. I did it when they least expected it because they would not let me speak. I let them know I knew about their betrayal and I held them accountable for their actions. They use to believe I was too blind to see what they had done to me behind my back and that I would never find out.

  5. Jasmine says:

    Catherine said: “I would tell him that he promised to protect me for all time; how could he hurt me so much both emotionally and physically?”

    THIS ^^^

    except he never wanted to hear anything. So it ended with me screaming “GET AWAY FROM ME! ” and “LET ME GO!!!”

  6. ocean says:

    have had enough silent treatments as dlsipss when he is with the ipps

    so i am not responding anymore to any hoovers variety differs

    HG would the ipps get treated to more devaluation OR respite when the N has realised a long term fuel source dlsipss has disengaged entirely ?presuming the N has really no other frequent (weekly) ipss to spend time with….?
    .in the past he contacts me most days txt call to communicate then meet once a week or two weekly depending on work schedules..there would be a three day silent from him most weeks. (which i finally worked out those three days he was with IPPS) him initiating contact with me he and he denied always others eg ipps…
    …just staying no response from me i have learned enough here to see that his pattern is just that …IPPS priority three days a week and most prob other days with her… and me crumbs of future faking all through out

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, the narcissist would turn more to the IPPS and would also look to secondary sources (in existence or recruit additional ones) where the DLS has escaped. He will of course try to hoover the DLS, but in your instance this is not working for him.

  7. ava101 says:

    The exnarc and I used to write on messages forever, because we couldn’t accept that the other one had the last word. 😉

    Now I like to have the last word with mid rangers while they think they can apply the silent treatment and then block them and vanish.

  8. horseyak says:

    Thanks for the great sex and good luck with that complete inability to control your drinking.

  9. JenniferJ says:

    To the narcs who came after matrinarc, my last words would be:
    – Goodbye and good riddance. You will miss me more than I will ever miss you. At the time we needed each other and we both gained something, however, I became stronger and wiser. You are stagnant.

  10. Bekah B says:

    I have said all that I’ll ever need to say to my ex, without us discussing directly he is a narcissist.. We have come to the conclusion he is “different”.. We have discussed what he’s done that’s wrong.. I would not allow him to overpower me in the department of phone or face-to-face conversation because that is MY thing–to talk it out.. So we both have had chances to say what we want to say before he disengaged.. (now I realize I usually went first and he went LAST)..

    However, he has hoovered numerous times and I have used those opportunities to have my say then, as well.. I would return his contact and tell him what was on my mind and in my heart.. But I always felt funny and a bit guilty after doing so, especially if I went on and on, in a rant, or if I yelled.. Now I realize he delighted in this and didn’t stop me because it was all about fuel for him.. And it makes perfect sense for me to have felt so awkward after having my say during these times because I was fueling him, when it really wasn’t my intention to do that..

    I can say/write that now.. But I was completely unaware of the true circumstances of the matter back then.. Nonetheless, I would not change what I said in the times of the past.. I would also not even change HOW I said them, as far as emotion is concerned.. I want my ex to experience the stark contrast of communication he has created in me, from back then to now.. In the past, I wasn’t overly emotional, but I was always upbeat.. I already know that during times of conflict between us when I did not speak in this way, it bothered him.. I have an innate ability to speak “like a scientist”, when the situation calls for it.. My tone is professional and clear, but emotionally flat.. And he hated that.. But that’s what he’ll get from now on, IF I grace him the opportunity to hear my voice.. Otherwise, there will only be rigid emails about our daughter, IF he contacts me first.. I really want him to come to realize he has caused me to become a F.R.E.E.

    1. Catherine says:

      Bekah B,
      It sounds great that you’ve had the opportunity to talk to him at least. That’s the one thing that still lingers on my mind; I would’ve liked to do it, but if I’d done it back then he’d just have drawn me back in again and now it feels like I know better somehow. If I sent him a letter to tell him now what he’s done to me and what’s wrong with him he’d probably be laughing at it; responding that he knew all along that I’m crazy and I need therapy.

      Your scientific, non emotional tone sounds perfect!

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You would have liked to have talked to him, but that is just your emotional thinking. You do not need to talk to him and indeed benefitted from not doing so for a number of reasons, one of which you identify yourself.

      2. Catherine says:

        Yes, you’re right. There would be no use, I do know that now. I would just return to that overly emotional person I was when with him, I don’t want to be her anymore, and he wouldn’t understand anyway. I’d be sneered at even more. No gain at all. Thank you HG.

  11. Catherine says:

    Hm.. it’s difficult having now acquired all this knowledge to think of how the last words without this immense weaponry would’ve been.

    Now they would be about the fact that I know exactly how he’s been manipulating me, how it’s all been about power and control. I would tell him that I never met a person in my life with a greater dislike of drama than him; and still also I’ve never met someone so surrounded by drama. Doesn’t he connect the dots somehow? Doesn’t he understand who’s responsible for the drama? He’s told me so many paranoid stories about him believing his father wasn’t his real father, his son wasn’t his real son and so on. Does he really think everybody lets him down? That lightning strikes 58 times in the same spot? Does he really believe I was unfaithful? Doesn’t he understand that he’s the problem and that everyone but him sees it? I would tell him he has a personality disorder and that nothing he says can get to me anymore.

    But before? I guess I would be pleading to the sanity that I then thought lurked somewhere inside that abyss of his. I would try like I always did for justice, honesty, I’d try to reason with him. I would tell him that he promised to protect me for all time; how could he hurt me so much both emotionally and physically?

    Something like that. And I do realise thanks to you HG that both these last words – now and then – are just a waste of breath. Nothing will ever stick anyway; he won’t be the wiser for it; I won’t feel better for it. I’m creating my very own closure now. I finally learned how to do it on my own and it’s exhilarating. I don’t need him anymore for closure.

    1. Catherine says:

      Ha ha! When I read through what I just wrote both sets of last words would actually be a plea to the sanity he lacks. No use;)

    2. Bekah B says:

      “I would tell him that I never met a person in my life with a greater dislike of drama than him; and still also I’ve never met someone so surrounded by drama. Doesn’t he connect the dots somehow? Doesn’t he understand who’s responsible for the drama?”

      I concur, 100%, Catherine! By now, how can he not be able to recognize he is the cause of the issues and drama he states cannot stand? I mean, when I sit and meditate about this single circumstance, it is just mind boggling and heart wrenching.. How can one be so consumed with falsehood that they literally are blind to the actions they commit and how it causes drama, wreckage, hurt, and pain?? It is honestly sad.. And we are nice and patient people.. We try to reason.. We try to explain and get on their level to present facts and evidence of the things they do and how the outcomes and consequences are directly proportional to those actions.. But when we continuously do this, we tend to get emotional and frustrated because we don’t see a change in them.. And we cannot, for the life of us, understand how someone could be so intentionally hurtful..

      1. Catherine says:

        Bekah B,
        It’s mind boggling, I know, I can’t imagine not thinking about how my actions will affect people around me; living without empathy or conscience, it must be a completely different world to ours. And then, to not be aware of tthe fact that you are the problem. To walk through life devastating others, having in the end to step over ruins of human beings that you’ve wrecked and to say “It has nothing to do with me; I’m their victim”. How can that even occur? How can a defense mechanism be so strong that you’re blinded to reality? I don’t get it.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It is all about perceptions. What you regard as ‘reality’ is your reality based on a perception. Ours is different. Just because more people may share a common ‘reality’ because they have similar perceptions is a process of evolution. Intra-subjective agreement does not equate to an objective truth.

          Our defence mechanism operates in a way which is the most effective for us. The problem for you is that it (a) involves you and also (b) clashes with your perception.

      2. Catherine says:

        Yes HG, that I can accept. Every perception in the world, every belief system and every society rests on the majority of people sharing values in the kind of world these create. Realities will differ, between us all in the end. We are all worlds colliding more or less. And there’s no judgment in living in a different reality; it’s just difficult to grasp, especially in those cases where there can’t ever be any awareness; but judgement rather in imposing that reality on someone else, hurting others. So yes, it involves me.

        Do you feel that our reality is imposed on you? Would you prefer to live in a world where your reality was shared by more people? Because you do need us empaths even if you would prefer not to.

        1. HG Tudor says:


          I regard there as being repeated attempts by the other side to impose their reality on me and this is resisted, countered etc as a consequence of my need for control. I am not concerned about others sharing my reality because I will impose it regardless and in any event they could not accept that differing reality because they are built differently and it would be anathema to them.

      3. Catherine says:

        I see HG. Logically that’s how it works. Thank you for your answer.

  12. Weak moment says:

    Good bye. I never really liked you anyway. I was just going to use you for sex, and turns out, I can get that elsewhere pretty easily. (Block).

  13. Wanda Lee says:

    Very good food for thought. Thanks for sharing!

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