Is He Alone Now?
You have been discarded or perhaps you have succeeded and escaped our grip. You cannot help still but wonder what we are doing, especially if we have discarded you. The thoughts run through your mind repeatedly. What is he doing? Is he thinking of me? Where has he been today? Why have I not heard from him? Why did he do that? What did I do wrong? A thousand and one questions which whirl around in your mind. This is always the case when you have been discarded and even when you made your escape the questions still come thick and fast because so much has not been explained or answered. Furthermore, as an empathic individual you cannot help but wonder what we are up to, what we are thinking and how we feel. It is an automatic response for someone like you and is part of the reason why you remain susceptible to a hoover. Sometimes you may be wondering how we are or how we are managing. You may hope that we are miserable and dejected by losing you. You engage in stalking our social media, driving by where we work or live, have friends ask what we are up to and you will try and contact us direct to try and establish what has happened (where there has been a discard). Whether you escaped or whether you were discarded there are several burning questions on your mind and one of those is; is he with someone else now? You do some snooping and detecting and the answer appears to be, yes, he is alone. There is no sign of a new significant other. There is no mention of a new girlfriend or partner and we have not been spotted with anybody else when we have been sighted around town. We appear to be alone. What does this mean?
If this situation manifests with the Lesser Narcissist, one has to consider the position where there has been escape and where there has been discard. Those factors apply to two scenarios being in play. The first is the Lesser will be engaged in Bouncing. Addressing Bouncing following your escape first of all.
He will have a new primary source but he will not regard her as a girlfriend. She will in all likelihood be an inner or outer circle friend of the Lesser. This is especially likely where you have escaped. With no time available to put in place a replacement who has been cultivated, the Lesser will have erupted and then sought the nearest fuel solace. The easiest way for him to do this, rather than expend energy seducing somebody new and comparatively unknown or even unknown, would be for him to promote this secondary source into a primary. This person will be “comforting” the Lesser after his awful and terrible treatment at your hands. The Lesser however will not make it known that he as a new primary source because he will want to milk sympathy from onlookers and also use this sympathy to enable him to move to another friend who will offer him “comfort”. Very quickly he will move between these two (maybe more) appliances. One weekend the first person will be his primary source but not referred to as a girlfriend or such like. A few days later he will move to a different one. He has no issue with this. He is accountable to nobody. He has no need to announce the relationship since keeping it quiet affords him more opportunities for fuel.
In terms of Bouncing where there has been a discard, this happens where the Lesser is not completely satisfied that the primary source he was cultivating is embedded as he would like. You may well have been discarded because you failed to provide fuel and this failure is dramatic and took place before your replacement has been properly embedded. Accordingly, the Lesser will be hedging his bets by going between two potential primary sources, alternating between them until he decides which is best and which is embedded. Then he will make the announcements, but until that point he gives the appearance of being alone.
The second scenario concerns Keeping It in the Family. This is often applicable to the Victim Narcissist. If you have escaped the Lesser, he may promote a family member to be primary source rather than promote an inner circle friend to an intimate partner. He turns to his mother or sister, wailing of his misfortune and how terribly he has been treated. He may move back to the childhood home and this is where he gains his fuel, all of the sympathetic mothering fuel. Hence he appears to have no intimate partner because there is not one. Even if there has been a discard, the Lesser may decide to Keep It in the Family by playing on his woes as he continues to cultivate quietly a prospective primary source.
With the Mid-Range when he appears to have no intimate partner and appears to be on his own, it is not the case. He will have a new intimate partner as a primary source but he does not want you to know about her. Not yet. This is applicable when there is both discard and escape. The Mid-Range, being the most passive-aggressive of the schools of narcissist may not have embedded his prospective primary source with the confidence he would prefer (especially if you escaped) and therefore lacking the raw aggression of the Lesser and the swaggering confidence of the Greater, he keeps a low profile until he is confident that there is a successful attachment. He does not want you knowing about this primary source for fear you may interfere and mess up this much needed source of fuel. It is only when he is confident that the attachment has been secured that he will engage in Relationship Bulletins and the like.
Turning to the Greater. Of all the schools of narcissism, the Greater is able to function for longer without a primary source than the Lesser or Mid-Range. This is because he has extensive secondary sources to whom he can turn. Thus his extensive social circle, loyal Lieutenants, devoted family and admirers who are jostling for position to be chosen as the new primary source will provide him with enough fuel to allow him to function. He will not be at the top of his game and would much prefer to have a primary source in place, but if you escaped and you have pushed the narcissist into Chaos Mode, he will be working to secure that primary source behind the scenes but is content to show that he “does not need anybody” in the meanwhile. Although the reality is he will be clamoring to find a new primary source, he does not want you thinking that. He will want you to think he remains aloof, self-sufficient and not making a bee-line for anybody who will have him. He can be choosier than that. He has standards. This is the appearance he wishes to project and to a degree it is true, but he cannot remain choosy for long, the demands of fuel are ever present and those secondary sources will only sustain him for so long.
The bottom line is that a primary source is always needed by the Lesser and the Mid-Range, more or less immediately following escape or discard, because of the demands of fuel. It is only an appearance as to why the Lesser or Mid-Range seems single (save when he Keeps It in the Family). The Greater needs the primary source soon, but he can last for longer without one and will revel in demonstrating that to you by saying “I don’t need you or anybody in fact, I am my own man.” It is of course an artifice. The Greater needs his primary source just as much, he is just fortunate because of his grandiosity, magnetism and charm he has far more secondary sources to turn to.
35 thoughts on “Is He Alone Now?”
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This is my Lie list. I read this when I miss the narcissist, start entertaining thoughts about wanting him to hoover me, become sexually aroused by thoughts of him….or simply wonder what he is doing.
The title words trigger negative emotions and then cold logic kicks in. It forces me to move on. The last four quotes are mine from when I was leaving and “The Emotional Sea” comes flooding back. These are things I can’t idealize. HG’s quote is a reminder to not take their behavior so personally and helps me maintain some compassion for them which is useful in dealing with anger.
Empaths find what triggers you and write it down, or record your own voice. Your triggers teach you things and can be used to help you reflect on how the narcissist really made you feel in the end.
EASTER lie
VACATION lie
LOVE lie
SPY lie
KEY lie
WORK lie
“I only ever wanted to be loved and no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried it was denied to me” HG Tudor
“A narcissists self-esteem is like the mercury in an outdoor thermometer: it goes up when it is hot outside and down when it gets cooler. The mercury has no ability to move itself, it simply reacts to external conditions” Meredith Miller
“Your thinking is disordered and is designed to cause harm to your own mind and the minds of the people around you.”
“I’ll listen to you when you start saying something that’s not complete 🐎💩.”
“My fucking ears are bleeding from all of your apologies.”
“Your indifference is repulsive to me.”
I would also say…that as time goes by, things do get better, but there are various stages when going through the No-Contact process
As time has progressed I am more able to feel the devastation he reaped on my soul.
When first going No-Contact my mind was just trying to make sense of the chaos.
Once the quiet set in, the real mourning began, and that’s for the pain I feel for the self.
Although hurtful and sad, I know I am down the road, and on my way…to getting better.
Stay strong on the No-Contact, it’s the only way to survive.
“yet” … ;D
Please tell me this gets better. I feel physically sick when I see how happy he looks with his new love. Just 6 weeks ago, we were a couple. And now, its like I never existed. I am emotionally drained and can barely function. Why do i still want him back after all this? Its killing me to know he is so madly in love with someone else. I feel like I will never heal from this and he just goes on with life. I truly never meant anything to him. I’m dying inside with that realization. I desperately want to contact him.
Hello Heartbroken,
There are expansive answers to some of your questions. Read here and consider a consultation and you will get the answers you need to achieve progress. In brief :-
1. You have been deleted by him, that is what we do and that is why you feel like you no longer exist.
2. You want to go back because you are addicted to the narcissist and your emotional thinking has control of you and wants you to feed your addiction.
3. He appears to be madly in love with someone else, but he is not.
4. Indeed, that feeling is also part of the manipulation to mean you remain vulnerable to us so we can hoover you later, if we choose. We get on with life because we are built differently to you.
5. That is important that you realise that you never meant anything to him (other than that you were an appliance to him to fulfil his needs.)
6. Understandable, but you do not need to.
Hang in there Heartbroken. While everyone’s pain is unique, most of us have been there and have an understanding of this despair that rips through your heart. Please know that it does get better. It is never easy, but your heart can and will heal.
I just found out that my narcissist has been reaching out to an ex from over twenty years ago, one he has contacted on-off throughout. He usually spoke horribly of her, calling out her attention-seeking, pretentious, money-grubbing, fake ways. In this case, there’s a lot of truth there as I know of her through other means. The years haven’t exactly been kind to her either, but he supposedly told her recently that she is beautiful, expressing regret that they never made it. Then, he called her a whore the very next day. (She’s has that reputation since high-school. Well-deserved, but still.)
If you can ever get inside information, it’s easy to see that their interactions with others are often not as they seem. To me, this just shows how desperate he has become. I guess the supply is running dry? Try to think of yours in the same way… just a desperate soul grasping onto whatever he can find.
They like to make it seem as if they are happy… thrilled with whatever new babe they have hanging onto their arm, but listen to HG here.
I remember how harsh HG’s words first felt, but they are the closest to reality that you will find. Please listen to him and realize that you are worth so much more.
I escaped my narcissist after he finally revealed his multiple gross transgressions. He tried to get me back, but once he realized it would never be the same, he went silent. In my experience, during his silence is when he would search for whatever he could find. He likes to brag about being selective, but not all of his choices support his claim.
He’d still check in to invite me over, though, just to see if I’d take the bait… because as everyone will tell you, they can’t be without. They don’t have the same contentment and self-fulfilling abilities that we have. It’s very sad, Heartbroken. But once you realize and accept what he truly is, it will help tremendously. Not that I still don’t struggle everyday, but it does get easier. I promise.
I’d bet your narcissist is no where close to being madly in love… mad maybe, but not in love. Please do not let it seem as if he has found something better. Do not let yourself fall into the trap of self-doubt. Whatever he is doing won’t last. But please know that you will. And you will become wiser and stronger from it. Just don’t give up on your healing, Heartbroken. Know that here… you are not alone.
Hello heartbroken!
I’m living the whole process and i am at the same stage as you.
I’m in the after having been left.
Watching him changing his entire ‘surface’ declaring he has changed, that he’s now ok with his life.
As the same as you, i find it VERY hard thinking him so happy with another woman after having been so abusive towards me and our children…
I think that another reason why he is pretending to love her so much and that he now ‘ is a new man’, is he wants to show to all others trat the problem in the relationship was me and not him!
Me and only me!
I also think that if he behaved in such a respectless, humiliating and abusive way, it depended on what he is and not on me!
No man can ever change untill he does not recognise he has a problem.
I perfectly understand your frustration, your sensation to be wrong and worthless.
It’s a trick of your mind and your NARC
exactely wants you to remain into this idea in order to control you.
Remember he only wants to feel the power over you.
Work on yourself to find a little bit of strengh. Enough to play not his GAME!
I know it’s hard. Addiction to him makes you feel you can no longer live without him. That it’s the end of the world.
IT’S NOT!
And yes, you will live and love again!
I have to repeat it to myself too!
I WILL LIVE AND LOVE AGAIN….
❤️
What you say is accurate, Dandelion. And as you indicated, we must keep reminding ourselves of what we are dealing with… and that they certainly haven’t earned our trust! (I hope that Heartbroken will remember that when he tries to pop back in once what’s shiny and new has lost her sheen.) Mine is still trying to keep the door open for a return.
He went to therapy as I had requested, but he chose a female therapist despite my recommending he find a male. So of course, I always wondered if he tried to bed her too? It is as if they can’t control themselves.
But I still desire to believe that they can change… but not enough to trust him again. He’s proven that he’s back to his old tricks. I guess it’s all the dog knows?
But you are wise, Dandelion, to see how they try to manipulate us with their other women. Mine still denies having moved on to another, but he would often find ways of letting me know of the ones that “want” him… you know… if only he were interested.
Pah-leeze… I bet he’s trolling the streets like a kid in a candy shop, just hoping to get a taste of something sweet. But the older he gets, I hope he has to endure a little sour before finding someone of value. As more and more women work out his true ways, surely his supply isn’t what it used to be? But I know that there will always be someone new who thinks he wonderful… until they realize he’s not.
But as much as it hurts, doesn’t it feel good to finally see through their bullshit?
Best wishes to you, Dandelion, as you continue to heal, to live and to love again.
Heartbroken it will get better. The grief is hellish. Recognize it. Feel it. Cry it out. Don’t try to ignore it or be hard on yourself for being in pain. This is the origin of self love. Recognize and validate how u feel.
HG’s videos are invaluable as far as helping me maintain no contact. I am addicted to listening to him bc it reminds me of the cold hard truth. We weren’t loved, the new girl isn’t loved, the children aren’t loved…they don’t love themselves. Atleast you know and are way ahead of the game. They have no room for any positive feelings about you.
Tomorrow I am no contact 3 months with my captivating MMR. I made a list off all of the lies he told me and I read the list when I miss him. This helps me stay away. Find what works for you and listen to HG. He sugar coats nothing. If you need empowerment listen to the empath videos. They will give u strength, it’s a reminder that you are the gift, they knew it and hated you for it. You are the strong one.
Hi HG. I found your blog a couple of weeks ago. My experience is… or was as the DLS but kind of confusing for moments when I received lots of attention. I met my narc 1,5 year ago incidentally on party. We were both on a bussines travel and ended talkin all night long and into the bed. He lives in another country, really far away and at the time we were both in a formal long term relationship. I though that I would never hear from him again but, when he returned to his country he texted me and started with the love bombing. Pretty intense but amazing. He is for me super attractive in many ways. In a month he was here again visiting me. Was like too good to be true. A dream.
But I noticed something odd, he began to disappear for 4 days. Like a clock never more than 4 days. I googled something related to his behavior and i found about NPD. So I knew. But I keep my relationship (secret) with him. He came over more times. Long story short. I left my boyfr and his girlfriend left him.
He became depressed and told me He wasn’t feeling good. And then one day he never wrote again . 1,5 year and he just disappeared. Now 3 weeks not one word. I’m pretty sure he is love bombing someone new.
HG
i went no contact but he knows where i live.. he turned out today crying and wailing.. so i “preached” at him again… but i know it is all in vain..
Actually now i feel sick when i see him … so maybe this is what is going to help me stay away all together, eventually.
He think that it is still manipulating me… but is not.
I swear i could smell the scent of a rotting woman coming from his breath.. i am starting to loathe him .
HG
he shelved me 3 years ago… now i do not want to fight for him anymore… he can sense it… why he will not live me alone and stay with his carcasses???
Because you belong to him and you have things that he wants and needs.
Should he turn up where you live, do not engage with him, do not answer the door. We may be brilliant but we cannot walk through walls yet. Therefore let him cry and wail outside and after ten minutes if he has not gone because you have not engaged, call the police and have him removed.
By engaging with him you will have given him fuel, his hoover has been successful and thus he is more likely to hoover again.
Thank you HG
I am ready to move on .. but i must admit that his grandiose hoovers are very powerful and provocative, always too tempting to at least have a “good preach” at him .. where, next, i will be back into his game.
I am so ill…
😢
I have no clue whatsoever about what my ex is doing or if he’s seeing someone else. It feels good not even to know. He’s blocked and we don’t have any friends in common so news don’t even have to reach me. I hope though that he’s not destroying some else’s life; which he probably is.
Same here Catherine. No contact, no peeking! It’s helping me feel better..a relief, I can relax a little bit more, day by day. It’s good ❤
The peaking is deadly…it will erode all resolve.
The no peeking is probably #1 for the formula for success.
I would go No-Contact…but look under my friends FB login to see what he was doing.. Pathetic.
Catherine, consider yourself fortunate that you can’t know even if you wanted to. Get out emotionally while you have this opportunity.
Yep. I did that too. Also had to stop talking to anyone that talked about him too. 😞 Oh… that’s pitiful… I’m at ground ZERO! lol.
Anyone wanna be my friend? 🤣
Jasmine and H,
Yes, I do consider myself fortunate in that respect. He was always so jealous and wanted me to himself most of the time so we didn’t spend much time with my friends or his friends. I only know his friends vaguely from seeing them once in a while, but they’re not my friends. I’m thankful right now for that. I just needed to block him and then there’s no way of knowing what he’s up to. It must be much more difficult to erase the narc when you have friends in common.. Hugs to both of you!
Thank you Catherine ❤ I do still have friends and family (pre-narc) but most people know what I’ve been through and can’t help but ask. Since he lived here for a bit, some know him personally too. “Ever presence” is aptly named.
I felt confused about his fidelity for the whole lengh of our 20-year-old marriage.
I now understand that all i percieved as true WAS ACTUALLY TRUE!!
After he left home three yars ago, we made love together and shared experiences and ideas in an affectionated way.
I really thought he needed some time to become more serene, stop fighting, understand what he wanted, appreciate his family (our children and me) with a more relaxed attitude.
I needed the same things too so i was patient, hopefull, caring and comprehensive.
In one week he changed his behaviour with me and questioning about this he finally admitted he was dating a woman.
That he didn’t love him yet but that he was working on it!
He aldo admitted that he had several women even before this last one.
That he made love to theme and that he wondered why i still was expecting something from him.
I now know he always cheated on other women during our marriage.
I was gaslighted in order to doubt of myself and my own gut.
After separation he was only looking for a new worthy source of supply.
And After having going it, he completely discarded me withot a second thought.
To feel better i try to consider myself as a widow.
He’s not dead, but inside of me i have to imagine that the man i thought he was, never existed.
I don’t know if i will ever be able to love again. Actually i think it would be a mistake trying to susbstituye him with another man.
I think i need time. To heal, to understand what i’ve been through. To accept il all…
My ex is posting pics with his new love on Facebook. Its only been 6 weeks. He claims he was devastated by our breakup. So how did he move on so quickly. I’m still heartbroken. I ended it with the hope he would realise what he was about to lose. He didnt care even though he claimed to love me. And now it as if i never existed. And she is so pretty so he must be over the moon. I’m devastated.
Keep reading here and you will find the answers to those questions.
Facebook is a favorite hunting ground for fuel. Mine was always engaging secondary sources from there. Run while you can…he will be back, and it will only get worse. This is an opportunity, take it while you can.
OMG HG! You’ve just confirmed what I’ve long suspected! Ex narc husband was doing such things as you described but was discombobulated from my filling the divorce papers first, something he never thought me capable of due to my ‘nature’. He frantically reached out to any fuel sources, first feigning serious illnesses that required hospital stays and treatment because he’d erroneously thought he had more time to secure a new IPPS before filling on me, using new IPPS to triangulate. With my filling date documented and evident, ie pre any of his preplanned Hoover, he then frantically went out on dating sites, searching for ‘the one’. New IPPS in medical profession wanted a baby (for many reasons, one being she was on in years and two being it would be a miracle by medical journal standards) became pregnant in first week of dating. Now he had to live up to his position of being the victim of horrible me and saving face by being loyal to sad medical drama miracle. Win for me as he left me alone, but I always knew he got snared at a time he was just trying to sort out his next landing pad. I was lucky the circumstances were such in that he had to save face but staying committed to new IPSS and child to save face.
HG I know he targeted her and maybe purposely impregnated her as you’ve written about. I meant I always sensed his desired timetable/agenda seemed to have been frantically pushed up to supersonic speeds because he was caught off guard at my filing. He seemed to be in a tailspin. I think he thought he could take his time filing and interviewing new IPSSs while stringing me along and giving me hope he’d move back. Naturally her golden period ended sooner with the pregnancy as now she was stuck. But he was stuck too because he could not tell everyone how horrible I was by and then do something horrible to her. It was a benefit for me as I wasn’t getting toyed with on his agenda, but very unfortunate for her. Plus it felt good to file first and catch him off guard when he didn’t see it coming. But I wasn’t doing it for revenge. I did it for me. I escaped.
Do you imagine a narcissist who after the discard says I don’t love you/I didn’t love you? I have read about it on different forum and it sounds strange to me, aa far as I know narcissist like to keep his toy in the fog and even if he discards you now, you may be useful in the future so what would be a purpose of telling the victim something like that? I think that narcs wants the victim to have a hope for reunion?
Yes Agnes, happened to me. He said he only married me because he was out of a job. This may have been because I filed for divorced without him knowing, looked him in the eye and acted polite when he’d come around with the benign hoover, then when my locks could be changed, after he had moved all of his items out of the house, I served him. He physically ran from the process servers. He was so sure he knew me so well, that I would never file for divorce, and if I was planning on doing so, surely I would let him know that etc. etc. What can I say? I learned from the master. I think when he realized I had secured a lawyer and filed a month prior to him being served, holding that information close to the vest, he was spitting nails. So, his reply was just like a child’s: “Well, I was going to file after I settled down into my new place (narc speak for ‘after I secured new IPSS’), and besides, I never loved you anyway and only married you because I had lost my job.”
My ex actually told me worse. Never loved me – never even liked me. He hoped I died, told me to rot in hell, called me every name in the book. Then days later begged me to just talk to him one last time so he could have closure… I fell for it and he went on about how he had loved me since he first saw me 32 years ago and he had never really loved anyone but me. When I brought up the horrible things he had said, he claimed he never meant it, that he was just really angry with me and he was “in a rage.” Of course the pendulum would swing back and forth. When I was painted black, I was a horrible bitch who didn’t deserve to live and he was just using me for sex. When I was painted white, no one ever made his heart flutter the way I do… Just their way of keeping people off balance, I think… which one is the “real” feeling? both?
They are real in the sense you experienced them and the narcissist intended to be the way at that time, you did not imagine them, but neither are genuine. It is the product of being expedient.
Mine is acting VERY weird! He had one – made my Christmas hell…. started hoovering before Christmas- then disengaged (while I was ranting and supernovaing in the crazy way). Then started hoovering again- I did see him just to gather evidence from one his homes– I had to leave town and spend three days with him. A little evidence another woman had been there but nothing great- only calls from his ex-wife (he even showed me his phone) Now, he has left for the states and I assumed I would not hear from him for weeks at least– and he is still blowing up my phone. I did block him on my cell so I would not be checking to see if he called….. he was miserable when I saw him– I ‘think’ maybe his new source actually dumped him during the Christmas ‘parade’………Actually I do not care– I set up my real SuperNova- placed the landmines—- and I really do not even want to be around to find out when and how and if they blow up! I am happy with what I have done- and never wish to speak with him again! I am returning to my ‘real’ self- happy, peaceful, sleeping, getting my glow back……He is 70 and obviously will never change — and has enough money he can continue to lure women in with it! He can now find another and leave me alone!
Mine never showed or displayed a new primary source after both of my discards and I was told he had nobody else by other sources and now I left him no idea if he has someone new wonder if this means he’s a greater
How long were you entangled?
Since early December 2015 till I left him Feb 2 so just over 2 years and a month not including the two times he left me
Good luck with your No-Contact….stay strong.
my ex, who is a upper mid ranger, can live off of multiple secondary sources for a long time before he claims a primary. its kind of gross. he will appear Single and alone, but he is really just checking in with everyone he has ever slept with.