The Five Hatreds of the Narcissist

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The loss of our precious fuel weakens us. Criticism, when delivered in an emotion-free fashion wounds us and we need fuel to recover from such injurious criticism. If that fuel is not available or is reduced then we are placed in a perilous state which causes panic,chaos and a frenzied reaction to avoid this. Many things may send us to this place, a place which I call The Precipice. Here are five things we hate as they will start the slide towards The Precipice.

  1. Not Being Invited

 

Our massive sense of entitlement means that we should always be invited to events. Whether it is a birthday, retirement party, wedding or graduation we should be invited to attend. How can the host not want us there? We are the star of the show, the main attraction, the reason to be there. People are not there for the birthday boy, they want to see us. They are not really bothered about the happy couple, they prefer to be entertained by us and our tales of achievement or for us to exhibit our superlative dance steps during the reception. An event is not an event without us in attendance. We are the archetypal life and soul of the party. Fireworks fly when we appear, stardust is thrown liberally around and we turn the volume up to eleven. We cannot comprehend why we should not be invited when we bring so much to the party. This deprives us of a huge opportunity to extract fuel from so many people when emotion will be electrifying the air. It is akin to shooting a fish in the barrel and we have not been invited. This not only takes away a golden chance to consume fuel but it also suggests that we are not wanted, that somehow we do not pass muster to attend this event. That is nonsensical and as such is a massive criticism to us. How dare they not invite us? It is our right to be there. That is our audience, our crown, our delighted guests, not somebody else’s. We hate not being invited. So that’s why we will turn up anyway and act as if we were first on the guest list.

  1. Coming Second

We are born winners, pioneers, leaders and champions. Number one is all that matters. That is where the adoration is directed. That is why the winner’s podium is higher than the other two. That is why the winner gets the jackpot, the applause, the admiration and the plaudits. They all belong to us. We are destined to win and being the champion is our rightful place. Nobody wants silver. Who wants to be the runner-up? That means failure. That means somebody else has bettered you. That means someone else is going to get all the attention. Second is pointless. Second is redundant. I don’t want commiseration and empty praise for having come so close, I want to win. If I am second then I am regarded as inferior, not of the elevated state I know I am but that I need others to accept and reinforce. Coming second encapsulates all that is associated with the outcome which makes you who you are and is not something that should ever be rightfully associated with me. I hate to come second. I want to win. At everything and all the time, from being first in the queue, first to be served, the biggest biller, the biggest seller, the one with the best car, the one people always greet first, the one who wins the argument and I will do all of this at any cost to you and in any twisted and convoluted way which avoids the horror of being second.

  1. The Spotlight Shining Elsewhere

 

Why are you listening to him and not me? He is an idiot and he knows nothing. Listen to me. I am far more interesting. Anything he has done I have done already and then some more as well. He has a forehead? Yes well have you seen my five head? Don’t pay attention to other people, pay attention to me. The spotlight has to be on me all the time. I live my life as if I am starring in a movie with my personal soundtrack echoing in my ears as I move through my day. From the moment I rise from my bed all eyes need to be on me, watching me, admiring me and giving me attention. No matter what I am doing it needs to be seen by someone and the more people the better as their viewing is accompanied by their praise, admiration, hatred or anger. It does not matter what the emotion is that accompanies their attention so long as it is on me. Send that attention elsewhere and I am being told I am not important and even worse, someone else is more important than me. That is not right. That cannot be the case. How can you think that that person is more entertaining, better looking, more captivating than me? Train the spotlight elsewhere and you are telling me I am not good enough and I know I am. Aren’t I?

  1. Not Given Recognition

 

My arrival anywhere should be accompanied by a fanfare. I should be announced wherever I go. People should bow in acceptance of my greatness, kow-tow to my gravitas, salute, kiss my hand, go down on their knees and do whatever else is required to exhibit subservience to me. I must be given due accord because do you know who I am? I must always be mentioned in dispatches. I must always be referred to during a meeting. I must be pointed out, identified and highlighted in keeping with my superior status. I cannot stand it when I am not given my right to be recognised. I have that as a God-given right and you had better comply with your obligation to recognise me and all my amazing achievements.

  1. Being Alone For Too Long

 

People often think that my kind hate to be alone. That is not quite accurate. We can be content to be alone for a period of time when we are receiving significant fuel. There is always room, of course, for more fuel, but when we have received copious amounts then we are content to be left alone so we can revel in our own manufactured glory and turn our mind to our next conquest. This alone time allows us to plot, scheme and plan. When I mean alone, I mean away from people physically but also not in contact with them through technology. Complete isolation. If we have taken on board enough fuel we can endure it for a time. Therein lies the important part. For a time.

If we are left alone for too long and the effect of the fuel diminishes then we become restless, then anxious and then thrown into the panic as we edge towards The Precipice. Being left alone for too long means that people must not be interested in us anymore otherwise why are we alone? They do not want to contact us, interact with us, pour their praise towards us, make us feel wanted, hated, loved or adored. Their interest must be elsewhere if we have been left alone for too long and this is not something we can stand. We are being ignored, ostracised and excluded. We need people. We need attention. We need you. Please. Did you hear me? I said we need you. Open the door and let me out now. I need attention, any attention, from someone it does not matter who, just don’t leave me alone for too long.

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14 thoughts on “The Five Hatreds of the Narcissist”

  1. HG, you said if a narc is sufficiently fueled, he can be alone longer- how does he get different levels of fuel? How’s he get enough fuel to get through a weekend?

  2. Hi, HG. Can a Narcissist be a loner type? Which cadre and / or school? I have not seen any reference to people like this in any of your work. Thank you!

  3. HG,

    What would happen if you actually reached the “precipice” … or even went beyond it, assuming you couldn’t get any fuel at all?

      1. That’s intriguing, thanks for your answer HG and for being open about your inner thoughts.

        When I google the meaning of “oblivion”, the result is:
        “the state of being unaware or unconscious of what is happening around one. Synonyms: unconsciousness, insensibility, stupor, stupefaction, senselessness, blankness, darkness.”

        It sounds like a kind of mindlessness or inner death, and makes me feel that you lack an inner world without the input or acknowledgement of “external” life-forms.

        I’m sorry to be so curious and analytical about your inner feelings and I don’t mean to be intrusive, but are you able to tell yourself that those feelings of oblivion are not real when you feel them. Do you have any inner self-talk to try and stop the feeling of oblivion?

  4. HG, when you feel jealousy is it always meted out with heated fury?
    Can you recognize that it is jealousy and not entitlement?
    Or are they the same for you ?

  5. Yes, always #2, he must be at the top in his career and he puts in the hours and effort to ensure this. There is no room for mediocrisy.

    In athletic competitions, if he doesn’t come first in his age group, there is no mention of it. When he does come first, he makes sure to announce to everyone. Again there is always enormous effort put forth.

    And the last one, is also how I am. Although the attention I seek must come from an IP not just anyone. Without it, I feel lost, depressed and so needy.

  6. Hi Mr Tudor, thanks for this very interesting post. Saw all of these and the effect in my ex. May I ask you, I’m intrigued by The Precipice., could you please explain, describe more what this awful, chasmic, dark place is? How it is for your kind.thanks, regards, Narcs don’t bore me anymore.

  7. I’m still amazed at how well you can see your needs.
    I’m touched by how brave it is to own it… out loud.
    And I’m impressed at how well you can articulate these requirements… these human needs.
    You speak of what we all desire. Narcissists just need a bigger dose.

  8. I can relate to the last one. I think coming from codependancy maybe thats why.
    Narcissists are codependant. They need people and are uncomfortable in their own skin without the build up of the facade thru praise and attention. You need an audience for an act.

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