You Should

YOU SHOULD

What is the prevailing mind-set of the Mid Range Narcissist? What is going through the mind of the member of the largest school of narcissism when an appliance has been treacherous and disloyal? Does he manifest the malice that is exhibited by the Greater school or is his response different? What is he thinking when there is treason committed in the Kingdom of Mid-Range? Whether the appliance has escaped him, exposed him, challenged him or some other capital crime against the nation-state of narcissism, the Mid-Ranger’s mind goes into overdrive. This is a glimpse inside to understand what he or she believes.

You should not have done that to me. You should be thankful for who I am. You should be giving thanks to whichever god you follow that you have someone like me in your life, someone who cares, someone who is considerate, someone who only wants the best for you. You should be ashamed of the way you have treated me. You should apologise this instant. You should say sorry to me for the way you have behaved. You should treat others the way you want to be treated and not going around behaving like you are something special. You should realise I am something special and you keep treating me terribly. You should understand that I am a good, honest and decent person and not everybody would put up with your hysterical outbursts. You should know how hard it is to love somebody like you, but I do. You should be grateful for that.

You should know who you are messing with. You should be wary of getting on the wrong side of me you know. You should make sure you keep me happy because you will not like me when I am not happy. You should be looking out for me and not gadding around after other people. You should learn what your priorities are. You should spend more time with me. You should know when to leave me alone. You should be here and doing what I want. You should try giving for once rather than doing all of this taking.

You should be more aware of the way that you treat people and especially me. You should think more about how your actions impact on me. You should take my feelings into account and stop being so selfish. You should realise just what you do hurts me. You should understand that the things you say and do to me have consequences. You should stop making it all about you and let me have a say from time to time. You should stop being so obsessed with your friends’ lives and think about our lives together. You should spend less time with your family, they do not appreciate you in the way I do.

You should stop telling lies about me. You should get your own house in order before you start telling me how I should lead my life. You shouldn’t live in a glass house you know and throw stones. You should stop being such a nasty person to someone who has only ever been good to you. You should stop smearing my name to other people. You should take a look in the mirror. You should take a good look in the mirror actually.

You should stop putting me down. You should do what I want for a change. You should come back and apologise, I am a reasonable person and you should recognise that. You should make things right again because after all this is all your fault. You should stop fighting with me, I do not know why you have to do this. You should stop trying to tie me in knots. You should be more considerate. You should think about me more. You should sort this mess out because you are the only one who has caused it.

You should see how hard I have been trying for us. You should recognise a good person when you see one. You should know I have made the changes you demanded but you should be making some of your own as well. You should realise just how much I have tried for you and me.

You should know what other people say about you. You should realise that I put up with people saying bad things about you and you should be grateful I defend you to them, but I won’t keep doing it forever. You should realise you are not as popular as you think you are. You should be aware that I am a popular person and you won’t come out of this looking good at all.

You shouldn’t treat me like this. You shouldn’t destroy what I have built. You should recognise a good person, an honest person, a truthful person like me. You should learn just what you have lost by behaving like this. You should see just how many people hold me in high regard. You should be so happy to have someone like me, someone who people think well of and they do, just ask anybody and they will tell you. You should take the time to realise that I am a good person and consider what you are doing to me, to us, to what we have.

You should stop hurting me. You should stop getting a kick out of this horrible treatment of me. You should stop being mean to someone who loves you. You should help me. You should love me more. You should show me that you mean it. You should stop with the pretence. You should be genuine like me. You should stop playing the games. You should be the person that would make your grandmother proud. You should be the best person you can be for me.

You should get some help. You should see someone. You should go to therapy. You should sort these problems out. You should stop blaming me. You should stop projecting your problems and insecurities on to me. You should stop the game-playing, I am cleverer than you so I see straight through it. You should tell the truth for once You should stop making up stories about me. You should reflect on what you do. You should get some insight into what you are actually doing. You should shut up and listen to me for once. You should go and see the doctor. You should take your medication. You should stop being such a borderline. You should stop being such an attention-seeker. You should stop dodging the issue. You should address your issues.

You should let me speak. You should give me a chance to make things right again. You should come back because you owe me. You should let me show you what I can do. You should understand sometimes I don’t know what comes over me. You should make allowances for my behaviour because you are worse. You should not focus on the handful of supposedly bad things I do when I do way more good things. You should listen to why I do those things because if you did you would realise there is always a very good reason behind it. You should understand I have to disappear once in a while because your behaviour becomes too much. You should understand I am not sulking, I am just being quiet. You should accept I have to tell people about the way you behave because otherwise I would go mental. You should think about the names I call you and realise I am actually trying to help you because otherwise you will not listen. You should stop trying to blame me for everything that goes wrong and instead be grateful for what I do for you.

You should give it a rest now because you are giving me a headache. You should go and let me rest because I have been working hard all day. You should rub my back. You should make me something to eat. You should be there when I come home. You should stay out of my way when I am fed up of you. You should ask me how I am and not keep telling me about what you want. You should stop telling me how I should behave. You should see what I have to deal with. You should try being me. You should understand how much pain I am in from my back and not complain about your own supposed ailments. You should show some consideration for me now and again. You should get off your high horse. You should give it a rest. You should try walking in my shoes. You should try being me for a day. You should look at it from my point of view. You should make allowances. You should be more tolerant.

You should do it because you want to. You should do it for us. You should have more faith. You should have more discipline. You should have more resolve. You should let me in. You should keep out. You should learn when to speak. You should learn when to stay quiet. You should be seen and not heard. You should follow me. You should watch what I do . You should learn from an expert. You should stick with me. You should be mine. You should stay away from him. You should not speak to them. You should know what is best for you. You should know home is where the heart is. You should know where you bread is buttered. You should know how lucky you are to have me.

You should come back.

You should because I say so.

You just should.

42 thoughts on “You Should

  1. KRG says:

    I was wondering if any of you ladies have been face to face at a major networking event or any event with your ex-Narc and that lead to public humiliation of any kind.

    I have a major event to attend tonight and just got to know that he will be there. I can’t skip it, I have been waiting for this event since a while.
    I don’t know how to avoid being targeted by him.
    He has been hoovering since the past few days.
    Using my business website and friends to feign his false remorse and what not.
    He is an Upper Midrange Narcissist.
    Do you think he will use this event to humiliate me for escaping the relationship?
    I ended the relationship in October last year and he left me alone by the end of December.
    Now he’s again trying to contact me.

    I am getting paranoid thinking he will create a scene there.

  2. Kate says:

    This whiny little bitch Mid-Ranger should stop being such a miserable nag! Ugggg!

  3. Julie says:

    Almost verbatim, everything he’s ever said to me. I’m not surprised. He’s losing it because I’ve been ignoring him.

    The very last time I talked to him I told him; “You don’t get a second chance. When I’m done, I’m done. And you made damn sure I was done. Good job!”

    He then threw a massive hissy fit. It was glorious to observe. He still tries, I delete/block everything. I’ve moved on.

    He has called from new numbers, emailed from junk accounts. He’s quite persistent. But I can out-stubborn a mule. When I’ve made up my mind, I don’t go back.

  4. JenniferJ says:

    All of these “shoulds” describe my Mum. Although she said them in a very discrete way, mixed in with love-bombing and pity plays.

    She has a way of doing something nice for you, then speaking about herself in ways that make her sound vulnerable or fragile, then seeking your sympathy/assistance/support. It’s all done very gradually and without being obvious. If you obey her requests, she will soon have you acting as her lackey. If you show resistance to her requests, she pulls out the “shoulds” along with invalidation. This was a constant while I was growing up. It produced a fog of guilt and powerlessness that’s still hard to shake off even now.

    The funny thing is that when you grow up with this kind of subtle behaviour from a parent, it seems to be ‘normal’. Sometimes I even adopted the behaviours myself if I thought they’d help in certain situations. However, the difference was that I never purposely wanted to manipulate or ‘lie’ to anyone or have them under my thumb. It was more like a learned behaviour or habit. My Mum’s behaviour irritated and angered me, but I thought that it was more or less normal. Now I consciously try to ‘unteach’ myself and will not think in these patterns whenever I become aware of them.

  5. Perse jumped into the fire says:

    I remember it became really hard to do anything after being buried in a pile of should.

  6. Narc Angel says:

    You should give up after all this time of contacting when I havent responded.

    Rec’d this message recently:

    Hey babe, after all this time I know I never held up my end. Im sorry for that.

    He has a position of trust in a very public job. So this time I responded:

    #metoo

    That should be the end of that but we’ll see.

    1. abrokenwing says:

      Good one.

    2. BurntKrispyKeen says:

      #slickchick

  7. Kim says:

    HI HG,
    What is the typical time for a hoover to last? Does a MMR take as much time on a hoover as they do on the seduction?
    Thanks
    Your humble Empath

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A hoover can last one second as in a text message or several hours if in person.

      1. Kim says:

        Could it last days and weeks?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I think you are confusing the duration of a hoover itself with the period of time over which repeated hoovers are occurring.

  8. Mausi says:

    Dear HG

    What happens next … if we keep up the no contact and do not go back and withhold his child? What is typical behaviour of the mid range?

    Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See ‘How No Contact Feels’ – Part Two.

  9. Shesaw says:

    Dear HG, thank you so much for your invaluable insights. I’m relatively new here, and I have to say your writings and books are of tremendous help to me in ‘making chocolate’ (as we say 🙂 of what happened to me.

    I suppose the Narc I was with was a Mid-Ranger, though you always say that MR’s don’t know who they are. He knows what he is – yet I don’t think of him as a Greater because he seems not to fully see/understand the effects of his behaviour.

    He knew how to confuse me, how to make me long, how to make me feel a little anxious – mostly by using very metaphorical language. He did this on purpose, he told me, to make me stick to him. But he seemed to see only the effects he wanted to create in me, not how it hurt me, not how it made me wary and made me go away in the end (though I told him several times).

    Where does this being ‘aware but not aware of the negative implications of the behaviour’ fit in the classification? Mid Range? Upper Mid Range? Or Lesser Greater because of the awareness of himself? Can you help me with this one? Thanks so much

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Welcome on board and thank you for you compliment.

      i would need more information to be accurate but from the information you have provided he would be MMR or UMR.

      1. Shesaw says:

        Thank you for your reply HG, much appreciated.

  10. Kiki says:

    It is really a mystery to me that many middle range are able to hold on their marriages longer. How? Is it because of facade or they know about their weaknesses and limitations that they won’t get the same benefits again and they will loose their present Comfort of home? They may have secondary Sources for fuel all the time. But they hold on to their marriages making children or Finances or other things as excuses.

    I have asked about females middel range narcs before, but could not get the answer. Why they are able to dominate their partners all their lives and partners are unable to divorce them.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Facade.

      For all of the reasons why the victim will not try to escape – the victim clings on looking for the wrong answers/trying to change the situation/recover the illusory golden period, the return of the golden period through Respite Periods makes the victim think everything is okay again so they remain/try to recover it yet again when devaluation starts, the victim thinks the problem is them and not the narcissist, the victim does not know what they are dealing with, the victim’s desire to make things right/heal/fix, the victim thinking the behaviour is as a consequence of external events, the victim being governed by emotional thinking so they remain so their (unknown) addiction is fed and more reasons besides. There are many reasons why the victim does not escape.

      1. Daisy says:

        Let’s say his victim is codependent and although not married to each other, they live together with her children from a previous realtionship. She obviously will not leave him. He has secondary sources who get shelved & dusted off intermittently. He’s got it “made”, living the life of Riley! Facade or not for what possible reasons would he be the one to give all this up?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          1. There is an IPSS who he ensnares who is superior to the IPPS and thus is replaced; or
          2. The IPPS causes a dis-engagement trigger – with a codependent this is most likely to be ceasing to function.

      2. Daisy says:

        Also, what’s preventing him from building a new facade with a new primary source, please?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Nothing.

          If the narcissist has appointed a new IPPS then any damage to the previous facade is deemed as acceptable (and will have been mitigated by smearing) and thus a new facade is created with the new IPPS.

      3. Daisy says:

        Thank you so much for your explanation HG

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

  11. Jasmine says:

    I did

    1. BurntKrispyKeen says:

      Yeah, I have to admit Jasmine. I did plenty of the “you should’s” too. But thankfully, not all of them!

  12. Mara says:

    Thank you for this, HG.

    Today I was wondering if the narcissist ever thinks of me at all, which I acknowledge is just my emotional thinking acting up. But if he does, the above reflects this position very well based on my past experience with him and the stuff he would say to me: that he has been extremely patient with me and that I should appreciate that; that our issues were all my fault, of course; that he tried to make our relationship/friendship work but that he is tired now; that I should see my therapist because of my “paranoia”, “irrationality”, “lack of self-control.” etc, etc.

    A mutual friend some time ago told me that the narcissist would indeed like me to come back to his inner circle and continue doing volunteer work for him—if I apologized, praised him, and accepted his terms. That was her impression and not based on anything he said to her. (She agrees with me that he is a narcissist, though. But she has decided to stay in his circle).

    So again, I suspect that what you write, and particularly that I should come back, is in his case probably overall what he is thinking—if he does think about me at all, as I know he’s got my replacement and a new, shiny, skilled, and pretty NISS “special friend” to think about.

    My returning is of course never going to happen, much less apologizing.

    I also love the images you use on your blogs, especially this one. Spot on.

  13. BurntKrispyKeen says:

    It seems we empaths never can seem to learn compliance.

    I listened to the ex-wife of former White House aide, Rob Porter. She spoke of how charming he was in the beginning… throughout their courting. Then after marriage, the abuse soon occurred. She said that Rob was great in public, well-respected with many accolades. She seemed surprised how he could be so different behind closed doors… abusive, yet sensitive and kind at other times.

    I kept yelling, “He’s a narcissist!” (Just felt the need to tell her even though she couldn’t hear.) But can you imagine the fury that she sparked tonight? I bet he didn’t expect to have his ex tell their story on CNN!

    1. Jasmine says:

      BKK,

      Really?? CNN? 🤣

      Empaths: 1
      Narcs: 0

    2. Melissa says:

      Sick MFs!****

    3. MLA - Clarece says:

      Oooohhhh BKK, I’ll have to find that interview on CNN. I read an article earlier this week with reported emotional abuse from both of his ex wives about Rob Porter. They are almost verbatim on how they had to “walk on egg shells” behind closed doors because they never knew what would incite his temper and rage. He could be extremely harsh and critical. The second wife said something had set him off during a vacation and he came after her pulling her out of a shower, naked and wet to yell at her. Everyone in the White House adores him and speaks of his good deeds, his integrity, his love for helping people. Can you say Greater Angel with a filthy face?
      His new girlfriend is 29, so probably taking in that the two exes are merely jealous, treacherous whores.

      1. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        Isn’t it interesting how their stories are so similar MLA – Clarece!

        Rob’s ex-wife, Jennifer, conducted herself well during the interview with Anderson Copper, but when she spoke of Rob’s “anger and depression,” I so badly wanted her to know that there is much more to him… filthy face indeed!

        Of course, she might actually suspect narcissism and just hated to “diagnose” him on national television. And I agree… no doubt he is smearing the two exes to the new young thing… and I bet it’s in the language you described! Jennifer mentioned Hope Hicks, saying she felt that she was in danger. So sad.

        I hope you find the interview easily. It’s another reminder of how so many of us have been affected. Thank you for responding.

  14. analise13 says:

    Wow. Brilliant. HG, you have nailed the mid ranger.

    Is your mother a middle or upper mid range narcissist?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      UMR.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        With some of the conversation about social media on the other articles this week, had you and your siblings grown up in a time with social media part of the culture as it is now, would your mother had been someone constantly posting statuses and updates daily about family accomplishments, where you’re dining, this child won this trophy and this one achieved this academic achievement, and my husband did this gesture? Basically happy, happy, happy and best, best, best, all day every day?
        I’m just thinking about some, not all, but a handful of the Dance Mom crowd or other parents my daughter has been to school with their kids.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          That is an accurate conclusion Clarece.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            Interesting! So she comes off as devoted Matriarch and social butterfly.
            How has your mother been as a grandmother to your sister’s kids? Does she have a favorite? Does she meddle with the type of parenting Rachael tries to do? If so, how does Rachael cope?

      2. analise13 says:

        So, in that. She is unaware of what she is.
        Will you tell her?

  15. Katie says:

    I have uttered some of those exact phrases myself. Maybe I’m the narcissist.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You’re not.

  16. HG Tudor’s #1 fan says:

    This article sums up the Gym rat for sure.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

The Five Hatreds of the Narcissist

Next article

Little Acons – No. 10