V- Day



Today is V-Day. You know it as Valentine’s Day and I know it is Victory Day because whatever happens today, I will come out on top. Valentine’s Day is now a cynical and manufactured event which tells people that they must exhibit love towards another or they ought to expect to be shown that they are loved. Accordingly, people are compelled to send pieces of card which are predominantly coloured red as some kind of token of their love. Florists go in to over drive to meet the demand as roses suffer their annual massacre all in the name of love. Chocolates, stuffed toys, jewellery, perfume, champagne and many other types of gifts are purchased and presented for the purposes of heralding love. A special meal ought to be cooked or attendance at a venue which has invariably over-booked in order to capitalise on this free-for-all for love and attention. Simpering couples stare at one another, still enveloped in the early stages of infatuation, revelling in this materialistic manifestation of love. He hopes to get laid or at least a blow job later for the outlay of his hard-earned, although of course he would ordinarily pour scorn on the notion of ever having to pay for sex. She hopes for a loving and romantic encounter between the sheets as the cherry on the cake for a delightful evening. If they might break their gaze they would see the jaded couples sat around them, struggling to find a sentence to share which does not involve talking about the children, how hard it was to get a booking and wondering when the food will arrive. They give thanks to their own personal god as they grip their ‘phones and post their location and a picture of the over-priced fizz in order to tell the world, “Look at me, someone loves me, I am not a sad loser on V-Day.”

A day of fabrication and artifice. Yet, against this backdrop of manufactured sugary expressions of love, this a day for us to thrive. All of these superficial manifestations of how love should be shown amount to manna from heaven for our kind. There is not a lot of effort involved – buy a card, order some flowers, make a booking and so forth – do this for the expectant appliance which is being seduced and all the buttons are pressed. Maybe add some panache and sophistication in there should we determine that it merits it. Whether it is an over-sized card or an extravagant and classy piece of jewellery, it all amounts to the same thing from us. It is the simple exploitation of a day of expectations and we easily deliver.

Since we operate in the world of illusion, anything which tells us how love should be demonstrated and moreover how love is perceived by people is a bonus. If the expectation is created by this false festival and the ways of satisfying that expectation are legion then we will readily embrace it and join is to allow us to further your seduction. Christmas, your birthday, Valentine’s Day, Easter, summer holidays and other besides are all excellent opportunities for us to deliver in accordance with a pre-conceived idea so that you fall for it. You expect certain things to happen on these days and Valentine’s Day especially. Thus, if you are in the seduction then who are we to disappoint and we will turn it all up to eleven in order to ensure that your expectations are met and even exceeded so that your intoxication with us continues apace.

It is a false day for false emotions and suits us down to the ground. You have been conditioned as to what you expect and when you are being seduced you will get it and then some and we have hit the ball from the park. Plenty of glorious positive fuel and your further embedding into our illusory world. We thank you Gods of Saccharine Verse and Chocolate Hearts, the Goddesses of Red Roses and Shiny Trinkets for blinding your disciples so we can deliver them your piece of heaven and in so doing advance our own agendas.

As you would expect, this day of expectations is one where we will deliver when it is your seduction and one where will fail to deliver when it is your devaluation. You may not expect the grand gestures which once came in those halcyon days of first seduction, but you do at least expect some recognition, if only to provide you with some respite from this slow and lingering death march you are experiencing as we devalue you. You still expect some sign on this day that we love you. Valentine’s Day acts as a huge prompt which you expect us to pay heed to and at the very least there ought to be a card and flowers. Perhaps a pleasant gift to make up for the horrible behaviours we have been exhibiting towards you, something to cling to, to make peace? An evening out at a favourite restaurant or a hot bath with candles and dinner in the oven when you return from another day of toiling for The Man? You tell yourself not to get your hopes up but you will always do so. Just something, anything to give you a sign that all is not lost and that there is some love that remains even if it is just to take the pain away for just one day.

You may just hit pay dirt and find a Respite Period so that your hopes and dreams are indeed tapped into and allowed to flare in joyous elation as we come good and we greet you with smile and waiting glass of champagne. You border on tears of anxious relief as we meet you from work holding a clothes’ carrier and motion for you to return into the office to get changed as we are going straight to your favourite French restaurant. You might just be granted this and your positive fuel of relief, delight and gratitude is lapped up in contrast to the negativity that has prevailed previously.

More likely is the continuation of the devaluation as you awake to find us already gone to work and no card or gift waiting. No flowers arrive at home or the workplace (although we will have sent flowers to somebody as we work on that prospective primary source). You make the effort for us, but we call and explain there is a crisis at work and we will be late, if we bother to call you at all. You will be stood up, left waiting, given something totally inappropriate, lambasted for expecting something or making a fuss on “a complete con of a day which is only there to line the pockets of card markers, chocolatiers, restaurants and florists”. You can expect to be told


“I didn’t think we needed to bother as we have been together for years.”

“Valentine’s Day? It is for kids.”

“I do not have to be told when I can express how I feel.”

“Jesus, why are you wanting to waste money on that tat?”

“I would rather watch the sport and have an early night than sit an over-priced bistro with people who obviously hate one another.”


You have expectations of love, pleasure and romance. You can instead expect disappointment, dismay and dejection.

Whatever happens today we achieve victory – positive fuel from those we seduce and negative fuel from those that we disappoint. Whether it is meeting expectations or whether it is dashing them, today can only ever be about a winning outcome for us. Hence it is our Victory Day.

35 thoughts on “V- Day

  1. Bubbles🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    Mr Bubbles and I celebrate everything and everyday ending in “y”. Haha
    We tried to convey that to our weasel friend ….. he was so nonchalant about every special occassion ! I wish I knew what I know now, back then!
    You are one wise teacher!
    These “V” articles are a winner

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A pair of hedonists eh? Hg approves.

      1. Bubbles says:

        You bet your sweet bippy 😂… and thank you

  2. Jess says:

    I received my first direct hoover. For the past several weeks he has been talking with my friends at the bar, spreading mistruths. They report this to me. He’s sucking up, showing off, he wants to take me out, he loves my daughter…etc. He wants a chance to crush me again. I’ve ignored weeks of these lies. In the am he sent me a friend request (using his sister’s name). The profile picture is a monster peeking at me and “I’m watching you.” I’m friends with his sister so I know it’s not her. The account/profile picture is also from 2015 so I’m sure I’m not the first woman to go thru this. Creepy…

    My NarcMom made Valentine’s Day difficult growing up. I don’t enjoy receiving presents or compliments, so it can be an awkward day even if things are “good.”

    The MMRN was informed of this and made last years a living hell. I offered him exclusivity but he assumed it was alrdy his. He became a monster. He yelled at me during sex. Belittled me, in a subtle way continuously. I went straight to devaluation… He denied this after but asked me to tell him specifically what he said that bothered me.
    Me “the problem is that you said so many hurtful things that you can’t figure out which ones wounded me”
    Him “yes and if you tell me what it was then I’ll be sure not to do it again”
    Me “in my experience that’s not how it works.”
    Him “…….”
    If I had an ounce of self respect I would have stopped seeing him after this day. The fact that I stayed was a green light. It lasted a year.

    Thank you for the new distractions yesterday HG. It was good reading. I needed to brush up on GOSO, The Wrong No Contact and No Contact Suicide for sure.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome and it shows progress to recognise that you need to re-visist certain articles.

  3. Brian says:

    HG, I miss your videos. Your writing is great, but its your voice that brings out the color and texture in your words. Nevertheless, great post!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you. This article is also available to listen to.

  4. Mini Duck says:

    So Nice arcticle HG
    I enjoyed reading it as it was sarcastic and very true. Even though i dream of love from some man, I also understand that love is Chemical Product of our brain. I will preserve this article for future re-reading so that i don’t fall into the temptation of becoming a victim for any narc again and keep myself happy as a single.

  5. Bibi says:

    It’s also Ash Wednesday.

  6. BurntKrispyKeen says:

    Well you didn’t have to ruin it for me.
    I haven’t felt like this since they told me about Santa.

  7. narc affair says:

    Using people and living a fake life is definitely no victory.
    Valentines day is what you make of it. If you expect to be treated like someone out of a romance novel then you stand a good chance of being disappointed.
    Ive decided my future valentines days are going to be about celebrating my love for my children, my furbaby, my friends, family and people in general. Love comes is so many forms and romantic love is just one of those.
    Romantic love isnt always perfect either. Your partner may not give you exactly what you wanted or sweep you off your feet but if you enjoy each others company and have a mutual respect then that is all that matters. The mushy goopy dazzling perfection people expect on valentines day is usually for people as mentioned who are in the honeymoon stage or being seduced by a narcissist.

    1. BurntKrispyKeen says:

      So true, Narc Affair. It’s easy to get caught up in the fairytale of romance, but I quickly had to accept that those Disney movies I saw as a little girl were only for animated figures.

      And since my time is limited due to the same responsibilities we all have, I am trying to be more selective. As you indicated, spending time with those who respect me and treasure me… now that’s time well spent.

    2. Hurt&Confused (but it's becoming clearer) says:

      Narc affair,
      I “celebrated” by giving my fur-baby lots of love and attention (she receives that every day though) and by exchanging funny valentines/galentines messages with my friends.
      And I completely agree with your last paragraph.
      I do not want fake displays of affection, I do not want fake promises, i do not want fake compliments. I do not want the fantasy. I do not want perfection. Prince Charming can take a hike if he cannot be honest with himself and with me.

  8. AMW says:

    Or lets unfriend me on Facebook the night before Valentines Day knowing I would be upset. Its been almost a month and I have not spoken to him, have not bothered him on FB but he had to do that now. Why now? Even though reading your post daily and feel like I have the understanding, I still am just shocked. Just why?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Your first sentence answers your question.

      1. Pbw says:

        Ah fuel glorious fuel…. someone should just invent a Narc station … one that only carries FUEL ….but then they too can run out

  9. HG, delightful to hear from you again. It is so fun to be prepared and be able to deflect with a silly comment. Been doing this a long time. Not getting hooked is most empowering. We are going to be with some folks who I believe know “activities on the side.” So I’m going to pop off about the things in the smear campaign. I filled someone in today. With laughter, genuine delight. I grieved the smear campaign 3 or more years ago, and now it just strikes me as other worldly. The little smearer really picked on the wrong woman/man. I think at least one person who will be with us has heard it first hand, and boy, am I going to make it good!!! This person is probably one of the smearer’s flying monkeys. Absolutely insane. This little smearer who is a counselor will NOT want it to be noted that “crazies” do smear campaigns. I shall make it plain as pie!!!!

  10. Empress1 says:

    My ex narc (who is hoovering for whatever reason) reason called my home phone late last nite (most likely to make sure I was home and alone) then again at 6:30 this morning! WTF— he is in the State, I am in Canada— I teased him last night and said “Jeez, the florist will have a hard time delivering the flowers tomorrow I am and out and about all day”– He said ” Oh, I did forget to send them, I better call first thing in the morning”—
    I laughed, “Why bother, you never have before. No big deal. I bought my own.” That was a lie- but what the heck! What a group of losers!

  11. Becky says:

    Dear Mr Tudor, (love the inuendo as an historian)

    I have been reading your letters for some time and I never reacted as there are so many hard realities in your words….

    But today especially… Naaaa nothing happened. No flowers or anything. He does serve champagne breakfast Saturday and Sunday… but nothing today.
    He went to bed an hour ago….
    You’re always right !!! Amazing…

    Thank you for everything.
    Big hug ( as our kind does)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

      1. Hurt&Confused (but it’s becoming clearer) says:

        Yes, but was it positive or negative fuel? Or both?
        Some positive fuel in the morning, followed by negative fuel in the evening perhaps?

        Today I provided lots of negative fuel for someone at work. I must learn to exercise better control when dealing with bullies.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It was positive fuel.

  12. lumieres says:

    And what if the empath is happy doing all of that for their significant other without expecting anything in return? One’s expression of love for another does not have to feel empty nor under appreciated, so long as they can respect and appreciate themselves. I noticed that my SO shows some signs of narcissism, but so do I. Those signs typically surface when one of our needs is not met.

    I understand it is difficult as we have different needs: one thrives on love, the other relies on survival instinct. What if the lover is able to provide the partner with a steady source of “premium supply” and make their partner feel safe and content, which in return feeds their own source. I feel true love is respecting and accepting each other for who they are and find fulfillment in making each other happy. Live on your own terms, but try to make compromises to meet the others’ terms too. If that is achieved, would you risk wanting more outside “supply” even if it means losing your current supply? Wouldn’t it then be a balanced and perfect partnership as their strengths complement each other in this bustling modern day world?

    You would probably say a true narc wouldn’t want to compromise because they’ll get their way regardless. I suppose that is true, but I also believe that there is healthy narcissism, which might not be applicable to everyone. For those that do, just respect each other’s boundaries. They don’t have to try and change one another, just embrace it and make clear where their line is drawn.

  13. Hurt&Confused (but it’s becoming clearer) says:

    Dear Cupid,
    Stop drinking on the job, you spiteful little git!

    So HG, how are you celebrating “Victory Day” this year?
    With a devaluation or a seduction?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The articles which followed your question will have given you some of the picture.

      1. Hurt&Confused (but it's becoming clearer) says:

        Yes, I read all about your colleague.If that did happen, and if she does behave in the way that you have described, then I cannot sympathise with her situation.

        What about the rest of the picture? More specifically, what did you do to your current partner? If you don’t mind sharing?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          1. She does behave that way, that’s why she had to be dealt with.
          2. Ensured she provided me with fuel.

  14. Perse@schoolofhardnarcs.edu says:


    I wish you would be kind, today, to your IPPS.
    Wouldn’t you like a gush of positive fuel?
    But, of course, you know how to do that!

    I know, none of my bizniz….

  15. Blondie says:

    I got A Happy Valentine’s Day text with hearts…and asked out for dinner ..In all the years that’s happened once ..no birthday presents or Christmas presents , he does not do presents I was told or cards..

  16. Lisa says:

    What should a shelf ipss expect? Just to be ignored or something malign? I know you said shelf is not devaluation but it sure feels like it

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See The Valentine Vagaries.

  17. Perse@schoolofhardnarcs.edu says:

    I’ll make somebody happy today, and he is not even expecting anything!

    I will grill my dog a steak, and he will be ecstatic!

    And he won’t be eating my dinner, too, as has happened in years past.

    No waiting for gifts, or abuse.

    And later I have a date with B.O.B…..I don’t have to feed him or make nice!!!!

    Then I get a nice quiet night of peaceful sleep.

    Wow!! I think I’ll be enjoying Valentines Day immensely, just by loving myself, and not worrying about anyone else’s expectations or machinations.

    Happy V Day HG,

    Happy Happy Joy Joy to all the rest of you dear readers!!! XOXO


    1. geyserempath says:

      Love it, Perse! A date with B.O.B. is always less trouble than the real deal. xx

      1. Hurt&Confused (but it’s becoming clearer) says:

        I am laughing at myself because I had to Google B.O.B.

  18. Catherine says:

    I agree HG; I too think Valentines and Christmas and all these enforced upon us holidays are a nuisance. Especially Valentines because it’s so commercial and I hate being told how to feel about anything a given day because it’s a must. I feel what I feel whenever I feel like it. I never celebrated Valentines at all. To me it’s fake, but I understand how easily it becomes a day of victory for you. Be gentle though, even if I guess that’s not in the cards for tonight.

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