How To Make A Request of a Narcissist
The most effective approach when dealing with our kind is GOSO, namely Get Out, Stay Out and do so through the imposition of a robust no contact regime.
The value of achieving this means it is often worth making certain sacrifices in terms of having that final word (see The Last Word ), writing off money owed to you, kissing good bye to that gay unicorn sculpture or even hoping for some kind of explanation as to what has happened. The benefit of achieving no contact will often outweigh trying to address those outstanding matters. Keep in mind also that not only do our kind not provide you with closure ( Closure Denied ), will not give you answers and also use any interaction to future fake and give you false hope, we also utilise outstanding issues (money, possessions, payment of bills etc) as the maintenance of Ever Presence and as Hoover Triggers. The attempt at a successful no contact regime is littered with the residue of the narcissistic entanglement.
Nevertheless, there may be occasions where you feel it is necessary to make a request of our kind in order to seek some kind of outcome or resolution. This requires careful evaluation to determine whether it is a step worth taking and if it is, how should this be effected? Here are some dos and don’ts in respect of how to make a request to a narcissist. Keep in mind that these points are not stand-alone and impact on one another in terms of the overall outcome that can be achieved.
- The first significant point is to take heed of the very title of this article. Make a request. Although it may sicken you to have to be polite and civil to us after the way you have been treated, if you make a demand you will get nowhere. In accordance with our need to always maintain control and the upper hand, making a demand of us is the proverbial red rag to the bull. Dependent on how this demand is made, it will either be Challenge Fuel ( so expect us to provoke you to get more delicious negative fuel and we will respond in an intransigent, obnoxious and obstructive manner to this demand) or it will wound us and thus you will ignite our fury. This latter response will mean your demand will be dead in the water and you will be subjected to either heated or cold fury. No matter how much it pains you, do not use phrases such as
“You have to do this”
“You must pay me immediately”
“If you do not do this then…”
Instead, you should utilise phrases including
“It would be appreciated if you could….”
“I hope that you might be able to….”
“Would you be so kind as to….”
We baulk at being commanded to do anything, since we are the doers and not the done to. No matter how right you may feel about making a demand, no matter how justified or entitled you may be, resist the temptation to couch your interaction with us in such terms.
2. Timing. This is crucial in terms of maximising the potential for success with your request. Naturally any request made to us during the relevant golden period is highly likely going to meet with success but that is of little help to you. You are not likely to be asking for your antique banker’s lamp back during the golden period or requesting that the utilities’ bills be settled promptly. Your request is usually going to be made post-escape or post-disengagement and it is in those instances that the issue of timing becomes paramount.
a. Do not bother with making any request in the immediacy of your escape from our kind. By immediacy I mean the first month post escape. Your escape will have meant that you have been deemed to be a traitor. If you make the request during the Initial Grand Hoover (our concerted attempt to pull you back under our control and into the Formal Relationship again) then it will only be seen as further evidence of your treachery. If you want money to be repaid, that not only signals to us that you have no interest in coming back to us, but making such a request will either be Challenge Fuel or Wounding. If you make your request following an unsuccessful IGH, if we do not have a replacement IPPS (assuming that was the position you held) then your request will in all likelihood be agreed to on the basis of you returning to us. Do not fall for it. This will be a future fake. We will agree to returning those items if you come and see us (so we can apply more pressure to draw fuel from you etc) but the return of the possessions will not happen.
b. If you become aware that we are pursuing a new IPPS interest and that is in the early stages (first few weeks of the pursuit) then do not bother making your request. You will remain painted black, seen as a traitor and also we will be concerned that you are trying to make us look bad in front of this new prospect. Furthermore, our inherent wariness will mean that we will treat the request with suspicion, regarding it as a Trojan Horse for the purposes of you trying to inveigle your way back in to wreak havoc on our new golden period.
c. If we have an embedded IPPS and all is sunny in paradise in Narcworld, this is your optimum opportunity to acquire a favourable outcome. The reason for this is that we will be far more secure in our golden period with this new IPPS. Furthermore, the maintenance of the façade of us being kind, decent and honourable will be of importance and whilst there is no absolute guarantee that we will acquiesce to your request, your chances are much greater. We want to be seen as magnanimous, that we bear no grudge, that we have moved on and we want to show the new IPPS (and members of the coterie) that we can exhibit benevolence. Of course there will be limits to this largesse, but by approaching us at this time and adopting the other points in this article then you will increase your chances significantly of a favourable outcome.
d. If we have dis-engaged from you, you have been painted black also. In all likelihood there will be a new IPPS and therefore in terms of timing you should pay heed to the above points.
e. If we have dis-engaged from you and there is no IPPS (as far as you can tell) there will be no point making the request because you will remain black because we have chosen to dis-engage from you with no IPPS to bolt on. Such a step may well have been taken as a consequence of total treachery on your part – exposure or massive wounding – and therefore any request made at this time will be met with being ignored at best and horrendous malign hoovers at worst.
Timing is most important and you need to be able to recognise where we are likely to be at with regards to our dynamic with other appliances before making your quest,
3. Do not make the request in person. No matter how hard you try to remain neutral, by appearing in person before us, you will provide us with fuel through what you say how you say it, the tone of your voice, your facial expression, the look in your eyes and so forth. This means that we will give the appearance of considering your request but all we will focus on is either gaining more fuel from you or pulling you back into the Formal Relationship (dependent on when this happens). Even if you make the request when we are at 2c above, your appearance in person will defeat the request because we see the opportunity to gain fuel from you (either positively by agreeing and future faking you so you keep revisiting us or by provoking you to give negative fuel) as far more important than looking good for the appearance of the façade. Keep in mind also that your emotional thinking is far more likely to govern your responses if you are with us in person and this will result in your providing automatic responses which will go against your aims.
4. Do not make the request by telephone. Although the quantity of fuel will not be as great as if you made the request in person, there is still a decent quantity to be obtained and we will seize on that opportunity rather than focus on making us look good by agreeing to your request. By speaking to us, you are again more likely to give us fuel and also to be governed by emotional thinking as we goad you – be it for positive or negative fuel.
5. Do not make the request by text message or social media message. You will end up clipping your message in a way which will make it appear like a demand. It is also easier for us to ignore.
6. Always make the request in writing and that means either in an e-mail or a hand-written letter. Why do this?
a. Evidence. Your request is not guaranteed to meet with success but where it eventually leads to (perhaps police involvement or through the courts) will be boosted considerably by having this evidence in place and not having to rely on oral evidence.
b. Best Front Shown. You will be far more considered, logical and restrained in a written request than one made in person or by telephone. Keep in mind that some of our kind will film/record you and use edited ‘highlights’ to discredit you when you become angry, frustrated or exasperated.
c. You will be able to take your time in composing the most effective request. You will be able to reflect on it, remove as much fuel as possible, avoid anything which would be construed as demanding or wounding and maximising effectiveness.
d. Even if you do provide some fuel, the written word conveys the lowest quantity by reason of the absence of hearing the tone, seeing the facial expressions and so forth. The written word may be emotive but it is low in terms of the quantity of fuel and may even just be Thought Fuel based on how we consider you to have been when you wrote the correspondence.
e. Building a ‘paper’ trail. If the request is not agreed to and you therefore have to use a formal channel – complaint to a body, commence litigation or use the police for instance, the fact you have created a paper trail will move matters heavily in your favour.
7. Never plead, cajole or threaten. This will cause us to scent there is fuel in the offing and/or wound us and therefore we will focus on the fuel/healing the wound you have caused and your request will be forgotten about as we go off on a different frolic.
8. Provide some flattery but do not go overboard. It is acceptable to write in terms such as
“I know you are a reasonable person”
“I know you are the right person to assist with this matter”
“I know you can resolve this for both our benefits”
Note the use of “I know” and not “I think”. Using I know is a strong assertion and leaves no room for doubt. However, do not become obsequious or over the top in your praise or compliments, because this will either cause us to sense more fuel is on offer or we will regard you as taking the piss and this will be Challenge Fuel. In either case, this causes us to focus on the fuel and/or asserting superiority and your request will be lost in the process.
9. Make the request once and once only. If you do not get a response or the response is rejection do not go back. All we will do is future fake and provoke you. If the request does not meet with success then you have made your point and you should then proceed to escalate the matter through a formal channel. Don’t keep chipping away asking “did you get the e-mail” (put a delivered and read receipt on it). Don’t demand that the request is answered (see the point about demand above).
10. If the execution of the request requires the delivery up of property, the return of possessions and such like, politely request that this is done through a third party and specify when they will attend to collect goods or deliver property etc. With regard to money you can arrange for this either be paid into an account or if it is cash have it handed to the trust worthy third party. Do not suggest that you will meet with us to execute the request. This will cause us to see an opportunity to gain fuel and deny the request or string it out and delay.
11. Ensure the request is clear. Do not suggest any meeting to discuss it. Do not invite us to advance counter proposals. Do not fudge the issue. Identify what needs to be done, make the request in a clear fashion noting precisely what should be provided for example, when and how. Invite a third party to review the written request so it reads clearly and there is no scope for misunderstanding. We will exploit a lack of clarity in order to contact you in person and thus draw fuel etc.
12. Politely request that the response from us is sent to a third party. You should always make the request (do not do so by proxy as this will insult us and wound us that you could not even be bothered to do the courtesy of asking us to begin with and your request will immediately fail) . However, detail in the request that performance of the request and confirmation should be provided to a third party who you can trust. This will deny us the opportunity to try to hoover you and dodge the purpose of the request. It also means that you may also maximise your prospects of a successful outcome when you are painted black still. If we do not have to deal with you (when there is a concern that you might for example interfere in the blossoming seduction of a new IPPS) then this is likely to improve the chances of it happening.
13. Identify the school of narcissist you are dealing with and tailor the request accordingly. The Lesser will have lower energy levels and risk an ignition of fury more readily, therefore look at ways of making his compliance easy – send someone to collect rather than wanting him to come and deliver for example. The Mid Ranger will want to be seen as the ‘good egg’ so factor that into how you phrase the request. The Greater will be above such trivialities and you may benefit from suggesting one of the Greater’s people liaises with one of your people to execute the request.
14. Do not offer a reward or incentive for compliance. This will then be the focus of our response and this will be sought without acceding to the request. If you show you are willing to give us something in return (which we regard as being entitled to anyway) we will focus on that instead.
15. Seek my assistance with a bespoke solution to the relevant situation so all factors are considered and taken into account and I can assist with the drafting of a request which is far more likely to succeed.
16. If the request does not work, do not be disheartened. Instead, if you have followed this article you will have avoided giving much fuel, you will not have made a show of yourself, you will have breached no contact of course but not in a way that is going to cause you huge problems and you will have established a constructive platform which will allow you to, if you wish, to escalate the matter in order to bring about compliance through an alternative method.
16 thoughts on “How To Make A Request of a Narcissist”
“If you make the request during the Initial Grand Hoover (our concerted attempt to pull you back under our control and into the Formal Relationship again) then it will only be seen as further evidence of your treachery.”
ahhh, no wonder
I don’t understand the logic I roll and HG. I am in the Grand Hoover, my request for him to pay me back is going to be viewed as treacery??? Please explain further. Thank you.
It is because you are viewed as trying to control him which is treachery to your given role as an obedient and compliant appliance.
Good Morning. Here is what I can’t get my head around: You write so well and with such self awareness. You understand yourself and how you operate. These are good attributes. What I can’t figure out is when you write, read, re-read your autobiography why you can’t see your own horribleness and the hurt you cause others. You lay it out so clearly yet something prevents you from seeing yourself in your own words. Is it a Dorian Gray type of dynamic or is the narcissism you getting fuel from writing about being infant terrible and getting away with it. Do you want to be a better person? You must as you are in therapy and this blog has been encouraged by the good doctors? It pains me to read and know, that the best advice for the rest of us is to run for the hills and stay gone. But what about you? Don’t you see the flee marks? Don’t you want what others seem to have that doesn’t require so much expended energy? Don’t you want love? I just can’t believe it doesn’t all pain you on some level. I mean why go to therapy if you imagine yourself perfect?
Thanks HG.. great advice as always and I really need to do one of these letters.. Really need to ask your advice on my situation and how to word the letter.. Am I able to email you??
You may, but you will need to organise a consultation.
Truly important post, HG.
I’ve been using this advice a couple of times already.
I try to be as calm and lighthearted as possible. Only asking once.
With this attitude:
“If you do this for me, it’s fine. If you don’t, it’s fine.”
Good work CB.
this is very long and detailed and specific. the answer to a question i asked you many months ago, and at the time you felt it belonged in a personal consult, which i was unable to afford at the time.
i appreciated your clear boundaries then, and it is interesting to see that what you suggest and explain here are steps i had already taken with my ex, to only partial avail.
what’s most practical: i focused on me. after you responded, i realized that i won’t be able to get a solid answer any time soon, and i had done what needed to be done to get the rest of my money returned to me. and i realized although i didn’t want him to keep all these funds, and share them with his new person, i couldn’t wait for him any longer. so i focused on rebuilding and at the end of last year, i resolved that i am ready to draw a line, and i publicly declared that whatever is owed to me, to forget about it. it was the most liberating, joyful thing i could do with that situation.
i came back to your page to find something about energetic ties. cords. and progress.
1. cords/ties: do you believe in them? other than the cords of manipulation? do you believe in emotional and spiritual ties that continue to exist even after years of separation, when thousands of miles are between the narcissist and his former partner?
do you feel when one of your former partners releases you completely?
2. i see you have written posts for three years almost. what has changed for you in the process of all this work? what has changed inside?
2. My awareness and understanding has increased. I have seen additional parts of the equation which I was blind to previously.
Very good info , thank you so much HG, this is my ‘go to ‘ site in times of trouble!
MB, every narcissist should come with these instructions tucked inside a pocket. Had I known of this information when I was in trouble, I might would have gotten a few of my requests fulfilled, but no, I went about it in the most exhausting way. He seemed to enjoy denying me whatever he thought I was desperate to have.
But as the saying goes… when we know better, we do better.
(And like you, I’m appreciative to have a place to go in time of need… because dealing with a narcissist sure has kept me needy.)
You’re reading my mind HG! I’m potentially planning contact. I have settled on a handwritten note. Not overly long. Ensconced in a pretty generic card with no message. HG I have to admit I want to see if my narc would like to come back for a shag. I know- pls don’t reprimand me. But I see that that is what her prime value is and lsince I know that no appliance really means more than another maybe she would. Also narcs love to get away with things.Of course The letter is not going to say anything about the shag outright, but the letter will not be one to cause her to run away. The letter will be more like yes you hurt me! And yes I think some was intended and some you couldn’t help but do. And I know you’re destined to this behavior but I do wish you the best. Or something maybe not so cheery along those lines.
It would be risky- but I’m single. I never would get into any serious relationshi or even be “a friend’ but she used me- so hey can I use her? You’re the first I’ve told this to.
The purpose of your request strikes me as emotional thinking and therefore is to be avoided, however, in order to know for sure and to provide you with an accurate answer, I need more information about the nature of the narcissist, how long your no contact regime has been in place and how successful it has been along with further information and therefore a consultation is the appropriate method to address this. As it stands I would have to cater for too many “ifs” and “maybes” which means any answer would be unnecessarily long and ultimately not as useful.
Thank you Mr HG