Searching

SEARCHING

You spend your time searching. Searching for the one who will fulfil that desire of complete happiness, the one who will be your match, the one who accords with being the soulmate, the one who completes you, the ying to your yang, the one who makes everything alright again. The one who will wipe away those tears of sadness and bring to you the tears of joy and elation. The one who will always be there, come hell or high water. The one who creates that world that you have always craved. The one who chases away the shadows and keeps the wolf from the door. The one who loves you for what you are and does not seek to change you. You search for the one who wants to be with you but will not complain when there is enforced absence. The one who never forgets the important milestones in your lives but never remembers the times when matters do not quite go to plan. The one who will ensure your memories live on in the raising of others. The one who will not turn from you but will lift you up and rely on you also. The one who will take your hand and hold it tight no matter what storms come your way. The one who wakes with you and smiles that special smile. The one who lays their lips against yours as the day ends and night engulfs the land. The one who knows you inside out and cherishes everything you have to offer the world. The one who understands you and wants to understand you. The one who embraces your flaws and imperfections and does not use them against you. The one who looks into your eyes and desires what they see there. The one who will not judge you, will not hold your errors against you but who will hold you as the world may collapse around you and the one who will say your name with their dying breath.

You spend your time searching for a sign. An indicator that will give you the answers. Something on which you can hang hope, that imposter, in order to solve the mystery that you are now faced with. Something that will enable you to unravel the puzzle that has emerged every day and has your mind twisted, thoughts stretched and contorted. You are searching for the truth, your slavish devotion to such a concept is honourable indeed and you must find that truth and hold it high for all to see. You must locate it and raise it up above to ensure that everybody knows of it. You must find the solution, you must identify the panacea that shall cure all these ills, for you are a fixer, a solver, a healer. You search and search for explanation, enlightenment and elucidation. You are hunting high and low for the reason to something which seems unfathomable. Your search will lead you into dead ends, frustrating cul-de-sacs and along treacherous and perilous routes where your bewilderment is only heightened. Your search for clarity amongst the confusion appears to be never-ending. You may be blessed with an indefatigable spirit which enables you to carry way beyond the endurance of others as this search continues. There are clues, but they dance away from you like an elusive will o the wisp, leaving you blundering after it, as you are led further into the quagmire of disturbing befuddlement.

You search for the antidote to the pain that engulfs you each and every day. Some salve to soothe your fevered brow, a medicine that will numb the pain and bring the cure. You search for an end to the hurt. An end to the misery that sweeps about you, its chains heavy and rusting, making you stoop and cutting you to the core. Dragging you down with its hatred, the horror and the malevolence so you fall to your knees. You crawl across the barren land, hands pricked from the thorns that grow across your path as wearied and beaten down you drive yourself on searching for a way out. You sob with frustration as your draining journey reveals that you have gone around in a circle and you stare with disbelieving eyes at your own handprints in the dust, realisation crashing into you that your endeavours have all been for naught. You search for the Holy Grail that will grant you release from this torture, the answer to every question which gnaws at your terrified mind, the oil that will calm the troubled waters allowing your passage across the emotional sea to become easier allowing you to reach the promised land. You search for the key which will unlock the huge gate that looms over you, the opening of the portal that will enable you to escape this horror which surrounds you and has become woven into the tapestry of your every day. You search and search, fooled by the charlatans that offer respite only to whisk it away at the last moment, wrenching it from your grasp. You search and search for a way out of the nightmare, idiots and clowns suggesting they have the route mapped out for you, but they know little or nothing, well-intentioned or otherwise they are not the ones who will be able to end your search. You search and search for the final destination that will finally grant you release. There are options which may bring this horror show to an end, the dropping of the final curtain but whilst you contemplate that, deep within you there is that will to overcome what torments you and to avoid failing and seeking that alternative exit. That way is not for you. You must conclude your search. You must achieve it and as that truth seeker your search continues. You wish to reach the end and it is an end which gives you the absolute truth, the clearest of answers which thus enables you to seize the power to create that which serves your needs once again. The answers that will sweep aside the darkness and enable you to step into the light once more, a champion of perseverance and a titan of determination.

So, day after day after day, you search.

Your search ends here.

The Holy Grail teaches you deliverance over ruin.

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28 thoughts on “Searching”

  1. This One Hit Really Hard!!! After about an hour of reliving the past (and occasional present) painful experiences, I’m finally able to speak.This article ripped the healing scab from my broken, foolish heart. Even so; I know it will lead to an ultmately quicker healing time. Just the fact that tgert are others out there who can understand what I’m going through; and I can reach out to them for support helps tremendously. Thanks to all of you supporters and mourners.

  2. Very well written, HG. I’ve been reading your site for a while but have yet to comment until now. Thank you for your insights, they have helped me tremendously in my search to find the truth. The truth has haunted me all the same, but I am still much better for knowing it and the lessons I’ve learned thanks to my Narc(s). I hope that you and your kind will too find “The answers that will sweep aside the darkness and enable you to step into the light”.

  3. HG. tra Holy Grail lives inside of me.
    I AM MY HOLY GRAIL!
    Not you. Not my ex NARC.
    What i’m really looking for is myself.
    The one that was rejected because was ‘wrong’ at someone else’s eyes and that was so important in my life.
    The one that I REJECTED TOO because i thought it was wrong.

    If course i do recognise your value.
    I still think that you are a delicate, intelligent, romantic and pleasant man.

    But the point is: i AM the only one that can pick myself up and save me from devastation….

    Thank you for helping me understand that….

    1. Hg is the symbol for mercury in the periodic table. “Liquid silver” is beautiful, shiny, and mesmerizing but very poisonous. If you’ve ever broken the glass (construct) of a thermometer that holds the element, and observe the aftermath, you will see a demonstration of the oblivion.

      1. That is actually very interesting MB.

        “Hg is the symbol for mercury in the periodic table. “Liquid silver” is beautiful, shiny, and mesmerizing but very poisonous.” Yes, indeed it is, and so is HG in some ways.

        In Astrology, the planet Mercury rules the sign of Virgo and I remember that HG told us his star sign is Virgo.

        Another aspect of Mercury in Astrology is that it’s the “messenger” of the gods. In Astrology and mythology, each planet “rules” over, or represents, a certain aspect of behaviour. Mercury rules over communication and the coordination and analysis of thought processes, ideas and information.

        Well, well, well … I enjoy learning about Astrology very much and I also enjoy learning from HG’s insights. What a great combination!

      2. Hi MB and WiserNow,

        Your comments were so interesting and informative! For me, studying chemistry happened one year in high school (awhile ago) and I would not have remembered that Hg represents mercury and its properties (beautiful, intriguing, dangerous). To further connect it with astrology – Mercury and Venus and HG’s sign, Virgo was fascinating. And then you brought it around to the word “messenger” and connecting that to HG.

        Have you heard about Spirit Animals? A few years ago, I was outside talking to an ex-neighbor / friend / Life Coach / Yoga Instructor who told me that my Spirit Animal is a crow. She told me this because when a crow flew over us, I told her how unsettling it is, that I see them everywhere. I know that it sounds a bit mystical and some people may snicker, but it still intrigued me. When I read about it, the Crow Spirit Animal is a trickster and meant to help a person to gain more personal insight (or something like that).

        Whatever led me here (crows, creeps, something else?), I was lucky to be spirited to HG’s fine work because it has helped me tremendously. Thank you, HG!

  4. The answers here have changed my life. There aren’t enough words to ever thank you, Mr.Tudor. I am eternally grateful for your genius writings, even when they hurt! You have given me back my sanity and happiness. You really are the Holy Grail !!

      1. HG,
        I concur with Patricia-there are not enough words to thank you for all you do for us! You are our mentor and savior! Here’s another thanks from a grateful empath!

  5. HG…. Is it you that Holy Grail?

    Inside of you lives such a romantic, passionate, dreaming, suggestive , intense and delicate being…

    Why can’t you be TRUE?

    If you were true, i could stop searching you everywhere wondering if you really exist or not…..

    Why do i have to wake up?

    Why do you have to wake up?

    I know you are looking for the same things. How do i know?
    Because we are more similar than what you can ever imagine….

    We are looking for the same kind of love.
    The one that will save our souls.
    The one that will finally give us the sensation to have come back home….

    Holy Grail, why can’t you be true? I don’t want to fight anymore…
    WHY do i have to wake up?……..

  6. For a gentleman who doesn’t place much value on emotional thinking, you certainly seem to know what it “feels” like to be one of us. I think that is what has always impressed me most, HG Tudor… how you can write your words so well, from either perspective.

    It is not mere flattery to say that type of insight is extraordinary. It is simply my observation of the truth. Perhaps that’s your secret sauce… that you have this remarkable understanding of what it is like to be an empath?

    (Does that seem bizarre?)

    1. As explained before, in order to be effective I listen and observed to both my own kind and your kind, I consider and use what I learn. I am no foolish narcissist.

      1. Nor have I ever once viewed you as foolish, HG.
        Stubborn… perhaps, but I have always recognized your talent and appreciated your adaptation.

        I sense that your cognitive abilities are even more layered than you display here. What I’m trying to say… I sense that even greater accomplishments await you in the near future. (Well, they await, but it will be your hard work that will find them.)

        Whenever I have worked in managerial positions, the greatest compliment I received from my co-workers was that I was fair. I’m not even sure why that meant so much to me, but I worked hard to try to see both sides. It is not easy to slip on somebody else’s shoes and to truly take a walk within another’s journey. There are many who won’t even try. But you do.

        I undressed that narcissist are adept at reading others and their adaptation is a required trait to seduce so effectively, but you take it to a whole other level, HG. It shows me the depth of your capabilities…. Well, you know where I’m heading with this, so I’ll leave it at that.

        I’m just excited to see what’s next for you, professionally and in your personal life. Not that you’ll share, but we’ll be here to listen if you do.

        (And I mean that literally. For some reason, audio lessons make me happy. 😆)

      2. And it’s … I understand* that narcissists… not undressed. What’s happening to me? I didn’t even catch that, but it’s not uncommon for me to miss my mistakes because my eyes seem to see what I want them to see. Imagine that!

        I remember when I first started posting here, I said something about a sitting duck… but my phone changed it to dick. I wondered then if I should be concerned that my phone thinks I use that word more than duck?

        But seriously, unless you’re a hunter, who really talks that much about ducks?

        That could be your next social media rule though… If your phone keeps changing words to undressed… maybe the electronic dictionary knows what we’re not supposed to?

      3. HG
        Re: Feeling Empaths

        Yes, you listen and learn, but all those subsumed souls help things along Im sure.
        On a serious note, do you think the disappointment and subsequent disengagement of your partners (for lack of better term) could be, not because their fuel lessens or becomes stale, but that it does not differ from the others in making you feel MORE over time than you previously have? That it disappoints your sense of always having to do better or be better? (ala you-know-who’s mantra from your childhood in the back of your mind always driving you forward).

  7. I wish you, as a source of knowledge, had been available to me years ago.
    That is not possible, there is no time machine.

    Thank you so much for the knowledge, for causing introspection, and the peace of mind that continues to grow from that knowledge and introspection.

    You are indeed the Holy Grail for the empath that finds themselves entangled with narcissists.

    To those who seek the knowledge:
    Drink deep! The draught may be bitter, but t is strangely refreshing!

  8. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING !!! I am in tears, this touched whatevers left of my soul…
    THANK YOU H.G. ! This is the best, most accurate description of my on-going nightmare…I am truly in awe of how well written, true, and perfect this is. HG has brought all I feel, all I think, & all that I am, at this time in my “life” to words. There aren’t enough of them to convey my thank you to HG, God….or maybe Google…whatever reason I FINALLY found out what I’m dealing with.
    I am so eternally grateful for finding this & all of HG’s writings, books, blogs…etc. I understand now that there is truly no hope for my “relationship” to ever work or change. I understand that I have encountered something I can never fix. Never believe in. Never trust. I will heal….one day, I hope. Until then I shall read 🙂

  9. I wish I had found you sooner. I wasted 4 years searching. The first two years were beautiful , but then you know the rest of the story. I wasted 6 years in all.

  10. That’s what I don’t get ….the integrity of the narcissists mind to that which each one of us is forever searching and if they were to stand together as one to grow in the beauty of life together by knowing what you just said, they don’t . It’s a waste of a beautiful mind and spirit . How can it be ?

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