Connected Yet Removed


The people that know me and interact with me often remark that I always seem attuned to people and my environment. They remark about how I know so much about certain things, that I have clearly experienced a lot and retained the benefit of this experience. My awareness of matters is high and it is often commented on how I am able to “plug in” to something and instantly understand it, know how it works and what to do. Whether it is a meeting, discussion or event, I always fit in. I am not going to disagree with those comments.

Let us imagine that you are a massive football (soccer for our transatlantic cousins) fan. I listen to how you analyse a forthcoming match and discuss the impact of an expensive new signing. I carefully pay attention as you detail how the opposition centre-half is weak on short passes played into the penalty area. I see your eyes widen and light up with interest as you debate these issues with fellow fans. I make a careful note of what is said by you and the others and store it so that I can regurgitate it later to someone else who is similarly interested in football and pass it off as my own knowledge and observations. I do this with conviction so that nobody recognises that these comments are not my own. I spent the morning before the match that we are attending, reading the sport sections of two quality newspapers and also the satellite broadcaster’s webpage for the match, along with other bits and pieces from around the internet in order to assemble my knowledge for this, our first match together. I knew from your social media postings that you are a passionate fan of this team and as I targeted you I pretended I was as well. I managed to recall key trophies the team had won and recent events from the football club’s website to enable me to demonstrate I was also a committed fan. In the course of the discussion with you and your friends who are also die-hard fans I trot out a piece I memorised from a football writer, tweaking it here and there to give it a ring of authenticity as I explain how the captain, sorry our captain, needs a holding midfielder alongside him to allow him to venture further forward and play key balls to the lone man up front. You all nod in agreement showing admiration in my knowledge despite it being acquired elsewhere. I feel the fuel flowing.

I attend the match with you and see how excited you are by the occasion. Your conversation speeds up as you talk about the team the manager has selected. The smell of beer and hot dogs and pies mixes together on the concourse, heightening the occasion as the singing from the away fans drifts from inside the stadium. An event like this assails the senses. The press of the crowd as it makes its way inside seems to lend energy to you and your pace quickens, causing me to have to speed up to ensure I am not left behind. Once in our seats your face shows how you are eagerly anticipating the game, the chanting and shouting already loud, bouncing around the stadium and competing with the delivery of the pa announcer. All around me I can see nervous anticipation, bullish enthusiasm and well-founded confidence. I listen to the chants so I learn the words enabling me to join in. I watch you as you crane forward in your seat, eyes fixed on the unfolding match, fists clenched and repeated utterances issued loudly to urge your team on. I mimic your exhortions and body language, leaning towards the pitch and then jumping up as your team, now our team, opens the scoring. You hug me and I return the hug, jumping up and down in a replica of the delight that washes across the home crowd. The taunting chants aimed at the opposition ring out and I readily join in, gesturing towards the disconsolate faces in the adjoining stand. A second goal is scored, this time from the cries of delight and the conjoining of profanity and blasphemy the goal is clearly of both quality and importance.

“That puts us on top of the league on goal difference,” you explain as if you are able to see that I am wondering why there is such a heightened reaction to this second goal. I know however that you are not wondering that at all. I know that you are thrilled that I am embracing with such enthusiasm the match, sharing the main passion in your life. I join in with the cheers, the shouting, the cries of frustration and disappointment, the barracking of the referee when he makes a poor decision and ensure I am fully integrated with the experience. I look around me watching the passion, the hope, the fury and the delight etched on the other supporters. The stadium is a cauldron of noise and emotion. I am plugged into this experience alongwith fifty five thousand other people. I can see the emotions are raw and visceral, even primitive.

I see all of this around me yet I feel none of it. I merely mimic everyone else in order to fit in. I am attached to the experience but I feel nothing. I am completely detached from it. All it does is serve  a purpose to enable me to create and build bridges and ties with you. I can see how it all affects you, it is clear to see. I am there yet I am not. I am connected yet removed. This is how it feels, or rather, this is how it does not.


7 thoughts on “Connected Yet Removed

  1. pjdtr says:

    Hello HG,
    Do you have anyone in your life that you can be your true self? Is that possible? Or even desired?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No and no.

  2. Mona says:

    HG, I know that you do not do happy or can feel happiness or other “good” emotions and that you mimic them. But you still try to steal them or you try to make them a little bit part of your own. Or why do you surround yourself with people who feel a lot of good emotions?

    You could surround yourself only with depressive or violent or aggressive people. Those are the people whose feelings you can share. You know these feelings very well. You would fit in and feel connected.

    You do not. Why not?

    I am a little bit provocative, I do not want to insult you, I want you to think about it.

  3. BurntKrispyKeen says:

    This breaks my heart.
    Pain makes us numb.

    There are clear advantages to the self-preservation of cutting ties. But to have those internal connections disrupted to such a degree… it is unsettling to imagine what prompts this type of internal withdrawal?

    HG, this writing is one of your best explanations of what it feels like to stand in your shoes.

    Your words make me think of pain in general. Physical pain can vary greatly within individuals and the effectiveness of the methods used to control pain is still not fully understand. Pain perception is simply difficult to measure.

    We all know that humans experience pain… yet there are a very small group of people who essentially do not feel pain. Congenital insensitivity to pain is a rare example.

    This makes me wonder about psychopathy in general. What is the role of nature vs. nurture? Do the causes vary greatly regarding genetics and environmental factors among each individual with narcissism? There is so much to discover. But since we continue to learn more about gene regulation, I can’t lose hope that someday we will better be able to manage our differences… as well as embrace those differences… hopefully with less pain for everyone.

  4. Julie says:

    I just… the constant feeling of emptiness… Wow

  5. RealitySetsIn says:

    I see all of this around me yet I feel none of it. I merely mimic everyone else in order to fit in…….this is unfortunate for you and others like you. I do not understand why the narcissist is so alien. Is there a moment you are ever in and feeling? if so…what is it?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am always set apart.

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