The Golden Rules of Freedom – No. 3

golden 3


Dangled by the cruel mistress that is Eternal Hope, the possibility of change, the prospect of alteration and the desire to be there when it happens is a key manifestation of the emotional thinking that keeps a victim ensnared to the narcissist.

There can be no change.

The Lesser Narcissist has no idea what he or she is. Indeed, the Lesser invariably lacks any awareness of their behaviour being considered as ‘wrong’ by a third party. This is how it must be, because from the Narcissistic Perspective, the Lesser is doing what is right for her or him and it matters not the consequences for anybody else. The Lesser’s utter lack of any form of empathy also means that the blindness is so total that change cannot and will not happen. The Lesser will bulldoze through life, the proverbial wrecking ball, causing damage and chaos but seeing nothing wrong with doing so. He or she cannot understand why you are so upset, he or she knows that you deserved that beating and there is nothing wrong with them. The re-appearance of the Golden Period (or more usually since it is a Lesser – the Bronze Period) provides the victim with hope that the worst is over, that the narcissist has taken heed of your tear-filled pleading and look, it has happened, there is change.

This is not a permanent change. It is just part of the ongoing manipulation (and therefore there is no change) but it will give you false hope. It will stop you escaping the narcissist, it will encourage you to keep trying, to maintaining the belief that something can be done so that the narcissist interacts with you in a less hurtful and more benign way. Soon enough the devaluation will appear again – no matter where you sit in the fuel matrix – and you will cling on, trying various methods to bring back that respite period once more or the return to the Golden/Bronze Period. You did not effect that change, the narcissist did it because it suited him or her to do so. They chose because they must always control and it is because of this constant need for control that change cannot and must not happen.

The Mid-Range Narcissist is the member of the brethren who uses the prospect of change to a better way, a happier way, a healthier way more than any other school. It is a repeated protestation (see But I Can Change ) . With no emotional empathy, but usually a degree of (fake) cognitive empathy, the Mid Range Narcissist will choose to make some improvements in his or her behaviour. Sometimes it is the re-appearance of the Golden Period (as explained above) which gives the appearance of change,  but it is merely part of the ongoing manipulation that forms part of the narcissistic dynamic. In other instances there will be a temporary alteration in behaviours (usually as a consequence of being part of a Preventative Hoover). This again is just part of the manipulation and is only done to enable the narcissist to exert control over the victim once again and ensure that the Prime Aims are met. Once that control is achieved (i.e. the escape is stopped) or another appliance is obtained to recruit the non-compliant/less compliant one – the supposed change in behaviour will end.

Often a combination of this form of manipulation and the effect of emotional thinking causes the victim to believe that long-lasting change has been effected. It has not. The Mid Ranger, with a higher cognitive function and more application may well attend therapy, may well seek treatment for drinking, may well start helping out more around the house and with the children but it will not last and is only being done to ensure the narcissist’s needs, primarily fuel, are being met. Similar to the Lesser, the Mid Range does not regard his or her behaviour as the problem. Yes, they will have sufficient cognitive function to recognise that their behaviour is viewed as problematic by third parties (hence why the Mid Ranger relies so heavily on maintaining the facade – ‘keeping up appearances’) but they are incapable of ever accepting culpability, liability or blame for their actions.

Accordingly, the alteration in behaviour will only ever be temporary. This is because it is driven not by a recognition that the Mid Range Narcissist is at fault (the narcissism blinds the Mid Ranger to it ever being his or her fault) but is driven purely by getting what the narcissist wants and needs. Once those needs are met, the supposed change stops. Thus, this is why there cannot be change.

You might think “Aha, well if I keep the narcissist thinking that he is going to lose me, then he will modify his behaviours all of the time to keep me.” Nice try. Firstly, you will not be capable of sustaining such an environment. You will find it too draining and too difficult to keep gauging how you should treat us, not to mention that behaving this way runs contrary to your empathic traits. However, the main reason this will not work is because the narcissist will eventually regard you as not complying and look to replace you for a model which is functioning more effectively.  You will be changed, the narcissist will not.

The vast majority of our brethren are Lesser or Mid Range Narcissists and therefore recognising and accepting that there will be no change, conquering your emotional thinking which tries to convince you that you are witnessing change, that it can be achieved, that more effort from you and so forth, are central to this golden rule. There will be no change. Accept that and stop applying your energies to trying to achieve that which cannot be achieved. Anything which tells you to the contrary is emotional thinking.

As for those who claimed to have changed our kind. Mistaken or liars.

As for those who claim to be of our kind and to have changed. Mistaken or liars.

There may be someone who is narcissistic who has altered their behaviours, but they were not a narcissist. The narcissist will not change.

What of the much rarer Greater? Our heightened awareness means that of all the schools we possess the potential for modification, but not wholesale change. There can be no wholesale change because this is what we are, this is how we have been designed and created. Certain elements that you wish to see as a consequence of change are just not there and never will be. You cannot inject emotional empathy into us. We function so effectively, why alter a winning combination? Why take an unnecessary risk? There is no compelling reason to do so. Might we modify? Potentially yes, but once again the overriding need of our narcissism is such that we regard doing so as an unnecessary alteration to our power, a shift in control which is not required. Like the Mid Ranger, we will implement temporary change to achieve our aims, but this is done as an act of largesse and not as a pleading, snivelling last ditch attempt to halt you leaving. You will be grateful for our magnanimous gesture of reigning in our malice – albeit it will only be for so long as we need to and then normal service will be resumed.

The Lesser and Mid-Range cannot change. The Greater may modify, but sees no compelling reason to do so.

There will be no change.

Understand this. Accept this. Apply it and this will advance you further to your freedom and release you from the yoke of false hope that change might happen.

19 thoughts on “The Golden Rules of Freedom – No. 3

  1. Lou says:

    I have hoped, in the past, that some of my narcs would change or realize that their behaviors were hurtful. It has been many years I have given up that hope. What I have always hoped for, however, and I guess I still do, is for me to become numb or strong enough to not be affected by their behavior. I think I have hoped more for this than for them to change.
    I guess this is what pushes someone to develop NPD. They stop hoping and become numb and superficially strong (strong as long as they drink the magic potion).

  2. Twilight says:

    I never asked or expected him to change, just be himself.

    How can one expect or even hope for change in another, change only comes when a person sees a reason to do such.

  3. Anna Belle Black💙 says:

    I’ve must come out of the shadows for this one HG.

    This part about mistaken or a liar specifically.

    I view this in a couple of different ways and I know others do too.

    It depends on how you apply the terms, Narcissist or Narcissistic. Narcissism is on a scale. Not in such black or white thinking that you exhibit (as you have full blown NPD/Sociopath traits).

    Everyone is narcissistic to a degree. What constitutes the level of narcissism? You have defined it in less/mid/great. All being narcissists with various levels of narcissism.

    However, if one is raised with a NPD parent/s they will learn how to act narcissistic. It will vary in degrees. Perhaps as a Y.A. they were exhibiting a high level of narcissism. According to your writings this would push them into one of your categories of less/mid/great. Then say they age a bit and dial back the narcissism. They may fall out of a narcissist category as you say L/M/G. They still exhibit narcissism but not to a degree of constant NPD. This shows a change. They have gone from full blown narcissistic traits to a lesser presentation of those traits.

    I understand your point of view and agree with you if you mean from a full blown Narcissist stance.

    I just thought it important to add that people can be dealing with a person who exhibits higher narcissistic traits and could dial back those traits if they seek to change. Narcissistic tendencies being on a sliding scale.

    I think this raises the question of how do you know if this is a person who is exhibiting high narcissistic tendencies or actually is a full blown NPD sufferer? (You of course don’t suffer I know, but for conversations sake…) you have tried to show the difference, but I don’t think everyone comprehends that.

    I think that this is where the empath or codependent hopes and wishes (emotional thinking) that this person they are with will do abc and better the relationship. They may think “If they could just learn to dial that behavior back then I would stay or I would be okay with him/her.”

    Of course we know that it’s not happening if the narcissist is not aware that they are one or if they do not want to change what works for them.

    The bottom line is to GOSO. As you have consistently advised.

    I’d appreciate your thoughts please and thanks.


    1. Julie Petkovska says:

      Hi ABB,

      HG’s work can be applied to High N Traits, just remember the empathy part, they lack empathy but they still have it, they dont respect your boundaries and will push them as far as they can, however they want to appear fair and reasonable to keep the facade, so you will get some of your way. They also want what they want, their needs will come first. they can still use guilt and your people pleasing traits against you, as they know you will back down in order to make them happy. They wont exhibit the level that HG or my NPD mother will use. But they still can control parts of you, if you allow it

      This is what I do…Water it down and try to pick parts that resonate to your experiences and do your research and then apply it, to lovers, friends, co workers, family, you will be surprised what or who you find in your circle.

      NPD people cannot change, If you can get what you want without feeling guilt or remorse, if you don’t care why would you change? You are what stops an empath, doesn’t stop them. I see his point of view and understand it.

      His theory can be universally applied, which if you are trying to figure out who you are and who you are also surrounded by is really important.

      I have actually found out who I am more from his work than anything else as he isn’t afraid to get dirty : )

      Just my humble opinion ABB and HG

      1. Anna Belle Black💙 says:

        Thank you for your opinion.

    2. MLA - Clarece says:

      HI ABB! Nice contribution!!

      1. Anna Belle Black💙 says:

        You are welcome. Too bad my narcissism gets the better of me and I expect what I asked for, which was a response from the author. Of course with that said, I will never get one. That’s why I don’t contribute anymore. I will learn my lesson yet.

  4. Perse Jumped Into The Fire says:

    The N requires us to change much about ourselves during our entanglement, so that the Empath thinks the N can and will change also.
    We mistakenly believe that others think and feel as we do.
    Not that the narcissist will ever disabuse us of this notion.

    Excellent series of articles.
    Looking forward to more of them.

  5. Olivia says:

    HG I have heard that narcissists don’t have object constancy. Do you agree with this? Have you ever written about it?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I agree. I have.

    2. K says:

      here is an article about object constancy.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Thank you K, my resident librarian.

      2. K says:

        You are welcome, HG, and thanks for the laugh!

  6. W says:

    It’s from Street Angel House Devil (the pic). It’s beautiful may I use it

  7. W says:

    Offtopic- saw a clip art pic of an angel embracing with a devil at the top of one of your posts but can’t find it, I love it, do you recall which post? And can I use it at all w/ credit or?

    1. Lou says:

      The errors of the ignorant no 1

  8. Caroline says:

    Interesting. Begs the question, HG:

    If you deal with a narcissist who calmly listens to occasional concerns about some aspect of the relationship… and always responds with an “I’ll consider it” authoritative reply — and often *does* make the change requested (in grand fashion, AND you better ooze gratitude, or it’s promptly removed) — or plays it like it was *their* idea later (still makes the change, however temporarily)… is it pretty certain this narcissist is a Greater?

    (Yes, I know, I know… but I am on point with the topic at hand).

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, MMT and UMR may do this.

      1. Caroline says:

        Thank you, HG. I understand.

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