What Happens When You Tell The Narcissist He Is An Abuser



Next to nobody knows that they have been ensnared by a narcissist the first time that it happens. Indeed, in some cases the victim has no awareness until the second, third or even fourth occasion when this happens. The awakening moment usually occurs post-escape or more usually post-disengagement. This means that the opportunity to express this new found knowledge is reduced ; either because you are now maintaining no contact or the narcissist has disappeared (for the time being) with a new victim in his or her grip. Accordingly, the opportunity to confront the narcissist to tell them that he or she is a narcissist is reduced and I have written separately about what the resultant effect is where you declare ‘No! You Are The Narcissist’.

What is more likely to happen is that the victim recognises that they are being abused or if they do not use that word, they do at least realise that the way they are being treated in a way which is wrong, unpleasant or disrespectful. There are of course a whole host of reasons why the victim may fail to recognise what is happening to them and indeed act on any awareness that does occur, but those are points to address in a separate article.

If you realise that you are being abused, what will happen when you turn to the abusive narcissist and tell them that are an abuser and that they are engaging in abusive behaviour with you.

The Lesser Narcissist

The Lesser Narcissist will not deny the behaviour that you complain of. The Lesser tends to use physical violence, sexual violence, verbal violence and property destruction as the main methods of implementing abuse and exerting control. This is because the Lesser operates in a rudimentary fashion through the sudden explosion of heated fury. Make a point to a Lesser that he or she does not like, you can expect, as a minimum to be treated to the eloquent response of “fuck off”, a punch to the face or quite possibly both. Unrefined, vulgar and crass, the response of the Lesser to being wounded or the need to exert control is to lash out in a bullying and obvious manner.

Should you tell a Lesser Narcissist that he or she is an abuser, you will generate two responses which are similar in nature. If you make this allegation in a neutral manner (thus free of fuel) it will wound the Lesser because he realises that it is critical of his behaviour and therefore this wounding will result in an ignition of fury. Thus heated fury follows and you will find yourself on the receiving end of the types of violence which I have described above.

More likely, when you tell the Lesser Narcissist that he is an abuser, you will do so in a way which provides Challenge Fuel. You will probably be upset, hurt, frustrated or angry when you level this accusation at the Lesser Narcissist. This means you are providing fuel. Nevertheless, the Lesser Narcissist will interpret your allegation as one which is challenging his or her entitlement to treat you precisely as he or she sees fit. Remember, in our eyes, you are an object, a possession and we are entitled to treat you as we want. Do not forget that we have a huge need to control and abuse is a significant method of control. Again, in our world, the need to maintain control and the fact that abuse facilitates control results in its validation. Finally, add into the mix that the Lesser has no empathy whatsoever. Your challenging of our perceived right, the challenge to our entitlement, the paranoia-stoked rebellion to our necessary control means that if you scream at the Lesser Narcissist that he is a hateful, abusive bastard means you issue Challenge Fuel. His response will be

a. He instinctively recognises there is more fuel to be obtained here and therefore the simplest way to gather that precious fuel is to provoke you; and

b. You are challenging his superiority and your insurrection must be quashed.

Since the Lesser operates in a rudimentary fashion, his or response will be to give you another dose of the abusive behaviour to ‘get you back into line’.  The Lesser never explains, never justifies – he or she just does because he or she is entitled to do this and if you do not like it, tough shit. In the same way that a Lesser will state an opinion and all who disagree are automatically labelled as idiots and morons (without explaining why they are), the Lesser responds in an automatic and knee-jerk manner based on their unwavering belief that they are right and entitled.

The Lesser does not recognise that this behaviour is wrong. It is your fault. You deserve this behaviour. He or she cannot empathise with your pain and hurt, instead he or she will only see the need to increase it in order to exert control and gain more fuel. The Lesser does not actually address the allegation in any way which you recognise as dealing with it, but instead will launch a verbal attack against you to deflect from your allegation, to put you in your place and to increase your misery. A fist will be driven into your face or your will be shoved to the floor and given two swift kicks. You ought to know your place and that is one of submission. If you tell a Lesser Narcissist that he or she is an abuser, expect an aggressive response designed to quell your rebellious accusation.

The Mid Range Narcissist will adopt a defensive response to any accusation of him or her being an abuser. Just like the Lesser, the manner in which you make the allegation will either cause wounding or (more often) the provision of Challenge Fuel. Being far more passive aggressive in nature, the Mid Range Narcissist will not lash out with a “more of the same is good for you” attitude that the Lesser adopts, but rather they will continue the abusive behaviour through defending their reputation and justifying their behaviour. This operates as follows :-

  1. “I am not an abuser, how can you say that?” The Mid Range Narcissist believes that he or she is a decent person. That is their true perspective and therefore it just does not ‘compute’ that they could be labelled as an abuser because it does not accord with their own view of themselves. There is no insight. Further, not only has the comment offended their view of themselves, but it also offends their view that they have always been ‘good’ to you, when you are asked how you can say that.
  2. “I know you get upset with me at times but that is because you over react.” The key response of the Mid Range Narcissist to being accused of abusive behaviour is to automatically blame-shift. Notice how they do not deny that the act has happened but rather it is your response which is the key to the Mid Ranger being able to avoid any culpability. It is again your fault. Whereas the Lesser lets you know that it is your fault just because it is, the Mid Ranger will at least tell you why it is your fault

“You are too sensitive.”

“You take too much to heart.”

“Don’t be silly, you read too much into things.”

Thus the narcissist dilutes the effect of the behaviour by suggesting it is the perspective of the victim which is the problem and not the narcissist.

3. If the Mid Range Narcissist does not suggest that it is the perspective of the victim that is the issue, then they will blame-shift in a further way by glossing over the abusive behaviour and instead focusing on the victim as being the catalyst for the abuse and therefore it cannot be the fault of the Mid Ranger. He or she does not necessarily deny that the behaviour has taken place, but their automatic need to maintain the upper hand means that their perspective ensures that the victim is the one who is blamed. Accordingly,

“I know you get upset when I do not speak to you, but if you let me have some peace and quiet rather than nagging me all of the time, I would not have to do it.”

“I slapped you because you were out of order shouting at me the way you did, that is no way to talk to your husband.”

4. The Mid Ranger also deflects by ignoring the abusive behaviour (again not denying it has taken place) but removes any validity of the accusation by deflecting and does so by pointing out all of the good things that the Mid Ranger does for the victim. There is also a good dose of projection in these responses too.

“I cannot believe you pick on one minor incident where I lost my temper after all of the things I have done for you recently.”

“I find it a bit much for you to accuse me of such behaviour when I have been working my nuts off to provide for this household. That really is not fair. Do you know how much pressure I have been under as of late?”

“I said those things because they are true and you don’t appreciate anything I do for you, nothing at all. You always seize on the one thing which I apparently do wrong and castigate me for it whilst you ignore all of the really good things that I do. How is that fair?”

5. The False Mea Culpa. The Mid Range Narcissist may well acknowledge that what they have done is unpleasant and hurtful and rather than blame-shift on to the victim as described above, they transfer culpability to something else.

“I don’t know what came over me, I think someone must have spiked my drink.”

“I have no idea why I did that, it must be all the pressure at work.”

“That’s not me that does that, it is like, it is like there is some demon or something which takes over from time to time. I need some help, will you help me?”

“I know there is something wrong with me, I just cannot help it, it isn’t the real me, I want to stop it, I will see someone about it and together we can conquer it.”

Notice how there is no accountability, it is some other ‘force’ or event which has caused the aberrant behaviour. The Mid Range Narcissist also deflects from what they have done by making it all about them in terms of them being a tortured soul, needing help, needing the support of the victim. This apparent contrition not only regularly cons the victim (because it is not genuine but is just a further manipulation) but it also results in plenty of fuel for the Mid Range Narcissist as he is “fussed” over by the victim and third parties.

The bottom line with the Mid Range Narcissist is that they will never accept they are an abuser. They are not programmed to do that as they have no emotional empathy. They might understand how their conduct is considered as ‘wrong’ by you and other people, because of their increased cognitive function but their disorder will not allow them to accept accountability for it. If they did, they would lose control and lose fuel and therefore they are automatically conditioned to reject any suggestion of culpability or accountability for the abuse.

The victim will be suckered into thinking either it is their fault (they over-reacted, they have been getting on the Mid Ranger’s back more recently (yes, with justification but they are dissuaded from seeing it that way) or that the Mid Ranger recognises and accepts they have abused the victim. Typically, rather than get away having (apparently) secured the truth (as a truth seeker) the victim stays in the hope of securing the healing of the abuser which they long for (alongside all of the other reasons why a victim remains with an abusive narcissist).

The Mid Ranger will maintain the façade that he or she is a good person, blame-shift and then if necessary created waves of sympathy for their behaviour whilst still not accepting they are to blame for it.

The Greater Narcissist knows the behaviour is abusive and sees it as entirely necessary to the fulfilment of his or her aims, namely control, and The Prime Aims. The Greater Narcissist also lacking emotional empathy, guilt or remorse sees what they do as a function. The Greater Narcissist knows what they are doing but the overriding need for control and superiority means that it is entirely acceptable to abuse.

Of course, the aware Greater Narcissist recognises that to make such an admission to the victim is a foolish one as this would cede control to the victim, something which must not happen. The Greater Narcissist adopts a triumvirate approach to any allegation that he or she is an abuser

  1. Total Rejection.
  2. Misperception.
  3. Threat

Through Total Rejection, the Greater Narcissist will just dismiss the allegation. Able to control his or her ignited fury with a far greater degree of control, the glacial Greater will just wave a hand and tell the victim

“That’s not abuse, punching somebody is abusive, what I did, is not abuse.”

“Don’t be so silly, I do not abuse you. Does an abuser take someone to the premiere of the new Bond movie and the after performance party? No they do not.”

The Greater is able to do this because he or she control their ignited fury, the fact that they speak and operate with a supreme confidence and conviction and because the nature of the abuse doled out by the Greater is done in such a calculated, insidious and mind-fucking manner that the victim (with eroded self-worth and reduced critical thinking) is easily led to the conclusion that it cannot be abuse. The Greater acts with plausible deniability. There are no marks from the kick to the lower back that a Lesser would leave. No finger tip bruising from the Mid Range hand about the neck. No witnesses, no observers, no evidence. Your word versus ours.

Misperception is also used. Greaters enjoy gas lighting you as the finesse and skill required appeals to our more sophisticated approach to abuse. Of course whilst we see this as an almost noble way to abuse you, it remain abuse nevertheless.

“Don’t be silly darling, that never happened.”

“We must get you back to the doctors, you are hallucinating again.”

“I told you not to mix that medication and vodka, see what it has done? It has you thinking horrible things about you and me.”

Events never happened, actions have been perceived by you inaccurately. Throw in the game-playing of our Coterie and our Lieutenants and you will find yourself in a dizzying and disorientating nightmare where the abuse never did happen because of your mistaken perception.

Finally, threat will be used. Here, the ever confident Greater will admit that the abuse has happened but makes it very clear with an accompanying reptilian smile that if you ever breath a word of it to anybody else then the resulting repercussions will be a hundred times worse than what you have experienced before. The jet-black eyes fixed on you and the steady delivery of such a threat readily convinces you that this is the case. Having experienced the abuse and also being well-aware of what the Greater is capable of, the Greater’s admission gets you no further forward. Instead, you may think you have gained some power through achieving this admission, but you actually have a sword of Damocles hanging over your head now, reminding you of the threat attached to acquiring this power. In reality, it is not power at all.

With regard to the issue of abuse, it is pointless to try and gain acknowledgement from the abuser. You will not receive validation and instead you will face further abuse and manipulation.

If you require validation as to what is happening to you, rely on your gut instinct and read Manipulated, Devil’s Toolkit and Black Flag as within those pages you will find all the confirmation you require which will give you the logic to move to the next stage of countering and escaping that abuse,

60 thoughts on “What Happens When You Tell The Narcissist He Is An Abuser

  1. Sharon Marinucci says:

    Hg,Thank You Also You Have Given Me A New HOPE ,New WILL , !! CALLED OUT MY MALE NARCISSIST FRIEND A Month Ago , Basely Let Him Know That I Know What He Is , Why He Stayed 4Years In My Life ,,WHY Me ,How Vicious He Has Been , Sarcastic His Words. Are , ,&How I Will Not Take Any More !!I Don’t Let Any Rude Remarks Go. By Any More. Hg.He Is A MID RANGE LESSER VERY MEAN TO EVERYONE, ! Hg, I Love HIM WHY? I Feel Sorry For Him..I have Been Preconditioned By My PARENTS To Take It ,Hg. Am I Going To Be Physically Hurt ?? He Has Started To Keep Some What Of A Distance ((Less Calling ,Less Coming To My Home )) But When He Leaves A Voice mail Saying He Be Here. at Such Time , ALWAYS 2 or More Hours Late ., Doesn’t Say I Love You Anymore ,, Instead Says SaSa!!! , HELP ‼

  2. Chosen says:

    Thank you for sharing. I know what it is like to be caught in the dizzying web of “if you only…”. Requiring you to make all the changes because you are assigned the role of the fundamental problem. It is a hard place to be. Having posts like yours helps others to see reality and untangle themselves from the reality constructed by their narcissist.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  3. I always love listening to this one, especially when you read the “eloquent response of ‘fuck off’ – I always laugh at that.

    I love your sense of humour – thank gods we see the best of you – thank you, Hg.

    Has your behaviour caused you trouble professionally?
    (I ask, peering from behind a marble pillar.. and at a distance of several meters..)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There have been incidents but they have always been surmounted.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        Have any of these “incidents” coincided with when your family did an intervention that you needed help because of your “frenzied behavior” (your words)?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, they haven’t.

    2. narc affair says:

      I have to admit ive been curious as to what led to your family intervening and getting you to go to a therapist HG.
      Was it the allegations of physical abuse that was untrue from the one girlfriend?
      Was it something to do with your fire obsession?
      Maybe something else?
      Was it one incident or many?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You will learn more about this in the fullness of time.

  4. narc affair says:

    I watched a documentary on acid attacks and it originated in the middle east. Its so prevalent there theyve passed a law where cleaning solvents can no longer contain that form of acid and as a result the number of cases has dropped there.
    In london katie piper a news anchor had an acid attack years ago and she also has a documentary on her attack and therapy.
    Its heartbreaking the stories and why anyone would do this to someone and ruin their lives.

  5. Mona says:

    I agree without criticism.

  6. nikitalondon says:

    WOW this is so true and so assertive as always.

  7. Anton says:

    As always, great insight, HG.

  8. All out of Fuel says:

    I often heard a frequent theme of….”You are not the only one that feels that way or that I do XYZ to…” For example….

    “You are not the only one this happens to. I forget EVERYONE’S birthday. I am so terrible at remembering the dates…”

    “I hate talking on the phone, it does not matter who it is, I just do not like it…”

    “I withdraw when I feel depressed. It is not just from you, it is from everyone…”

    He also threw apologies in there too. “I am sorry, I really am”. I started to notice a trend that when I flat out told him in an emotional manner that I was upset he would usually retaliate by arguing with me and as soon as I pointed out his contradictions he would say “enough of this please I cannot take it anymore” and he would just ignore me and not reply.

    Other times when I calmly stated “My feelings are hurt when you do (or don’t do) XYZ…” that he would then respond neutrally with the replies above by generalizing his behavior i.e. “I am like that with everyone, I do that to everyone not just you” etc. etc. etc. Oh and he always reminded me to “not take it personally”.

    Is this part of blame shifting even though he did not “blame” ME? Or is it more of a way to try and make me accept the behavior? i.e. “Oh he is like that with everyone so I shouldn’t take it personally”.


    1. K says:

      Excellent example of the Narcissists’t Twin Lines of Defence, Gabs.

      I see blame shifting (my memory is so bad), minimizing/gas lighting (You are not the only one this happens to, don’t take it personally), silent treatment (he would just ignore me and not reply), false contrition.

      You challenged him and he deployed the 2nd line of defence: Deflection and Distraction to acquire fuel and maintain superiority and control.

      1. K,
        After he said that I challenged him again and said “yeah well you never did XYZ before so I do not buy that excuse….”

        Him: “Well what do you want from me? What can I say that has not already been said again and again? I really am sorry okay?”

        I then became sarcastic with him and said “well at least you’re apologizing and not being rude like the last time we had a similar discussion…” (one of the prior times when I “challenged” him he became a bit testy and told me I was being delusional and selfish, etc.)

        His response to that was, “Well I do not like acting that way. I only act that way when I am pushed to my limits.”

        I guess that means he prefers to be silent. He can be nasty at times (very limited) but usually he is just avoidant and blames being “withdrawn and depressed”.

    2. K says:

      Gabs, he is blameless, whiter than white and you attacked his facade.
      you are challenge fuel and he needed to show you who’s the boss.

      More false contrition with a hint of pity play (Well, what do you want from me? I really am sorry okay)

      projection (you are being delusional and selfish)

      Blame shifting (Well I do not like acting that way. I only act that way when I am pushed to my limits.)

      avoidant and blames being “withdrawn and depressed”. (blame shifting and silent treatment)

      You will never win….trust me I have been there with my MMRN, just like you.

      1. Challenge Fuel says:

        “you are challenge fuel and he needed to show you who’s the boss.”

        Yeah pretty much. He raised my challenge with a silent treatment.

      2. K says:

        Gabs, it isn’t easy. The seduction, the hoovering and the ET all make it so difficult to escape and the betrayal and heartbreak is brutal. It is a nightmare when you really think about it.

        1. Did I mention that he invited me to the 2nd run of his show in June? This was after he said we should not see each other anymore and that he was ending our visits with one another. Yet he invited me to his show. Contradiction at it’s finest.

      3. K says:

        He wants your fuel, Gabs. Are you going to go?

        1. Challenge Fuel says:

          I am undecided. I have not said yes but I have not said no. Ideally it would be a lovely avenue for revenge, going to the show that is. But I remain undecided for the moment.

      4. Brian says:

        he is rejecting you……. but leaving an opening (inviting you to the show)
        pure manipulation!

        1. Challenge Fuel says:

          Yep definitely manipulation. And ever presence too. I have so many memories of that theater and it haunts my dreams. At the opening weekend of the first run of the show, (two years ago) was when I met him for the first time. A pivotal moment which he knows I’ll never forget. And after what transpired after the show that evening it’s not a surprise that he would contradict himself by extending the invite to me yet again. 🙄


          1. Brian says:

            I can imagine that being a powerful experience…and if you do go..the emotions will be overflowing

          2. Challenge Fuel says:

            Yup and he knows that too. Hence the invite. Diabolical of him isn’t it?

            He obviously has grand plans for me here.

            I did give plenty of challenge fuel after the invite was extended to me and said “I thought you never wanted to see me again?”

            Him: “Well I know how much you enjoyed the first run of the show so I wanted to invite you again.” I told him while that may be the case that he knows damn well there is more to it than that. His response was “you’re overthinking it”. 🙄

            I’m sure I will get my ass handed to me for saying this but I want to go. I know it’s a bad idea but I still want to be there. I want to kick him in the balls but I also want to run into his arms.

            The struggle is so real.

          3. MLA - Clarece says:

            But you won’t kick him in the balls Gabrielle. You will be putty in his hands just like the previous time you did get to see him and also I know you are looking at this invite as the last possible time you may get an invite from him since he blew off your birthday and you had hopeful expectations of hearing from him for that.
            So throw out the window that you think you are going to get revenge or one over on him. You want to size up his wife, watch them interact and hope for an exchange with him that will lead to alone time after the show.
            The best thing is for you to not go. Make other plans for that date. Start to turn the corner on making changes in your mindset concerning him and devoting so much time thinking about every line that has exited his mouth. You do have choices and options that don’t involve him for that date in June.

      5. Challenge Fuel says:

        “You want to size up his wife, watch them interact and hope for an exchange with him that will lead to alone time after the show.”

        Yes this is also part of it. More so the first two points rather than the last but still all of it is accurate.

        There are other reasons too.

        I remain undecided for now. Which is surprising the hell out of me as I really do want to go. I feel like Homer Simpson as my finger is hovering over that big red button and I am stuck inside the control pit while a frantic person is banging on the wall yelling “Don’t push the red button” but the word “don’t” keeps cutting out on the intercom system. And then “Don’t do it!” but the word “don’t” is cutting out so all I hear is “Push the button! Do it!” Thank you Simpsons references.

        As I said before, the struggle is real.

        1. K says:

          I understand; it is cognitive dissonance. I strongly recommend an audio/Skype consult with HG before the show in June. Even if you decide to go, please Skype with HG. You won’t regret it.

          Emotional thinking is very powerful and I understand that. I have no right to judge you or anyone else here.

    3. Sniglet says:


      Go to the show in June. But prepare yourself.
      Dress up sexy, but very classy. Hire a handsome escort if you don’t have a good looking male friend, and instruct him to pretend he is your boyfriend. Enjoy the show, then introduce your “new boyfriend” to piano man. Whatever you do, don’t drool all over piano man or his piano keys. Smile, make small talk, softly kiss your date on the list in front of the narc. Say goodbye, don’t look back and do No Contact~

      Good luck!

  9. EmP says:

    HG, in your opinion, are the phenomena of femicide and acid attacks related to narcissism? Would a Lesser, for example, think: “you belong to me and if I can’t have you then no one can”? Is that the ultimate form of control?
    Also, assuming they are related to narcissism, why such a sudden increase?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There would be a link. That is not to say all those who engage in such attacks are narcissists, but our kind will be well-represented.

      Why the increase in acid attacks? Is there statistical evidence to support that?

      1. EmP says:

        As to the (supposed) increase in acid attacks, according to the London Metropolitan Police, the attacks have almost doubled from 2015 to 2017. No idea about the rest of the world though!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Well, for instance, 1 in 2015 and then 2 in 2017 is doubling but could not be said to be exactly prevalent in a population of 8.7 million, so actual numbers of the attacks would be of greater assistance, if you happen to know.

      2. EmP says:

        I looked it up and the most comprehensive set of data on acid attacks in London paints an interesting picture..

        Apparently, the attacks went from 73 in 2012 to 469 in 2016 AND 67% of the victims were male.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          And as a percentage of assaults against the person, where do the number of acid attacks stand?

          1. MyMichelle says:

            My comment has been awaiting moderation for 4 days! Does someone not have a reply…? LOL

          2. HG Tudor says:

            See Rule 13.

      3. narc affair says:

        I find that odd that 67% of the victims were male. All the cases ive seen were female except one.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Those will be the cases the media prefers to select.

      4. EmP says:

        Firstly, it took me three hours to understand your question, and secondly, how about I forget about the “increase” part?
        Knowing that a significant percentage of the attackers are likely to be narcissists is enough! Thanks HG.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No problem. I was seeking context with regard to the other part of your query/comment.

      5. Samantha says:

        I was with a lesser narc for 3yrs I’ve moved house into a different county new job
        Iv had no contact in almost 8 months though I think about him almost every day.
        I dream most nights about him throwing acid over me and peeling my skin away until there’s nothing left.
        I’m not to sure why I keep having the same dream

  10. W says:

    HG – which school would do the following when confronted in a neutral, logical manner about a previous abuse?;

    “Don’t worry about it.” Silence, back to computer.

    When pressed, ;
    “I SAID, don’t worry about it.” (A bit irritated…followed by : )
    -” I was drunk.”

    when pressed, shut down again with :
    “Whatever.” and silence, back to the computer.

    (“Whatever” is his trademark phrase, so much so that when he was on my phone, his name showed as “Whatever”)

    If pushed, it would have been escalated with some anger, denial, deflection, blame shifting.)


  11. Witch says:

    How does the narcissist feel to being laughed at/mocked? A criticism being delivered in a humorous or sarcastic way? Is that challenge fuel?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It wounds.

      1. gabbanzobean says:

        Why would a mid range say things that would seem to indicate he wanted the “flow of fuel” to be stopped? For example…

        “Please stop telling me how you feel about me. I cannot hear it anymore. You need to stop telling me these things. Please.” That was often was said when I was giving him positives.

        If it was negative and we were fighting he would just say “Enough please. I cannot handle this today.”

        I thought your kind WANTED these reactions. I thought you wanted to see and/or hear emotions, positive or negative? So when he is he saying “please stop” is it done to get me to continue? Or does he actually want me to shut up, go away, fuck off and stop? Because I thought any fuel was always wanted fuel. Do you know what I mean? Why does he do/say those things and ask me to stop or say “enough please”?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          If you are providing positive fuel and thus Pure Fuel, it is done to stimulate the provision of further fuel and also to confuse you – why is he denying me a voice?

          If you are giving Challenge Fuel. This means there are two constituent parts :-

          1. You are already giving fuel. We may opt to obtain more, but it is not essential at that point because you have already provided some.
          2. The priority in such a situation is to assert superiority.

          The second point is achieved in a number of ways and one of those is to shut you down and deny you a further voice. Thus we might walk off, refuse to reply to a message, ignore a call back or tell you to shut up.

      2. Challenge Fuel says:

        HG….Re: your explanation…

        This strikes me something similar to “reverse psychology”…. saying the opposite of what you really want (more fuel) by saying you do not want it (i.e. enough of this please) so that you ultimately get what you want (more fuel).

        I assume this is also one of those “instinctive” responses as the mid does not know what he is?

        So if I was to “listen” to the “request” (aka: shut up and stop sharing how I feel) would that wound him? Even though he said to “stop telling me how you feel”?

        Yet if I was to ignore the request and continue would it aggravate him that his superiority wasn’t enforced? Or would the positive fuel make up for that?

        It seems like no matter what outcome is followed it is never the correct one.

  12. Olivia says:

    The jet-black eyes fixed on you and the steady delivery of such a threat readily convinces you that this is the case.

    Hg I remember reading that your eyes are blue. Have any of your exes ever told you your eyes were black? Do your eyes change colors when your fury shows? Can you please explain this to me. thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They have. They do.

    2. EmP says:

      The black-eye phenomenon is real and has a scientific explanation.
      When fury is ignited, the sympathetic nervous system gets activated and the body prepares to respond aggressively to a perceived threat. The blood gets diverted to the muscles and the pupils dilate SO MUCH that the eyes appear black.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        There we are, thank you for explaining EmP.

        1. EmP says:

          You are welcome HG.

  13. Star says:

    I think the Lesser too will also deflect and or make himself out to be the true victim saying things such as “ But did you ever stop for a moment to consider MY feelings? As to why I felt I needed to do that?no you don’t because you don’t care” Or “ No one ever understands me, no one understands that or is I who in fact suffered the true abuse.” Or “ people see what they think they see, they don’t know the whole story. They are stupid and fill your vulnerable brain with ideas because they are jealous .Maybe if they saw things from my perspective as to why they would stop making me out to always be the bad guy”

  14. Monet McIntyre says:

    My narcissist husband seems to be all three rolled into one .

    With mostly the first & last of the descriptions. , we kinda one , two skip a few in between .

    So , what would that technically label him as ?

    He was clinically diagnosed with
    ” Severe narcissistic personality disorder “.

    So therefore, I would naturally conclude that it makes him the worst of the worst. , W/ strong sociopathic & psychopathic tendencies .

    What say you ??? 😜😯😕✌💋

  15. Kat says:

    Wow. The narcissist I was with is a mid-ranger and she literally said almost everything you gave as examples. The bottom line that I think a lot of us have a hard time accepting/believing is that this person wouldn’t want to address and change the abusive behavior. But that’s the case. They would rather throw away a relationship with someone they know loves and adores them and is a good person and would do anything for them. None of that matters to them once you see behind their mask.

  16. MyMichelle says:

    I spray painted in blood color the word “PSYCHOPATH” over where it previously said “JB LOVES MB” in our shared bathroom. lol. He is definitely a lower lesser. Nothing happened so far…& I get to laugh every time I see it 🙂

    1. MyMichelle says:

      So now I have told my ex 4 times that “He is a narcissist/psychopath. 1 time in the above paragraph (PSYCHOPATH in blood-red 6in tall letters in the bathroom) & when he remarked ” I can never smell anything.” I looked him dead in the eye & said in an emotionless, flat tone, “That’s because you’re a psychopath. Google it. Its a proven fact.” Lol. He seemed to consider it for a moment & says “well…ok” like we’re discussing the weather. Totally accepting tone, agreed with me(for now, I guess) .No Fury. & still nothing about the word in our bathroom… Its been 2 months or so… 100% sure he is a lesser. I even made his contact photo Lee, the Lesser Narcissist in HG’s example. Then when he said “Nice pic of me” I told him that was him. And he & the guy in the pic have WAY more in common than he knew of… Still nothing… But I do wonder what the difference is in a lower lesser & a psychopath. He acts like a nasty, stupid, unorigional, violent, sadistic, forgetful, piece of s***, mean, alcoholic. I feel like I need to take a shower just from talking about him. Yuk! Also wanted to say, I LOVE U
      HG, U SAVED MY LIFE, 4 REAL!!!! 🙂 Before reading most everything you’d written, I prayed everyday to die. Every night I would ask God to please take me from this f***** up world, please don’t let me wake up….but now…..I can breathe. I can heal. I will make it. I am strong enough & I will not let this kill me. I hope 🙂

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Indeed, my information is life-saving, I have many e-mails thanking me along similar lines. You are welcome.

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