Little Acons – No. 47
7 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 47”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I told this to my therapist I live on Guilt and Pleasing . So much thinking and second guessing. child abuse/neglect/molest can keep you in a abused circle for decades . I hope self love will give me freedom one day ..
This guilt thing – is only working with empathic people. I suppose, that you HG, always felt some kind of defiance as a little child and never felt some kind of guilt or responsibility. Although my grandmother tried to teach my mother to feel responsible for some things, my mother never accepted it. There was no awareness for responsibility. I really do not want to know, what kind of narcissist my mother would have become, if she has had no loving environment. Thank God, that she had.
My guilt comes from my no contact from my brother and his family. I had to remove myself from the trio of my mum, him and i. It was too painful. Constantly being reminded of him being the golden child and myself the scapegoat. Never feeling good enough. The constant triangulation from him and my mother. Hed sabatoge any closeness my mum and i shared to prove he was number 1. I became riddled with anger, sadness, envy and i had to leave. Now its all my fault why our kids dont know one another and the family is broken. My no contact has made me a family destroyer. Im a bad daughter, sister and aunt bc i choose to not have toxicity in my life. I wash my hands of the guilt bc i never caused the underlying dysfunction that led me to disengage.
Yes, and that guilt is something I’ve been carrying around my whole life; it’s so deep it’s become a part of who I am. What is it really about? Guilt about never being good enough for a personality disordered parent? Guilt about growing up in a dysfunctional home where the toxic environment had to be hidden from the light of day at all costs and never to be spoken about? Guilt about not loving that parent?
Me too Catherine…
Hugs to you abrokenwing.
Halloj Catherine,
I can understand that that feeling of guilt is deep rooted.
These articles surely invite to self-reflection as you are doing it now.
Perhaps you have come to the realisation that there is really nothing to be guilty for? Guilt is an emotion. Emotion that arises from your belief that you had caused harm.
You were conditioned to believe so by making you believe that you have caused harm when you have not done that. Or perhaps constantly seeking for the approval of parents (as a child )but not matter how hard you tried it was never enough?
Where approval is seeked as a substitute of love from parents that did not give it but that they should have ( were unable to do it)?
As a child, you have no options, you have no other frames of reference than the ones you were given( parents) . So it is not your fault that you developed these strategies.
Enjoy the sun there you are, up here there is not much of it….yet.
Kramar