The Narcissist and U-Turns

 

THE NARCISSISTANDU-TURNS

 

Contradictions. About turns. Doing one thing and meaning another. Those are staple ingredients in becoming entangled with our type. Of course the Lesser and the Mid-Range of our kind do not see the contradictions. To them, their behaviour makes absolute sense even though when it is viewed from your perspective there is a clear contradiction in what has been said or done. This naturally frustrates, upsets and infuriates you as you attempt to make us see that you are correct and we are not. Or to make us see that we have behaved in a contradictory or hypocritical fashion. You will not succeed. The Lesser or the Mid-Range does not do this deliberately, it is just how they are. The Lesser reacts. The Mid-Range realises that denying and deflecting what you are trying to get him to see causes more upset and frustration and that makes him feel good. He does not know why this is, he does not know the concept of fuel, but he knows the more you react the better he feels. He also knows that he does not like to be held to account or to be seen to be the one who is to blame, for anything, thus he will not accept any suggestion of contradictory behaviour because it is inherent with such an accusation that there is blame attached. The Greater knows that to twist, to turn, to shift and to alter allows the emotional responses to flow and to become heightened. He knows that what he does is viewed as contradictory but he will not accept it. He must portray control and superiority at all times otherwise he will find himself damned. He revels in switching from one position to the other, within moments and then seeing if you dare to point out this shift in stance. Should you do so, he will deny and deflect in order to frustrate you, to upset you and to alarm you.

The use of volte faces is part of the process of gas lighting also. An insidious and effective method of controlling you, eroding your sense of perspective and forcing you ever backwards until ultimately you know nothing other than our warped truth, yours having been dispelled some time ago. Making you a stranger to your own reason is evidence both of our power and our abusive behaviour. Thus the use of contradictory behaviour, the volte face, is prevalent when we commence the devaluation. Here are five you may know well.

  1. The Joy Has Gone

We once showed such enthusiasm for Indian cuisine and would often try to find the latest and most exciting restaurant for us to both go to. It might have been the zealous delight we exhibited at the prospect of going hill-walking with you, or discussing the latest production at the local theatre. You loved how we connected over these shared interests. Of course it was all mirroring. We love what you love. Now there is no need to do it anymore. We care little for Indian cuisine but since you loved it so much, we decided to do so as well. Hill walking is tedious. The only thing we liked was being on top of the world. As for the theatre, if we have to sit through another obscure play we will explode. Still it was worth making you think we loved all those things as it made you easier to bind to us. Keep listing everything you think we have in common and I will pick that list down to nothing.

  1. The Compliments End

I embedded you as the supply of my positive fuel and you functioned well so you earned those further compliments. Now there is no need to provide them. Oh I am aware that you look even better than you did when we first met, that you are trying hard to tease the compliments for me in order to try to stave off that nagging fear that you are losing me, but it is to no avail. I know you are trying your best to please me, accommodate what I want but all I now look at is someone who irritates me. You see, if I had loved you like someone healthy, I would not feel like this now, but because I never did, there is nothing to prevent the feeling of contempt and annoyance which washes over me each time I see you. But where are the compliments? Somebody else has them now.

  1. A Sudden Realisation

Do you know something, I love my ex. I do. You have made me realise this. I thought I did not know what love was until I met you (I vaguely remember saying something like this to you some time ago) but come to think of it, I knew all along and it is my ex that I love. Not you. Thanks for the distraction whilst I worked things out. What? I said she was abusive and a psycho? No I did not. There you are, you have just proved to me why I cannot love someone like you. Good bye.

  1. But You Thought I Hated That

Why have I gone to that classical concert when I said to you that I could not stand classical music. I don’t recall saying that. Stop trying to tell me what I like and do not like. You are so controlling. I have always enjoyed reading books, where on earth did you get the idea from that I did not. Yes, I love strawberries, they are delicious and I love eating them, I never told you I was allergic to them. Stop making things up. You need some help. You keep twisting things around and I don’t like. it There you are. That is something I hate. What you do.

  1. The Sudden Complaints

Must we really go to your parents this weekend? So what if I have never complained about it before? That doesn’t matter. I am doing so now because I want to isolate you from them. I suspect they do not like me and I am not going to let them put ideas in your head, so they have gone on the black list and I will now issue complaints about seeing them in order to drive a wedge between you and them. The more isolated you become the better. I will start to complain regularly in order to stop you doing things and in order to upset you. That is the way I operate now. Don’t you dare complain about it.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “The Narcissist and U-Turns”

  1. What a beautifully vivid and painfully accurate portrayal. My adult children have succumed; now they too have become the minions and crows. They have turned away, they don’t want to see.

    I have been doused in gas and a match has been thrown. I am like a pile of ash waiting to be resurrected from the dead.

  2. I actually was accepting the devalue phase as a full time job.
    I once screen shot three valentines-day cards in his top desk drawer just to follow up on which one I personally would receive.
    It was the most dehumanizing, humiliating & paralyzing time of my life.
    The absolute rock bottom.

  3. Here’s a great example of this: at the beginning of a Super Hoover, he would be texting me all day and talking to me on the phone whenever we got the chance. Fast forward 6 months, he does a u-turn and says that he really hates texting and talking on the phone and it makes him hate himself, which is why he was never able to be in contact any more and never return text messages and, poor him, he wishes he could overcome this malady. In the words of (probably another narcissist) Al Franken, “Lies: And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.”

    1. Hypatia,

      This is the exact same bullshit that happened to me. In the beginning, phone calls that lasted HOURS. Texting intermittently all day.

      Later on….

      Me: “You never call me/talk to me anymore…”
      Him: “I hate talking on the phone!”
      Me: “We used to talk for hours on the phone!”
      Him: “Well I don’t know then. I am getting antisocial the older I get…”

      They all recycle their bullshit from the same narc textbook.

    2. Hypatia~ and he probably pulls up & shows his phone history to others to back his stories of YOUR paranoia & smothering. How he wants to not be victimized anymore..so worn out having to check in…please save me. Blah blah…pathetic twisty Narc.

  4. I remembered something today the two times he hovered me back after discard he said I can’t hate you kim. That’s pretty much admitting he hated me when he devalued and discarded me and I think I know why he hated me . Just like we want the golden period to return he wanted to be able to see me in the false idealized way he saw me during the golden period but he can’t because whatever image of me he created in his mind was never me he superimposed it on me and the actual real good qualities I do have he can’t see and never could see that’s why he can’t idealized me again no matter how hard he tries and this is where all the contradictions come in its so Frick in sad to realize this he can’t see my actual good points because he’s too busy being angry at me that his illusion glasses he wore that enabled him to see good qualities in me that I never had don’t work anymore and he’s blaming me for them not working

    1. Of course he’s blaming you, nothing is ever their fault. Now you know what you don’t want in a relationship.

  5. LOL U nailed it again, HG. Spot on. I am new at this, learning, soaking it in, but you all ready know this.

    Every paragraph, every sentence, every word . . . that’s been my life for 8 months. Heck, it is still very much in the forefront of my life. Honestly, its been my entire life. All my encounters (I no longer refer to them as romantic relationships) have been with narcs. But lessers or mids. I did not get involved, probably due to lack of intelligence. I rarely find a man who is more intelligent than me (perhaps I am a narc, but no Im an empath, no doubt). So I didnt engage wuth lessors or mids. Ah, but the Greaters. The nymph willingly and openly fell into submission. The roles I played, all of the world is a stage.

  6. The contradictions can come from one sentence to the next.

    It is infuriating because it undermines any type of supportive conversation.

    In fact any normal conversation with a lesser narc is near impossible.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.