The Devastation of the Illusion

the-devastation

You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.

For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.

You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.

That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to try to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.

You will always be in love with the person you thought I was.

111 thoughts on “The Devastation of the Illusion

  1. Pat says:

    Nope not me. I left & never looked back. I have no feelings for your sorry soul. Your the one who has all the crazy problems Thanks for the insight but no feelings here. Learned my lesson & moving on. Going no contact & enjoying my peaceful life!

  2. M says:

    This was the first post I read several months ago. I was looking for my father and there was my ex. I use to felt like a monster by that time, because he told me I hurt him so much he can never forgive me. I still don’t know what was that sooooo terrible thing but now finally I don’t care. The only thing I asked him to promise was he willl never say he was angry and don’t tell me why… just as my father do. And, well, he did.

    Your blog (and his leaving) was one of the most wonderful things of my 2017. Thanks.

  3. Mona says:

    Gabby, she cannot get out of that misery easily because of the two children. She now has huge problems to leave him. You still suffer because he let you down. It seems to be a little bit some kind of wounded vanity. (I do not want to hurt you, although I possibly do)
    I do not think that you really want him back. Be honest to yourself. She is not happy with him and you have all the opportunities to become happy without him. He fooled you and that hurts. And your dreams still fool you. He is not the man he pretended to be.

    1. Mona,

      “And your dreams still fool you. He is not the man he pretended to be.”

      He told me that “communicating with me” taints the “good father and good husband” he is trying to be. He then told me again that his feelings for me were only sexual (yet at the start he loved me and it was more than a fling). He then contradicted himself further saying he did not want to see me or be intimate with me anymore BUT that if he did it was purely physical and no indication of any other feelings.

      The above summarization along with his actions changes every few weeks.

      1. Tiffany Lin says:

        well described..i am going through it right now.

  4. RJ says:

    Morning Sun I re read the prime aims post and your answer too. Fuel and deception. The motivation is fuel and deception is the means to obtain it. I truly believe there was no point of view on her part because none was given. The only response I got was,” I just can’t”. The action carried out was devalue, discard and put on shelf for later. There are some people that just are not going to get/see it and say things like “see their point of view”. After finding this site it broke down what happens with the categories of narcissists when ensnared. My problem was trying to get a defined answer and her back. Should have just gone NC 100% at the time instead of eating the crumbs of hope thrown my way once in a while. I believe even to this day that after 20 plus years I still wouldn’t get one. If I ever was given the opportunity to get one I wouldn’t for the obvious reasons.

  5. Empress1 says:

    HG- funny! Sarabella- ‘They’ are the vampires of light and love! ‘They’ have none of their own- and wish to seek it, to suck it up, to breathe in that which they cannot have. Jealousy, often people wish to steal from others that which they, themselves cannot ‘own’ any other way but by theft! HG- explains that very well.

  6. Perse S. Frisky says:

    Of course, you’re very special!

    Otherwise, we would implement No Contact!
    LOL!

  7. Empress1 says:

    Ladies, remember – as HG says– you were ‘chosen’ because YOU are so bright, beautiful, loving, caring, kind, fun, exciting, gracious, amazing etc (fill in the blanks) YOU were chosen because YOU are special!! They are not- they want what you had— They sucked it out of you! Go grab it again! Go get a makeover (it does make you feel great) go buy a sexy new dress, go out! Smile– go grab your light back!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Er, I am very special thank you.

      1. sarabella says:

        hahahah! make sure you keep that special tap flowing to keep the mirror glowing because, because what if it dries up…. lol

      2. Twilight says:

        HG you are a rare find.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          True.

      3. ava101 says:

        HG, every time you answer in this way, you remind me of the exnarc who once answered me when I was enchanted by a little baby goat, and couldn’t understand why he was not, “I’m a baby goat, too!”

    2. sarabella says:

      When I first started to embark on this journey of understanding narcissism, someone wrote something similar and I just remember going WTF, if I am so all of that, light, then why not LOVE what you see, why try to break and destroy all of those things you just described? That is why it just never, ever made sense to me.

      But I listened enough to some friends who described me as beautiful, having this incredible energy, this light, even this aura about me and although my internal wounds don’t see that easily, I am learning to trust that it is there and visible. And that is why he came after me again. I know he was telling the truth once, before we really got mixed up together, that I was one of the few people who ever affected his life. I know its true. I need to believe it because I have hear variations of this from people. So yes, I am doing all of that right now in my life. Even going as far as correcting some physical things before I get too old to do it! And I must be doing something right because one woman I saw the other day looked at me and said I look really good for my age. As I unwinde the damage of the narcs who paraded through my life, I am also looking younger. Most think I am in my early 40’s when I am not. 🙂 Its never too late to give them back their dark shadows and be our light once again! 🙂

      1. Orginal Overthinker says:

        I have lost my light, spark, zest … I have aged so much in the last few months … I am mourning that as much as anything … I want out of this sadness … I just can’t seem to lift to get me back … You have made me that bit more hopeful … How long did it take you ? X x

        1. sarabella says:

          It took quite some time to get past the betrayal and total feeling of being psychologically raped. It took alot as old family stuff crept in, too. I am still processing it, but not even on the level I was and without even that much pain anymore. When I was smack in it, it felt like it was going to be my reality forever. I honestly thought it would never pass.

      2. narc affair says:

        Hi sarabella…your posts i find very motivational. Everything youve been thru and here you are on the other side and youre healing! Thats so encouraging and gives hope to those who feel theyll never survive or be themselves again.

        Original overthinker…i can relate to so much in your post. Hang onto posts like sarabellas that give strength and motivation. There are so many that have seized their power. Theyve decided to be a survivor. Youll get there 💓

      3. On My Journey says:

        That is so reminding me of me . I am in a better physical appearance than I have been in 15 years. I have changed my nutrition, lost weight, I glow – people literally tell me I glow. He is much older than me and yet I feel old with him. He tells me I have a fantastic body- that I look good- but I never feel it really with him.

        I feel old with him and feel young with other man. I can’t put my finger on it- might be all the other woman that he sees. i Feel there is always a tacit competition between the woman he sees.
        He never explicitely triangulates – but he does in many subtle ways using his devilish dimer to throw darkness on our light.

        I have not yet solve that one other by telling myself that his narcissist eyes on me does not change who I am in reality – that is just a narcissist looking at fuel – that does not want to be outshined tooo long .

  8. LisaB says:

    Please understand, the message here is not that you will always be in love with the narcissist who destroyed you and your world, who used you and your love to feed his own need, and who cared nothing for you. From reading some of the comments, I think that your inference is that you will always be in love with THAT person. And I understand the hurt and hate you feel toward the person he really is. But we only found out who they truly are after they had already shown us what we wanted to see, acted as though they loved us the way we had always wanted to be loved and made promises that we wanted to hear, but they would never keep. After we were hopelessly in love, the true demon began to show itself. We fell in love with the person they pretended to be, not the person they really are. Since I finally learned that IT WAS NOT REAL, it has been easier for me to separate my feelings into those for an illusion that will never be real, and those for the real person for whom I have only contempt. I’m working toward the NO IMPACT stage; it is slow going but getting better since maintaining no contact for over one year. I keep reminding myself that yes, I did love this person that I wanted him to be, but it was like being in love with an actor in a movie. He wasn’t real. He isn’t real. I will always love an illusion but thankfully I realize that. Thanks to the lessons learned from HG, which have been sometimes difficult but always real.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well put, yes it is about the innate susceptibility caused by the addiction, no matter how much it is reduced it never truly leaves and it does not mean the SAME narcissist as you have pointed out, but our kind as a whole.

      1. Lori says:

        Yep. It’s happened to me twice. I have been attracted to these types my entire life. I find others boring.

        HG you say that Super Empaths aren’t codependent but I really wonder about that. I have many Super Empath traits wanting to to play the game etc .. I often have wondered if I am a Narc as I have many narcissistic
        traits but I can and do have a lot of empathy other times little to none; but I have also been told I have codeoensency issues. Maybe that is because therepists don’t make the dinstinctions you do with empaths

        It’ is my belief that you cannot be with these people any length of time with being codependent to some degree. There me may be one off situations where narcs end up with non codependents but I think its rare. I believe if you end up with these people long term there is some damage in you that you may not be aware of.

        Water seeks its own level. Codependents and Narcs and go together like peanut butter and jelly. There is an indescribable familiarity between the two

        Do you think Super Empaths are not codependents? I would suggest they are. They are just a codependent with strong personality traits and they seek to control. The music plays and the dance begins

        1. sarabella says:

          How do you define codependent Lori? I find people use that word in odd ways and it was such a 80/90’s buzz word, I am not sure what people even mean by it.

          I think its true that we are not that different than narcs but we play out our similar wounds quite differently. But the difference is narcs are ok with their life for the most part. We want to be different, to grow, change, heal, dig into our inner world and move it all around. That is what makes it so different.

          What appealed to me about any of the narcs I have run into is that they are free of that burden of self-reflection. That is what appeals to me. Just being ok with who you are, bragging, boasting, finding nothing wrong with your way of life. Even though, everyone around you is falling down and staggering around from what they do, its the air of “fuck it all” that always catches me in the beginning. So many of them are so fucked up, and they just don’t care. That’s the appeal. I deal with that in my life, and I won’t be succeptible again to that kind.

      2. Lori says:

        It’s not a buzz word. Its a dysfunctional relationship with yourself. It’s seeking validation from outside yourself. Seeking to control thru too much giving. It’s failing to have appropriate boundaries.

        Have you had any professional counseling? It’s a word that often gets brought up with victims of Narcissism. If you are a victim of Narcissism you didn’t have appropriate boundaries. They carefully pick targets for a reason. A therapist sees it a mile offThey rarely pick people who don’t have boundary issues. That’s why Narcs and codependents are often symbiotic they both seek validation from outside their self. One has empathy and capacity to love one doesn’t but they both seek to control

        When this was initially brought to my attention I was offended which in and of itself should have told me someone struck a nerve. Cause they did and it ended up being true.

        1. sarabella says:

          I don’t agree about if one is a victim of a narcissist one didn’t have appropriate or good boundaries. Yes, I have been in therapy and yes, have heard how they use the word (never been applied to me in therapy though).

          I have heard many stories of women starting out strong and well boundaried but what happens to erode them happens over time. I believe in many cases that victims become many things they weren’t before they are victimized but that’s because of the process of victimization that it develops and the narc techniques used. I know many people who once they break free, describe going back to who they were and it was often not who they became. The whole point of what a narc does is to break boundaries. To break someone. Through all the seductions, lies and manipulations. Not everyone comes without them. I was very boundaried in the beginning, loved my life, until he started working me overtly and covertly. When I did the forensics, I saw it all.. sneaky and subtle stuff and then the quite overt stuff. All capitalizing on my other traits (trust, empathy, openness…) Brainwashing over time. I wish I were more interested in pleasing people…

      3. Lori says:

        You’ve heard many stories because that’s what they choose to believe and that’s fine but that doesn’t mean it’s true. I know this. I was once one of them.

        Boundaries and narcissists don’t go together. I always start out with appropriate boundaries most people do including the narc but if you continued to let an abusive person violate them then you have an issue with that. People with strong healthy boundaries walk at the first occurrence or at least the 2nd. They don’t hang around for to happen over and over and if you were with a narcissist awhile I guarantee it happened over and over.

        This is my reality. I choose to be real about it. I’m not suffering nearly to the degree I did round one which suggests I have made progress but I’m not all the way there or this wouldn’t have happened again. It just wouldn’t have

        They choose people they can manipulate. They do not choose people they can’t that’s just how it is

        1. sarabella says:

          I have read a whole lot about how cults work, how PUA works and more. Humans are not islands. Our needs and desires, no matter how solid we are, are always up for possible manipulation. In fact, entire nations can be manipulated into doing horrible things to others.

      4. narc affair says:

        Hi lori…ive read up a lot on codependancy and youre definition is exact.
        Ive had people get upset when i bring up codependant bc they feel im saying they deserved it or brought it on. They also feel bc they were independant financially and in other areas of their life they couldnt be codependant which is false.
        If you keep going back to abuse you are codependant on something youre getting from that person that you arent getting from yourself. Its not solely bc of your good hearted empathic nature. Its bc you have sacrificed your boundaries in exchange for what you are getting from the narcissist.
        Its a trade off. The whore blog comes to mind. We give up ourselves to get something from the narc that being their fake love. The narc prostitutes their facade to reel us in and take from us what they need. Both are codependants.

      5. Morning sun says:

        In my opinion, having strong boundaries means: a) being aware how other people behave towards us; b) knowing what behaviour is acceptable for us and what isn’t (and explicitly communicating that to them as necessary); and c) disengaging from the relationship when we experience repeated unacceptable behaviour that is not amended by our partner.

        Sure, smarter narcs make very subtle transgressions at first, and once you’ve agreed with A, it’s only a tiny step to agreeing with B and before you know it, you’re at G – where normally your boundaries would kick in at D and you’d dump the bastard. And yet, there is always this slight hesitation and moment of awareness in every concession we make. We just choose to ignore it because we either fear a negative reaction or desire a positive reaction from the narcissist.

      6. Lori says:

        you are welcome to have any opinion on this but I’m telling you what a narc has told you and what professional will tell you. The majority of those involved with narcs have codependency issues and if they a had a parent that was a narc the chances go higher.

        I manipulated him as often as he manipulated me.

        The only way you get out of this not becoming bitter is putting the focus back on me. This didn’t just happen to me. Not 3 freakin times. Nope. It happened because he sniffed out the empathy and the need for validation

        They donr just pick normal people unless they have made a misjudgement. They are not attracted to them

    2. Mona says:

      Lisa B, the susceptibility to this kind of man will low down or even vanish, if we solve your own problems which were caused in childhood. Perhaps we fall again, but we will disconnect from them much earlier. They are not interesting anymore if you know your own muster of love and change it. If you are aware of your own false belief system, you do not like them anymore. How many women found a better love after that entanglement? I know a lot. They are not here, because they found love again and this time real love. They are not interested in a discussion about narcs anymore. For them it is only a bitter past, they do not want to be remembered, if it is possible.
      I do not agree with HG. I know he truly believes it, but I doubt that it is the truth.

  9. Mona says:

    No. If I am honest, I saw the red flags very early. I only denied them because I loved his lovely words (some kind of addiction) and the things he did for me in the beginning. (very narcissistic, I know). And I denied the red flags too because he had some things, I wanted to have too. Therefore I thought it could be a good match (very materialistic, I know). We faked each other. Of course, it was some kind of a deal and an unspoken covenant. My inner contract with him was more honest and fair, because I have a conscience. But it was no unconditional love and that was good that way. (although there are some things, which I really loved at him)
    It did not protect me from emotional violence, but it protected me from a financial disaster. No, if my narc believes, that I am still in love with his illusion, I must disappoint him. In the end I saw through his faked world and nothing pleased me. I did not know, how much I spoke the truth (my truth), that I thought, that we would bore each other, if the relationship continues. It only should be mean, but after all, it was the truth. All the ups and downs, all the created illusions, which never came to life, all the lies about himself, it is boring. It does not make him more interesting, that he told me a lot of fantasies, which never came to realization. It did not make him more interesting that he told me “I can have each woman, I want.” Yes, maybe it was true, but what does it say about him? He is not able to connect in a normal way.
    I did not tell him, that his long monologues and stories (which he repeated again and again) bored me. I was too polite for that. I did not tell him, that I thought, how stupid he managed some problems, which could be easily solved. I always was too polite. This story would have ended much earlier, if would have been honest to him and to me.

    1. Challenge Fuel says:

      Mona,
      What you wrote has resonated with me. There were a shit ton of red flags in the beginning for me too. Mainly the 4 other people who came before me (in addition to his wife) and those were the 4 that I was told about….there may have been more. 3 of out of those 4 were random hook-ups though and the 4th, he was with for 18 months until he got caught. I knew all of this before I met him and continued a relationship with him. I too, found his words, his attention, charm, so called “love” and entire demeanor to be very addicting as well.

      Interesting thought about you being bored by long monologues and stories. I always found the stuff he said to be interesting but now when we have our occasional phone chat he is just very odd with some of the things he talks about. I am still hooked on his voice though and despite the oddity I can still talk to him (or listen) for hours. I analyze him way too much though.

      1. Caroline says:

        Gabby,

        To take your mind off piano recital guy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ltQGDOCP9I

        1. Caroline,
          I appreciate the thought but it will take a lot more than that!
          Sigh.

          1. Caroline says:

            I understand, Gabby…but you’re here, and you’re trying hard to come to grips with your addiction. XO!

      2. Mona says:

        Gabby, in the beginning the stories are wonderful and exciting. And naturally I thought I would take part in an interesting world. When I met him, my life was very boring, filled with duties and only a little bit
        fun. That was the door for him to come into my house. I led a boring life, although I was not made for a boring life. I had forgotten how to make my life interesting. He gave me the feeling, I could change a lot in my life. A way out of these duties. But after a while you find out that each of his stories are filled with lies. There is some honest core in it, the rest is a big lie. They boast with things, they never did or experienced. Gabby, it is a hard way, but learn to do good things for yourself. He is not necessary for your satisfaction. The addiction towards him come from your dreams.
        He only fed your dreams. Believe me, you only did not have enough time to see how boring he really is. And – to be true- it is not their task to make you happy. It is our task to make us happy and satisfied.
        You do not know, how much his wife hopes, that every thing is true, what he says. She is still in denial, otherwise she would not be pregnant. She would have cared a little bit more for herself. HG says, that narcs use pregnancy to bind someone. Despaired people do that sometimes too. They hope, that things would change then, because they have something in common with the narc. In reality they abuse the unborn child for their own purposes. It is bitter, but there is some truth in it.

        1. Mona,

          “The addiction towards him come from your dreams.
          He only fed your dreams. Believe me, you only did not have enough time to see how boring he really is.”

          OMG yes definitely this! The geographical distance has much to do with it. Someone here (I think it was Doc HQ and I have not seen her post in awhile)….she often said to me “if you were in a relationship with him you would chase him in the relationship because you would be so bored”…

          I guess I will never see how they can go from being exciting to being boring. I’d chastise his wife for not leaving but look at me, still pathetically attached. I am no different than she is. The only difference is she sees him every day, all the time and is carrying his 2nd baby. And I am on a shelf.

    2. sarabella says:

      Mona,

      Lots of familiar things. I was also honest but he was not. But I honestly would never have fallen for his words had I not had a previously old love for him. It only worked with me because of those old feelings.

      He too, projected he went after anyone he wanted and sounded like, he would get them in some way or another. However, take it with a grain of salt I learned over time. He goes after a specific KIND of woman. Even HG talks about identifying targets. So they have to have a particular personality type. Remove that type, no, he can’t have everyone he wants. He just looks for patterns, finds the ones that matches what he knows, goes after them, gets them and then creates in his head a fantasy that he can have anyone. But its not true. Its only the ones that match a profile. But this escapes these people.

      And it is boring. So what. You stuck your penis in hundreds of females. And so? Where is the learning, the growth, the loyalty, the long term sense of support and comfort in relatING? So much these men and women will never know of life because after a certain point, I think you really do damage yourself and that kind of living is next to impossible to revert. Its rare that hard core drug addicts ever lead a normal life again. And at the extreme of narcisissm, it operates so much like a hard core addiction. A very dependent life, if you ask me. That’s what is so ironic. While people like my narc and HG appear so ‘carefree’, free to come and go, the truth is that they are extremely dependent on other people, far more than I would ever be interested in being.

      You know, my conclusion at this point in my life, is that there is only in life unconditional love between a child and a loving (if she can) mother. Other than that, I don’t think unconditional love really exists much. Adults are always balancing the transactional part of relationships either overtly (sugar daddy cleary is buying his 20 something girl) or there is some other exchange that is more subtle. And it doesn’t have to be crass, but there is something going on I think. Some balance sheet. My narc told me that I didn’t accept him for who he was and made a reference to unconditional love once. But what a joke… the guy never loved any woman and certainly, not unconditional. He wanted what he could never nor would ever offer anyone. It was but one more narc trick.

      I think I would be bored, too. Its why the card he used to hoover me after 30 years worked because it seemed like it was the missing piece to the puzzle. Since he played that one out, exposed it for a lie, he has nothing else becuase he was and had nothing but those verbal games. He could only be real at this point and well, that just won’t happen cause there is nothing there in him that is real. If I thought I got lost in his mind games and labrinyth of manipulations and deceipt, what exactly is it like in his head? I think mabye greaters can keep track of the maze but others, no, I think they are in fact as lost inside their heads as they make the world outside of them for others to be lost in. There is no ‘order’ inside some of these people’s heads. Only someone fully aware and control has any order inside. I don’t think mine is a greater but has those qualities, he has some self awareness but I think he veers more towards being unconscious than conscious. And so what hell that must be to live in that head. Boring….

      1. Mona says:

        Sarabella, your comment nails it. Of course- he looks for a special kind of woman- who are susceptible for him. He scans his environment and he only chooses these women, where he has a chance. Therefore it looks like as if no woman could resist them.
        I coincidentally talked to a woman today, who said, she never liked him. And she said, that she knows four other women, who avoid him. And they experienced his dark side very early. They went to him for a special business and he boasted a lot about his abilities. They all trusted their guts, showed him that they were not interested and then he was extremely arrogant. He felt critised and not recognised. They all four did not like his false charme at the beginning of their conversation. I never saw this arrogance. I was a little bit surprised.
        These guys/narcs have a lot of faces and they adept so much to their environment until they have to break out. They lie so much too themselves and others, that they really do not know, who they are. You cannot, if you lie most of the time. They feel so special about themselves, that they do not see the whole truth.
        The greaters of them do all the lies intentionally to get what they want. But it never satisfies them. They know, there is nothing inside, no real personality. Yes, and they depend on people. Look at Trump, how many times does he change his opinion to please his followers?
        Every day a new surprise. Their instincts and their belief system dictate them to do all those things to be the winner at all costs, even against their own needs and all rationality. The world has to be the way they see it. The world is a product of their fantasies.

    3. Morning sun says:

      I hear you on the fantasies that were never realised and all the stories from his past that he kept regalling me with and I listened to politely but was intensely bored with by the end… It got the the point where I would start telling him about something that happened to me and he would cut in and start talking about his stuff. As luck would have it, I’m terrible at remembering other people’s stories, so for the longest time I was actually interested in the reiterations – he’s a good storyteller.

      It was funny though how some stories changed over time. There was one that he embellished at the beginning of our relationship to make him appear like some kind of superman. Four years later, he was apparently relaxed enough to tell me a more accurate version in which he played a much less glamorous role.

  10. Kensey says:

    Crayola water-based tips are marketed mostly to children
    – former art teacher Kensey😎

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hence why the crayon is mightier.

  11. Kensey says:

    “To be strong does not mean to sprout muscles and flex….
    It means to be able to learn, to be able to stand what we know.”
    ~ Pinkola Estes

    1. HG Tudor says:

      “To be the ultimate strength is to not run dry, like a felt tip.”
      – Crayola Ultimate Collection

      1. Ha ha!

      2. Jess says:

        I just recently found this page and must admit that I am thankful to you for writing it. It describes everything I have and am going through in a relationship that just ended. Funny thing is he accused me of being the narcissist! Guess he was just projecting (one of his favorite lines to tell me!) Most of my friends don’t understand how I can still love and hate him at the same time. Tbh, neither do I. I also cannot understand how I could let such a monster into my life as well as my children’s lives. I hope to one day be free! Free of the medication. Free of the therapy. Free of the hurt. FREE OF HIM!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Welcome on board Jess, read my work and apply it and you will be free.

          1. ANK says:

            I have an ear worm now – I want to break free by Queen, lol

      3. Caroline says:

        LOL, that’s so cuuuu…uh, funny.

      4. Joy4Life says:

        That’s so cute… quoting Crayola. I don’t understand how an illusion can be so cute, and also write with such a ‘nobility of heart’, as in your article above. There is so much I don’t understand. I wish that I could write like you do. You are blessed with such a talent, and yet, you cannot love. It would seem that your written expression containing such loveliness and rich elegance could come only from a heart of gold- a heart filled with passionate and tender love. There are mysteries everywhere.

    2. WhoCares says:

      Haha – I love Clarissa Pinkola Estes *almost* as much as I love Crayola!
      Kudos to both of you.

  12. RJ says:

    In a conversation with a friend about what happened years ago with my ex narc girl, he stated perhaps I should have tried and see things from her point of view. I said yeah I guess. Then I stated but you don’t know until it happens to you. After thinking about it, I can say I did try to see her point of view but when you get no rhyme nor reason it makes it difficult to see a point of view. A point of view should have substance, not deception and riddles you have to try and figure out to get a resolve. I really wish I could have gotten her point of view. Or do I?

    1. Morning sun says:

      If she is a narcissist, it’s pretty easy to get her point of view, or at least the underlying motivation – HG has explains it to a T in https://narcsite.com/2018/03/02/the-narcissists-prime-aims/.

      Whatever story she tells herself and/or others about why she does things the ways she does is both self- and other-deceptive.

  13. sarabella says:

    Its true, the person we thought you were. But as long as we keep saying over and over and over that what we felt actually had nothing to do with you and your kind, it does fade. The hurt for me went from soul crushing cold sucker punched pain, to just hurt, to this dull sense of hurt and grief. Still there, yes. The dullness of it is why I come back around as need be, becuase that dullness is also similar to what I now see as a lifetime of really loneliness. How I ever missed how lonely I was all this time (thank you dear family), is amazing to me. But as I work to heal the core loneliness, the core isolation, retrain my brain’s messages, you fade. And you won’t ever slip again through the cracks…. I had a life well before His Despicableness showed up, and I am almost fully back to that life. Not entirely but almost. This was a big run. 12 months of no communication. And it was my big hurdle. I had a moment of rage this past few days as I thought of the money I lent him went to his womanizing and almost in a daze, texted him in that moment of rage, but it passed. I got my money back, just the feeling of how out of control it was, how unfair, is what feeds the anger. But other than those moments, its just an ache now….

    As long as I know there are cracks, I can make sure nothing falls into them. And since he would never intiate any hoovering, its really up to me to control it now, to make sure he never gets near my life by doing something sad, like react out of anger and connect to him. That’s all I need to do remain silent through the rage. And it will pass and I will keep working on the healing.

    1. Lori says:

      Wrong. They always initiate hoovering. Rare is the case they don’t whether it’s weeks months or years

      1. sarabella says:

        Try 30 years. No he won’t. Not only is there geography (he is in another country), there are cultural issues and we wounded each other big time. He doesn’t have the courage to hoover. He played out his cards.

      2. Lori says:

        Sarabella

        You are being extremely naive. I had it happen after 15 years. Yep that happened.

        It is extremely rare they don’t if you were with them any length of time. If the Hoover execution criteria is met and you don’t have a talk no contact wall, he’s coming back I don’t care what continent he’s on. It will happen

        1. sarabella says:

          Lori,

          Don’t go down the route of trying to call me out for naivete. Spare me. And PLEASE READ. I was hoovered after 30 years. So…. don’t even think I don’t get the time involved. I am not in the mood for “A Narcissism Education One Upping Row” for my understanding of this shitty experience. He won’t and I know why and its nothing you would understand why, despite the general trends of narcisistic behavior.

          Plus, I am going to win this bet with HG.

      3. Insatiable Learner says:

        Hi Lori, I am with Sarabella on this one. The first narc I got entangled with briefly was 5 years ago. No word from him. I do not care as I am at zero impact with him. Trying to get to zero impact with the most recent narc. So it does happen quite often when narcs do not hoover.

        1. Caroline says:

          Insatiable Learner,

          Or you know what it might also be? That the narcissist is only hoovering the crap out of *one* of his exes. This is what I think has always been going on in my situation.

          I guess I’m taking one for the team. Ok then.

          Hey, All You Empathic Sisters of my Ex: I love you! You’re welcome!

        2. sarabella says:

          Actually, I think it would be GREAT if he hoovered me with a message. You know why? My own narc traits right now are sufficiently still active; they never entirely quieted after my major Super Nova Empath Explosion. And if he hoovered me, like via a message, I would turn it into my own fuel and use it just like HG and he uses it. I would take that energy back and use it to further build up my resolve. I would see that message and never, ever click it. I would look at it unread for the rest of my life. Yeah, so bring it on, I am up to the challenge. And I will take that fuel and use it further to propel me further into my art. I won’t ever deliberately put myself near him, like refriend the 60 mutual friends we have, nor ever email him or pretend to initiate any communication, no, I won’t go that far, but if he ever wants to go fishing with me, try to recycle me again, he will see. And I will let that green dot remain unread forever as my finall payback. Shame he won’t give me that opportunity. Well, I know he won’t hoover, but shame I won’t get it so that I can use him for fuel cause I know how it works…. But I won’t ever open a door for that opportunity. I am not so stupid anymore.

        3. sarabella says:

          JK… He can stay away…

      4. Lori says:

        Call you out? Wow we bit sensitive ? A narc has told you yet you tell him he’s wrong. I mean holy crap a Narc is telling you for crying out loud . Ya that’s naïveté sorry calling it what is

        Denial

        1. sarabella says:

          No, you missed some of what HG wrote in his writing on hoover criteria. And I am not in denial because of what YOU missed.

      5. Lori says:

        And btw Sarabella I have read countless materials on Narcissism and was in therapy. This wasn’t my first go round. I was with one many years ago who showed up 15 plus years later. You aren’t the only one that’s happened to. It happens all the time. If you choose not to believe it that’s your business but a narc had told you and a professional would tell you the same. It told a shrink he’s not coming back no way shrink. Said I’ll bet my reputation he does and yeah he did

        HG has told you if you choose not to listen that’s your business

        1. sarabella says:

          Not about choice in what i believe, but what you don’t get yourself about hoover criteria. Since you don’t know the story, you don’t know why none of the hoover criteria will be met. I do. And he won’t be back.

      6. narc affair says:

        Sarabella never say never. Narcissists are capable of anything and they can pop up at any time. My ex narc and i ended it 8 yrs ago and he still emails on and off and thats with me never replying. For all he knows i no longer have that email.

        1. sarabella says:

          Never day never would have been true 4 years ago when we were still dancing hard. But no, it won’t happen now for a number of very strong reasons. I am 100% sure of it. I will never meet the criteria for him to do so, ever.

      7. Lori says:

        I don’t know but you kinda sound like you are using reverse psychology in the hopes he does but I don’t know.

        For someone who is still in so much pain a year out I don’t know why you’d leave yourself open to it. Unless there are extenuating circumstances that you can’t

        Look I get.it I have had this happen 3 times twice with number 1 once with number 2. The fact that it has happened again says plenty about me in fact, more about me than him, but I have noticed I’m not nearly in the pile of ashes I was round 1. I can objectively see what my role was in it and what still needs addressing.

      8. sarabella says:

        No reverse psychology, even if it sounds like it to you. And I am not in pain. Just sadness at times and old grief, just regular human living sadness and grief but no pain. Much has little to do with him but is some is quite associated with him for fairly complex reasons. There are alot of racial and socio-economic reasons why he won’t hoover and I wouldn’t expect you to understand why this adds a significant difference to my story. He has no need for my fuel. It pales compared to what others offer him all the time. That’s the only part that remains, as that aspect is the only part of the story that worked for him to ever get to me in the first place but it’s quite complicated. And truly history. I am stronger than he knew. Its just all an old story of a young girl, put in the past where it always belonged and should habe stayed. Life goes on. If it weren’t for social media, it would never, ever have happened. That pretty much says it all. And with that gone between us, so too is all and any risk. Its that simple. Always was that simple.

    2. ANK says:

      I thought the hurt was fading, but back down to feeling punched in the gut again. Anxious and empty.

      You’re right Sarabella in that it is up to us to control, but that’s where I fall down. I need to distance myself in my mind, not think or ruminate, but it is sooooo difficult. I thought I had come to a point of acceptance of what he is and what he is doing, but I don’t what has a happened in the last couple of weeks to bring me crashing down.

      1. ColdAsIce says:

        ANK, I go back to the end. Kept a journal. Read the journal to get emotional clarity of what it was really like. Go back to logical thinking.

        Smetimes the farther away I get from him, the closer I get to wanting to see him again. Usually it happens when Im not taking care of my own loneliness, my needs, getting rest, etc.

        1. sarabella says:

          Yes, good points. I am at 12 months, so it makes sense that this is another sort of symbolic turning point and it does make some of the awe of what happened return. And it most definitely comes up when I don’t fill my time with things that are really important to me. I have my life filled out until June with fun things. So I plan my life around looking forward, not back anymore even though in some moments, it creeps back in, especially when I am aware that its been a whole year. I did it. And now, I move on to 2 years and then, I think with another year of filling my life with art, planning the second stage of my entire life, untangeling the effects of being raised by a Narc mother, he and those like him won’t matter anymore….

    3. narc affair says:

      Hi sarabella…best of luck! Youve done what so many struggle to do go no contact and face the inner core of lonliness! Youre stronger bc youre facing your fears and will gain total freedom 👍

      1. sarabella says:

        Yes, I made it past many things I never thought I would where he is concerned. I think that as I thought about what I write the past few days, that I am really at the point of acceptance. Accepting all of the lies, that he tricked me again, and more. Just acceptance that I was never worth anything to him in the end. Not a damn thing. Accept that for good and that will be the end. Total acceptance of the entire con.

  14. Catherine says:

    No medication here; no battered bank balance. Just this vast desert within. I’ve been so harmed; I’m so damaged and I never deserved that. I don’t know that I will always be in love with the person I thought he was. What I feel is not love anymore and to be in love with an illusion means that I never loved the real person for who he was anyway. Where I am at now though is at a place where the absence of the passion we shared isn’t the real issue anymore, instead it’s the emptiness of me that stretches as far as I can discern that troubles me and keeps me awake at night. It’s not a desert where flowers would grow if he suddenly were to become a part of it all again; for once now it’s time for me to plant those flowers by myself; nurture them and protect them; and I seem to have forgotten how to do that right now. There are better days and worse days; the emptiness prevails. I hate being this damaged. I don’t want him back; I want me back.

    1. Patricia J says:

      Time to search…for water for us all.

      1. Catherine says:

        Patricia J, you’re right. We need to find that water again.

    2. Caroline says:

      “If you were not cast into the abyss, you would have never groped, reached as far as you could reach, to grasp for anything that you could possibly touch – anything that you could possibly feel brushing against your fingertips. Funny how in the darkness, we come to find the things that we never saw before all the lights departed…It’s like someone needed to turn the lights out, to make us find all the things that we never looked for when the lights were on. And it’s in that blackness that we wake up to the true light. My friends, curse not the darkness! It has given you many things.”
      –C. JoyBell C.

      You’ll find what you’re looking for, Catherine. Be patient and gentle with yourself.

      And go out late at night — when the whole world is sleeping — and look up at the moon and the stars.

      XO,
      Caroline

      1. Catherine says:

        Caroline, you’re so sweet. Thank you, I needed to hear that today. It’s true that when we’re forced to find our way in darkness we’ll discover new things about ourselves that will not lead us only out of the abyss but will also enrich our lives henceforth. I’ll watch that sky and those stars. That’s freedom to be able to have a walk at night and remember how unique we all are in this universe. Hugs to you and thank you again!

        1. Caroline says:

          You’re so welcome, Catherine. XOXO.

    3. Lori says:

      You will be fine in time. It takes a lot of time. The average being around 18 months sometimes longer but a rough average.

      Ill say this again as a say to everyone if you were with them any length of time you likely have codepency issues. The damage was already there. He just shined a spor light on it

      In a way Narcs are a gift. They show you what wounds you need to heal. The Narcs are merely personified wounds that were already there

      1. Catherine says:

        Thank you Lori, that’s so kind of you. I’ve soon been rid of him for eight months now and I realise I have a long way to go with focusing on me, not on him anymore. I do have codependency issues; you’re completely right about that. Some days though I feel a bit like my old self again; happy, carefree, spirited and energetic; and then suddenly I’m surrounded with darkness again feeling tired, worn out, empty and lost; without my inner flame burning for me and for who I am. I think one of my problems is that I get restless and this restless voice inside of me keeps telling me I should be done with this now; I don’t miss him anymore so I should be able to happily move on. Since that’s not the case I’m stuck reflecting on it. We live in a fast moving world nowadays at a pace that’s not healthy and I think my frustration with the darkness within has a lot to do with that. I appreciate your thoughts on it. Thank you again.

      2. Lori says:

        Catherine

        I think if most victims were really honest with themselves they wlll see they have codependency issues.

        At first when you are told you have codependenxy issues it feels hurtful. It’s like wtf? There is nothing wrong with me! It’s him! Not me ! How dare someone blame me for this whackos crap! You feel like you are being attacked all over again at least I did but when I settled and really looked at myself yes, even though I came from a good family of non abusers I do in fact have codependency issues. Your parents don’t have to be abusers to have this happen. Children don’t come with instruction manuals. Sometimes a parent doesn’t realize a child needsore nurturing etc..

      3. ColdAsIce says:

        Thank you, Lori. I subconsciously wanted my ex to fill my void . . . my loneliness . . . my wounds . . . the damage I have of living my life with the majority being narcs. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

      4. Lori says:

        Cold as ice

        In many ways we are like them only we have the empathy the rest is very similar

      5. Catherine says:

        Lori, you’re right about the codependency. I come from a family of narcissistic abuse unfortunately, my mother and my grandmother before her both have these issues, but somehow I managed to not think about this in any constructive way until I got entangled in a grown up relationship with a narcissist and what’s probably a psychopath. All I’ve ever learned from my childhood is keeping the peace at all costs and handling all the drama because no one else would. But I do believe you’re right. You don’t need to have that kind of upbringing to be in an abusive relationship. Children are sensitive and hurt comes easily at an early age. It doesn’t matter that much how you became the person you are; it all comes down to who you are and where you’re at when you’re exposed.

    4. Ice Queen says:

      Catherine, I share your pain . . . I try to take all the Love, time, money, compassion, empathy that I once felt toward my illusive wanderer, turn it around and give myself what I would have wasted more on with him–love myself, spend my time with me and what I like to do, my money is MY MONEY, be gentle with myself (giving the compassion and empathy to me).
      It’s not easy as I default to always thinking of somebody else and their needs before my own.
      But I want me back. I liked the old me. I was as lot of fun to hang out with lol.
      I will heal. He never will . . . my imaginary love

      1. Catherine says:

        Thank you Ice Queen for your thoughts and for sharing how you feel. I agree that it’s important to be gentle with ourselves and treat ourselves to nice things now. We deserve it. We deserve to rediscover who we are and add all those things we’ve learned from this experience into making our future lives brighter again. It’s takes time and lots of energy, but it will be worth it in the end. Thank you!

    5. ANK says:

      Catherine,

      I feel the same, so damaged that I don’t think I will ever be in a relationship ever again. I can’t trust any man. always questioning their motives and what they are after. To be devastated a third time would kill me. It is hard enough as it is now. To the outside world it is as if everything is ok, and I go about doing what needs to be done at work, the pain hidden.

      The hardest part is knowing that I could not be with him because I could not trust him ever, but unable to let go. I know Gabby would understand this.

      May be he will leave the work a place soon and go away. I think only then will I be able to start letting go, of him at least, and then train my thoughts.

      I hope you do get you back. It may take some time though.

      1. Challenge Fuel says:

        “The hardest part is knowing that I could not be with him because I could not trust him ever, but unable to let go. I know Gabby would understand this.”

        Hi ANK, thanks for the shout out. I do understand this even though I still have not let go. I set myself back again yesterday by engaging in a phone call with him and telling him that I love him.

        I always repeat the following things over and over to myself:

        “Even IF he chose me and we were together he would just cheat on me too”

        and….

        “He has to be treating her like shit too. He HAS to be treating her like shit too”

        And now over the course of the last week, “He has to be treating her like shit too even though she is having another baby with him. He HAS to be treating her like shit too even though she is having another baby with him!”

        1. ANK says:

          Gabby I think of you and your situation often. What you say to yourself is exactly what I say to myself! It helps a little. Maybe I just need to keep saying it more often. 😘

        2. Narc Angel says:

          Challenge Fuel

          May I be so bold as to suggest for next week you add the following?

          There is no love. His only focus in having a child with her is in bonding her further to him for more abuse and adding to his fuel matrix by creating another victim in that child.

      2. Catherine says:

        Hello sweet ANK, I understand how you feel and you describe my darkness so accurately. I don’t know how to trust either, in my darkness I’m sometimes scared of never being able to trust again, and even though I think of dating again something in me recoils. I don’t know how to be vulnerable and trusting right now.

        I do hope that you can let go and that he will leave your work place; it must be horrible to be stuck with him there when what you need is to have no contact and not to have to see him anymore. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that he leaves and goes away so you can find some peace of mind and heart. Hugs!

      3. Lori says:

        You will be do fine but what you may find is that the normal guys seem boring after the infatuation passes. This happens with everyone but more so with codependents because we like the Narcs seek validation outside ourselves. So when Mr Normal comes calling it feels oh so good like a comfy pillow but then you realize there is nothing fix. No drama of coming back from the edge etc..nothing for you to save or change which helps you derive your self worth and it all begins to seem boring.

        Get involved in something a hobby a new goal something like that

    6. SMH says:

      Ah that’s so sad, Catherine. But you will be fine. I used to experience moments of complete euphoria realizing that I was involved in something so odd. What an experience! When I barely knew mine, I said to him, no matter what happens, I will always b grateful to you. It turned out to be true. I think we have to look at ourselves. Mine was a transitional object – the fact that he was so unemotional and superficial was like a haven for me for a long time. I was like a toddler clinging to him because I didn’t want to deal with the world. It’s only when I began to heal that I began to react to him. He did not change. I did. I’m glad we had what we had, and I’m also glad not to have it anymore (well, not at the moment, anyway), because it means I am healed from something that he wasn’t responsible for. He just happened to come along. He hasn’t been able to get me back because I broke the spell. I changed. For a long time, I felt like I would break too, but I didn’t. The world was grey but life is getting interesting again, just like it used to be. It will happen for you too!

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi smh…your post was very enlightening and i see a lot of similarities between our situations. That mustve been difficult to let go but it sounds like you were at that point in your journey. Is your narc completely out of your life?

        1. SMH says:

          Narc Affair,

          I am glad it helped. I don’t think he will ever be completely out of my life and I don’t think I will never completely let go. It just gets easier to live in this sort of in between space.

          It took me six months of NC to get here. When we renewed contact, I didn’t ask for a thing but his approach/avoidance/intermittent reinforcement/unpredictability kicked in anyway. I spotted it the second it started because we weren’t involved and he had no reason to push me away. In fact, he was trying to get me back. I saw that his behavior was completely unrelated to us or to anything that I did. Whether or not it is deliberate, it’s not anything that I can change.

          I think a lot of us feel guilty (I know I do) or like we did something wrong (I know I did) and I was able to see that I didn’t do or cause anything. The realization did not stop the cycle, however. I tried to be friends because he ignored my boundaries and seemed to need me. But he managed to flip the script again anyway. So in some ways it is back to square one, but it gets easier each time.

          I think my advantage is that mine is married and has a family, so he doesn’t have the freedom to come and go as he pleases. He is also taking the risk that I will tell and while he might not care about his wife’s feelings, he will care if I make a public stink.

          As I have said elsewhere, I don’t think he is evil. I think he has some serious mental/personality issues that he has no control over. But neither do I – no amount of empathy or wanting to heal him is going to work – so it’s best if I just get out of the way.

          These boards help – it helps to be around others going through the same thing.

      2. Catherine says:

        SMH, thank you for your kind reply. I’m happy for you when I hear that your world is interesting again; that’s what I’m longing for and at times I don’t understand why I’m not there yet. I do believe that my experience with this kind of void and darkness came along to teach me something about my past and to make me finally let go of my childhood drama, but then the emptiness makes me doubt myself and I just want to rush ahead into the future where there’s no more introspection or self doubt, where there’s no more longing for what was maybe irreversibly lost in me. I don’t know how how to accurately describe how I sometimes feel, but it’s like I’m in therapy, I’m doing all the excruciatingly hard work, and still there’s this void inside of me that was there all along of course, only I wasn’t really aware of it and now I have to face it each and every day even though I don’t even want or long for the person who stirred all of these emotions in me. I want to move on and forget, maybe it’s as simple as that, but forgetting seems impossible to me.

        1. SMH says:

          Catherine, I think it’s impossible to forget and instead of fighting it, we have to embrace it. Why did this happen to me? What is it about me that allowed this? There are good parts of us and not so good parts. Maybe we are attractive to narcs, but we aren’t to everyone. I told mine once that we cracked each other’s consciousness. He occasionally appears as a ghost, but mostly when we are in some sort of touch.

          I still have moments where I really long for the time when he was a regular part of my life. I don’t think I was happy, but I was alive and he made me stretch and grow. That is how we get attached to people.

          I still have times where I think, oh it wasn’t so bad, it was better to be in touch than not to be. But I also know that the whole cycle would start again.

          Normal people go through ups and downs, so maybe you were at a point in your life that made you particularly vulnerable, as I think I was. But maybe you won’t always be at that point.

          It is like an addiction, as others have said. I have a lot of experience with addictions – that is in my personality. I know I am susceptible and I know what I have to stay away from. Doesn’t make it easy to stay away, but that knowledge is part of my awareness of myself.

          In any case, it has only been a week since he last wrote, following a very angry/upset outburst on my part. Not the first one, mind you! I ignored him but I am under no illusions that it is over, because this has happened so many times. Still, each time gets easier.

      3. narc affair says:

        Hi smh…i feel the same way about my narc i dont think hes “evil” but he sure can be hurtful. I keep telling myself its a personality disorder and to not place too much focus on understanding it but more on understanding my part in it. I think the best thing i could do is establish boundaries and change things to friendship only. I know people will scoff at that and say full no contact but its not as easy as that. Maybe my emotional thinking is telling me that but so be it. Its been 7 years and weve shared a lot in that time. Ive grown very fond of him his npd aside. Hes been a friend at times and a companion and to just up and leave i could never do that to him.
        I dont know how things will turn out and yes i know i have to take control of my destiny but the reality is its never black and white. I cant see ever walking away fully unless he did something unforgivable. The salami slicing does add up over time and im aware that hes done a lot of covert abusive things to me the intermittent shelving being the worst. It boils down to restablishing boundaries and seeing if friendship is even possible for not only him but myself. It seems an oxymoron bc narcissists cant be “true” friends not in the way we know it.
        Im not ready to fully seize my power but in time possibly, we will see.

    7. M says:

      You will be. I promise.

  15. Free says:

    No, actually. We **can** fall out of love with as much force as we fell into love. We can be horrorfied and repulsed by the true cold, callous personality and only have pity for the wounded boy inside,

    We may desire your healing and wish you well. But that’s not love, Sorry.

    Appreciate your perspective and writing!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome and thank you for sharing your perspective also.

    2. Melissa says:

      😉!….U are sooo right, Free. We CAN and DO FALL out of love and FOREVER leave these Mf’s. Appreciate you HG, but NOT! 😀😀😀

  16. abrokenwing says:

    ‘When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.’

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Ah that explains why I am so good at providing golden periods then ABW as I am riddled with gold. Interesting piece of information, thank you for sharing.

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