The Fading Narcissist


Everybody who is part of our Fuel Matrix plays a part in maintaining our existence. Our construct, that which imprisons the creature and that which we want the world to see, must be maintained in order to preserve our existence. If not, we begin to fade away as the construct crumbles and collapses. The maintenance of this construct is entirely reliant on the provision of fuel and you play an integral part in that. How do the various types of appliance mesh together then in order to prevent us from fading away? 

I have explained how we draw fuel from primary, secondary and tertiary sources. These sources vary in potency and are affected of course by the method of delivery of the fuel. The primary source remains our most important source of fuel since it is this person, usually the intimate partner, who we are with more than anybody else but also who has the greatest emotional reaction to what we say and do. Therefore, this person provides us with the most fuel and of the most potent kind. They are also someone who satisfies the  The Prime Aims (which includes fuel) more than anyone else. The primary source is naturally the most important fuel provider which is why we seduce this person with such dedication, unleash such a terrible devaluation and keep on hoovering following escape or dis-engagement. We make such an investment in you as the primary source that we regard it as our right to keep drawing fuel from you, whether that is positive or negative, whether it is now, next week or in ten years’ time. You belong to us, in our minds.

The secondary sources are those which contribute good fuel and are invariably those who are part of our façade. Our lieutenants and the coterie are drawn from the secondary sources – friends, family and colleagues – who we interact with frequently but not to the same extent as we do with the primary source. Nor do the secondary sources give out the same heightened fuel as the primary source. The secondary sources serve an excellent function as part of the façade and the maintenance of this façade is important, therefore we prefer to keep the same people in at and keep adding to it. Secondary sources invariably enjoy lengthy golden periods with us. This is because our call on them is intermittent and therefore we are far less likely to regard their fuel as stale. Moreover, we can have many secondary sources but we only ever have one primary source. Thus if a certain secondary source is perhaps not admiring us as much (but they are not criticising us and are still providing some fuel) it does not merit a devaluation. They remain loyal, they remain part of the façade and we will just switch to another secondary source to increase the fuel. There is no need to devalue or ditch the initial secondary source. Thus you may see our kind have a friend who is “flavour of the month” because their fuel is better than other secondary sources and then the fuel dips in quality but it is not a concern as we can add another secondary source or switch to another who perhaps we have not seen for a couple of months. This is advantageous as it means our energy can be saved for devaluing the primary source whilst keeping a range of functioning secondary sources on hand and the façade intact.

The secondary sources very rarely stop providing fuel. They have no need to. A primary source may do so owing to the descent into ill health caused by the devaluation or learning how to tackle our kind as a response to the abuse. The secondary source, nearly always treated to an elongated  golden period, has no need to adopt a stance of not providing fuel.

A secondary source may however criticise us and if that is the case they may be subjected to devaluation but usually they are excluded from the coterie and replaced easily enough. They will be smeared and made to feel like an outsider, with the narcissist using the façade and other secondary sources to achieve this aim. We like to create our cliques and if anybody threatens our supremacy or delivers a criticism who is a secondary source they will be ejected from the group.

The occasion for devaluation of the secondary source is rare. It only happens in two instances. Firstly, the source has criticised the narcissist (this criticism might come through something said to the narcissist or something done, for example through exposing the narcissist’s behaviour to others)  and thus fury is ignited and the narcissist decides this person must be made an example of, before being discarded, in order to show the rest of the coterie who is in charge.

Secondly, in an even rarer instance it may happen when the narcissist has no primary source. If there is an absence of the primary source for a period of time, say a number of weeks, the narcissist’s fuel levels will have been tested. He will have sought to seduce and embed a new replacement primary source and most times the narcissist in such a situation is able to do so with success. However, let us assume this has not happened. The narcissist turns to his secondary and tertiary sources (more on tertiary in a moment) and relies more than usual on them to provide him with fuel during the absence of the primary source. At first there is no problem, the secondary sources provide positive fuel which is sustaining the narcissist, but if he has only a few secondary sources, then it will not be long before his fuel demands outstrip the positive fuel they can give. The lesser quality of their fuel (compared to the primary source) is being exposed by the absence of the primary source. It is also because greater demand is being placed on them.

Ultimately, the primary source will always go further for the narcissist than anybody else and they are also far more proximate. No matter how seductive. if the secondary source has to deal with his own family, his work and so on, he may not be available to provide fuel. If this keeps happening, combined with the increased demand and the lack of a primary source the strain on positive secondary sources will start to tell. This means the narcissist will either have to add new secondary sources and/or devalue the secondary sources to shift to negative fuel so he is sustained. This will work for a period of time with the confused inner circle friend who is a secondary source trying to work out why their supposed best friend is ignoring them and then trying to patch up the relationship. A secondary source however will not sustain devaluation as long as a primary source and may even infect other secondary sources by pointing out how they are being treated. The narcissist is already suffering reduced fuel levels and the supremacy of his façade is being challenged. This increases the demands on him.

The tertiary sources provide the least fuel and generally they are also treated to lengthy golden periods – for example the lady who works in the petrol station or the postman – since they are only extracted from on an intermittent basis. Tertiary sources can also be used straight away for negative fuel, for example, upbraiding a waiter or shouting down a shop assistant. We do not regard them as necessary to the maintenance of the façade, their negative fuel provides a useful boost and such high-handed behaviour may impress a primary (or secondary source) and draw positive fuel from them where appropriate.

If there is no primary source for a period of time, the reliance on tertiary sources increases. There will be increased activity to use technology to draw these people to the narcissist – such as on dating sites, chat rooms or through social media, but if the reliance is frequent and sustained the quality of the fuel will diminish quickly and those who have been attached to the narcissist in this way will be discarded and replaced with new remote tertiary sources promptly. There will be a high turnover. At the same time, the narcissist is likely to lash out at physically proximate sources more and more as the fuel level dips. This happens for two reasons. Firstly, he needs the fuel more than ever from tertiary sources and negative fuel is better than positive. Secondly, he will be furious at being placed in this position (through having no primary source but he has not got one to lash out at) so tertiary sources bear the brunt of this rage.

A narcissist without a primary source will eventually alienate secondary sources and in certain environments – say a small town – will struggle to replace them as people become wise to what he is. He may lack the energy to keep up the turnover of remote tertiary sources and spends his time lashing out at those which are physically proximate. At this point the narcissist faces losing the façade (since so many people know about his behaviour) in order to keep drawing fuel. It is now that he has three choices: –

  1. Secure a new primary source immediately;
  2. Move his environment so he can seek out fresh secondary sources and tertiary sources and rebuild his façade; or
  3. Sink into depression and inactivity as his fuel levels plummet.

The narcissist becomes a fading star. Once brilliant, magnificent and illuminating, his loss of the primary source and inability to find another means that the alluring shine is fading as a black hole awaits. He begins to fade as he enters a fuel crisis. Thus you can see just how paramount the primary source is to the existence of our kind and why we make such an effort to secure them, replace them and hoover them back again.

Listen to ‘The Fading Narcissist’

16 thoughts on “The Fading Narcissist

  1. Nika - Survival says:

    I can’t imagine a Narcissist ever fading due to all the fuel sources abounding everywhere from online sources, to real life targets. Even when a Narcissist is too sick, or tired to look for fuel sources, he then uses the pity-play, and still gets his fill.

    I don’t think that the Narcissist ever fades into nothingness while on this planet earth. There is far more fuel for your kind than there is enough true love for our kind. When you entered this world, you came to the right place.

  2. Joy4Life says:

    Really, you should not fade away. Instead, just glue your mask on with Super-Glue so that it will never come off, and just stick around forever, then. But, keep that mask on.

  3. Melinda says:

    The Fading Narcissist. I like that. Yesterday, I was walking across the parking lot after church, yes I’m a naughty angel trying to scrub my soul to rid myself of my ex, and my ex drove by me. I called my bestie and said I think I’m being stalked . . . I haven’t been to church in over a year and I don’t remember ever telling him I use to go to church there . . . My bestie said Im not being stalked, that rather when he’s out and about driving he looks for me.
    It was upsetting either way but more so if he’s stalking. Is my friend right? It was coincidence? Since I discarded him, there has been 3 coincidences in one month?
    Tomorrow I go to the police to file an incident report of his assaults . . . dread it . . . want my life back. Wish I could rewind and go back to a safer time.
    What do you think, Hoover, stalk, coincidence?? I may need to tell the police.
    I’m not pressing charges. The women in my community want him run out of town. Why did he assault me? Couldnt control me anymore. I hate him today.

  4. Empress1 says:

    If you are with an old rich UR Narc– be the bright shining bubble in real life- (watch Melania) and in private ignore the asses ass! Update your post nup=== and smile in public– -and while you are at it start hiding money— anyway you can. Take an extra 50 from the grocery bill— hide when you can and stash—-

  5. Kate says:

    This happened to my ex-husband, “Ice Eyes”. He was on the fast track at work, but after many significant events taking place, I left the relationship (okay, temporarily and not completely).

    My ex could not convince me to allow things to continue as they were and could not convince me that he was ready to be the man that I needed and wanted. Although he found a sorry substitute for me, he lashed out at his employees and there were so many complaints about his abusive behavior that he got fired. He had to go back to work for his horrible father. Not only that, he started hanging out with some bad sorts, etc and turned into someone that I do not recognize.

    Who is he really? The man I once knew? Or whoever he became?

    1. Kate says:

      Hi HG,

      I would really appreciate your thoughts on my last paragraph – which guy is he? Thank you l!

      1. Kate says:

        I have been watching and waiting, hoping and praying for him to come back ever since the first cracks in his mask appeared almost three decades ago. My head and heart have kept me in my own prison.

        I think that the person he became is his true self.

        He just lost his mind when I got pregnant. He really didn’t want the baby to ever draw a breath. Yes, I wrote that and it is true.

        When people say that I am depressed, they show their complete ignorance of the situation. There is not a chemical imbalance in my brain. Horrible things have been done to me and I am suffering from a broken heart.

  6. Kensey says:

    What a circular sick exhausting world they live in..
    If you are not out. Please,please,please start a plan to do so.
    Being with them is an illusion. You can’t lose what you never had..
    Get out & live.

  7. WiserNow says:

    This is fascinating, HG…truly fascinating. I feel as though you have opened the door to a whole different world I didn’t know existed. And I believed myself to be a fairly switched-on person prior to reading about narcissism.

    Thank you for explaining it clearly and thoroughly. You make it easy to understand.

    If you don’t mind me asking, how do you know all the things you write about? Is it purely from your own observations and understanding?.. or does it come from other sources?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Everything I write about is as a consequence of my own understanding, my own awareness, my own experiences, my observations of others (narcissist, normal, empath), listening to others (narcissist, normal, empath), observations from the good doctors which I consider and develop. Accordingly, I draw on a varied range but it is all processed through my having giving it due consideration.

      1. WiserNow says:

        Thank you for your reply. You have a distinctly rational and objective way of seeing and understanding. Your objectivity is very different to the narcissists I see ‘in real life’. They see things very subjectively. It feels like their defense mechanisms are overtly in the “on” position at all times. They are hypersensitive about any perceived criticism or threat. This seems to override their objectivity and appears to be of paramount importance.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          That is because they are Lessers or Mid-Rangers, the bulk of narcissists are of those schools.

  8. Caroline says:

    Which/what type narcissist would be most apt to want to re-secure a former (escaped) IPPS back to the Formal Relationship? Which would be most stuck on one particular person from their past?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      This could apply to any school.

      1. Caroline says:

        Well, thank you for pinning that down, lol. Actually, I didn’t ask this question well, but instead of re-wording, I’ll find that blog again about the anchor and etc. relationship models…I feel like I’m missing something key about this entanglement, which could prove helpful.

        But I do thank you for answering, Sir. 🙂

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