Why Is The Narcissist Always On My Mind?


“He is always in my mind.”

“Try as I might I just cannot get him out of my head.”

“I can’t stop thinking about him.”

I am sure such comments or similar have been made by you at some point about the narcissist in your life. We have this formidable capability to get into your head and remain there for a long time which evokes bittersweet reactions from you at best and utter miserable frustration at worst. I have written about ever presence previously, namely that ability we have to ensure that you keep thinking about us, even when you have been pushed to one side or if you have sought to go no contact. This insidious form of manipulation is pervasive and very difficult to deal with, but how is it so effective?

Like much of our effectiveness it actually comes down to you. As an empathic individual you are much more susceptible to our method of remaining in your mind which is achieved by encoding. Since you care about others and take an interest in the thoughts, actions and well-being of other people, you have been wired to take on board stimuli from other people in a far more effective manner than others. Take my kind for example. We are so focussed on ourselves and what we need that we are not wired to be especially encoded by what others do. Our minds are nearly impervious to the actions of others. It is as if they are so full of what we do and what we want that there is no room for anything or anyone else. You on the other hand are like a sponge and you soak up the words and actions of others. Combine your susceptibility with our determined application of suggestion through what we say to you and what we do for you then the outcome is a devastating form of encoding which creates powerful and near indelible memories in your mind.

Through our visual encoding of your mind, you create a vivid mental picture and this will be recalled in pin-sharp crikey vision time after time. Every detail of a particular scene will be recalled by you and it is ingrained in your mind deeply through this encoding. The more you recall it, the more it becomes ingrained as if you are wearing a groove in a piece of wood. We make particular use of music (think how often your narcissist used certain tunes to woo you and/or create  special moment) to achieve acoustic encoding. Our voice is used in this way as well by the careful selection of key phrases which will resonate with you. You always remember the things that we say because we have encoded them into your mind. Similar encoding occurs in respect of taste and scents as well as tactile encoding. Accordingly this quintet of senses is assailed by all the things that we say and do in order to achieve this encoding. We create powerful memories so that you have no option other than to recall them and with that comes the emotional attachment. You will remember so much of what you have done with us compared to say what you have done with family, friends and colleagues. You will recall more memories, in greater detail and more often when they involved us because of this deliberate encoding.

You might think this was enough in terms of the efficacy of this method of affecting you, but it does not end there. Most narcissists are male and thus it follows that the majority of victims are female. In general terms, women remember events better than men (men have better spatial memories) and therefore you are genetically pre-disposed to remember all those occasions and dates you spent with us in such detail. Females remember pleasant memories in better detail than men, thus this is a further reinforcement of why you can summon up such powerful memories of the golden period and why it hurts you so much. Conversely, in general terms, men remember unpleasant events better than women who tend to recall them in a ‘blurred’ manner. This is why despite the abuse you have suffered the golden period memories tend to triumph. It is not the case with everyone, admittedly, but generally this holds good. Add to this the fact that women’s memories retain more of their potency through the advancement of age than men and you will see why your memories of us are so difficult to shake. Not only do we specifically encode your minds, which are primed to accept this more than other people, your gender also makes you more susceptible to retaining these detailed and vivid memories of the when everything felt wonderful.

These memories are deeply ingrained and very hard to dismiss and remove, even with professional help. Combine this efficacy with the fact we leave you exhausted and broken, it is little wonder you cannot shift us from your minds. Everyone knows how difficult it is to think straight when you are tired. Little wonder then that we always loom large in your mind when you have been exhausted and shattered by our behaviour.

These memories of the golden period are massively powerful and all of the above means that for someone like you, you will often think of them and suffer the emotion that is linked to them .It is a devastating weapon in our armour. Pretty memorable eh?

47 thoughts on “Why Is The Narcissist Always On My Mind?

  1. Meredith says:

    HG- My midranger ex fiance dumped me and hasn’t seen me in a year, we don’t have any mutual friends, and there’s no signs of my current boyfriend on facebook plus my ex is blocked in every way. Based on what you know about midrangers do you think he thinks I am single or still pining after him?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He may well have “deleted” you if he is in a golden period with a new IPPS and therefore has no thoughts about whether you are single or pining for him. If he is not, then should there be a hoover trigger he may well consider that you are pining for him. Further, he may well consider you to be single and this is a relevant factor with regard to the Hoover Execution Criteria.

  2. RJ says:

    This is why I knew something was wrong. Its not normal to think of someone this much after this much time. Especially when you were treated like less than dirt by the individual. Even after moving on with someone else. Really thought something was wrong with me. Clincher is there was! Started looking on internet for answers. Found some other sites then this one. This one is the best for clarification of best reactions to actions. Shows the other side of what you could not understand. Like Having a spy whispering intel to you!

  3. On my journey says:

    Thanks Caroline for the Toy Story analogy. Thanks for your kind words and stay strong ! You are doing great !

    1. Caroline-opine says:

      “Great” may be a gracious overstatement, but thank you much, Journey!:-)

      1. On my journey says:

        You know , I think if we can come here, read , comments, encourage each other’s and learn – we are doing great !! Remember those days when we can’t think, read a line , articulate a thought etc

        Not easy – not easy … next time a toy boy instead of toy story !!! Lol :))

        1. Caroline says:

          Did you say BOY TOY, Journey?

          I… feel… stormy… weather… moving… in!


          (Just making HG listen to this sorta tickles me…)
          -Oh yeah-

          1. On my journey says:

            Yes Caroline … Toy Boy 🙂 I have a friend who gott cheated on and divorce and all she wants now is toy boy and she tries to convert us to only have mannin our life for dessert 🙂 lol !! Have a great one

    2. Caroline says:

      Sorry, Journey — I’m not getting notifications on here (I just check back), and I also have no button to directly reply to the “boy toy” thing… but no empath will be truly happy with men just for dessert.;-) Well, maybe I should just speak for myself, lol.

      Even my “Raining Men” video is in jest. There was only one time in my life (for a very short 2 months) where I “casually dated”… and when the first guy kissed me, I was like “Ok, this is the guy I’ll kiss.” But then when the second guy tried to kiss me, there ended my entire casual dating experiment… because it’s too weird + stupid + gross! Lol

      1. On My Journey says:

        Caroline … Joke aside … I am fed up with men and relations in general.

        I have been with them non-stop for the past 27 year – I am tired now. This one greater elite has pushed me to the extreme of craziness and I just want to be alone .

        Funny he thinks I am seeing someone else – he told me today that there is many reasons why he thinks that but mainly I am different / it’s HG power :))

        I am less dependant and needy … I don’t fuss over his shit all the time , I just smile :))

        So in any case Caroline … I had casual , very light relations before I met my husband when I was 23 and sometimes I miss it…:))

        Thinking about you.

        1. Caroline-opine says:

          I love this latest post of yours. You seem stronger and stronger, Journey. Pretty soon, you’ll be lifting cars, woman!:-) You’re way too vibrant to have your energy sucked away by a narcissist. Meh, narcissist. Meh, Greater Elite. lol

          However, I hate to tell you this, but your narcissist is actually right about one thing… You ARE seeing another man. You’re seeing HG — and on a pretty regular basis, you vixen. 😉

          Haha–so just take that, Journey’s narcissist!

          P.S. Actually, the confidence you receive from HG consults + support here is bound to be detected by your narcissist. All good. 🙂

          1. On my journey says:

            Sweet Caroline !!!! I am laughing and laughing again at your comment … you are right ! I do see another man.. HG:)) How could I forget :)) oh
            God !!!

            You are so nice and encouraging ! Thank you 🙂

            Keep going 🙂

          2. Caroline says:

            Thank you, darling Journey:-)

            Well, I’m going all right…WHERE I do not even know, lol…I just did a reply comment on one of the threads to BKK on how I messed up a bit yesterday. If you can find the thread, you can mock me. But I really prefer that you just avoid knowing and we both pretend I have it all figured out and am doing amaaaaaazing.

            LOL 😉

            Hope you’re having a great day.:-)

          3. On m’y journey says:

            No worries … who said we needed to be perfect ? You know that people with addictions are often tricked in wanting things perfect. Healing perfectly is impossible … we heal and learn because it is imperfect and we slide in our thoughts and sometimes in actions and we feel bad . We need to accept that we don’t accept and then move on and accept that this learning curve will be imperfect and that is perfectly all right !!!

          4. Caroline says:

            Thank you so much! Your reply really spoke to my heart, Journey. I needed it today.

            The pursuit of perfection is awful… just awful. It’s not real… and the expectation of it brings great pain.

          5. On my journey says:

            Happy it helped. Have a lovely day tomorrow xo

  4. ANM says:

    On my journey, I absolutely agree with you. I feel they do make people more codependent. However, for what it is worth, I actually have had reading done that were very detailed, and not pleasant about the narcissist i was with. I actually thought I was going to get a candy coated talk. I do not want to go into too much detail about it, because it would give away my anonymity. But it was dark, and dead on, and I was in my Golden Period

  5. DoForLuv says:

    The only real addiction I feel/feed is my need for answers truth and justice . all I mentioned a narcissist will never provide . So sometime it seems like its all about the narcissist but it’s not and more about Right and Wrong.

    After MartiNarc blew my mind again with her level of uncountability betrayal in one . I don’t even worry about my exes that much no more .

    I just hope I won’t become one myself…

    1. DoForLuv says:


    2. On my journey says:

      Do for luv … I had one too at the begining of my 4 years relation with Narc 2 and she was dead on. I consulted with her about Narc 3 and she failed miserably !!

      1. DoForLuv says:

        I just read your story . I’m not familiar with those online sites. But a good comment !! .

        I never done it myself I was refering to HGs article . I recently just realised what I wrote . We all guilty somehow

        Much love and strenght to you ..

  6. On my journey says:

    Did any of you felt into the Psychic reading addiction while being with a Narc?
    The reason why I ask the question is that I have felt in that trap with Narc number 2 and 3.
    With some online Psychic sites you can read the comments from people getting the readings.
    It is only lately that I went back and read the comments with a very different set of eyes.
    So many of the clients there are people most probably ensnared with narcs asking : when the silent treatment will end ? Will they hear about him again ? Why does he keep coming back and then being so mean? Why was everything so wonderful and then why he cheated? etc etc
    I am sure there is a load of money that is being made on those entangled Narc’s addicts and unscupulous pseudo psychics read the cycle and just predict the cycle and read the cycle again and prescribe to be patient and wait etc.
    Personnaly I find HG a better reader and I get far better results with his advices ! lol!! And … Not to be disrepectful to HG but a lot cheaper… :):)
    Some people spend thousands and thousands of dollars on people who predict the narc cycle… Crazy…. Obsession…..

    1. Narc Angel says:

      Not to mention that here you get the most accurate information directly from the source, and the tools to help you remove yourself from the abuse. Not a load of bullshit by god knows who, designed to keep you guessing and paying more each time to keep repeating the cycle of complete nonsense. That is victimization at its finest.

      1. On my journey says:

        Absolutely Narc Angel… The saddest part is that those psychics really is that they encourage the waiting and calling back to get more money out of the victim. Should the psychic say… He is an asss a narc etc the victim would not call back. They want to hear that they are being loved, that he is thinking about them, that he just needs some time away to realise how much he loves them etc.
        That this other woman is a bitch, a controler, that she cheats on them, that they will leave her soon etc… It’s madness.

        I was trapped there, especially with Narc number 2. He had 2 silent treatment, one shelving and a final ghosting. He was supposed to divorce, to marry me, all my friends and familly believed him. So many of us have been conned by him.

        So I called and I called and I called and heard again and again …He will leave her, he loves you, it is a matter of time, he is preparing himself … etc…. You lose a lot of money, you get depressed, you call they pump you up, you feel good, then you look at your bank account you feel depressed…. Addictions … Infernal cycles.

        Now I have accurate and predictive information that allows me to think through with reality lenses.

    2. Twilight says:

      Quality vs quantity

    3. narc affair says:

      Hi on my journey…ive never had a psychic reading altho my mother had and they seemed to be accurate. Id rather know the facts of what im dealing with and base what i do on that. I dont want to know my future i want to live it as it unfolds.
      It is weird tho bc my exnarc and i have this odd connection. I feel its psychic on some level. Ive only had the same thing happen with my mother.
      It can be weeks or months that i dont hear from him and i can think about him or mention him as i have on the blog and viola an email. Its happened so many times it cant be mere coincidence.

      1. On My Journey says:

        Narc affair … I feel the same with my Narc apparently empaths have a strong capacity for telepathy … anxiety made me seek psychics – no one could help me understand the insanity that I was going through . I needed someone to tell me that everything will be ok !

    4. ANM says:

      I do get readings done. Only about 4 times a year and from a psychic in the community. I don’t take it as the Holy Grail, but I actually think it is somewhat healthy for me, because I tend to ask a lot of questions abut the future vs problems with a narcissist. I know it sounds like a carnival trick, but if I can visualize the future, it’s easier for me to make it happen.

    5. Survivor X says:

      Yes! On my journey, the last narc I was entangled with even has a fairly successful podcasts where he interviews psychics, among others. He’s obsessed with the occult among other things.. Point is, I think that narcs like this either directly or indirectly encourage you to seek answers in this way to stay in that emotional thinking zone that is so dangerous. And I think the answer is so simple: They do not care. They are using you. Sometimes it’s hard to come to grips with that. On some days it’s still difficult for me.

  7. On my journey says:

    My golden was a good companionship and not the love headover heels thing. In retrospect, this is what I wanted and this is what he gave me. He was and has still an IPPS and because of it, I never really let my heart go totally.

    Despite this… He is in my head all the time and when he is not, I miss thiking about him.

    My 10 days escape were great for that, I was not obsessed with him and did not missed him that much… Until I unblocked him and responded to him after letting him know that I was not coming back. I guess I was so hurt and confused before going NC for 10 days that I was better off him until I got a bit better than I started missing him.

    I am also missing hearing from Caroline… How is NC going dear??

    1. Caroline says:

      I just saw this comment to me, Journey~so sorry! I’m having a harder time navigating the threads lately. How sweet to give me a “shout out”!:-)

      My NC is so-so. I’m keeping up my end, but I’m stressed by my work phone, which he calls on whenever he wants. He just calls and rings it, with no voicemail message — this is supposed to make me call, which I haven’t. He fully expects me to take a hint and call him back… and the longer it goes where I don’t, the more irritated he will get. Is it any wonder I refer to him as “The King”? At some point, he’ll just show up in person if I don’t answer my phone. That’s the only predictable thing about him.

      I will say that this movie scene is not too far off base from how much brain energy it feels like it’s taking for me to always be anticipating in work environments, with this narcissist in the back of my mind and what may occur (I see you sweating, Tom Cruise, and I feel your pain, lol)… plus, the escape scene is too funny in this, so just for laughs:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04s96zDt1RE

      But back to you… there will be the ups and downs with NC, but you are learning so much, and it is all working to strengthen you! Yes, they get into our heads — that part is so weird, but they know just how to do it, so it also takes time for the brain to get back to square one. But you’re making progress all the time, so hang in there with your emotional thinking getting triggered by all his past shenanigans. It’s a true weaning when the addiction is at play — so very real. Be patient with yourself.:-)

      Are you back to NC now, or minimal contact?

      1. On my journey says:

        @ Caroline , I am un contact , in relation i would say and for reasons that are perosnal I will remain here until it will not be required anymore. I am IPSS half shelved and painted white for now.

        I am actively practicing LT. I can see my shift slowly making progress for my overall well being , not only my relation with greater.

        I see I started by talking about me … how narcisstic of me … lol :))

        We all know NC is not easy otherwise there would not be so much talk and stories about it.

        As much as I don’t know you personally , from what I read that you wrote I can see that you have all the strength in you to keep the focus on you and your well being.

        You are well equipped and you have a great team here around you !

        Thinking about you and keep the King in his Narc kingdom where you don’t belong 🙂

        Have a great day !

        1. Caroline says:

          Very clever, about keeping the King in his kingdom, where I don’t belong (I shall remember that)… thank goodness I could see he was really never a White Knight!

          Thanks so much for the kind encouragement… whenever it gets to the point where the King realizes — really, really realizes — that it is not happening between us… that is when he is going to try to rip my heart out, believe me. There will be tears (mine), and it is going to be very painful. So when that day comes… well, I will need all the support I can get!

          I understand where you are at… I’m around whenever you need me! While you are “on the shelf,” remember Toy Story (sorry, guess I’m stuck on movies today)… the toys all got down from their places when nobody was around and were very active! They FREED themselves all the time. 😉

          So keep as busy as you can, filling up your life… so you have things to look forward to/make you feel stronger when NC comes. I’m so glad you’re here. You’re a doll!… and not the kind on the shelf – the sweet, vibrant, real human kind. 🙂

  8. SUSAN says:

    I’ve noticed that this diminishes greatly with no contact and not having physical reminders around.

    1. Insatiable Learner says:

      Agreed, Susan. I noticed that too. I am at 6 months NC. Can’t wait how much better I should feel as time goes by. Wishing you strength and healing!

  9. narc affair says:

    Time and time again thru all these blogs its written that we have such a hard time letting go and focusing on other areas of life aside from the narc bc it was an illusion. Thats so very true and needs to be said over and over again and over to really grasp it. Its a con job. The golden period was amazing bc it was a big set up to mind control. The reality is in any relationship even healthy ones the honeymoon stage wears off at some point and the true test of what you meant to each other starts. Life kicks you on your ass so many times and is that person there for you? Do you share more than just lust and excitement? Do you have anything in common?
    Thats where infatuation is quickly snuffed out bc it is feeble and has an expiry date. It has no legs to stand on. No foundation. No durability.
    Im trying to train my mind to accept that this golden period is why i have such a hard time letting go and getting my narc to not be on my mind as much but when your relationship is multifaceted it becomes much more complex than a physical relationship. It wasnt just a golden period it has been companionship and that person becoming deeply engrained in your daily life. How i wish it were just a physical relationship bc it wouldve been over years ago.
    The worst part is you can never call a narcissist a true “friend”. They may play that part in your life but you know deep down the friendship has limitations bc you cant trust them.
    Letting go and getting them out of your mind or decreasing how much they impact on your mind is so difficult when youre still involved with them.
    Thats where no contact is the best option to gradually get them completely out of your mind.
    The golden period was an illusion and youll never have that again. That is a useful mantra to practice daily.
    “It was an illusion. It wasnt real. Its dead forever.”

  10. Morning sun says:

    To be honest – partly because of being here. It’s like a double-edged sword, with one edge protecting the bearer and the other hurting them. Sometimes that hurt is a good price to pay for the protection, but when is enough enough?

    How many of us have switched the addiction to the narc with addiction to this place, to interacting with HG and each other? It is one of the few places where we receive validation (people often don’t get narcissism), support and, most importantly, understanding.

    I am a victim of childhood emotional neglect. My mother may not be a full-blown narcissist, but she has enough narcissistic tendencies that she has harmed me psychologically. In her case, the narcissistic tendencies manifest in her obnoxious self-sacrificing manner, her silent sufferings and disapproval when I refuse her help (“but I’m only doing what my mom was doing for me!”)… at the same time, I’m self-sabotaging myself so that she has something to help with, something to do. Because being completely self-sufficient and independent from her would negate her existence and thus mine.

    It’s a vicious, vicious circle. Actually, I prefer to discuss ad think about the ex narc… the whole mother thing is just too painful, too horrible to contemplate for very long. Bits and pieces here and there, and then I’m back in safer waters again – so much nicer to talk about the ex that I’m over, the symptom instead of the cause.

    Why is the narcissist always on our minds? Because the addiction masks, displaces the underlying problem that we may not even be aware of. Because it’s less damaging to the psyche to keep focusing on the narc than to look at the voids within, the ugly, dark, scary places that are part of us, that cripple us and that we do our best to avoid.

    I love to rationalise things – my therapist often redirects me from rationalisign about something into feeling my feelings. I can’t though – how can one feel the blackness, the nothingness within? Narcissists and empaths are two sides of the same coin, the only difference lies in the focus – on the self or on others. Deep down, there is a black mass filled with repressed emotions, with the ultimate fear of annihilation as its keeper. If I feel it, I cease to be. So don’t feel it.

    I have considered suicide often. No, I’m in no danger because I have obligations that keep me alive, reasons to live for that have nothing to do with me, so no need to worry or advise me to get help, it’s covered :). But the idea of finally getting rid of that ultimate fear of non-existence by actively choosing it is very appealing and I’m sure it will remain so. Somehow, I never clung to life all that much, even though I used to enjoy it intensely in all its minutiae. I remember being really ill when I was a teenager and almost dying. I was weak and I knew that death is a real possibility, but the knowledge didn’t disturb or frighten me at all, I was calm, at peace, even cheerful. It was amazing. I pulled through, but had I not, I would have gone peacefully. I sometimes wish I had.

    So there it is. The raw underbelly the psyche covered and protected with the addiction to the narc like the Kayan Lahwi women’s necks are protected by rings that when taken off all at once can cause death.

    The continuing obsessing over the narc has very little to do with the narc. It has a lot to do with our inner wounds and the very effective way the golden period masked them – which the period of other- and self-imposed suffering continues to do.

    1. BurntKrispyKeen says:

      Dear Morning Sun,
      You bring up many interesting points…
      “Narcissists and empaths are two sides of the same coin; the only difference lies in the focus.” Morning Sun, your comment says it very well. We are more similar than different… albeit those differences are huge. (Whew! Right? 😉)

      As golden as they first present themselves, I think that I actually feel a draw towards narcissists because I can relate to their needs. I suppose it’s just too easy to look outside of oneself for comfort. So how was I any different than he? I wanted him to save me as much as I wanted to help him. Perhaps we all somehow share in their hidden pain as the lure to “fix” them easily overtakes the empathic soul. But now I am the one left in need of vast repair. I’m the one who can’t seem to pull it together enough to get him out of my head… out of my heart.

      Until now, I didn’t realize that they could bring about as much turmoil as they do. No relationship should be that difficult. I trust that you are in a solid place, MS, in knowing that he isn’t worth it, but I do understand the dark thoughts and despair that they bring.

      Like you, I have the tendency to want to rationalize their narcissistic issues. I analyze until my mind becomes tired of the obsession, but then I’ll easily delve back in for more. My best friend has told me that I tend to over-analyze things… anything… but I truly don’t know how to stop?

      I hate the way I’ve let narcissism consume me!

      Narcissism presents a complexity that I still struggle to understand. I have been trying to realize what it is about myself that allowed the narcissistic relationship to go on as long as it did? But I can’t seem to fully grasp what is lacking within me to have allowed a man to treat me in such disparaging ways?

      Looking at our past can give us the best clues as to why we are so vulnerable, but I’m most disappointed in myself that I allowed his maltreatment to continue, even once I discovered the truth. So stupid!

      But each day, I try to become wiser. So thank you, MS, for sharing your deep thoughts and for reminding me that I’m not alone in the turbulence. This article offers some solid explanations, so thank you, HG, for helping us to better rationalize irrational behaviors.

      Maybe someday I will have my mind back?

      1. On My Journey says:

        BKK … I also tend to overanalyse and I had sleepless nights even with the Narc trying to dig into it and we were both open about our holes and our need to escape it and fill it.

        Although now with some therapy mainly LNP, I came to understand that understanding is partially part of the solution but also that self care and self love brings an understanding that I don’t have access to if I don’t take care of myself.

        I think the way I understand the Narc realities have shifted since I take care of me and since I love myself more.

        I tend to analyse less now and observe instead – that creates a space in my brain for responding instead of reacting… not always far from perfect but much better than when I was trapped in paralysis of analysis .

    2. Melinda says:

      Morning Sun, thanks for being real, raw, putting it out there. Great analogy about Lawhi women. That’s what it feels like. You put into words what’s gone around in my head without expression. TX for expressing it for me, too.
      Some days I’m glad I had this past relationship with greater narc.
      So powerful the knowledge that I must look inward and view my own shit/damage. I was always trying to fix him . . . I want to fix myself. All the energy I expended on him, I now get to expend on me.
      Perhaps a goal would be that I become unattractive to the narcs whereas right now, especially having just spent my time engulfed with one, I am a narc magnet. I see their energies, smiles, staring, engaging gestures and looks everywhere I go right now! It’s insane. Like Im peaking with this type of behavior/pattern thus I am experiencing and seeing all aspects of the pattern.

      I have had the same thought . . . I’m trading my addiction to the narc to an addiction to this website. Wow, it is exactly what I need though in order to progress toward self-actualization.

      Someday, I will no longer need this site. It is a way back to life for me right now rather than jumping into another narc’s arms–cuz that would be the easiest thing to do.
      Change is not so easy.

  11. Hypatia says:

    I actually think that in my case his extreme push/pull love bombing and then yanking it away created an actual addiction, I.e. dopamine and withdrawal reaction in my brain and that is precisely why I cannot stop thinking about him. Even now, when I feel mostly logical and in control, the thought of him is still constant like a silent computer software bug running covertly in my brain. I feel like I never understood why people would always say that alcoholics are never cured no matter how many years sober… until now that I understand my obsession with him in my brain works the same way.
    Add to that the very, very deep attachment to him mimicked the emotionally abusive relationship my parents had over me as a child (in certain ways anyhow), and the deep connection I had with my now deceased brother, and it’s the perfect storm that infects you on what feels like a cellular level.

    In general my memory is shit and I don’t remember things in great detail whatsoever. It’s not my computer’s processor, it’s the hard drive.

  12. Cindy says:

    HG, you are another narc that has taken up a lot of space in my head. But in a good way.
    It’s been 2 years post-escape and he’s in my thoughts every day. I hate it. I feel like he will never go away.
    Your input on this subject (and many others) brings me closer to restoring my sanity. Thank you.

  13. H. says:

    Just like my golden period of loving a line of cocaine. It took me a long time to learn, that it was never as good as the first few times.

    Destructive habits, that I learned to let go. I still think of both, but would never do it again.

  14. MB says:

    The lesser and mid-range wouldn’t have the consciousness to do this encoding deliberately would they?

    1. HG Tudor says:


  15. Ugotit says:

    Its cut way back but I still think about hi. Too much

  16. Cheryl says:

    Perhaps this works differently with a narc parent. I don’t recall the ‘golden memories’ as much as I do the abusive and weird memories. After he killed my mother, he then set his sights on me. I can see him shedding what I knew were fake tears, I felt it even then, long before I realized what I was. He cried when I ran away to go live with a boyfriend. Did I for one minute believe those tears were for me? No. Why he bothered to waste bodily fluid on such a performance puzzled me. Why would he care if I was there with him? when it never seemed like he ever had before. ‘Bye, Dad.

    No, not many good memories of him. Ten years after he drove my mother into the ground to her death, he then went BOOM! in a commercial airline crash that rained flaming bits of human flesh and made global news. Even in death, you narcs have to put on quite the show.

    Yes, I thought of him after that. I always wondered how long they all had, when they realized they were going to die? Mere seconds. Did the soul come together there at the end; were his last thoughts of his children? or of his gay lover? I’m guessing they weren’t about me or my sister.

    It used to make me squirm, thinking that he suffered that realization and fear, as the plane entered that last sickening roll, but other thoughts would chase that away, such as, he sure got what he deserved, didn’t he.

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