But Why Did The Narcissist Do That?


I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.

“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”

I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.

Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?

This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.

You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,

“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”

It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-

  • You must know what has happened and make sense of it
  • You want to make things right
  • You want the wonderful golden period again
All of this keeps you right besides us. Guess what? We dole out even more awful behaviour and it still does not make sense and you still do not go. We give you a glimpse of the golden period and your confusion increases. He does still love me I knew it. Then the door is slammed shut and you are left confused yet again but even worse this time, the brief return to the golden period has given you additional hope. You still do not go.
For once, rather than looking at it through your own eyes, consider it from our point of view. The devaluation does not come out of nowhere. It does to you but not to us. It happens because you are not giving us our fuel in the strength, quantity and frequency we demand. That is the logic behind our change in behaviour.
Why is it then that we are able to hurt you when we love you so much? Again, look at it through our eyes and the answer is straight forward. We never loved you. Accordingly, we are not affected by what appears (in your world) to be a hurtful and contradictory shift in our behaviour. Let me help you further. To us you are just an appliance. Initially because this appliance does what we want we look after it. We clean it, maintain it and take pride in it. Then it goes wrong. It is too much effort to try and repair it. We are horrible to you in order to make you work in a different way rather than trying to repair you to run as normal. Remember how people would slap the side of their television to make it work or give the washing machine a kick in the hope of causing it to run properly? You are just the same. You are an appliance and we give you a boot be it figurative or literal to make you provide us with fuel of a negative nature. We eventually get fed up that you are not working as we want you to so we chuck you on the scrap heap like so many discarded fridges, computers and washing machines. We have seen a new, shiny model which has attracted our attention instead.
So when you sit and wonder why this devaluation has happened, why our behaviour makes no sense and how can it be that someone who expresses such perfect love can be so hurtful, you know the answer. It makes no sense in your world but every sense in our world where you are just an appliance. Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?


8 thoughts on “But Why Did The Narcissist Do That?

  1. Somewhere over the rainbow says:

    “Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?”

    Fighting not only narcs but my own compulsive disorder (I’ve got in the need of some control over my existence after the narc woman made me give up my job by playing a lower game -I would never blackmail someone the way she did, lying to my face and making me swallow it by saying if I don’t agree with her and keep my mouth shut, my husband would also loose his job). It was hell for me but managing to get out alive made me realize something some did while in real war: we have to live and love for the ones wanting us in their lives! Never beg for something not willingly/freely given and never attach to the madness (breaking) point to someone. We are people and people change their minds (hearts) all the time. Live for yourself and for others, giving freely (not expecting something in return). Now is the only moment we’ve got. And we need a clean consciousness given the fact that we can “leave” at any moment.

    HG Tudor: The maggots consuming our physical bodies is a gross image but a true one. Food chain…I managed to find a good explanation for that one, too: mother Earth needs us. 😉 As I said to nex: “give me a s**t and I’ll find something good in it!” That’s my way of surviving: I’m not the best jokes teller at a table (like you), I’m the one living the “jokes” and still wholeheartedly smiling (I survived them and learned my lessons)!

  2. Sandra says:

    Last night my now ex husband (divorce became final on 4/10/18) came to my house unannounced at 1 am. He was drunk – of course – and decided that he would physically abuse me. After 14 years together two children and ten years of marriage my ex husband whipped out his private part and said “I’m going to piss on you – you gold digging b*tch. This all came about bc earlier in the day he decided to cut the child support payment in half for our son. I, as any mother would, became infuriated that he would actually stoop so low as to not provide the ordered child support amount. For the last 10 months he never missed a payment and it was always on time. When I emailed him asking why there support payment was so low and what his excuse was he replied “bc I don’t think YOU deserve that amount anymore.”
    I told my ex he had one hour to deposit the rest of the support or I would expose his lies that he included in his smear campaign to his now 7mongh pregnant girlfriend.
    He pulled into our driveway at 1 am knowing our son was home and asleep. The noise his car made startled me and I immediately ran outside. Before I knew it my ex husband had said he was going to piss on me for being a gold digging bitch. In my defense to his whipping out his penis and starting to pee on me I kicked him the nuts.
    The man I married and gathered my children then picked me up and threw me five feet in the air and body slammed me down on the cold hard grass. He was arrested for assault and I was granted an emergency restraining order. Now I have to go to court AGAIN for the extension of the restraining order.
    I was told by his new girlfriend and his mother that he was hinting towards suicide today. I may be naive but I am not stupid – I cannot imagine that any narcissists are capable of committing suicide – that would mean that all of his entitlements, followers, and sources of fuel would be left without his grand prescience.
    I fear that he is actually planning my murser not his suicide. HG do narcs ever commit suicide?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Very rare for a narcissist to commit suicide, it could happen as a result of a co-morbid condition or because of a fuel crisis, but it is more threatened than actioned.

    2. Clarece says:

      Hi Sandra,
      I can only imagine how this will now consume so much of your energy and thoughts over the next couple of weeks. I’m sorry you were so blind-sighted by his aggressive attack. I’m so glad you got one square kick to him in the family jewels too.
      Try to do some nice things for yourself to keep your resistance up and keep your mental clarity clear and feeling strong.
      Is it possible the new, pregnant girlfriend was putting in a “I want” list for their new baby and he was feeling pressure there, thus transferring to you that you are the gold digging bitch? It just seems for him to establish a pattern with you with consistent support payments, something happened with her to cause such a palpable reaction.

  3. Bibi says:

    There was a time when I put my ego aside and begged him. I pleaded. ‘Please, tell me what is wrong. Please, tell me what I need to do for you, what I can do to make this work. I just want things to be like they were before.’

    I would ask direct questions which he would evade. Emails would go ignored. ‘I know I fucked up but please hear me out. I just want to make it better and to reassure you that I will understand whatever you need to tell me,’ I told him

    His response: ‘I can’t trust you with that information.’ Cold shoulder. Silence. More silence.

    What in God’s name did I do? Am I deserving of this punishment? How many times can I apologize?

    It’s amazing how much I have grown since then, as now when I read my typed words I cringe. My ET was in overdrive back then, where I did not consider how I felt, only him.

    But, the ego has returned. In fact, it was never gone. ‘Bibi and Mid Range could never get along,’ I oversaw someone wrote in an email about me. Implying as though narc and I had ‘irreconcilable differences’.

    There was simply NO WAY to get along with him. Could not win.

    You see, I wanted more than anything to make it work. IT WILL WORK! Because up until that point, I assumed that when relationships ended, that it was mutual, that the individuals had been mismatched. But we connected so well. Everything felt kindred and spiritual.

    You know the rest.

  4. Challenge Fuel says:

    “All of this keeps you right besides us. Guess what? We dole out even more awful behaviour and it still does not make sense and you still do not go.”

    Yeah pretty much this.

  5. T says:

    In the past during my devaluation, when I hung on and hung on, he would ask me if I wanted him to treat me like shit? Then it didn’t make sense to me. Today it does. I’ve come to accept that when I as an appliance became dysfunctional he was frustrated and angry that I had stopped working, and that it takes a lot of energy for a narcissist to put out to make my kind work in some way. And to a narcissist, it must be grueling.
    I see the logic. I can now accept it. I don’t have to like it, or think it’s ok.
    Thanks HG for strengthening my armor.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

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