The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 4

silenttreatmentsare-my-wayof-killingyou

The silent treatment is a well-known and highly effective manipulation that we deploy against our victims. Easy to do, low in energy expenditure, a passive aggressive measure which is the mainstay manipulation of the Mid-Range Narcissist although it will be used by all of our kind. It comes in two varieties; the Present Silent Treatment (we remain physical proximate but ignore you or stay silent and glare at you) or the Absent Silent Treatment where we vanish. The former is excellent at drawing fuel and asserting control whilst the latter achieves both those aims and allows us to take effectively a time out and use that time to court an alternative source, invariably unbeknown to you.

The primary purpose of a silent treatment, like most of our manipulations, is the drawing of fuel from you. You become concerned that we will not speak to you, upset that we are not responding, angry that we remain sat there ignoring you. You are worried that you have not heard from us, distraught at our absence, fuming at our disappearance and whether you are talking to us directly, sending messages, leaving voicemails or turning up at some place where you hope to find us, you are invariably frothing with Proximate Fuel which we lap up. We also benefit from doses of Thought Fuel too.

Whilst that is the instinctive aim of the silent treatment in its many forms from Icy Glare, Cold Shoulder, Incredible Sulk, Invisible Person through to The Ghost, what is actually going through our mind when it is deployed? What is behind the statement above that the use of the silent treatment is our way of killing you?

A silent treatment appears most often as an instinctive manifestation of cold fury as a consequence of you wounding our kind. It may also be used by the higher functioning of our kind as a stand alone measure when there is no wounding and is part of a calculated response designed to further our aims.

Thus the Lesser, whilst far more prone to applying heated fury, is wounded by a perceived criticism and sits silently, staring at the television as his ignited cold fury manifests and you keep providing fuel as you ask him what is wrong. Eventually, the provision of your fuel will heal the wound you have caused and the fury abates and he will just turn and talk to you acting as if nothing has happened. Whilst he is sat there ignoring you his Present Silent Treatment arises because he wishes you dead as a consequence of your traitorous behaviour in criticising him. However, if you are dead then you will not provide fuel and as a consequence this instinctive response is a further example of the contradictory behaviour we engage in, purely to fulfil our needs.

The Lesser wishes you dead. However he also needs your fuel. If you are dead, there is no fuel. Of course, there are occasions where the Lesser loses control and lashes out and actually will kill as a consequence. Where that does not happen, your figurative death is still desired but your fuel must also be gathered. Accordingly, a silent treatment satisfies both of these diametrically opposed consequences. You are treated as dead because you are being ignored but the fuel is still provided.

The Mid-Ranger has a similar instinctive response. He also wishes you dead for your disgraceful and disloyal criticism of him. Of course, he also needs your fuel and given his passive aggressive nature, he is far removed from actually doing something that would kill you. Thus, the silent treatment appeals to him especially. He is not bold enough to drive a knife into you to kill you, so instead he slinks away, coward that he is and slays you through an Absent Silent Treatment. In his mind he satisfies the need to punish you through this ‘death’ yet at the same time he garners fuel from your desperate voicemail messages asking him where he is.

Both the Lesser and especially the Mid-Ranger will use various forms of the Silent Treatment as a means to achieve this killing and it is an instinctive response. The Greater rarely uses the Silent Treatment in an instinctive way. Instead, the Greater recognises its effectiveness from the perspective of using it in a calculated method by which manipulation can be achieved. He will use a brief silent period for the purposes of testing someone, even though he is not wounded. He will decide that somebody needs to learn a lesson in terms of who is in control and whilst he is not wounded, he deems it appropriate to deploy the silent treatment so the victim is subjected to further control. The Greater’s response is not one of wanting you dead; that is the knee-jerk reaction of the Lesser and the Mid-Ranger, that hatred and fury rising as they rail at your audacity in wounding them, their disgust for your craven ways after all they do for you and such is the vitriol towards you that is pumping around their bodies, they wish you dead and the silent treatment is an instinctive way of achieving that whilst catering to the need to exert control and draw fuel. The Greater sees the silent treatment as a way of slaying those elements of your character which you hold dear.

You want to help people. If that person evades you, you cannot help.

You want the truth. If that person has vanished, you can gain no answers to establish why they have done what they have done.

You wish to give them love, but you cannot because they have ghosted you and left you feeling pain instead.

You want to listen and ascertain what the problem is, yet if we will not talk to you, how can you do that?

It is also extremely effective against empathic people. It absolutely gets under the skin of most empathic people. True, there will be some, who, after a time, realise what it is and in turn embrace the respite that comes with such a silence and do not react to it. However, most empathic individuals hate it. They cannot stand the response, the imposition of guilt that it generates, the confusion, the uncertainty caused by a failure to respond (is he just busy or is he ignoring me – a frequent dilemma that causes considerable consternation to the empathic individual ( see Should I Get in Touch )) Accordingly, the Greater knowing just how effective a manipulation this is, will use it as part of his or her ongoing campaign of control as opposed to an instinctive reaction. We Greaters see it as a way to kill your resistance to our control.

The Greater’s approach is one where your various good and empathic traits are denied, frustrated and in effected ‘killed’.

Killing somebody is the ultimate expression of power and control. Life has been taken away. Whilst it cannot be denied that our kind do kill, it is, in the scheme of our numbers, rare. It is also a counter-productive act because if we kill our primary source we lose an excellent provider of fuel and bring about a potential fuel crisis as we have to find a new primary source and usually this must occur quickly. Furthermore, there are of course the potential ramifications arising from the commission of murder, albeit, those considerations are often far from our minds when the act of murder occurs.

We want you dead for your treachery. We want you dead because it is the ultimate expression of power and control. Yet we need you very much alive. The silent treatment satisfies both desires and that is why it is our way of killing you.

Listen to ‘The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No.4’

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29 thoughts on “The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 4”

  1. HG, if one is a live-in primary, and a lesser narc is doling out a (barely contained heated fury) PST
    And I just go about my routine , happy and obv not falling into it, would a typical next move be to suddenly drop the PST and seemingly be in a good mood again, only to draw me into a “discussion” of why he was mad, so that he could then use my responses to fuel more rage?

    1. A Lesser would be more likely to use a verbal assault, possibly a physical to prompt a response.

  2. And what about a victim with Narc traits, HG? Are you ever angered when a victim uses silent treatements against you?

    1. If an Absent Silent Treatment, it wounds and therefore forces to shift to a different manipulation (or different appliance) if the issue of the ST cannot be reached. ASTs from an appliance are rare.
      with a Present Silent Treatment they struggle to stay quiet because they want to speak about the situation, so they are easy to break down.

      1. Yes, I was once a Present Silent Treatment if I understand it. Still around ‘in his life” and battling the dynamic, wanting to talk, lashing out, then going quiet, saying one last time, blah, blah, blah. He would pretend to not read my texts, say so, then let it slip… “Oh, I thought you said this was the last text?”

        But I am now an Absent Silent Treatment. 13 months. I remember when we first started to talk, how he told me it bothered him that someone from his childhood (someone I also knew) didn’t friend him on FB. It thought it so odd at the time. But anyway, our last dynamics was a major fight. I don’t him, “I hope you are proud of what you did. You used me, end of story.” Lots of mutual back and forth raging and then, I went quiet. No more. I really can’t even imagine ever talking to him again. It really sickens me.

        But I wonder what he thinks (not feels, that doesn’t exist)? Is he as disgusted with me as he always said that he was disgusted with me, thought I was crazy, you know that drill. So, is the digust mutual now? What will keep us from every speaking again? And because he and I are only partially blocked, would it anger you is someone thought you were a monster, called you a sociopath, named who you are, also left in disgust, finally did leave?

        I don’t really care what he thinks this is, I am sure he has spun it into his control (he got rid of me), I am sure. I don’t care. I just wonder if there is a part of him that twitches when he thinks of me and if its with irritation and anger that I finally cut him loose and let him go. The reason it comes up is that if all these denigrations he threw my way (you are crazy, sick, bipolar and all that shit) was half contrived and fake, at some point, that impression of me will wear off if that energy from me is gone (fuel gone). So what is left on his side when it does stop reinforcing itself? The intensity of what was me, who I became, is gone. I am gone. I believe only the words that he hates me were true. But you say its not eternally true. Just true in the moment as a narc struggles for freedom and control. So if it is not true, nor did he ever care for me or love me, then what happens when we DO stop giving all and every bit of fuel and disappear? If you knew enough to stay away from an empath who can go extreme super nova on you, and has burned you badly, what do you think about her then?

        You said its rare, but what if it has become a reality for one of your old appliances?

  3. I met a girl that said her b/f left her at a concert venue simply because she took too long getting drinks. I said omg you are with a Narc!

  4. Silent treatment is the best. I like it, in this time I left the narc and found my real love. I will never forget…my narc was so angry, that I did not care about him. It was great😁

  5. If a greater deploys this silent treatment (AST) and the victim dosent respond do they just disengage and think you are not good enough fuel and they file you away for good?

  6. It’s the first few days of the silent treatment that are the worst then after about 10 days the fog begins to clear you are through the first few days of detox and the withdawl symptoms begin to let up a bit and honestly the silent treatment which the Narc thinks is your death becomes the ressurection of the old you pre Narc.

    There are no more arguments. There is no more gaslighting, no more what did he mean by that? and if they block you no more social media checking. It’s freeing

    The fog and the withdrawal symptoms begin to subside and you feel you becoming yourself again. I hate to tell you Narcs but the silent treatment isn’t our death it’s our ressurection but you are obsessed with yourselves and your feeling of power that you don’t see that each silent treatment has less and less impact as your victim begins to see glimpses of their selves returning.

    1. Lori , my first escape felt good right away because I was in such bad shape that the respite was amazing. When I started to feel better it became harder . Now I am starting to disengage while I am still in contact … I think if I would escape things would be quite easier this time around.

      1. Narcs are extremely short sighted in every aspect of their life which arises out of their need for quick shots of supply instead of meaningful relationships.

        This applies to silent treatment as well. They are very short sighted with this as yes it’s highly effective in the beginning, but as time goes on and after multiple applications, the silent treatment become less potent and effective. So the tactic used to assert control to keep you bound, eventually pushes you completely away and grants you freedom

      2. That is not quite accurate. We are certainly creatures of expedience who operate in the now, but Greaters are far from short-sighted.

      3. You describe it perfectly and it is true for everything else they do. Eventually you get tired of their short sighted tactics – and you slowly move away emotionally… I think the real freedom comes from there.

      4. Lori.. I totally agree! The longer they pull the ST the more out of your mind they get. Possibly a double edged sword for them and they should be careful what they wish for because I believe there are alot of victims out there that wouldn’t be so inclined to take them back and it backfires.

    2. THAT is truth. as long as emotional thinking abates enough, and the longer they go, the better chance of sanity returning. That’s why they tend to show up JUST as we are getting ready to move on…like they have radar for that moment.

      1. It’s not really radar. They are so attuned to watch for emotional cues and reactions that they see the most subtle forms of a change in your behavior. They notice little things like oh she went 5 more hours before contacting me etc.. the smallest of details clue them into to knowing they are losing control of you

    3. LORI , I CAN’T WAIT ,TO FEEL GOOD AGAIN , EAT WITH AN WANT,LAUGH , SMILE , LOVE AGAIN!🐈🐈🐈🐈!SLEEP GOOD , SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO!

      1. Agree … last night I was invited at friends who cook like gods and I have eaten so much with great appetite as I have not in a good 8 months.

        I came back home telling myself that I was getting much better. When the appetite comes back and it really tastes good you know that you are on the way up !

  7. Right on the mark, HG.
    The last guy did almost kill me, choking me until I passed out. When I came back, the beatings continued.
    Death in physical form is a very real thing.
    I thought so badly of myself that I didn’t care. I loved him. It’s sad to love and not feel love back. You’re right…why would I stay with someone who hates me?
    Cheers to reading on!!!

  8. Narc 4 applied silent treatment very early into the relationship .
    I thought that was really bizarre so I did not reacted and did not ran after him.
    He texted back 2 days after saying He needed to think , everything is going so fast between us.

    Knowing what I know now – I would have run away right away .

    He did it again and again and the worst did it at new year while I was abroad . No happy new year – nothing – not a single text or nudge.

    Silent treatment = run baby run

    1. He did with me as well. I actually got an explanation for one of his silent treatements. It made me quite sad to put it together. FB has search features that return different results and one day, one came up of a post to his page from one of his flames (I suspect someone he might have asked to marry him). She said, she couldn’t wait to see him in July for Mardi Gras. I looked at the date. July. I went back and found when he at one point, had disappeared for a month. He knew it was exactly a month. I had never contacted him during that time though. I can’t even remember if it was me or him who reached out. But I remember how it stood out that he said he was out working/partying for a month and that was how long since we had spoken. I now realized, he had her visit him. Exactly a few weeks before he had me come to see him. No wonder he was such a total jackass when I did. He always knew how long his silent treatments had gone on for. Always. they were planned, calculated, or the result of attention on another appliance.

      Yeah, RUN. Anyone who knows how long since you last saw them, is telling you they are keeping track, is telling you they are manipulating you and controling you with them.

      1. I love that observation about anyone that knows exactly how long had it planned. That makes me réalisé that my narcs always knows the number of days since I last saw him etc great story despite the sadness of it !

  9. All mind games which just kill you in the end..but of course those mind games are yours and yours alone.

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