Sins of the Empath : Positivity
Positivity. Positive outlook. Optimism. The empathic individual which is the target for our kind is blessed with positivity. This ingrained positivity allows them to see the good in people, it enables them to find the silver lining in the gathered storm clouds and grants a motivating factor. By adopting a positive outlook in their life, the empathic individual is inspired to achieve more, to dispel the bad and seize on whatever goodness they can identify, even if it is the merest kernel. This trait enables the empathic individual to cast their optimistic eyes over the bleakest of scenarios and see that there is something good which can be learned from the experience, something decent which is in the pipeline and something to be cherished. In its purest form it manifests as a blind optimism and this powers the empathic individual so they are able to overcome what might be regarded as insurmountable by lesser individuals.
This empathic trait causes the relevant person to reflect on what they have learned from an experience, how the occasion was good for them in testing them, causing them to utilise their resources and to work out a way forward when faced with a problem. Whilst a normal individual might bemoan the situation that has befallen them (and indeed our kind would address it by blaming everybody else and leaving them to pick up the pieces), the empathic individual’s innate positivity causes them to see an opportunity. They see the chance to enrich their own experience, to grow as a person and to demonstrate that with positive thought, positive action and positive attitude no problem is too great, no issue is incapable of resolution and no setback is forever.
Whilst being imbued with this sense of positivity allows an empathic individual to demonstrate fortitude, pragmatism and optimism in their lives and thus they bring with them the capacity to enrich the lives of others, the trait of positivity also generates problems when dealing with our kind.
The positivity invariably blinds the empathic person to what they are actually dealing with. The false positivity which we radiated through our love bombing and the golden period convinces the empathic person that we are indeed a ‘good’ person. Thus, when the monster appears during devaluation, rather than see it for what it is, the manipulations and machinations of a twisted and abusive person, the positive empath strives to harness the good which once existed again. This creates a near indefatigable spirit which in turn causes the empathic person to remain in our grip for far longer than is good for them.
Naturally, this is of no concern to us since we want you to remain in our grip. We want you bound to us and your unrelenting belief that the goodness that you have seen can be brought to the fore again is a weakness of this positivity and invariably puts you at risk. When others would retreat in the face of the eroding and savage manipulations, the empathic individual remains positive. Not only do they wish to sweep away the darkness and find the good in us once again, they regard it as a test of their resolve and therefore increase their positive outlook in order to cater with the slings and arrows which are sent their way.
This positivity lend itself to the making of excuses. Rather than realise that they have been entangled by a deceitful, manipulative abuser, the empathic individual will look to environmental factors – such as the fact that we are tired, stressed or over-worked since that must be what it is that is clouding our innate and once seen inner goodness. If those external factors continue to fail to explain our behaviours, the empathic individual will become introspective and consider that the problem has arisen as a consequence of some failing on their part. They consider that they have not shown us enough love, not asked us how our days has gone, not been supportive enough when we have faced a challenge, not cooked our steak correctly and ever more trivial and meaningless excuses which are trotted out in order to maintain a positive outlook and not give in.
By adopting positivity, the empathic individual places stock in the fact that with the right effort and application things will be worked out and once more will be good again. When a respite period is granted by us during the devaluation, the empathic individual will seize on this as evidence of how their positive outlook has reaped rewards. By hanging in there, never giving up and remaining upbeat they have allowed their positivity to shine through and this has saved the day. Once again however, this dedication to remaining positive has caused the empathic person to fail to notice that this is all part of the ongoing manipulation and is just a brief and passing restoration of the illusion that is the golden period and is done to exploit this belief in remaining positive.
Positivity causes the empath to misguidedly believe that we can be fixed and healed. This positive outlook means that when an objective third party points out the reality of the situation to the empath, they smile and thank them for their observation but find an excuse and point to how remaining true to being positive will once again resolve the issues. The viewpoint is one of if you want something enough then the universe will provide it to you and those with a positive outlook do not waste time wondering why things do not happen as they wish, but rather they do something to bring about what they want and to change things. This attitude may be appropriate to securing a promotion at work, saving to purchase your dream home or being thought of as a kind person by your friends, but it only serves to blind you to what you have been entangled with when it comes to our kind.
It means you are enmeshed with us for longer than you ought to be. It means you suffer the devaluation and all of its awful outcomes to a greater degree than you should. It means that you remain highly susceptible to being hoovered post discard because you believe that we will ultimately see the error of our ways and that we will recognise we have done wrong so that we return to the wonderful, loving and charming person that once seduced you.
Those with this empathic trait in intense amounts will not countenance the manifestation of negativity. They will fight down their anger and replace it with concern. They will dissolve their frustration and exhibit caring instead. This sublimation of emotions only serves to encourage our devaluation as we strive to shatter the positivity and see the tears, the hurt and the despair. Your rejection of negativity means you will not hear ill spoken of us, you will not blame us for what we do and rather than take heed of the negative thoughts which will and do manifest in your mind, you try to force them to one side by engaging in your trait of positivity.
This is a dangerous path to tread. Not only does it blind you to what we are and bind us to you for longer, it means that ultimately you are setting yourself up for devastating disappointment. When the full force of our machinations have been unleashed against you and your considerable coping abilities have been stretched beyond endurance, once this all comes crashing down, the height from which you maintained your positivity means that your fall is all the harder, longer and more painful.
When that discard takes you by surprise, you plummet from your perch of positivity and crash into the dirt, bewildered, exhausted and drained. Yet, it does not take long for this positive trait to re-appear as you soon begin to apply it again, making excuses for why we disappeared, making plans for how matters can be resolved if we just sit down and have a constructive conversation together and how it was good for you to experience this despair, because now you know more than you once did and you can apply this learned experience to your and our advantage by winning us back and helping us with our problems. You can tease out that inner goodness because you will not allow yourself to think it does not exist. To do so offends your sense of positivity.
Negative thoughts however can serve a positive purpose for you, if only you would listen to them. Negative thoughts such as fear manifest to tell you to protect yourself, to defend yourself and to get away from the danger. You however remain in the firing line because you reject the negative and embrace the positive. A negative thought such as feeling unappreciated, lonely or hurt should be recognised as a warning and acted upon, however, the strength of your positivity will invariably override this until it is too late. Indeed, there are those whose degree of positivity is so great that they have become deluded as to what we are and how dangerous we are to you. They are blinded and no matter how often we dole out our cruel treatments, no matter how often others point out the harm that is being caused, they cannot see it because of the effect of their innate positivity.
To do so is indeed a sin in the context of being ensnared with our kind.
The positivity which you should embrace ought to be applied to yourself; that your encounter with us should cause you to learn what we are and how to avoid and evade us in the future.
19 thoughts on “Sins of the Empath : Positivity”
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HG and all
Is it ever possible that a primary source could ever be enough?
If they danced to your every tune and jumped through every hoop could you give them monogamy? could they be your only intimate partner.
If so can you tell me what sort of tunes and hoops would those be? tell me all that I would have to be and all that I would have to do to be the only one.
Or is monogamy something you could never give even if we made everything perfect. Is behaving perfectly for the narc never enough fuel so stop you needing intimacy with another.
Can I ask how long was the longest time you had intimately with just your intimate primary source?
could that monogamy have continued if she had done everything to your liking?
If she did everything to your liking would you still want a secondary source because it is not enough fuel from one, or someone being perfect for you all the time would be boring?
Would you rather spoil that perfection, if it made you really happy, simply to gain the negative fuel? could you not just get that negative fuel from another source and just let your life with your primary source stay tranquil and content?
Do you think you have to have true love that you cant give to keep relationships monogamous? or even like you unable to give or feel true love can you still give fidelity if everything in the relationship is perfect?
That’s what I wrestle with every day is that I wonder if I had jumped through all those hoops would we be happy together, I feel that he may well have stayed loyal to me if I had done, though I know it would of taken all my strength to cope with his other difficult behaviours.
Will always wonder if he would have stayed faithful and if I could have been strong and resilient enough to cope with the difficult life he would give me at the cost to stay loyal to me.
I did not allow myself to jump through all the hoops at the beginning but at the end I did offer to when rejection hit those childhood wounds, that umbilical connection with rejection and childhood, but it was too late, to offer to jump through those hoops at a later date wasn’t good enough, i had missed that opportunity and I know deep down its my salvation that he never gave me another chance, as I now know through learning that he was sourcing new supply.
This is the masochistic nature of my broken inner being, that it actually took rejection to make me want to try on that journey and now I have the pain of never finding out the outcomes.
I must try always to remember it was a lucky escape, but it just doesn’t feel like it yet.
I guess when I’m sure I wont want to find out anymore, will be the day I know I’m healed.
I think the healing has started and I hope it is a fast process, I know although I’m often sad I’m not hoovered I am recognising deep down it is my salvation but I’m still left with that throbbing empty void inside and ridiculous wishing to start my journey with him again and do it all different.
It takes a lot to admit to these weaknesses and stupidities as I have huge pride and it hurts me so much to belittle myself in this way, to admit that I could be so weak or maybe some would see it as strength,
I am ashamed of myself but feel it is part of my therapy to not hide what I am ashamed of, as does the Narc, but to be open about all my weakness and shame, for only to open up myself in my shame can I heal.
Lynn
The fuel becomes stale.
This is my article! I thought I was the only one! (I’m guessing I’m not since HG has so eloquently put into words a summation of my life outlook without ever meeting me.) It is articles such as these that make me accuse him of being able to “see” me. HG’s skill at dissecting and illuminating the empathic soul with the precision of a micro surgeon never ceases to leave me filled with awe.
“Those with this empathic trait in intense amounts will not countenance the manifestation of negativity.”
I know I cannot. If I allow it in, a part of who I am will die.
So, what’s the difference between blind optimism and gullibility? Does it depend on whose glasses you are looking through?
I was saved by positivity as much as you’ve been saved by narcissism (negativity). Of course there are also secondary effects on both sides (not for you, obviously 😉 ).
With age/in time…we all perfected our “arts”. I’ve learned to test others before giving them a part of my trust. I see constant learning as one of life’s purposes.
Guilty as charged.
HG–excellent article. I felt like you wrote the first part about me. From a young age I embraced an optimistic attitude and it served me well most of my life….until I met your kind. Just as your article stated, I asked myself what can I learn from this experience. You are spot on!
I choose to continue to be positive–yet when there is the first red flag–I now choose to flee-rather than blame the negative behaviors on eternal factors. As you know–it’s internal.
Thanks for all your insightful articles. I am curious to know, what made you decide to be transparent in such an open forum?
Thank you. See the About section with regard to your question Tra.
I still believe everything happens for a reason. I still believe that god will continue to give us the lessons we need to learn until we finally get it. I’m in a place where I’m incredibly sad that I’ve lost my rose colored glasses. I miss being positive and seeing the good in everyone.
The reality is that I’ve been surrounded by narcissists my whole life and up until this blog I hadn’t realized it. I’ve been living in la la land making excuses for people. I want to be positive. I feel incredibly broken.
I am still trying to narrow down the lessons I can take away from this (him-the MMRN) to be better. I feel like part of me wants to give in and be bitter. He was the straw the broke the 🐫 back.
Sophia, please know that you have endlessly regenerating positivity, along with a host of other healing traits which are inherent in you. You’re feeling drained of them right now, but you will refill. HG has given excellent guidance by suggesting you aim your healing traits at yourself. Especially now, when you are feeling broken. You feel this way because you’re depleted and injured. Empaths do not come with safety features, but we can come to recognize the signals that all narcs give. Your gut probably WAS sending you warnings and you experienced the cognitive dissonance, but didn’t know why. You can develop that skill while you regenerate and heal. HG’s insight will give you what you need to move forward.
It does happen for a reason. THey reflect back to us our weaknessses and where we are wounded. In your case, you have come to know you have been sorrounded by Narcs by most of your life and likely have weaker boundaries as a result.
Until recently, I never knew how many of these people have been close to me. I have actually had several in my life
I don’t need to write a letter to my narcissist. If I ever write – doubtful – I may just send this. I am proud to be positive, even if it cost me some hurt in the short run.
Yes all so true, I saw the red flags many times but I couldn’t let go, he did such a great job with the love bombing I knew something was wrong but was so sure I could fix things.
Although positivity has left me right now..feelung low . It seems I’m not safe anywhere, even here. Ugh!!! And it pisses me off.
Being here has helped me so much…and I need it.
My ex always finds me. I will say goodbye, thank you, and buy HG’s books.
Absolute truth!
Well things are looking up. Finally a sin I am not guilty of!
What type of Narc are you?
She isn’t one.
Thank you HG
This got me thinking – if someone posts here that they are a narc, does that automatically make them a greater – if they are indeed a narc and not delusional/a troll?