5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 4 The Need To “Sign Off”

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The most common conclusion to the romantic entanglement with our kind is for you to be discarded. Certainly this is what happens the first time around for most people. Later on, the likelihood of it ending because you escape increases as a consequence of either increased knowledge or awareness and/or being unwilling or unable to endure the consequences of your treatment for any longer.

Where you have been discarded, it is understandably common for victims to do a number of things, which includes :-

  1. Trying to resurrect the Formal Relationship with us;
  2. Wanting answers as to why you were discarded;
  3. Wanting answers to understand how you have been treated;
  4. Wanting to address outstanding issues such as financial and/or property issues;
  5. Wanting us to understand how much you love us/you are hurt/you are angry etc

Whilst you may want to tear a strip off us and give us a piece of your mind it is usually the case when you have been discarded that your response is not so much an aggressive one, but more one of bewilderment, pleading, trying to get together again and sort matters out, or eventual resignation and hurt with a recognition of the need to tie up those loose ends such as money owed, the return of possessions and so forth. The general stance by those discarded is not usually aggressive in nature.

When you have been discarded from being our Intimate Partner Primary Source this has happened most of the time because you have been replaced by somebody else. We have somebody new, exciting and with that wonderful positive fuel which we want to last forever. This means that you will be effectively deleted from our minds. This is the ideal opportunity for you to establish your no contact. We have focused elsewhere and we do not want you interfering with our new embedded primary source. You are actually being given a head start at no contact but most people do not take this opportunity. This is because they cannot make sense of what has happened to them, nor what they need to do. They remain in the emotional sea and unable to make any progress.

The desire to sign off and gain some kind of closure by engaging in items 1-5 above (and more besides) means that you try to contact us, whether it is in person, by letter, telephone call or electronic message. At best you will be politely rebuffed and if you accept that rejection and stay out of our way, you are highly unlikely to hear anything more from us until the new primary source is devalued and we come after you by virtue of the hoover. However, if you continue to want to achieve the “sign off” by engaging in sustained contact you will receive malign hoovers to drive you away. You will be smeared even further and you will be triangulated with the new primary source.

However it will not end there.

If you eventually stay away and look at implementing no contact, your post discard behaviour has generated a significant risk to maintaining that no contact. You have already been painted black by virtue of being a treacherous and failed appliance. Your failure to accept you have been discarded (because you keep contacting us) not only infuriates us because we see it as our right to engage in the golden period with the new primary source free from interference from you, but you are failing to do what we want. Yes, we will issue malign hoovers for the purposes of drawing negative fuel from you when there is engagement. Your insolent behaviour for not  staying out of our way means that when Follow-Up Hoovers occur at a later stage (subject as ever to the Hoover Trigger and Hoover Execution Criteria) is likely to result in a malice obsession trigger so that there are repeated Hoover Triggers and that we will embark on a malign campaign against you.

Thus, when your replacement is being devalued, we will be seeking a replacement and one of two things will happen. We will either devalue the existing primary source, seduce a fresh prospective primary source AND malign hoover you by way of punishment or we will devalue the existing primary source, seduce you once again and do so purely for the purpose of drawing you back in. You will be drawn back in but only as an Intimate Partner Secondary Source and then we will torment you. You will be placed on the shelf for long periods by way of punishment. You will be subjected to devaluing behaviour, this being one of the exceptions to when IPSSs usually enjoy elongated golden periods.

It tends to be the case that the Lesser and Lower Mid Rangers will adopt for the malign hoover campaign only. The Upper Mid Ranger and Greaters will adopt one or the other given their greater degree of sophistication and calculation.

Thus the desire to seek some kind of sign off with us when we discard you has numerous effects but so far as no contact is concerned you have created the risk that we will come after you with a vengeance either in a malign fashion or to torment you further by bringing you back under our wing in a supposedly benign fashion.

Your repeated failure to do what we wanted post discard means you run the risk of creating a malice obsession with us and thus this will cause repeated Hoover Triggers so that in ordinary circumstances you may well have reduced the Hoover Triggers to a very low level, but now, you are causing them frequently with the consequences that follow as we keep hoovering looking to disrupt your attempt at no contact.

Thus, that is the risk where you have been discarded. What of when you have escaped?

In this situation you are far more likely to have resolve, worked things out, planned and perhaps you even know what we are. Combine this with how you have been treated by us means that the desire to “sign off”with us in some way is huge. In the case of your escape, this manifests usually in the following ways:-

  1. Seeking to expose us to third parties;
  2. Telling us how terrible we are;
  3. Looking to hurt us in some way;
  4. Unleashing your anger on us;
  5. Telling us we need to change and seek help.

In essence your sign off is not so much about seeking answers and/or sorting things out as it might be when you have been discarded but it is about getting one over on us.

You will undoubtedly feel better for telling us what  obnoxious, unfaithful, hurtful bastards we are. You will feel a sense of relief at telling us how you hate us or how you pity us. You will feel a sense of accomplishment by telling us what we are. However with all of that comes a considerable risk to the no contact you will want to put in place once you have escaped.

First of all, the usual “sign off” is done in a fuel filled manner. If you confront us you will be utterly unable to deliver your tirade or announcement without giving us fuel. Even if by telephone or in a letter it will be fuel filled. I have seen it often. This means that your last act as you escape is to remind us of what an excellent fuel provider you are. The consequence of this means that the Initial Grand Hoover which follows as we seek to bring you back under our control will be fiercer. If the IGH does not work and we are forced to find a new primary source, when there is a Hoover Trigger for a Follow-Up Hoover further in time, you will automatically lower  the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria because you have given us an excellent fuel imprint at “sign off”. Thus you increase the risk of successful hoovers.

If you have wounded us through this sign off (which usually happens with exposure attempts rather than your final message to us) then this  creates a risk to your intended no contact. The IGH becomes furious as we are driven to assert control, gain fuel and heal the wound. You will also have created the risk of causing a malice obsession so that if the IGH fails, you have increased the risk of Hoover Triggers when we devalue your replacement. Thus when you are trying to maintain no contact we will keep hoovering you with intensity. Either from a frenzied IGH or later through repeatedly triggered Follow-Up Hoovers which will be malign in nature.

Accordingly, whilst the desire to “sign off” with us in some way will be either inevitable (post discard since you do not know what you are dealing with) or difficult to resist (post escape because you want your final say to us) the fact of signing off will increase the risk that your no contact implementation will fail.

Resist the temptation to sign off and thus maximise your chances of a successful no contact implementation.

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16 thoughts on “5 Common No Contact Mistakes – No. 4 The Need To “Sign Off””

  1. This has nothing to do with a close relationship

    Who ever came up with “The Customer is always right” needs to be taken down to the firing range and shot!!

  2. I signed off many times. But during those times, it was not getting alot of things, not just about him, but about myself as well. So it was never fully meant, full of CD, and so much hurt. But by the time I was done though, I signed off with as equal a mountain of discards as he delivered to me. My weakness in all of it, was to deny when he first hurt me again. That was my downfall. A few more happened after that, but by the time I was ready to stand by how badly he had hurt me, I held not a thing back in my final ‘sign off’.

    Question though, HG, when the Super Nova Crazed Empath dishes out as much as the narc, does anyone ever get the last sign off? Who decides who leaves with the most power in the Narc Dance of Hell when it has gone totally nuclear?

    If its true, that only some empaths do and can go so Super Nova, because they have narc traits that for the most part, remain dormant for lack of a better word, but they are fully activated by the narc, and I in the end took my own level of fuel from his wounded reactions, from my controlling him by attacking and denigrating him and discarding him and being glad that I could actually hurt him (wound, cause rage, bitterness) and affect him, too, but in the end, we were almost mirroring each narcisissm, where does it really stand? Not from the point of view of Hoover Risks, but where does it stand when we fought an insane psychological duel and I know we both left our marks in each other in terms of wounding and we both got off on it in our sick ways but I am not left pinning (the empath part of me) and he doesn’t and didn’t ever give a shit.

    The only one who would get any kind of fuel now would be the one who reaches out. I reach out, he wins, he gets the fuel by ignoring me and leaving it like that. He reaches out and I do the same, given above and what I know. I think he knows this and I know this. We are at a silent, stand down and nothing more than that and whoever breaks this loses and gives the other the win. I can only say this is the reality because of what I said and did at the end. But during many other points in the dance, much earlier, much in your post applied because I wasn’t getting it but once the red button was pushed and nuclear warfare started, it all shifted.

    1. Nobody decides. The victim may escape, the narcissist will hoover, the hoover may succeed, the hoover may not succeed, on and on it will go, on and off, dancing around and around.

      1. Ok. I get it sort of. I always knew he was never done with me. I took it all wrong though. I thought it was because he really really cared. I need help now then because I am slowly giving up. Giving in. He wins. But he can’t. So I know we talked before about me talking to you, but I could never focus it. Him? My effed mother? So it’s slowly focusing on what I would say with a consult. I feel him more and more lately, and its getting louder. Am I making this up? If I am, then that is what I need help on. I need to know why I create something that is not even there.

  3. Hopped on here hoping to hear your insights on Bill Cosby!! Narcissist??
    Reading this reminds me that my ex mid ranger definitely has a malice obsession with me. And what’s hilarious is that I know it’s because I beat him at his game and didn’t roll over like the other woman.
    I know him so very well. I understand that his malice stems from my ultimate rejection of him and exposure of who he is. That is his greatest fear. People figuring out who he really is, because then his fuel is gone.
    Ultimately, narcissists create the ultimate cognitive dissonance for us empaths. I struggle even hearing about Bill Cosby. It’s hard for us to face that people can be so twisted and evil. It’s so foreign to our kind, truthful ways.
    But I encourage you all that it does get better! Men with narcissist traits now make me cringe. I am utterly repulsed and I used to be so attracted to those traits! However, the tough part is believing their are normals out there. When all you’ve experienced are narc men, it’s a battle to trust. I do believe in red flags though, and I run at their first sign now, thanks to H. G.’s insights!

  4. Experienced it all with the exception of number 4 in the first five statements after being discarded. It is as if someone was watching a reality T.V show,observing the drama, taking notes, then dissecting it all and explaining it to me 25 years later. I just can’t get over how the narcissism is so prominent yet no one gets prepared or taught about it. Perhaps it is due to lack of awareness, narcissists in positions where they know they have the upper hand and keep it that way. At home, in educational facilities, the religions, work places, etc…. HG. Perhaps a T.V show or multi episode documentary on the subject. Narcissism is real. There are so many shows about E.Ts and U.F.O s on T.V these days. I have seen something in the sky before not sure what it was but not positive it was a U.F.O. Perhaps it was just an orange glowing weather balloon. I have seen a narcissist before though glowing in all their glory. 100% on that! Problem is that people think you are crazy if you talk about narcissism too. We need this cover up to be exposed. Such T.V series would probably cause the massive decline of society as we know it. Ever think of such an undertaking? Great article.

    1. RJ, my thoughts about educating others exactly. Like a Sirius satellite radio channel hosted by HG. Narc Angel has mentioned an All Narc Network (tv station) with, in addition to the serious stuff, lightens up and applies the learnings via new twists on traditional game shows: ‘The Narc is (Always) Right’, ‘Jeopardy’, ‘Who Wants to be an IPPS?’. How about HG appearing on Dr. Phil or some of those BBC radio spots that highlight subjects not talked about often (I heard one on loneliness just recently). I feel the need to help spread the word.

  5. I am glad you consider us only tertiary supply because then you will not hurt us no matter how fuel-iffic we are.

  6. Oh, i guess it should be mentioned that i left him…and regrettably let him know (albeit calmly) what i thought about his disorder and from where i theorized it stemmed…

  7. I left my narcissist 6 weeks ago. His hoovering attempts have vascillated between grand/nostalgic/“kind” and awful/threatening/malignant. Throughout i maintained NC and he has contacted me in several different ways for the entire time. I’ve not heard from him for 7 days. I guess i am naively hoping he has found another IPPS (though i wishe that on NO ONE) and that he won’t contact me anymore…but i still have that underlying feeling of dread, like it is the calm before the storm.
    After reading these entries and posts, which have been invaluably educational in my own recovery, is it safe to say i am wrong in my naïveté and that i will be hearing from him again in the future?

    1. Hello NMN, the answer to the question is it is not guaranteed you will, but neither is it guaranteed that you won’t. Unless you take steps to impose a rigid no contact it is highly likely you will be hoovered at some future points.

  8. I escaped—while he was away on business. Heh

    THIS time I learned never to do any of the following:

    “Seeking to expose us to third parties;
    Telling us how terrible we are;
    Looking to hurt us in some way;
    Unleashing your anger on us;
    Telling us we need to change and seek help.”

    Instead, I inflicted the greatest wound I could, NC—learned from HG, of course. I removed all fuel. All positive, all negative, all everything. Without HG,I’d never have known about “fuel.” I would have repeated all of the above. So, I pretended that he was dead. Not a difficult feat.

    For anyone reading this blog for the first time & you happen upon this comment, please know that the information on here will be *invaluable* to you. All the other authors I read ‘validated’ me. Here, I’ve become a student of narcissism. Knowledge is power. And I finally feel like I’ve gotten mine back again.

    HG, I’d thank you again but feel I’m becoming redundant in that regard. Plus, I’m building up your fuel supply too much (even though I’m tertiary).

    1. You are welcome. Your appreciation is noted. Do not be concerned about the provision of fuel, it is just a dollop.

    2. 69 Revolver:

      Congrats on your progress and going NC! Not giving fuel and not giving a damn is the best way to wound him. Like you, I did not know about fuel until HG either. There is all kinds of information about “narcissistic supply” which I always assumed meant praising them. It’s through HG’s sharing about fuel, how negative fuel can be as delicious as positive, that I fully understood that some folks actually THRIVE off messing with others’ heads and causing them pain. I never understood that before coming to this site.

      Thank you, HG.

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