A Letter To The Narcissist – No. 7


For you, S****** 

It has been two years since we were together as a couple, and I still think about you, purely because I loved you. I have come to realize through reading a most wonderful author, HG Tudor( I suggest you look him up to understand why) that you never loved me as you so often professed to me, instead you just loved the way I made you feel. I can sense your distain at that comment. But that feeling you have attached to attraction, is called fuel. My love for you fueled you to remain with me, until I began to question your behaviour and then that fuel lessened in value to you. Which is why you moved from me to her. And you will then move from her to another. 

I am writing you this letter to let you know, I too have moved on from you. In the emotional sense now. It has taken me much longer, as my feelings for you were genuine. I hold no resentment towards you, S******. As I now realize what you did, you did out of your own necessity to be. I know you say that you still love me. Part of me believes that to be true. But, no longer for the reasons I once believed. 

I will not be writing to you again S*****, but this one time. Do not see this letter as an opportunity to reconnect with me romantically. It will only wound you to do so, when I do not respond as you might hope I would. We are two different people, who seek different things from life. Even though we both sought one another before. Our worlds no longer mesh, but only collide.

I would wish you happiness, but I have learned that sadly enough, it is not in the cards for you. Your sense of anything close to happiness is in the fuel you get from others that surround your life. But that sensation can never come from me again. Outside of this brief letter. 

 I will remember you for the good times. But, it will be the bad times that will allow me to keep my distance from you. If both of us had of been real in our relationship( I being real/ genuine, you being not) we may have worked together. But, life isn’t build on ifs or could have been or maybes. It is built on reality. The reality of us is, our values and needs differ far too much to co exist.

Once yours, 

22 thoughts on “A Letter To The Narcissist – No. 7

  1. LYNN says:

    Such a great letter AL. Others strength strengthens me. Thankyou

  2. Kate says:

    Narc Angel,

    Thanks for getting my meaning and completing the visual..

  3. analise13 says:

    HG, I was no longer receiving email notifications for the blog.
    And had a devil of time signing into WordPress, just now.
    Wordpress must have changed it’s format.
    So, I hope I have fixed the email notification issue.

    I was surprised to sign into word press after several months
    and see comments for a letter I wrote back in the Autumn.
    Upon reading the comments.
    I was more surprised.
    Although most of these comments are not related to my letter or myself.
    I will respond to each accordingly.
    To give thanks and clear up misconceptions.

    I personally, think the letter writing exercise is a wonderful opportunity.
    HG has allowed each of us to share and to understand one another’s journeys.
    Even if the person these letters are directed to never reads them.
    Which they are never meant to.
    The responses we receive here, can be helpful and telling as well.
    In how and why our words impact others emotionally.

    Although I do not post as much,
    I do continue reading when I can.
    I do, appreciate HGs work,
    despite not being in love with him.

    Lisa, Joele1 and H , thank you for your comments,
    support and understanding the meaning of my letter.

    Ultra Empath, I can assure you that you are 100% Wrong in your assumption.
    I have maintained no contact for over two and half years.
    Two of which were before I even found HGs blog.

    I did not then, nor do I now, ever want him back.
    I did love him, that was why I was in a relationship with him.
    I also do not hate him.
    This was simply a writing exercise of words
    for my own healing and curiousity.

    When we departed one another,
    He knew I would not take him back.
    We both moved on and one of us is happier for it.
    Hint, it is not him.
    And, I am not on fire.

    What was it that you hoped I got?
    I would not want to assume what you may have meant by the words you wrote.

    Isto, if you continue readiing.
    I am certain there Will be letters that are much more fuel filled and to your particular dialogue and taste.
    I am pleased to know, mine is not one of them.

    Melinda, thank you for sharing your letter here.
    I imagine I am one you have not yet compartmentalized.
    I do not fall under any of the categories you listed.
    But. You apparently do.
    I hope you can save others from narcissistic abuse
    By sharing what you have learned here.

    Kate, I agree a short concise letter with no emotion would work best.
    But, no letter with zero letters is most optimal.
    You letter is as HG stated, all fuel.
    So, even in its brevity, it is more counter productive then mine.
    Plus I do not adhere to revenge, violence or hate.

    HG, thank you for the work you continue to do.
    Reading here helps reinforce why I must do so.
    For my own well being and family.
    Same as my forgiveness and letting go.

    I will leave with a quote which can encompass many feelings, including hate, vitriol, revenge and blame.
    Pick your poison.
    “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

    1. Melinda says:

      Annalise, Melinda here. I’m checking in to respectfully read if anyone commented on my blog yesterday. I was in the know-it-all category when I wrote it.

      I have never blogged before on any site. I googled, prior to my escape from my ex, Twin Flames because my ex was trying to convince me that was what we were–soulmates. And then a miracle happened . . . narcsite came up also so I started reading it. U all saved my butt. (Men will kiss my ass, but women will save it.)

      I had never been with a narc before. So you all in ur own unique style and ways schooled me thus I figured him out to be a Greater. Everything that was going on between he and me suddenly started making sense.

      But I made mistakes prior to my escape from him–I had very limited knowledge, not having read HG’s books yet plus I was anxious to end the illusion.

      My escape was inspired by all of you!! (Thank you!!! I hope I can do that for someone someday . . . paying it forward.) My pride got in the way so I called him out on it. He knew. He had been professionally diagnosed at age 19. He was fully aware. He played me for 7 long months. He wanted my friends, all my money, my house, you name it . . . .

      My calling him out and going supernova on him, my justifiable anger and pride, lead to him imprisoning me for 3 hours wherein he brutally raped me twice. All lead up to me getting a restraining order . . . which he violated within days of being served . . . .

      I’m choosing to journal instead of blogging now. I have always preferred 1:1 contact with people I meet vs texting . . . I used to be personable and I hope to regain my true self again someday. Being who I am (I luv Popeye, I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam). The 1:1 consult I had with HG was incredibly helpful.

      This forum doesnt suit me well becuz I get so angry I just go off and forget we r not an illusion . . . we r real people with real emotions with one commonality–ensnarement by one or some more than one narc. I also started to feel as if I was being ensnared by narcsite! lol . . . I know, get some professional help, right?

      I luv you all as best I can right now and wish all the best life has to offer. I feel we earned it. Your Melinda

      1. analise13 says:

        Hi Melinda

        I thought because you said you fell in love with HG a bit, it was that category.
        Thank you for taking the time to explain.

        Melinda. I am so sorry for that horrific experience you had with a narcissist.
        Maybe it would help you to sit down and fully compose a letter yourself
        to him from where you are feeling now after escaping.

        Write it and read it and look at it as unemotional as possible.
        Journaling is a wonderful to release your emotions.

        I often think those who lash out in any way,
        must be doing so because of their own pain they feel inside.
        Most are not able to admit it to themeselves or others.
        They instead become defensive and remain in denial.
        Thank you for opening up, honestly.

        I think in doing so, others may understand where you are at now, as well.
        I try not to be harsh to others.
        See another’s perspective.
        I can be pointed though.
        Which is why,
        I choose to ask questions,
        more then comment.
        I think you need a place like this forum to help heal.
        By gaining insight.
        Even if it is just to read and comment occasionally.

        My suggestion would be to do as you did here.
        If you find yourself lashing out.
        Reread what you wrote.
        Before hitting send.
        If you cannot do that.
        And do send.
        Then try to explain your position
        As honestly as possible.
        I think most would be understanding.
        I hope so.

  4. UltraEmpath says:

    “Do not see this letter as an opportunity to reconnect with me romantically”
    Liar liar, pants on fire. That’s EXACTLY what she wants. I hope she gets it, I have no sympathy for the willfully ignorant.

  5. K says:

    Although I did send you a virtual pair of knickers, I am not in love with you. I have pretty good boundaries, plus, you are not my type; you are a narcissist. And I don’t think I am a sycophant either. Hmmm…educated and enlightened is more like it.

  6. Melinda says:

    Hi, HG. I haven’t fully analyzed (compartmentalized) all of your bloggers, but a fair amount . . . and I know you know us all well. Empaths come in all interesting shapes and sizes, but narcs? Ah you can write books about them. I know which of your followers are in love with you–the stand by your man sorts–lol, the forever lost ones, the damaged beyond repair, the know-it-alls, your minions, etc. This is my story.

    My ex boyfriend is a cerebral greater. I know he thinks he is an elitist but I’ll leave the answer to whether he is or not to speculation. I no longer care. When I think of him, becuz unfortunately I do, I know I need an exorcist.

    Before him, I had a good man. We met in grade school. He truly was my soulmate. He kept me in a gilded cage away from the reality of this world we are in. The fact is, he truly loved me with all his heart. He was the most ‘normal’ man you could meet. He had his humanness, but never said an unkind word to me. I was his princess. After he left us, I was lonely and vulnerable. I knew I was ‘lucky’ but never realized just how lucky I really was. Until I met his opposite, my ex boyfriend the narc.

    He brought out the worst in this empath. I did go supernova on his arse. Becuz he is my first and last, I am getting closer to no longer needing to write to you or comment to your followers. I know from my experience since I found your blog, read 21 of your books, read your articles every day, there is a great amount of transference here. My experience also.

    At first, I was afraid of you and remain so. I’m glad your an ocean away. Your books are evidence that there is evil. I’m glad for my narc boyfriend experience. Best relationship I ever had becuz I learned so much from it. And like many, I fell in love with you for a short time, would defend you. I am getting closer to truly moving on. I’ve thanked you enough.

    I know where I go from here . . . I don’t want to be one of your snifflers . . . none of us are eating crackers at the beach. I don’t idolize you so will not be a follower.

    I had the love of my life. Now, I desire to educate other women about your kind. I wont save a soul but I’ll feel right about it. You can thank me for choosing to do this as you’ll sell more books . . . maybe. Sometimes our problem is our purpose. Goodbye Prince of Darkness. Your Melinda

    1. Narc Angel says:

      Anyone (since it appears Melinda has signed off)
      What is meant by a sniffler? and also the term eating crackers at the beach? (not the first time Ive heard that term here).
      Just curious.

      1. K says:

        Urban Dictionary
        A quick alcoholic drink
        “Here, do ya fancy a couple of cheeky snifflers after work?”

        I found “eating crackers at the beach” under Do’s and Don’ts of snacking in the sand.

        Also, I know I am fucked up (damaged beyond repair, I guess) and I am trying to figure out: Transference. I am googling it right now.

  7. Lisa says:

    I quite like this letter. Thanks AL.

  8. Kate says:

    Here’s my letter to every Narcissist I have known who mistreated me…

    Fuck yourself up the ass with something long and sharp until it comes out of the top of your skull

    1. HG Tudor says:

      And that’s just fuel.

      1. Isto says:

        So, the only thing that is not fuel is long-term NC. Is that right? Are all letters just fuel? (Unless it’s from a lawyer / judge / etc)
        If they are, HG, then why are you asking this barrel of writhing empaths (myself included) to write letters? What’s the aim / point of this exercise? Thank you.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          To understand Fuel, read the book by the same name.

          The point of this “exercise” are

          1. To enable me a voice when they may not have had one or felt unlistened to;
          2. To enable people to articulate their thoughts and feelings for others to understand and perhaps recognise and empathise with;
          3. To demonstrate the many different mind sets and approaches which exist when ensnared/having been ensnared by my kind
          4. To ensure people do this here rather than actually writing to the narcissist – the exercise was predicated on writing a letter to the narcissist knowing however it would never be sent

          1. Authenticity says:

            This exercise helped me a lot. And, sometimes I even return to my Letter to reread it, and it helps me all over, again. I am grateful for the suggestion given, by you, to do this exercise. It was like a gift given to us, from you.

            I know that you do not appear to care for us, nor do you have our interest in mind, but I like to pretend that you do. I like to fantasize inside my innermost secret thoughts, of thoughts, that you do care and that you love each one of us!

      2. NarcAngel says:

        Thanks for the laugh.

        Yes but now it can fountain out of the top of their head.

    2. K says:

      Ha ha ha…thank you for the Monday morning laugh. (positive fuel for me)

    3. Isto says:

      I agree with this letter. I have thought long and hard about this, even wrote a letter or two, and at the end of the day, the letter should be blank or just the first 5 words of Kate’s missive. All the other letters on this blog are impossible to read without feeling a little ill. So fawning, and dramatic, and do-gooder, and sweet and goody-two-shoes…. and forgiving… Reading these letters is like eating runny scrambled egg with tons of sugar.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Then you must have missed a few of the letters.

  9. joele1 says:

    That was powerful stuff
    Well written
    I loved it

  10. H. says:

    I used those same words at the end…

    I told him “we just did not mesh”…after years of the cycle and reading HG’s blog, I couldn’t see him the old way anymore.

    As HG so aptly taught me, “One you know, you got to go”…it never gets any better.

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