Ever presence. A hugely important element of the narcissistic relationship. We must create it in order to ensure that you are prevented from moving on and to maximise our prospects of executing a successful post escape or post discard hoover. Ever presence is the act of making us seem like we are still with you, even though we are not physically proximate to you. It is a necessary device so that we remain in your thoughts, we loom large in your memories and we permeate each day as you try to survive without us. Ever presence is highly effective because it is woven into the fabric of our engagement so that it infects all of your senses. We want you to feel us when you hear some music, we want you to think of us when there is a certain fragrance in the air, we want you to recall us when you see a particular item or watch a film, we want you to remember us when your fingers wrap around a particular object and we want you to sense us with you when you taste a drink or a meal. We do not just want our memory to spring from one item alone but from repeated reminders of what we had together. Largely ever presence is created so you remember the good, so you hark back to the golden period and experience that sense of yearning which causes you to break no contact. There are times when ever presence can be a reminder of the bad times as well although this is rarer and might only be done and activated for the purpose of malign hoovers.

What is going through our mind though when ever presence is created? Is it a conscious act? Do we plan it? Do we consider how best to achieve ever presence or is it just sheer coincidence that it happens, a result of the powerful emotions that we evoke in you that just happen to be imprinted with relatively run of the mill and mundane occurrences? Are you culpable for the creation of ever presence by falling so deeply and intensely in love with us that you place such emotional stock in certain songs, events and places? Is it all planned and orchestrated, a dark grand design that is wheeled out as part of our ongoing and calculated manipulation of you?

The Lesser, as you might expect, creates the least powerful ever presence. This is as a consequence of two factors. The first is that he does not act through calculation but rather through instinct. He will know that picking a nick name for you, choosing “our song” and sending you a few gifts is part of how the romancing should proceed but he gives little thought as to how this will impact on you. Secondly, the weaving of ever presence occurs through the seduction phase as a consequence of the creation of all these marvellous memories. The Lesser does not so much go in for love-bombing but rather keeps the beast under lock and key during the golden period (which might be better named as the bronze period for the Lesser Narcissist). Since there is less in the way of love-bombing it follows that there is less sowing of the ever presence. The Lesser does however gain a distinct advantage over the other two schools as a consequence of this approach. The paucity of ever presence items means that when you happen upon one it has particular resonance. He may not have been overly romantic during the seduction but the fact that he baked some chocolate muffins for you and they became his signature dish means that the memory is especially strong with such an item. The fact that he would only slow dance with you to one particular song means that should you ever hear that song again, the recollection of dancing cheek to cheek is powerful indeed. None of this arises from calculation. The Lesser does the bare minimum when it comes to the seduction. Taken further, when dealing with the Victim Narcissist (who is usually a Lesser and occasionally a Mid-Range) you actually contribute to the creation of ever presence. This happens because you made certain dishes that he enjoyed and therefore should you make them now, it will remind you of how he praised you for making that delicious pie or tasty lasagne. It might be that every Sunday he took his weekly bath and you would scrub his back and wash his hair for him, pandering to the mothering instinct that many Victim Narcissists require. Each week at 7pm on a Sunday you will be moved to think that this was the time when you would tend to him in the bathroom. Thus the demands and the needs of the Lesser become a form of ever presence in themselves.

The Mid-Range, similarly lacking awareness, does not know that he is creating ever presence. He does however have enough about him to know that making a good effort during seduction will win him the prize that he requires and he will make good use of all the usual tangible effects which go into creating ever presence. He will sow them through the seduction. He will endeavour to mirror your likes and dislikes but he will also use his ability to evoke pity to good effect in the creation of ever presence. For instance, he may choose certain songs which he claims are representative of his desire for you. You may not actually like the songs that much, perhaps they are a different musical genre to the ones you like, but you are still pleased that he has taken the time to send these songs to you and to make them part of what constitutes “you and him”. Accordingly, these songs take on a particular resonance as they become representative of the relationship. You could not bear to tell him that you found Luther Vandross or Michael Buble corny, he sidled up to you simpering and cooing, so you went with the flow and allowed them to be woven into the relationship until they mattered. The Mid-Range places particular emphasis on wooing his victim (whereas the Greater bowls the victim over with his magnificence) and as part of this wooing he will ensure that he looks presentable, takes the victim to special places and treats the victim well, offering gifts and other favours. All of this wooing creates the ever presence which is a happy side effect from the behaviour of the Mid-Range.

The Greater sets out to establish ever presence with his victims. He knows of his addictive quality and wants to get you hooked. He deliberately ascertains what you like not only in order to mirror you as perfectly as possible but also to gather ammunition for the purposes of creating the ever presence. The Greater knows that for ever presence to be effective it must span the five senses and be regularly imprinted so the victim is conditioned. The Greater also knows that the grander the gesture and of course he is all about the grandiosity, the more likely it is to have an imprinting effect. By combining this with repetition and the breadth and depth of the use of all five senses, the ever presence created by the Greater is formidable indeed. The Greater also goes further because he not only will lace where you live with so much ever presence but he will endeavour to infect other places as well. The place you work, the places you dine, the places you like to shop, to go walking, go cycling and so forth. During the seduction, each time the Greater does something new with his victim he will be looking to imprint his presence on the event. It might be carving the initials on a tree beneath which you sat holding hands, it might be naming the view after you both when you halted on a mountain bike ride. It could be asking a bar man to create a cocktail in your name or ensuring that you are recognised and called by name by the maitre’d at certain establishments.

The Greater knows exactly what he is doing when he creates ever presence. Not only this, he has done it so many times with other victims he knows that it is effective. He already has a template which he applies. A template of songs, fragrances, textures, places and tastes that he uses for each victim. He might vary some of the items within this template, but often they are the same. He will ensure that his cologne is distinct and unusual, that there are key songs that embody the relationship, he will leave a particular piece of clothing with you early on which is pleasant to touch, he will ensure there are signature bars, restaurants, walks and such like. This imprinting will continue in the bedroom where he will perhaps unveil a particular word or phrase which is unusual (to you) which he uses on the point of orgasm (yours or his) or as a safe word. He will murmur something in your ear and touch you in a particular way, when combining with music in the same way to ensure that your sensations are heightened so that when you hear that song, you not only think of the Greater but you hear his voice in your ear and his breath on your neck. All of it is calculated and planned, even though there may not be vast differences between what is applied to each of his victims. After all, if it works and is efficient, he will go along with it.


25 thoughts on “Everpresence”

  1. Bubbles, I realize this is an “old” comment (old in Narcsite terms) but, if you decide to open a WP account (if you have not done it yet) and you want to remain anonymous, just do not give your real name (as a decent, truth seeker you may give your true name when asked). Otherwise you can always hide your real name and use a pseudonym but the process may be a bit tricky.

  2. Is using distinct cologne a preserve of the greater?

    It seems that much of the everpresence is really just the empath being “sentimental”. We can associate feelings with anything, but using distinctive scents seems like it could only be done by one that is aware of what they’re doing.

      1. One I knew wore something I’ve never smelled before or since, but he WOULD NOT tell me what it was. Very evasive about it. What’s the deal with not telling?

          1. Thank you HG. I guess it’s like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop. The world will never know!

    1. M first narcissist, who I believe was an Upper Mid-ranger, had a signature cologne.
      One day he showed me the bottle and told me that the lady he was working for had given the scent to him as a gift and he LOVED it.
      Essentially, he triangulated me with both the cologne and the other woman.

      1. EmP
        Triangulation with cologne! I’ve heard it all.

        At least he showed you the bottle. Not sure what the big secret was in my case. To remain mysterious? To make me keep asking so he could evade and frustrate? Could be lotsa narc reasons I can think of now that I’ve discovered HGs work.

        1. MB, no idea. Who knows what he was thinking!
          In my case, the narc did it because he knew I would get jealous.
          Looking back I see how it was all intentional. Like playing one specific song after we had had sex and lots of other things.
          It f-ing worked though. It’s been almost 20 years and I still remember all this stuff.

          1. I’m just very surprised they do it intentionally. I guess if it works well they just keep the blueprint.

  3. My everpresence implant is in my dreams, i woke up to myself playing a song in my head to get out of an emotional dream about narcy – it made me want to break my first real week of NC because i’m a person who needs! to share their emotions (*geyser). So i’ll put it here instead:

    I had a dream that you made me a plant sculpture, it was dark green like a miniature forest, with small hidden jewel cactuses and crystals, draped around the corner of one tree was a clear crystal threaded necklace, hand woven, roughly beautiful.

    There were also cute tiny colourful animals, and a pool with a shark in it. As i explored the sculpture like a climbing frame, i was careful not to get my toes bitten by the shark.

    I went to your new place because you wanted to show me how you had decorated it, i said – “this isn’t love”, and you showed me a sequence of symbols you had designed for me, part of it was arrows shooting at me through the dead bodies of others and i opened my mouth and my tongue was covered in hypodermic needles.

    I asked why you had made so much effort for me, but it still isn’t love – you told me then that you could never be enough for me, so i said ok, i will trust you and you can use me once again. You smiled and we had sex, but i saw you were having sex with yourself through my passive body. I went home and the plant sculpture was at the bottom of the forest, like a sacred magical monument. My heart sings its name, ‘heart’s desire’.

  4. Some of the methods used by narcissists to create everpresence can be used by everyone in all types of situations. Many of these methods generally fall under the heading of “romance” too, and are considered normal or even expected when you first start a relationship.

    Everyone can use perfume, music, gifts, or do something nice for someone like take them out to dinner etc. It doesn’t automatically mean you are being “ensnared” or targetted in a negative way.

    It makes me think the important thing is to be conscious of your own reactions and emotions and to take enough time to get to know someone before you become emotionally involved. You need to be very vigilant about any red flags or contradictory behaviour. You need to listen to your own gut instincts and respond to them. All of this comes with awareness and education.

    Being aware of potential threats is much easier though, AFTER you’ve gone through the experience rather than before. You don’t actually know you’re walking through a minefield until you’ve stepped on a bomb.

  5. This article makes me think of several people.

    My first live-in, I think would qualify as a Lesser. The only gift that I can remember that he “gave” to me was a very small kitten that he said was in a cardboard box with the message, “free” – at a store (?). It was a black alley cat with green eyes that was so infested with fleas that it needed to be dipped TWICE. The apartment needed the same sort of treatment! Don’t worry, when I kicked him out, I reminded him that the cat was mine.

    The cologne trick was done to me by someone else in my past The first time that we met, I thought, “what is a God-awful smell” and tried to breathe as shallowly as possible. Oddly, I eventually thought, “Mmmm” when I smelled it.


  6. Dear Mr Tudor,
    I’m “ever present” here for your blog (haha) but could you please explain what’s happening when I hit the “like” and it goes straight to WordPress.com and signing up please ….do I have to, as I don’t really want to, but I want to still like people’s comments …
    thank you muchly

    1. No idea Bubbles, I don’t have time to work out the vagaries of WP. EB will probably know as she has an excellent handle on these matters and I shall defer to her knowledge in that regard.

    2. Hi Bubbles. It seems you have to have a WP account in order to like comments or posts. Seems it is a new WP I did it (opened a WP account) and it was not very difficult. They walk you through.

  7. You mentioned that the Greater has a template. In the aftermath of the disengagement, I told a friend that he has a “distinct method”. And upon reviewing our early exchanges, I now see where the entire set up was wholly deliberate and calculated.

  8. They do a great job at Ever Presence, so much so, that even when the die, it’s still there.

    It is indeed a very nasty infection and does not go away when they do.

Vent Your Spleen!

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