Birthday Blues


They happen every year and you have come to dread the appearance of both your own birthdays and mine. You would much rather neither taken place if you are entirely honest. The day is spent treading on eggshells as you await the inevitable argument and dressing down that you will receive. The annual sense of disappointment will happen again and again and you hope somehow it will change, but it never does.

Let’s begin with my birthday. You dedicate time and money to making my birthday an enjoyable and memorable occasion. I dedicate a degree of energy to ensure that it is memorable, but for the wrong reasons. You plan something special to mark the occasion and go to considerable lengths to organise a surprise party or a trip out somewhere you believe I will like. You scour catalogues and the Internet trying to find that gift you hope will make me break out in a smile. Most normal people will be happy with half the effort you put into pleasing me on my birthday. Not me. The occasion may involve a grand day out and a spectacular gift but just as it did last year and the year before that, it will end in an argument and us lashing out at you.

On the face of it, one would imagine that just for once we would get throughout the day without causing some kind of drama. After all, the day is all about us. Exactly what we like and what we want. People wish us happy birthday, they send us cards, they give us presents and you run around lifting and carrying for us (even more than usual). The spotlight is firmly on us. We drink up all this fuel but still we want more. Every single second has to be about us. Do not expect us to thank you or anyone else who provides us with a gift. Remember, we are entitled to receive them. We may have received gifts of twenty people but you know that all we will harp on about is the person we did not get a gift from whom we expected to. That becomes the focus of our irritation. The brilliant and thoughtful gifts are left to one side as we rail against this one person who has not bought us something. It does not matter that they send a card, it does not matter that we did not send them a gift on their birthday (and never have done), and it does not matter that nobody else would expect this distant relative to send such a gift. We will raise it and repeat it and rant about it.

Woe betides you if you do not give to us the exact gift we expected. If you fail to do this we will comment and lash out at you. You cannot possibly love us since you did not give us the right gift. We conveniently ignore the fact that what you have brought us is still a wonderful gift and we actually do like it. That is not the point. It is not the gift we wanted and you will be subjected to our scathing remarks. If by sheer dint of exhaustive effort you manage, against all the odds, to work out what we want (don’t expect us to help you by explaining what we want, we expect you to know this through telepathy) and give us the right gift, do not expect smiles and thanks. We need to make a scene. Instead, we will remark,

“I see you finally got it right. It does not really make up for all the years you got it wrong does it?”

You can never win when it comes to providing us with gifts. We will always want to put you down no matter what you have done and irrespective of the effort and expense that you have gone to. We will always be unsatisfied and this will manifest in us giving you a dressing down in front of everyone at the party, or storming out of the venue at some sleight. Every year you will hear the same stinging accusation ringing in your ears,

“You’ve ruined my birthday. Again.”

When it comes to your birthday the position is just as bad. We will routinely pretend to forget about it. Do not be fooled by our repeated apparent memory lapses. We have minds that remember everything and our powers of recall are spectacular. We know your birthday is on the horizon and with most things with us it generates two reactions. On the one hand we resent the forthcoming anniversary because it is a day geared towards the individual, namely you. It is not about us and we cannot stand that. It is rare that you ever allow the spotlight to be shone on you (by now you are so used to having to point it at us, you give up on it ever being fixed on you) but you do hold out the futile notion that it might still be done on your birthday, of all days. We find this galling. This is a day that will be about you and thus where will we get our fuel? Its approach generates dread and horror inside of us.

Conversely, we relish your birthday because we know, despite every previous disappointment, you still hold out hope that this year it might just be different. You pray to your own personal god that please, just for once, the day can pass without incident and you can enjoy yourself. You are not particularly bothered about doing anything special, perhaps a meal out somewhere and the gift need not be expensive, just so long as it exhibits that some kind of thought has gone into it. Your thoughts are based on hope as opposed to expectation. It will not be different because we need to spoil it; we need to make you feel upset and demeaned. To achieve this there are various things that we will do on your birthday.

  1. We forget about it completely. If you mention at 6pm that evening that it is your birthday we will lash out at you by explaining how busy we have been at work or that there has been some other pressing matter which means that it has slipped our minds. We deliberately forget about it and we will not countenance you criticising our omission.
  2. We organise something lavish but we know it is not something you will actually like. As usual, you put a brave face on it and fix a rigid smile to your face. We know what you are really thinking because we know it is not something you like. In fact, it is more likely that we have organised something that we enjoy. We do this so that everyone else can see what a grand and delightful gesture we have made and we drink in his or her admiration. It also enables us to poke at you repeatedly suggesting that you don’t like it. We are goading you into making a tiny admission that it is not quite what you expected and then we erupt in self-indignant fury as we castigate you for being ungrateful after all the effort we have gone to.
  3. We buy some token gesture and point out that your 43rd birthday is not really something to celebrate is it? It is hardly a milestone. We then use this to remark on your advancing years and point out your various flaws.
  4. We organise a lovely birthday for you but spoil it by turning the spotlight back onto ourselves. We turn up late, we flirt with a guest or we manufacture some drama so that everyone is looking at us and not you. We complain at waiters when there is a family meal out, when there is not actual need to do so. We want to make a scene and wrench the spotlight back over to us.
  5. We remember your birthday and spend it doing what you want and we are pleasant to you until early evening when we deliberately pick a fight with you over absolutely nothing. The fuel we gain from this behaviour is all the sweeter as we have built you up, your guarded behaviour has melted away as we appear to have done everything that pleases you. We are waiting. We are waiting for you to feel good and happy and then we will cast you down so your emotional reaction is all the more heightened.

This behaviour is not just reserved for your birthday although we enjoy ruining your birthday the most. We do this with the birthdays of our children, friends and family. We hate it being about someone else and we hate seeing him or her being happy. In our world, nobody else is allowed a birthday and we believe that every day is our birthday and everyone should recognise that and act accordingly.

We know that you would rather your birthday be erased from the calendar. It is always a horrible day in one form or another and you would rather it not take place. We put a big red ring around it in the calendar in our mind and scribble next to the day the words, “ Special Fuel Day.”


100 thoughts on “Birthday Blues”

  1. HG,

    I should have thought of this question a few days ago, and I’m only putting this here, because it pertains to a special day for attention. (Receiving or perceived loss of fuel.)

    How about an article about Mothers day or Fathers day, with the narcissist view from being the parent, or the ACON narcissist, please?

  2. HG
    My first clue was on the latest Poll, second clue: B-Day blues and by the time I was through with “I Want”, I figured it out.

    1. Dearest K,
      I need explaining on your comment … I’m a bit slow 🐢
      Thanks luv

      1. Dearest Bubbles
        no worries! Half the time, I am a few tacos short of a fiesta.
        SarcNarc is using SN now. If you haven’t already, scroll down until you can see the comments from SX, HG, SN and me.

  3. Beautifully laid out, Bubbles!

    Please don’t forget that Hermes (the Greek equivalent to the Roman god Mercury) was known as a ‘guide to the underworld’ …and while considered deceptive he was deemed a “benefactor of mortals.”

    1. WhoCares
      Noted! That description is quite fitting: guide to the underworld’ …and while considered deceptive he was deemed a “benefactor of mortals.”

    2. Dear WhoCares
      Ohhhhhhh wow, this is great …. thankyou ….. that’s more icing on the cake ….lol
      this just keeps getting better …another wonderful gem of information
      I further researched …. he was an Olympian god, God of eloquence, said to have invented the alphabet, God of travellers, exhibited an extraordinary for cunning and dissimulation ….. the list is endless. There were statues of him everywhere and his face is on Stamps!
      I cannot believe the layers to this cake ….. haha

      Hugs to you lovely xx

  4. Dear gorgeous ones … Clarece, K and NarcAngel…..

    after further inquisitiveness on my part, I wanted to share with you

    HG = mercury.
    Mercury is dangerous and can affect the human nervous system and be deadly

    Planet Mercury … possesses a a “magnetic” field … is associated with the Roman “messenger” God as well as Nabu, the God of Writing

    Tudor….Gods gift, Ruler of people

    “Element” ary … my dears 😂🕵🏻

    After all that hard work, Mr Tudor should reward us each with a free copy of his latest book… 👨‍🏫📚
    (now there’s food for thought for the future Mr Tudor…. rewards, prizes)

    What fun … we should do this again …. haha
    Been a pleasure ladies 😘
    Cheers 🍾

    1. Nicely done Bubbles!
      A contest or special interview for 10 million hits would be fun HG! Like you did early on with 4 million hits!

      1. Thankyou lovely Clarece,
        I’ve noticed some interest on having “interviews” on his latest poll …. Mr Tudor is a master at his craft but I think we ladies (and males) wouldn’t mind a lot more examples of “real life” situations. I see his good doctors are challenging him … maybe they’ll end up being bad doctors ….. 😂😂😂😂😂😂👨🏼‍⚕️👨🏼‍⚕️👨🏼‍⚕️👨🏼‍⚕️👨🏼‍⚕️👨🏼‍⚕️
        If we have to step out the box with our emotional thinking then maybe he has to step out with his toes and test the water himself 👣💧

    2. Dearest Bubbles,

      You have been busy! Excellent and prosocial! This blog really is an education. This one was new to me: Tudor….Gods gift, Ruler of people, so I have made a note of it.

      And I couldn’t agree more, Hg can be deadly if he isn’t handled with care. It is nice when the bloggers can have fun with the comments and the levity helps relieve stress, sadness or anger, etc. Plus, I will remember that the chemistry lesson is located on Birthday Blues/May.

      Planet Mercury … HG is “magnetic” and he is sending us a message (Roman God of messengers: Mercury) in writing (Nabu, the God of Writing).

      Don’t underestimate yourself, I think you may be on to something.

      “Element” ary my dear Bubbles!

      1. Dearest K
        You’re toooo kind …. thank you gorgeous …. ME teach someone on this blog something new … get outta here …. no way😱
        No wonder we connect you’re my “electrolyte” ….. you’re potassium rich ….( no wonder I crave avocados, bananas and dried apricots)

        Have you noticed Mr Tudor has remained silent … we’re onto him 😂
        💋Mwah xx

        1. My pleasure, Dearest Bubbles!

          Of course, you can teach us something, we are all to here to learn from each other. We connect perfectly and I have always been a bit bananas so you are welcome to all the potassium that I have. This has been a mythology lesson, as well.

          Ha ha ha…nothing gets past HG; he has always been on to us from the very beginning.


    3. That’s perfect, bubbles! I was looking into a hidden code in the letters, never thought about the chemistry! Thank you!

      1. Dear Joyascending,
        Thankyou for the praise, however K gets the cudos for the chemical elements ….. she’s a clever little Vegemite
        I only noted black squares with letters in them and wondered “what the hell” .. 😂
        Clarece n NarcAngel added delicious layers
        WhoCares added another interesting Greek layer of icing 🎂

        This is turning out to be one scrumptious cake .. 😂

        Thanks lovelies xx

  5. Mine was left in a major fuel crisis.

    I guess that could be considered revenge.

    But I only know that now…if I dwell on it; I don’t feel good about it…so I’m detached.

    I prefer Narc affair’s perspective.

  6. Dearest Clarence,
    Thankyou thankyou thankyou
    I have never seen the show, however I did look it up … looks like a narcissistic send up comedy … yes ???
    I looked up all the element symbols and concluded it was an atomic arsenic cake ….. goes with evil, yes …. haha
    No wonder I’m a target for narcs …. me dumb dumb
    See this is what they do … mess with our heads🤕
    Thank you for clarifying Clarence … I can now sleep tonight …
    seriously, I’m an empath… overthinker 🤔
    Mwah 💋

    1. Awww, you’re very welcome Bubbles!
      Breaking Bad, a comedy? Um, no. Although you could say the character Jesse Pinkman does provide some levity with his lines. He is also the heart of the show.
      And there you have it…an atomic arsenic cake, Bitch…lol

      1. Dear Clarece,
        First… My absolute apologies … spellcheck decided it liked Clarence…not Clarece
        Second … I watched the actors “breaking bad 60th happy birthday bitch bash” …. no wonder I thought it was a comedy …
        now I’ve seen a tad of the actual series … I now get it !

        There’s always a rythm n reason behind Mr Tudors piccies
        He could’ve told me, but that’s too easy !😂
        Thanks gorgeous

      2. Dear Clarece
        Just read your last comment …. (no reply thingy)
        That was sooooooo clever of you … thankyou
        All responses have been thought out brilliantly … no wonder we empaths make good detectives 🕵🏻
        I guess the cake is now safe to eat …. yes 😂😂😂😂😂😂

        1. What can I say? I get warm and fuzzies all over whenever I see I have a comment from Bubbles with the Champagne! You are very sweet!

      3. Dearest Clarece …..
        Aweeeeeeeee ….. Clarece ….. you’ve just made my day … how lovely 😊
        You’re absolutely magic
        Sending panda hugs 🐼…. cos they are bundles of playful furry goodness
        😘Bubbles 🍾XOX
        Mwah 💋

    2. Ps… knowing me …. I wouldn’t eaten the bloody cake..( I hate to see good food go to waste) and my thought process would’ve been ” aww how sweet and he’s being funny because of his favourite show” …. kaboom 🤢

    3. Bubbles,

      “Mwah 💋”
      I am rolling on the floor, laughing at myself and my N.I was not much of a text person with phones, and bought a cheap phone that I never could figure out texting on. My N started ending his texts to me with “MUAH”. I didn’t know what that meant, so I asked in person, “what the hell does “MUAH” mean? He said “you know, MUAH. “No, I don’t know what it means. tell me.” “You know what it means, quit f*cking with me, don’t give me such a hard time!” I finally figured out he was repeating something he thought people like to read, even if he didn’t know what it meant. After I asked, he ended every text to me this way. I dropped it, but never figured it out till I saw it just now in your post, with a kiss.

      Talk about me being slow on the uptake, and him mirroring, even when he had no idea what it meant!

      Thank you, Bubbles. Mystery solved!


      1. Dearest Perse,
        This birthday cake riddle is more than I ever imagined … haha
        Please know my “mwah” is definately a kiss .. I usually say “cats bum” to my friends n family as we’ll 😻
        mwah 💋😂

  7. “They just would not dare because they are decent individuals.” HG really knows us empaths very well.

  8. HG
    What will happen if Your IPPS or IPSS or Your Family members should spoil Your birthday? By doing the same Things as you might be doing on their birthdays. Or is it not possible in Your case?

      1. Just a question I am not trying to be rude but how could you be so sure about that HG? I personally on purpose disregarded my ex greaters birthday and I am SURE he thought the same as you do. Albeit I had had enuff of his mindfuckery by that time and started rebelling. Do you say they wouldnt dare on the stance of fear or love is what i suppose im trying to say?

        1. They would not dare because of the consequence or because they just would not dare because they are decent individuals.

      2. HG
        I have been thinking about this one and you are right. Ruining a birthday wouldn’t be the decent thing to do. I wouldn’t do it because my inner empath would override my inner narcissist.

  9. Dear Mr Tudor,
    Why are the “Happy Birthday Bitch” letters enclosed by squares and what does it mean? With “Bi” irthday …. the B looks blurred and there’s an added i
    My mum stocks black candles …. but then she does witchcraft…. even made a voodoo doll of me with pins in the heart … I questioned her about it and she said it was meant with good intentions …. hmmmmmmm 🤔
    My mums lapping up all her birthday celebrations now …. loving the attention
    She totally ignored her grandchildren’s birthdays for 21 years…

    Excellent article …. another major red warning …. thankyou

      1. Dearest K,
        Awe …. K to the rescue …. thanks gorgeous… I had no idea
        Am I the only one who didn’t get it 😱…. no wonder I “need” this site …. derrrrrrrr !!!!! 😂
        Very clever of you
        Perhaps Mr Tudor could enlighten us further … he’s the brains behind the cake 🎂

      2. Hello Ladies (K, NA, and Bubbles)!
        This cake is paying homage to the show “Breaking Bad”. This was about a terminally I’ll science teacher who creates the finest meth product to sell and quickly rises to Drug Lord, in order to leave his family a nest egg for when he passes away. He enlists the help of a former student to help get meth out on the street in the early days, who eventually becomes his tried and trusted partner. This partner calls everyone a bitch. Watch a season and for a week you’ll end all of your sentences with “Bitch”.
        The character of Walter White’s descent into darkness, enraptured by all the power he succumbed to is one of the most brilliant shows ever written.
        The logo for the show is the elemental symbols just like HG used for his cake.

    1. Bubbles, NA and Clarece

      There are 2 “i”s in birthday and I couldn’t figure it out either, however, the other letters reminded me of the elements and Clarece brought up Breaking Bad, which did have an impact on me. I started saying “Yo bitches” and “bitches” (character traits) for a while. That show was epic and the Salamanca Twins were psychos. And let’s not forget that Hg is mercury.

        1. Thank you, Clarece!

          I have a large Periodic Table of Elements above my computer and, when I am feeling puckish, I use the symbols to spell words.

          Hg (mercury) is a

          N nitrogen
          Ar argon
          C carbon

          1. Hmmmm… I like that hobby K! Have you ever played around with Numb Nuts or D-bag?

      1. K …. thank you sweet pea for explaining …. I’m so out of my depth here
        your thought processes are incredible …. no wonder narcs play with our heads ….and it’s just a birthday cake 😂
        Mr Tudor will be sitting back impressed don’t you think ? 😂

        1. Bubbles 🍾
          You are a riot. I think the letters were used like a rebus scramble to spell BITCH. When I saw them, the first thing I thought of was the elements and I am a linear thinker, so I put them in the order that I read them from the cake. NarcAngel’s comment is sums it all up quite succinctly. Ha ha ha….

          MAY 9, 2018 AT 20:46
          What extra I? I saw bitch. What are you looking at?

      1. Omg, I’ve opened a can of computer science geniuses … who on earth has a periodic table of elements above their computer when’s playfulness strikes 😱
        You lovelies are beyond my capabilities.
        I have “flowers” above my iPad 💐…. seriously
        You amaze me

      2. Dear K ….. the closest I’m gonna get to you geniouses is …. my nephew is in a heavy metal band .😂
        I looked up heavy metals and it talks about high density
        atomic weights n numbers and arsenic ….
        ta dar !!!!!
        Is it really arsenic n lace or is Mr Tudor really referring to a band
        Hmmmmmmmmmm ….. lol

      3. Lovely K,
        You’re probably spot on, NarcAngel tells it like it is and is pretty amazing. Maybe it was just Mr Tudors inner childlike artistic playfulness on the cake 😂🎂
        Now would you prefer coffee or tea with your cake ☕️😂

        Naaaaaah ….. I’m just kidding …. never trust a narc .. (my weasel cooked and as per narc, surprise surprise, he bragged about his cooking….lol )

        1. Dearest Bubbles
          I prefer tea with my cake and NA doesn’t beat around the bush and I like that. She doesn’t suffer fools gladly. My MMRN cooked/baked and would bask in the glory of his culinary skills, as well. Once he dropped his precious chicken pot pie on the floor and I started LMAO and he got really mad at me. I still laugh about it today. Thought fuel.

    2. Na sodium
      this one is fun.

      F flourine
      U uranium
      C carbon
      K potassium

      Th thorium
      At astatine

        1. Narc Angel

          Ha ha ha…I thought the same thing after I posted it. You are salty with a side of nuts.

      1. Ha,ha K that was funny !

        @Narc Angel
        “ K
        How appropriate as I am a little salty and pair well with nuts.”

        I like your self irony NA! You have a great sense of humour …

        1. Thank you!

          S sulfur
          U uranium
          P phosphorus
          Er erbium
          Xe xenon
          Na sodium

          Life is short; have fun with it.

          1. Ah! A dedicated one. Thank you for that one K.
            I like the first one, I can be sulfuric sometimes ( just when strictly necessary) but far from demonic( as far as I know).

            Yes, you are absolutely right life is short and last time I heard there is no refund so….

          2. My pleasure, SX!
            There is nothing wrong with a little fire and brimstone; it gives you an edge. There are definitely no refunds, so enjoy the ride.

      2. K and Na are electrolytes.
        Helium Helium

        1. Excellent, Lou! We are getting a chemistry and Pop Culture lesson along with narcissism. K (potassium)

        1. Lou
          Ha ha ha….BRaVO, K

          I had an “ah ha” moment when I thought about the 2 Heliums in your comment. Neon Argon!

          1. Hello SN
            Sn is the symbol for the element tin. Hg = mercury, Na = sodium, K = potassium. Birthday Blues has turned into a chemistry/mythology lesson alongside narcissism.

          2. Indeed it does, but sn is a shortened version of a name previously used here.

          3. ..which I believe is SarcNarc the same person who will “send”(? ?)a booklet (?) to me as she herself has written to me here?

  10. T – I am soooo looking forward to my next bday! With pleasure!
    My Narc had them sing his supplies name instead of mine as they brought the cake. It was devaluation meets triangulation.
    It was actually the last straw. I left 3 weeks later.
    Seriously, the only way to be FREE is get out, stay out.
    Reclaim all you have lost.

  11. On my birthday I dress up really nice. And he says ” you look really great”. Then he says ” let’s just get take out.”

      1. He had planned a birthday dinner out. I took it as a I didn’t look that great to take out. More like a disappointment and a devalue.

  12. Must have been a shocker to my N. I have never been big on birthdays. Just means Im another year older . I never even to this day acknowledge it .
    Id be curious to know how HG handles birthdays to see what kind of mindfuckery I missed out on being as he was a greater as well.

  13. Ha, HG, this arrived exactly on my birthday! I also enjoyed your YouTube video Unhappy Birthday. All of this describes everything I went through perfectly. I also want to mention relatives and siblings, not just intimate partners were always part of my unhappy birthday celebrations. Thank you for your insight!

    1. Start by setting up your own birthday celebration and invite all your close friends. Start by focusing on yourself as though you are your closest friend planning your birthday. That helped me start again, rebuilding not only myself, but friendships with others. That helped me. Hope that helps ❤

      1. Also, am sure the narc who nearly destroyed me saw the pics on social media, of my own dinner celebration, however as I have followed the blog and YouTube videos, the focus was not about him this year. I am grateful every day for videos and this blog!

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