What Happens When You Accuse The Greater Narcissist?
I wrote previously about the situation where you tell a lesser member of our kind that you know what they are and how they react to it. What then of the response of those of us who belong to the greater school of narcissism? How do we react when you tell us that you know exactly what we are?
Those of us in the greater school possess three attributes which are relevant to this matter. Awareness, intelligence and malice. We know what we do. We know that this is regarded as wrong by other people (although we are always able to justify our behaviour when considered from our perspective) and we know that our behaviour hurts people but again it is entirely acceptable because we matter and you do not. We are superior and our sense of entitlement allows us to do as we please. We also do not possess the burden of guilt, remorse or compassion and therefore the effects of our behaviour cause us no trouble. There is no moral compass to guide us or hinder us. We may also be aware of exactly what we are, a narcissist. This is not always the case but we do know that we do is considered as abusive. We are intelligent enough to realise that the accusations of abuse fit with what is regarded as abuse, but we are also intelligent enough to know that we must engage in this behaviour because it is necessary to the preservation of our existence. The inherent tension that might exist between choosing to abuse someone and the impact on our existence is one whereby the need to exist will always outweigh the downsides of abusing someone (which are few when looked at through our world view. You would feel “bad” for hurting someone, you would be concerned about how this would affect you relationship or your friendship, you would worry about how others would view you, you would be concerned if it involved the authorities, your employer, your church and so forth. These concerns are much reduced in our world).
You may not realise that we are a narcissist but you do know our behaviour is abusive. Should you label us as an abuser and in support of this contention list the various instances of our behaviour, how do we respond. Our reaction is not subconscious and immediate like those of our lesser kind. We do not respond in a knee jerk reaction. We know that we are abusive and your labelling of us as such initially has two reactions.
The first is that we fear that we are losing control. Control is hugely important to us because we want you doing everything that we want and nothing that we do not want in order to ensure that you provide us with fuel. Our machinations and manipulations are all designed to gain and maintain control. Much of this is achieved by you remaining oblivious to what is happening to you or mitigating its effect by blaming yourselves (which we aim to achieve) or making excuses for us (again, something we aim to bring about). If you do not truly understand what is happening to you, you remain paralysed in this confusion and you will not do anything about it. You will not challenge us, you will not try to escape us, you will not shut off the supply of fuel. Accordingly, we need to keep you bound to us and compliant. This requires control. If we think that our control is being challenged, is slipping or is being eroded then we must establish it and do so quickly. I will return to how this is done in a moment.
The second reaction is that your moment of enlightenment that we are an abuser (or even worse you actually know we are a narcissist) is one of wounding. You have found us out. You have seen through us. You have worked us out. The potential loss of control is troubling, this being found out is terrifying and damaging. You have wounded us because you have criticised us. By telling us that you know what we are, we have failed in maintaining the state of confusion, bewilderment and ignorance. You have pierced the veil. We are mightier than you, superior to you and better than you, how can it be that someone like you has managed to unravel what we are? What else are you capable of? Who might you tell? We have failed. We hate failing. It reminds us of things we have consigned to the darkest recesses of our mind and now you, you hateful, treacherous, disloyal bitch have done this on purpose. You have done this after everything that we have done for you, because you want to hurt us don’t you? This failure to keep you in the dark amounts to a massive criticism of us. This in turn ignites the churning fury that is always there beneath the surface. This ignited fury will mean we either withdraw, unleash cold fury or unleash heated fury.
Our awareness of what we are actually makes us more vulnerable to the accusation of “I know what you are, you are an abuser, a narcissist” than those of our lesser or mid-range brethren. We are far more susceptible to being wounded by this outing. Our awareness equates to a weakness.
All is not lost for us of course. Our intelligence means that whilst we know what we are and we are wounded by your awareness and accusation, we are not without the means of addressing it. Our intelligence allows us to deflect and deny. We will utilise these twins to fight back, applying our considerable minds to deny what you have said. We will challenge your evidence, deny its existence, twist it around, pull it apart, change the subject, focus on something different, blame-shift and project. Powered by our heated fury this onslaught will be brutal and sustained as we fight to regain control. We will batter you into submission so that you become frightened, upset, angry or frustrated and thus you will give us fuel. Our further manipulations will allow us to regain control as you shrink back from our vicious words. Everything will be thrown at you in order to stop the wounding, regain control and gain the required fuel to power this defence mechanism.
If the situation is one where we cannot risk heated fury then we will issue a flat denial and engage cold fury by subjecting you to an icy and prolonged silent treatment, either of the present or absent variety.
If really necessary and this is of the last resort, we will withdraw to escape your wounding and find solace with another who will provide us fuel to repair the gaping wound that you have ripped in us. We will remain away from you for some time as we recover and enjoy the fuel from other sources as we recuperate. We will return of course because there is a score to settle and more fuel to draw from you, but for now that will have to wait.
We will also engage our energies, once we have gained more fuel (either from you if we unleash our heated fury, from you and others if we unleash cold fury and from others if we withdraw) in rolling out a smear campaign against you. Now you know what we are and we know you know, we need to ensure that this pollution does not spread elsewhere. We will up our seduction of other sources so that they like us all the more and ensure we spread poison about you so you are not believed if you try to tell other people that you know what we are.
Finally, the third attribute comes into play. Malice. The mid-range of our kind would withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere and be done with you for some time until a hoover of positive fuel through a Benign Hoover takes place. The mid-range of our kind would unleash heated fury or cold fury to stabilise the position but then would engage a Respite Hoover or a Preventative Hoover aimed at playing down what you know, restoring the golden period for a while so you focus on that and not this new knowledge or to prevent you leaving us armed with this new knowledge. The mid-range narcissist would do all of this to try and diffuse the situation and prevent it being brought up again. This does not apply to those of us who are of the greater variety. You must be punished for your terrible offence against us. Your transgression must be addressed. Your treachery must meet with a consequence. Once we have established control again and recovered from your awful wounding of us then you will be subject to a malign and brutal campaign as punishment for what you have done. This will happen if you remain with us in a relationship. It will happen if you have tried to escape us. We want to rain hell fire down on you in order to punish you for your disgusting behaviour. This is our right. This is our entitlement. This is how we respond.
You may know what we are, but if you are dealing with the greater of our kind, you may reflect on whether you really ought to make it known to us.
21 thoughts on “What Happens When You Accuse The Greater Narcissist?”
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I pierced the veil . . . Ex challenged, denied, projected, resisted . . . Ex tried to gain control but I stood my ground . . . he ranted and raged and I sat cool as a cucumber . . . No expression on my face . . . no words . . . zero fuel . . . ex unleashed his heated fury . . . tried Preventative Hoover . . . no response to his kisses from my still, cold lips, stiff composure . . . unmoved . . . I escaped . . . his attempts to smear fell on deaf ears . . . I knew too much . . . I could destroy him . . . he knew this . . . .
If only I had known then what I know now, I would not have confronted him.
So in opposites world, the narc wants to be a raging beast driven by unconscious instinct, and higher intelligence, awareness, wisdom, etc. the very ability to evolve – is the flaw.
Sounds like hell, to me.
Ha. This. Let’s see – I told him he was a psychopath and listed the reasons why. I was a bit sarcastic about it but very brutal. Did you torture animals in your childhood? Steal from other children? Were you a bully? Are you just like your father?
But he could not risk heated fury. He reacted with (absent) silence, flat reaction (cold fury) (wrote back ‘I’m away right now’). Then put me through the hell of getting him to do one last thing for me. My mistake was telling him he was a psychopath but leaving unfinished business, which meant that I left myself open to a brutal campaign.
When we saw each other, I said, ‘for a long time I thought you had Aspergers.’ He said ‘I might.’ I said ‘you don’t. You have a personality disorder.’ Aspies might lack empathy and be mind blind but they don’t lie, try to control other people, cheat, manipulate etc. He said ‘we all have personality disorders.’ Then the blame-shifting. I was so ‘mean’ to him that of course he would want to avoid me.
I then pointed out that he was stalking me. He said ‘stalking? that’s when someone peers in your windows.’ Mind you, when we first met, he told me that someone was ‘stalking’ him and he had to change his phone number. So when someone is incessantly calling HIM it is stalking, but when he is incessantly online creeping ME, it is not stalking.
So here we are together now on WhatsApp. I can’t open it without seeing his name so I keep adding chats to get him to the bottom of my list where I won’t see him. I feel like we are in a stalemate ALL. THE. TIME. He is grooming someone else and keeping me on the shelf until he gets bored.
Last night a (gay) male friend suggested I try to see my narc’s sweet side. I thought maybe I would send some positive fuel his way, But on the tube, as some drunk bloke puked all over the platform and the carriage, I said to myself, no, no, no. When I got home I wrote to this friend and reiterated that occasional flashes of sweetness for positive fuel (sex, moral support) does not cancel out the abuse. A psychopath is a psychopath. He cannot be trained through positive reinforcement. If that were possible, he wouldn’t be cheating on his chirpy wife.
The moral of this story is that it is really important to keep your logical thinking in the forefront at all times. Question your ET. Thank you again, HG. I almost slipped but I didn’t.
I am very happy today. I feel much more like myself and much lighter.
I came back because of this and now I read a article about it !! Timing is everything ,
I was in an online “marriage relationship “ haha Such a fool 3 years future faking at it’s finest . Not forget to mention we even live in different countries😅 . But he acted and seemed like a single man . But now I know better
So I had a brief conversation with him again and after reading your work I’ve been thinking that he is a greater .
Me : Are you a narcissit ?
N : No . why would you ask me that ?
Me : Because I know and you know it too but I don’t care .
N : Why would you ask me that ?
Me : It seems like it , my love
N : What are the things I do that makes me a narcissit
Me : You going to be mad . And this will not go well .
N : I won’t be mad its just your opinion .
I listed the things and he was silent I texted you mad now ? He said no I’m not babe didn’t say one word about it and wanted me to still believe the “ future faking “ of him and me together in the future.
But I just blocked his Number .
What school you think he could be ?
I would need more information to ascertain this and this is the preserve of a consultation, DFL.
😂ok I’ll do that asap . I’ll include this one and the offline one . Ttys
My perspective is to implement “No contact ” and never look back!!! I choose to use my energy in a constructive manner, and to take advantage of this increased knowledge.
It seems like telling a narcissist what they are perpetuates the abusive cycle. They will punish you and ignite a smear campaign against you…etc, which in return increases your hurt and anger, and your need to “exercise your freedom of speech;” therefore, continuing the vicious cycle. Where there is no flame–no fire can ignite.
When it comes down to it, why do you need to tell them what they are?? Isn’t it enough that you know what they are??? Use the information to become smarter–not work harder…
Amen to that, 1. They already know what they are despite any sob stories they put out there., and
2. They already know YOU know most likely unless you are very careful, and hate you for knowing.
Meh, I don’t really care if people want to talk crap about me. If the other person isn’t wise or self-aware enough at the time to realise that a person who says bad things about others (ie slanders, gossips etc) will eventually turn that behaviour on them then I feel sorry for that person. Unfortunately, I fell into this trap with the latest narcissist in my life. While I knew their behaviour was toxic, I was manipulated by their triangulation tactics regarding their spouse. Once I figured out they were a Narc and dropped them lack a sack of potatoes, I stopped believed the lies they told me and acted nicer and more upbeat around their spouse.
The greater is really malicious. You need to map each of his movement, actions and after the chaos you can finally read the fuckin map !
But they do offer many offer opportunities to psychologically blame them for your escape.
Their fury is a spectacular firework show – the big problem is that you get your hair burned from being too close to them.
Mine is priding himself of being a narcissist. But he hates that I see through him and he told me lately that he wants to escape from me but he told his terapist that he can’t , he does not know how to leave me- that I give him too much shit- that he should not stay with someone who treats him like I do ( crazy projection) – too late buddy- I escaped before. Freaking terapist to believe that BS.
This comments this one generates I usually find interesting, and do not believe they have all dealt with a Greater.
I know firsthand what one can do when you push them beyond a certain point….
Dear Mr Tudor,
Whoa!
After reading that, it makes me thankful mine was just a mere mid ranger! Compared to a greater, I got off lightly ….. phew !!!!
Your in depth detailed articles are a “great” heads up warning
Thankyou
MR. H.G
If a psychopath uses his narcissistic behavior to chop a tree down, will it sound identical to the chopping of a “Greater”? 😃👌
Your description above sounds a wee bit like the former.
Just thought I would ask because there are so many similarities between the two. I read your response. I notice the warning of punishments with pure malice to destroy in order to protect the image. Your supiority due to lack of empathy and the cruel tendencies where can one end and the psychopath begin? I think there is a spectrum of course. In all cases stay the Fu*k clear, clearly.
But my thoughts could be muddied from my own experience. Maybe intellegence is a factor.
I was involved with someone not highly educated yet passed mensa test, extremely smart. I watched him go through tests. He is the antsocial (not ever jailed..yet). In that case I noticed more or less honesty , i say mostly, compared to the “narcissist”. (Both are a bag of big ole dicks). No offense. 👌✊
there was a type of direct honesty with the antisoc. Not sure if that will make sense to anyone. His complete fearlessness allowed him that honesty. he did enjoy punishing people. Never violent to me because I’m not stupid either.
But you seem to have some traits with a psychopath? No offense, im no doctor obviously.
Anyways I made it out after way to many years and can spot these people in minutes now especially in my line of work. My work attracks them becauae they like high stakes and rewards. Thank for your blog. It’s interesting. Just curious on your thoughts about psychopath primary tendencies. Personally I think the elite as you call it may actually be a psychopath, but hey you know who you are. I’m just a spectator. Thank you again.
Ooh my spelling. So bad!
I ended up ONE time on the shit end of that stick by telling my greater he was a narcisstic asshole just like his father (whom he loathed). I don’t recommend this. In the almost 4yrs together I had never seen him angry like that. Never raised his voice at me except when I did this. I was actually frightened. That learnt me.
I will keep on telling him .. regardless his savage vile treatment…
I don’t give up my right of speech easily ..
he can have my fuel .. yes.. take it .. i will say;
but he will never be able to gag me… or be able to make me slider at his feet as he wish to..
perhaps that is the reason why he shelved me 3 years ago.. although he still wants to see me .. keep me in his way.. and then tried to convince me that he loves me etc….
che disgusto !!!
That is me. “You silence is required.” is how they operate but the rebel in me once I had some idea of what happened and the futility cause me to not care what he rained down. But yes, he got in his “You disgust me” and it was shocking to me at the time as I was getting closer to the truth, but yeah… have my fuel, you are still a sociopath and I know the truth.
But yeah, to follow up on the owning post, it wasn’t before he left his mark in me. And there are times, I feel like I just never stop being aware of him. Its pretty awful to have someone who despises you and lied so badly, to remain with you well past the “break up.” I used to think his constant presence in my mind was a reflection of how much he cared but couldn’t (how perfect Twin Flame nonesense fit in to that one ) but now at last, I just find it incredibly intrusive and annoying and nothing I really to hold on to anymore. If only when I vented on him to go away also vented him out of my psyche.
Yeah, yeah, yeah… Go get your atom bomb and drop it. The difference between me and you is that I’m real and you’re not. That means I’m left standing with pride and you have to go find another idiot.
ANOTHER idiot?
HG, what will happen, if two greater narcs meet each other? Will they connect or will they check, which one has more power and the other one will withdraw or will they fight?
This will be covered in a forthcoming ‘When Narcissists Collide’ article, Mona.