Getting Smeared (And How To Deal With It)

getting-smeared

 

The smear campaign is a regular weapon in our arsenal. Deployed in order to maintain our façade and ensure that everybody thinks that you are the abuser, you are the trouble maker and that you are the Crazy One. A method of getting our retaliation in first. The smear campaigns are such that you have no idea they are being carried out until the damage is done. You may find out through a third party tipping you off about what is being said about you. You may find out because we have instructed a lieutenant to tip you off in order to allow us to draw fuel from your horrified reaction and frantic attempts to repair the damage. Naturally, we only allow the tip off to take place once we are satisfied that our smears have sunk in and taken effect. The first you may know about these smear campaigns is when you try to tell other people about our behaviour, either during the relationship or when you have sought to escape or have been discarded. You find that you are met with shaking heads, blank looks and declarations of disbelief as your protestations are regarded with scepticism and whispered comments about you having lost the plot. To come up against this wall, especially when you are often in the greatest need,  is distressing. This distress is magnified when it occurs with people you thought that you could rely on. Our poison seeps everywhere.

The smear campaign is almost always used at some point when you have become entangled with our kind. There are many different kinds, but here are six which are regularly used.

  1. The Abuser

We like to trot out tales about how cruel and unpleasant you have been to us. Whether it is preventing us from seeing our friends, not letting us have our say, making decisions for us, hitting us, failing to attend to household chores whilst we are out working to support the household, not showing us any affection, questioning us about our movements, calling us names and so on, it will be used against you. Much of the smear campaign is based on projection as we tell everybody that you have been doing the very things that we have been doing. That way we can provide sufficient detail about the form of abuse, because we have done it ourselves, so that it is given the mantle of believability. If we furnish such detail and avoid vagueness, our lies are made all the more believable. All types of smear campaign operate on the basis of making you out to be abusive in some way. Some are specific, as you will see below, whereas this form of smear campaign is predicated on an avalanche of plausible behaviours which cover a vast spectrum of abusive actions towards us from locking us out of our own home at night because we went out with friends to tipping freezing cold water over us when sat in the bath and pretending it was a joke, from making us sleep on the floor to hiding our car keys when we needed to be somewhere. A long list of awful abuses will be detailed along with how much of a martyr we have been in trying to put up with them and make things better.

  1. The Philanderer/The Slut

 

We play the card that we are not given any affection, love or sexual gratification by the abuser but more than that you are busy engaging in frequent affairs and one night stands with other people. We have given you chances after discovering what you have been doing, because we want to get things back on track. We have given you everything and this is how we are repaid. We are heart-broken by these repeated infidelities. We will identify people of the opposite sex that you are close to and pedal lies that “there is something going on” between you and them. Those people we know who enjoy some tittle tattle will be approached first in order to give the lies some “legs” so that they will not only believe what they have been told about you and the neighbour, you and your colleague and you and the gardener, but they will spread the smear even further. Add in some casual sexual encounters we have learned about, linked to the fact you work away/work in a bar/ are friendly and out-going then the lies gain more traction.

  1. The Spender

We work hard each day to provide for you and all you do is sit around ordering things off the internet, going out to lunch, organising another home improvement and frittering away our hard-earned money. We make out that you are squandering the fruits of our labour by pointing to the recent purchase of some expensive shoes, conveniently leaving out that this is the first pair you have bought in two years and you saved up for them. The joint credit card which bears the hammering of our profligate spending will be attributed to you. Words such as fraud, leech and gold digger will be bandied around as we make you out to be a free loader who has taken considerable advantage of our hard-working nature and generosity.

  1. The Lunatic

This smear campaign will involve heart-felt explanations to medical professionals about your behaviour in order to have them say that there could be something wrong but they would need to undertake a proper diagnosis. We will take from this informal consultation the part we want to hear and then spread this around to other people.

“Yes I was concerned about her behaviour and because I care, I mentioned it to Dr Whitecoat and he told me that it would appear that she has a mental health issue. I know, it is terrible but it explains so much of her erratic behaviour. The thing is, I don’t know if she will allow herself to be treated. Of course she will insist that there is nothing wrong with her, but apparently that is what these people do, they have no insight that there is anything wrong with them.”

Sound familiar at all? We will pick on entirely innocuous behaviours of yours and magnify them so they become regarded as problematic. Idiosyncrasies will be portrayed as aberrations from normal behaviour and of course the more you try to point out that it is us and not you, the crazier you appear.

  1. The Turncoat

In this smear campaign we actually place the focus of your horrible behaviour on not just us but other people as well. We spend our time telling other people the horrible things you have said about them behind their backs. Of course, since we are in a relationship with you, it stands to reason that what we are saying must be true, otherwise why would we make it up about the person we love. We maintain that we are telling the “victim” of your scurrilous comments so they can keep an eye out for it happening again and to be a little wiser in their engagements with you. This will be based on oral recollection, so difficult to prove, but often we will engage a lieutenant in corroborating our lies so that the recipient believes us and is too busy basking in their own indignant and annoyed reaction to test the veracity of what they are being told.

  1. The Addict

You have a serious problem and the time has come to tell other people about it. You enjoy the occasional flutter on the horses. You actually have a huge gambling issue which incorporates the casino, slot machines, betting on line, frequent trips to the bookmakers and even betting on which of two rain drops will trickle down the pane the fastest. You may like a drink now and again and we will turn this into full blown alcoholism, showing off pictures of the empties in the over flowing recycling bin. Those empties are ours or are the product of a weekend party but we are not going to let that get in the way of our smear. You are addicted to sex, watching porn, trying to make us do things in the bedroom that we do not want to do, demanding sex on tap and demeaning us. Your recent weight gain, although nothing significant is used against you as evidence of addiction to food, the money you waste on take away food is really starting to stack up now and the salad section in the fridge only ever stocks cream cakes these days.

How might you deal with these smear campaigns and wipe them clean from your reputation? You are never in a position to stop them before they begin because you will not know about them until they are at least up and running and unfortunately to you heartfelt and emotional protestations just work against you, give us fuel and encourage us to up the pressure against you.

  1. Avoid reacting to them in an emotional fashion. This starves us of fuel and may cause us to drop the campaign because it is no longer having the desired effect. Some damage has been done from it already, but you will limit that damage.
  2. Consider carefully who you feel the need to disavow of our lies. If you need support in the context of your escape, save your energies for addressing the lies with those that matter in terms of providing you with support. You may lose some friends, but were they really good friends to have if they were taken in by the smear campaign?
  3. Use any independent evidence you may have to show to people – documents, video recordings, independent witnesses and just provide this to the relevant recipient of the smear campaign for them to make up their own mind. State your side of the story, refer to the evidence and let them make their own mind up. People don’t like to be told what to do. By allowing them to reach their own conclusion as to who is telling the truth you are more likely to gain an ally again and one who will also expound your truth to others on your behalf.
  4. If people approach you concerning the lies and want to discuss it with you, more out of a desire to engage in salacious gossiping than know the truth, there is no point engaging in a lengthy discussion in order to persuade this person. They are not interested in the truth, only the buzz which comes from having some gossip. Raise your hand as they begin and tell them, “He has told lies and I do not want to hear any more or discuss them.” That will stop it in its tracks. You may also wish to add that the matter is in the hands of lawyers which often causes people to back off as they do not want to become embroiled in legal action.
  5. Don’t engage in a reverse smear campaign by talking about what we have done. This creates fuel from us and because we have got in first, it makes you look like you are only saying this because of what we have said. Concentrate on protecting your own reputation. Don’t be concerned with blackening ours.
  6. Adopting the above points will turn the tide so that we are left with a choice of having to expend more time and energy to maintain the smear campaign in light of your non-fuel provision and calculated approach or more likely we will see it is not working and look to concentrate on someone else rather than you.
  7. If the smear campaign is having adverse effects in terms of your job, your professional standing and interaction with the authorities, engage a lawyer to set the record straight. A well-drafted letter to the relevant decision-maker is often sufficient to address the matter. Don’t engage in sending threatening letters to us (unless the smear campaign is especially bad and having serious repercussions on your life and livelihood) as this provides us with fuel and also provides us with an arena for us to continue the allegations and to look to gain further traction.
  8. Sometimes the most appropriate way is to ignore what is being said and get on with your own life. This demonstrates you have not taken the bait which will infuriate us. You may find it uncomfortable having lies said about you, but if it is having no visible effect on you, we will move on. Third parties are usually too caught up in their own lives to have much regard for such tittle tattle for long.

Smear campaigns are usually rolled out at when you are at your lowest ebb, feeling frazzled and emotional and this is why they become so effective, but you are able to wipe the mud away and move forwards. You can learn how to deal with the smear campaign by reading Smeared which is available in e-book and paperback on Amazon.

9 thoughts on “Getting Smeared (And How To Deal With It)

  1. Lisa Conrad says:

    It sucks. All but 6, and maybe even that, I’m just so much of a lightweight nobody would believe it. Life goes on, and if they never bothered to get to know me, but instead judged me by his lies, I’m happy to leave them over there.

    1. T says:

      Lisa, I totally agree with you.

  2. pseudonarcissus says:

    And by the by, she has already deployed all but one (#5) of the smear campaigns against me to no apparent avail. They are all, as you’d expect, true of her and I long before reading this both consulted friends and family and psychiatrists to understand her behavior, warned friends that she was angling for me, and revealed to my closest confidantes (who have firsthand evidence) that she’s an addict and a self-proclaimed slut, the word itself being emblazoned across the banner of one of her numerous salacious blogs. To my own wrong-doing, minor by comparison, I readily confessed and expressed genuine remorse which reflects today in my actions, not only in my words. Being squeaky clean during a smear campaign has been essential. It’s kept me innocent of her accusations as well as clear-headed and vigilant, prepared on all levels to defend myself. Yet until I read this article, I did almost everything HG Tudor warns us not to do and hardly any of the things he suggests. I’ll let you know the outcome when the dust settles.

  3. pseudonarcissus says:

    Thank you, HG Tudor, for your work. This will read as flattery, but it’s sincere praise. This blog is invaluable to me, a masterpiece by a master craftsman, passages from which I’m using this semester in a writing seminar as exempla of economy, wit, and organization. It may also save my life. According to your taxonomy (which in one stroke resolves the NPD community’s benighted debates regarding “Covert” narcissism and clarifies the DSM’s ambiguities), I’m a Super Empath and she is (I believe) Middle to Upper Mid Range. I deduce this because 1) she lacks the Lesser’s inability to control her fury. I’ve seen her rage erupt, then quickly disappear, only a few times, thrice when she bashed her fists with full force against her own skull in a quick frenzy, and twice when she destroyed fragile heirlooms that belonged to her. The only sustained fury came during the abrupt discard/escape when I met a sneering creature I’d never seen before flaunting her new Supply after maybe her sixth overnight disappearing act and expecting to re-enter our home. I was beginning to Supernova (I now know from studying your writing) and set her and all her belongings on the street while politely directing the Replacement to “take all this. The litter box goes with the pussy.” In the ensuing month, I wrote pleas, warnings to her IPPS, valentines, invitations to have no-strings attached sex, condolences, financial settlements, requests for info, peace treaties, declarations of war, diagnoses, and prescriptions for restoring balance. Her responses (1 to my 5, I’d estimate) were self-righteous, accusatory,fictions sprinkled with rare love snacks (Following my spot on diagnosis of Middle Midrange Narcissism: “You’re right about it all I’ll love you forever. We’ve known each other as no others ever have, but I can’t talk right now” and then silence. I’m belly laughing now, but clearly hoovered then). When I began trying out No Contact, she’d lob a lazy serve after a few days and I’d volley. As you’ve surmised, silence is NOT my strong suit. This ended with her appealing to a court and having a temporary restraining order issued for stalking. I know now I was fueling her, but also severely wounding her during her vitally important seduction of IPPS and jeopardizing its success, so she HAD to silence me and risk losing my Fuel. She has used accusations of family violence to silence my two immediate predecessors, both her husbands at the time (one dead, one imprisoned), but they were uneducated, actively addicted, thus poorly respected men who suffered her for years at a time. Neither ever even guessed the nature of the beast attacking them, much less mounted a defense against her. I have named her to her face after only 8 months of living together and have a hoard of damning evidence that refutes her claims as well as exposes her drug and sex addiction, which she knows I’ve left in the safekeeping of a fire-breathing attorney who’s a Greater Narc himself in case of foul play. I need not point out that this revelation could wreck her 14 year career as a teacher of young children with disabilities (good Fuel, I imagine). That’s right, she is by day, a mousy, unkempt but effective schoolmarm, by night an insatiable drug addict with a digital trail of enthusiastic participation in drug-fueled, multiple partner sexual hedonism who’s thrown down the gauntlet at the feet of a sober man in full Supernova, emotions in abeyance, who’s far smarter, more logical and articulate, with an arsenal at his command, no concern at all for his own reputation, and no reaction but revulsion at the thought of her after this long, healing silence. Why on earth would even the dullest neanderthal of a Narcissist take such a gamble? Does she intend to proceed to test me, to manipulate the judge with her Pity Play, to drop a Bomb, to surrender and seek help? She may read this and gain Fuel as she will attempt to at the Hearing, but the enforced No Contact has done nothing but inspire,empower, and educate me (thanks to you). She graduated college with honors, yes, but I taught University with a PhD. She is ruthless and fearless, yes, but I’m in Supernova, motherf******s–SO AM I. I look forward, HG, to your response. I foresee either an insight that simplifies this mystery with devastating brevity and/or a revelation of unforseen danger that has me choking on my own bravado. I realize, of course, this inquiry’s length and maybe its specificity, too, could disqualify it as a general post, so you might require a fee. In which case, I’ll ring her up and ask for a loan. You see, while she forgot our agreement to split expenses and left all the bills to me, she DID remember to clean out and close the bank account. Clever girl, a source of endless amusement–from this distance at least. Thanks, PN.

  4. Rosemarie Ifill says:

    Smear was done to me and for hell he won’t go

  5. Julie says:

    Great article HG. My greater did the #1 so bad on me and everything he did to me he told internal investigations I did them to HIM and then he threw in a few things that never even happened. It was so bad they made ME go get a psych evaluation before returning to work! Narc-1, jules- -10. I was the one who lodged a complaint to his Sgt & Lt and expected some help to get him to leave me alone but being the greater he is I lost of course. I didnt even remotely think things would go the way they did and was dumbfounded at what was being said about me & my character. Everytime they asked about something that happened it was always something he had done to me. Nails thrown in my driveway on several occasions, I caught him hiding in my bushes one night while I was in the hot tub, constantly driving by house, he smeared epoxy all over my brand new audi, he would blow up my phone in the middle of the night so bad I had to turn it completely off, he would follow me around town, he was running license plates of cars in my driveway to see who was at my house, he even stole my mail out of my mailbox!.. the list can go on& on and yet I was the psycho in the end.

    HG.. he would have made his brethren proud omggg smh

    1. Kelly B says:

      NCIS and health services and the narcissistic psychopath lies and turns everything around. Making you look like the crazy one. They do a dirty smear when you speak up.

  6. T says:

    I love number 8!!!
    The smear on me was severe. I had to let go of a lot of people. It hurts to have to, but where they really my friends? They sure didn’t act like it, so in reality, he did me a favor.
    It’s been a rough road to recover, but I’ve decided to build my Empire with the bricks thrown at me.
    Yes, I’m still bitter…but better bitter than fake friends.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      T
      “It’s been a rough road to recover, but I’ve decided to build my Empire with the bricks thrown at me”

      Atta girl.

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