You Sicken Me
We are strong, powerful and impervious to illness or injury. We are a bastion of invulnerability, a veritable shining example of radiant health and vitality. Our superiority means we stand head and shoulders above everyone else and the weakness that comes with ill health and infirmity is not something that affects us. Except when we decide it must. That is when we play the sickness card. There are three instances, in the main, when we do this.
The first is when we do actually suffer from some illness or an injury. It may just be a fractured eyelash but to us we have been blinded with a red hot poker. The pain, good Lord the pain, it is too great and intense. It wracks us and has us twisted up in agony. Come on empath, do something. Do something now. Soothe our fevered brows, splint our broken limbs and bind our wounds. You must drop anything and everything. Forget being at work today, you must call in and excuse yourself no matter how inconvenient, for you are required to don a nurse’s outfit and do your best Florence Nightingale impression for us. This slight snuffle is pneumonia you know and to top it all it is your fault. You insisted on the window of the bedroom being left open, now see what you have done. I may not last the week. You would like that wouldn’t you, you ungrateful bitch after everything that I have done for you. You did it on purpose. You wanted me to be ill so you could see me suffer. That is how nasty and selfish you are. Is it any wonder I have been off with other women when this is how I am treated by somebody who is supposed to love me? Yes the smallest spot, minor ache and slight cough are all that is needed to enable us to declare that we are on our death beds. It is good for several uses. First of all, we will use it to avoid doing things such as household chores or attending an event that you wanted to go to. Secondly, it means you must give us plenty of attention by looking after us. Those soothing words and hot water bottles brought to our bedside all provide us with fuel. Thirdly, we are able to provoke you by being demanding and castigating you for not living up to expectations. You didn’t bring that hot lemon drink soon enough or those are the wrong pills. We will compare you to others, ” My mother would do a better job of looking after me than you.” All of which is designed to cause a reaction from you.
The second occasion on which we will play the sickness card is when you are ill or injured. We are not here to look after you. Good Lord, not at all. Why should we? That is not our role. We are too busy looking for fuel and we do not have the time or energy to spend engaged in nursing you. Not only of course are we devoid of the concept of feeling that we should care and that we should feel sorry and compassionate for someone who is unwell, we do not regard it as a task that is worthy of someone as brilliant as us. If you moan enough so that we are compelled to call out a doctor we will pronounce our own diagnosis in order to align ourselves with the brilliance of the medic. When he concludes what ailment it is you are suffering from we will declare,
“Yes, I said to her that that was what was wrong with her, but she won’t listen to me doctor, she insisted on getting you out. I am sorry she has wasted your time.”
We get to denigrate you and upset you whilst showing off how clever we are because we knew what was wrong with you (even though we did not) and the doctor accords with us. We may as well steal a segment of the doctor’s brilliance for our construct whilst he is here mightn’t we?
We will then invite the doctor to examine our shoulder or leg as we go to great lengths explaining how much pain we are in. This keeps the spotlight firmly on us and has you annoyed that we have hijacked your consultation. We will look to declare we are far worse off than you. You have a cold, well we have flu. We will use this as an opportunity to accuse you of attention seeking (nice bit of projection there) as we point out how selfish you are for being ill when we are. We have no interest in tending to you and we need to make the situation all about us. Accordingly, we will fake an illness or an injury in order to trump yours.
The third reason as to why we will play the sickness card is when we are low on fuel and low on energy. There may be any number of reasons why this state of affairs has arisen. You may be getting wise to some of our manipulative behaviour and therefore you are not reacting as often so that the level and quality of fuel that you provide is reduced. We may also have a natural dip in our energy levels or feel some degree of vulnerability which means that our resources are being stretched rather thin. This makes it difficult for us to seek out additional sources of fuel. This diminution in fuel reduces our power and this risks the craven creature that lurks within trying to escape and making itself heard. When this happens, the creature’s whisperings remind us of our weakened selves. We are not ill. We are not injured. What we are however is feeling weakened, as if we are ill or injured. Accordingly, we play the sickness card in order to obtain an emergency injection of fuel from you or whoever else might be to hand. As an empathic individual you are programmed to respond to this and you cannot resist the opportunity to exhibit your caring nature in order to help us out and nurse us. The attention you lavish on us provides us with fuel and we begin to feel more powerful again. The creature’s catcalls fade as he is subsumed within the prison of our constructed edifice once again and our supremacy returns. Our weakness lifts thanks to this provision of fuel from you and this has been instigated by us playing the sickness card. We will do this to garner sympathy from you, from family and friends and also from health professionals. Our favourite ailments of course are of the invisible variety. Depression, a stomach pain or a bad back. We are brilliant actors and ham up our suffering. The portrayal of our poor sick self would please Ferris Bueller. As with most things it is just another fabrication designed to manipulate you and provide us with fuel but you must never dare question us. We of course have researched the symptoms thoroughly and our Munchausen Syndrome is most prevalent. You are duty bound to help us rise from our sick bed or you are a bad person and we will cut you out of our will in the event that this terrible affliction sends us to the reaper. You will be sick to death of our illnesses and injuries but you will be duty bound to attend to them.
38 thoughts on “You Sicken Me”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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One time he claimed his shoulder was killing him. He could barely move his arm. It was so painful. He said it was probably a torn rotator cuff. This went on for months and I would massage it. But he kept lifting heavy weights not letting it heal. I finally said if it hurts that bad then you need to go to the doctor.
So I drove him to the doctor which is an hour away. And the doctor told him it was just a sore muscle.
When we got in the car to go home. He said, ”I know what you are thinking what a pussy.” I just smiled
The illness card – great idea. Let me send him one.
‘Get well soon!’ (NOT adressing his stomach- or backpains)
How ironic of me.
How heartfelt also.
Contradictions, he made me become a master in it.
Yup he had asthma – always got really really bad when things were going wrong for him. Always pulled out the inhaler for attention.
Always used it as an excuse when he he didn’t want to see me or did want to see me.
He had a night time ventilator. He’d talk about his struggles at work. Attention and empathy flowed. How I imagined the poor man alone at night struggling to breathe. Nope he had his gf tucked up next to him. She was doing everything to get him off the meds- built him a steam room – holiday home in a better climate, exercise, swimming.
Oh my gosh all the effort she’s putting in.
Hes antidepressants when it suits.
He has skin problems when it suits.
He had his hernia repaired – we obv both changed his dressings. Without knowing of the other.
She is fussing and fussing and he comes up with more and more ailments that she tries to fix.
Oh thank god im nearly over it – i can see so clearly now his pathetic attention seeking fuelling ways.
She will come down with a very big bump. Hers has been the best most lavish golden period I have seen him provide – in hind sight. He really is becoming better at that. And I’ve seen him provide a few from the sidelines.
He even told me about a ‘friend’ who thought he’d found the one at last. The one who fitted his life style. The one who could hostess and entertain his friends and that they would live happily ever after.
This story hurt when I realised he was talking about himself and her.
Why couldn’t I be that person?
But now I know I was too cynical would not pander to his behaviour would not big him up in front of people. I admired him but refused to massage his ego. And he kept me in that place.
Now I’m relieved I didn’t. I wanted equality and a mutually respectful relationship.
He placed her on the pedestal so she thought she was equal or more. Because she provided great fuel.
He would always tell me over 20 yrs about this dream of a woman who would hostess for him and be the perfect home maker. He never gave me the chance. I longed for that chance. I don’t know why he never did but I’m glad now.
I didn’t realise that my mirror was cracking and I had started to see the monster behind it. My thoughts about it are all distorted.
I feel sorry for the inevitable. She’s going to take a big big tumble. I hope she creates a supernova.
Em
You didn’t get your chance because you didn’t pass muster regarding fuel, traits and residual benefits.
You wrote:
1. She was doing everything to get him off the meds- built him a steam room – holiday home in a better climate, exercise, swimming.
2. She is fussing and fussing and he comes up with more and more ailments that she tries to fix.
3. She provided great fuel
4. I admired him but refused to massage his ego.
5. I wanted equality and a mutually respectful relationship.
Great example of triangulation in your comment, as well.
IPPS devaluation is the worst and she is in for a rude awakening; you are very lucky to have escaped that fate.
Hey K
Thank you – I didn’t even know I was being triangulated until afterwards.
I didn’t know she existed. He just enjoyed squeezing every bit of fuel out of the situation. Comparing us.
I guess she’s receiving the devaluation. A worse devaluation as she was the golden one. I still envy her. Envy her attraction and power over him.
I’ve had emails from new addresses wanting to talk to me. So tempting. But it would be empty. I’ve ignored. Makes me cross that I get a tingle and some satisfaction excitement from a new email popping in.
You are welcome, Em
They will do anything for fuel and triangulation is so easy to use. I understand your envy, however, if you look at it this way, she is easily replaceable and means nothing to him, except for her fuel output, character traits and residual benefits. Essentially, he is just using and abusing her and she doesn’t have any “real power”; she is attractive because she fulfills the Prime Aims. Trust me, you are lucky! You never want to be the IPPS; devaluation is brutal.
Time will help with the tingles and excitement (ever presence) and try to avoid those mystery e-mails because they can drag you right back into his false reality and that is the last thing you need. I found it helpful to read when I had moments of weakness.
Hi K. It’s so weird to think he was triangulating me without me knowing. It was so obscure.
It’s a relief to hear you describe her lot. People tell me she will handle him because she is so strong and determined. It’s good to be reminded that devaluation is inevitable. Although poor her really.
I’m glad I have awareness now. Ever presence is so addictive. Don’t think I could ever go back though.
I won’t be tempted by emails – when I have moments of weakness I read this site and add my comments. So helpful.
Em
Rant all you want, it is healthy and I did it, too. N/C, reading the articles/comments and time worked for me and don’t be surprised if you take two steps forward and ten steps back. Ever presence will fade but that takes time. Narcissists will do things without you even being aware of it; they are crafty devils. She may be strong and determined but devaluation is inevitable and won’t be pleasant and it may become intolerable at some point. I feel bad for her, too. When you feel tempted or weak, just read and there’s no way in hell I will ever go back either!
Thanks K! Trouble is I’m about to start work where I will come across him.
It’s the most perfect job for me – but I will have to encounter him twice a month. HG said ignore him. Easier said than done and I’m getting v twitchy about seeing him after nearly a year.
I’m sure he knows hence the emails.
Currently I have the upper hand but the thought of having to deal with him makes me edgy.
Any advice? One friend there knows but that’s it. I’m sure he’s going to play up and make me give him attention. I can imagine he will plonk himself in my office and want to talk or he might smear me if I don’t play the game. Showing no emotion will be tough. It could just be the thought of it, when I see him I might just know instinctively how to blank him without being rude.
You are welcome, Em
Listen to HG and ignore him. Also, read/listen to:
https://narcsite.com/2018/04/04/how-to-reduce-giving-fuel-to-the-narcissist/
Do not worry about being rude, focus on NC and being as fuel free as possible. Read all the Golden rules of Freedom and keep reading until you get your ET under control. If he smears you, ignore it. Trust me, you do NOT want to get tangled up in that web of deceit and lies. You will rue that day, I guarantee it.
Yes thanks K. ET has been on the rise.
It’s a scary prospect. No intention of going back but know what an effect he can have on me.
Thank you for the advice. I can and will do this. I’ll keep reading too it’s so helpful. Thanks again. Feeling better today.
You are welcome, Em
I am happy to read that you are feeling better. Like you, I struggle with ET too and recognizing it is half the battle. Anytime you need to search something, just put the word(s)/title in the search bar, to wit, NoFuc or F.R.E.E. and the articles should come up.
K – where can I find the golden rules of freedom in one place?
Try searching for golden rules
Got them
After a year no contact he’s still trying. I miss him. I miss the excitement. The attention. The sex.
I don’t miss the wrong footing the sneers the mini criticisms the never staying over the not knowing quite what’s going on
If he’s still sending messages he can’t be that happy
EM
He is unable to ever be happy but you can be.
Everyone
Isn’t the truth that you only miss their POTENTIAL? Because they never really were those things they presented to you. You were in love with their potential to be someone you could love. Someone like yourself ironically.
NarcAngel,
Thank you. I just have to remember that and remain focused on me and my healing. Get a wobble occasionally. Yes the potential. Loved nothing really.
Teaching me to love myself.
Illusion and potential can just about be interchangeable.
Em
Narcs don’t do “happy” they do “power” and control and he is sending you messages because he wants your fuel. The attraction, the sex and the excitement are all ever presence and will take time to fade. Try to work on replacing your emotional thinking with logic. Read, read and read some more.
NarcAngel is right; we were really in love with ourselves and the (false) potential that we thought we had with the narcissist.
K thank you for clarifying my thoughts. My rants help me off load my emotions.
I know you are right. Time will heal. It gets better two steps forward one back. This site and everyone’s comments and support help too.
NarcAngel,
Re: “Isn’t the truth that you only miss their POTENTIAL? Because they never really were those things they presented to you. You were in love with their potential to be someone you could love.”
VERY WELL SAID! This is the absolute truth. Someone’s potential is just that… it’s not the real thing. The real person was hollow.
NA
Too beautifully said!
I printed that one. Thank you.
eah, I hate it when I fracture an eye lash!😉Good one, HG!
Well the list of comedy genius quotes is getting longer… a couple of fine examples in this article.. spot on!
True. The only way I survived this type of thing was my addiction to meth. It helped me not feel feelings. But it also weakened me physically and he used it well to keep me in bondage.
Reading this brings me back to those times. I now know I was desperate for him to love me. He was on drugs too, and still is. I have not done that drug in 2 years. I did them to keep up with him. I now going through anger that I put myself through his bullshit. I think I didn’t want to believe what was happening. I didn’t want another failed relationship, so I did whatever I could to hang on. I was going to make it work. But I could not.
T
Do the work now to have a healthy relationship with yourself. Its the only relationship that really matters, because without it, relationships with others are doomed to fail.
T – somehow I missed this earlier, that you were also on meth. Good on you for staying clean! A nearly impossible thing to do! I have huge admiration for you for accomplishing that!
Purpleinnature, thank you. It’s a hard drug to quit. 6 months ago I quit pills.
It’s hard to take a sober look at things. Everyday is a battle. I go to 12 step meetings, have a sponsor, who I check in with daily to help keep my mind from wandering of my path, lol, whatever that is.
And everyone here helps to keep me from going back to the abuse.
Congrats it is hard! Facing after narc’s life sober is not easy. I suspect there are many twelstepper here as co-dependents also get their fix from their narcs.
Today I miss my Narc like I miss my glass of wine by a warm summer day. I was able to face it – it passed but I was really close to texting him.
I did not – I am proud of it.
Congrats again – I know it is hard.
I’m proud of you, too!!!!
What we’ve been through isn’t good!! But we’re winning each day!!!
And OMJ , congratulations to you as well.
Hi T,
I just wanted to share something with you, not only in response to this post but also our previous conversations.
If there was only one thing that I could promote it would be self care/ love( the healthy type )
There is a great ( in my opinion) British author Caitlin Moran. She wrote a letter to teenage girls which I always thought To be very insightful and relevant for all woman who have been through difficult times. She is addressing the teenage girls that she meets, but in my opinion the message of the letter can transcend the age group it is directed at.
I see it as a message to girls / women who have known pain, who may be struggling to get through a day in one piece, who are full self doubt, who are recovering, who are trying to understand who they are now. I’m not saying that this is where you are at, but I have been drawn to your comments and have observed expressions of pain in them. I have reacted to that and wanted to offer support.
I wanted to share a clip of her reading this letter with you. In my mind the best advise in it links to the ideology of mindfulness. Being able to practice this skill can be very helpful when the mind has been busy, and lots of thoughts especially negative ones intrude.
If anything else all you have to do is manage one minute, if you can do that you can manage the next,
I believe that you have demonstrated incredible bravery, and honesty T. The fact that you have taken yourself off meth, and are moving in a different direction is amazing. Be proud of who you are shaping yourself to be now, and show yourself the love and compassion you wanted to give to him, wherever you can. You deserve it. X
https://youtu.be/EyDuG-gCX0k
Quasi! Thank you for this.!!!
I really appreciate it!!!
Quasi!!! I love Caitlyn!!! Listened to more of her video’s! She rocks! Thanks so much for turning me on to her!!!
No problem T, I’m really pleased that you like her and have gained something from this. In my opinion this is the other great part of the blog, being empaths and Showing care and support for each other. Your doing so well lovely, keep at it…
YES the sickness card. I bought that narc. a bunch of herbs and vitamins to help him, as he was sick for a month. I sent it to him by mail. A few weeks later, I saw a photo of him at a art showing with the main supply the week I sent him the stuff. He looked health and full of Narc. shit. I know he drinks a lot of wine and his dad had heart issues and he could have high blood pressure. So maybe his life on Earth will end soon. Having a heart attack sexing it up with one of his harem women in a seedy motel. Headlines ” President of #$@#$ was found dead in motel room with NOT his girlfriends” Some day pay back will be a bitch. He got let go or had his title taken away from his company. Hmmmm Justice will Prevail
I saw it with my father who almost died a couple months ago.
He was such a jerk to the nurses – my sister works in psychiatry at that hospital and she was really annoyed at my father.
You should have seen his eyes rolling with love when I cleaned ( litterally) his ass. I did again, felt for him that day. He looked so much full of love for me and appreciative yet a few minutes later he was tellin the nurse how stupid she was while 5 minutes later charming the big boobs other nurse. So embarrassing !!
I am afraid we took too good care of him – and because I am the golden child every thing I have done has so much more value than what my siblings have done – in reality they all did more than me. Sometimes I understand why they get annoyed with me.
In fact this made me think of the post on trust – my father was giving us lectures about honesty everyday – how important it was and yet he was cheating on my mom all the time- was always on business trips dumping his family responsabilities and chore on us the kids and asking to have his shoes shining and being nasty at my co-dependent mom.
This piercing blue stare – same as his narc mother – when he was sick –
His stare was frightening.