Smile For Me
I just love that special smile of yours. I know that the first time I saw you displaying it that I wanted it for myself. I wanted to be the recipient of that smile and I wanted it so badly, oh so very badly that I went for you with ferocious determination. I watched as it slowly formed, your delectable lips twisting upwards and then parted to allow your teeth to be seen. Many animals bare their teeth as a warning to others to stay back, but not you. As you revealed your teeth and your smile widened into a grin I watched transfixed. I could see the effect it had on those near you. I could see how they felt happier for seeing your smile. I detected it in their faces, in their reactions and if I had been close enough I have little doubt that I would have been able to hear their pleasure and joy as you allowed them to bask in the warmth of your smile. It was inclusive. You showed it to everyone sat around that table and nobody was missed out. You did not break into laughter. That would almost have been vulgar and spoilt the scintillating effect of the way you conveyed such emotion to others near you. I continued to watch from my position across the bar as the words of whoever it was I was with that night, I cannot recall now, became nothing but white noise. I only allowed myself to hear her expressions of irritation at how I was distracted by you.
I made my excuses, feigning illness and dispatched whoever it was I was with, I cannot recall now, in a taxi with an already broken promise to call whoever it was, I cannot recall now and once that person who I cannot now recall had gone I returned to the restaurant. I positioned myself next to your table, sat at the bar and allowed myself to eavesdrop on the conversation that you were engaged in as I allowed myself a closer examination of your smile. It appeared frequently and never diminished in its brilliance. It was engaging, captivating and I had to have it. With customary ease I allowed myself to join your table once the dining had been concluded on the pretext of making a point arising from something you had said. I had already established from the body language around the table that none of the attending men were accompanying you and the behaviour of the other women indicated they were no more than friends. No ring rested on your wedding finger and you responded to my polite intrusion with a brief flash of that smile. I knew the drawbridge was down and the portcullis was up.
Accordingly, I made your smile mine and how I revelled in those perfect lips as they moved into that glorious smile. I had known fuller lips but yours were certainly not what I would call thin. Your left cheek dimpled when you smiled broadly and thereafter I knew that your smile was only truly for me. Yes, you smiled for others and I was proud of you for doing so, allowing them to experience it but only at a fraction of what was reserved for me. I was the sole recipient of the full magnitude of that smile and its amazing effect. You conveyed so much to me with your smile. The times you smiled at me in supportive admiration as I held forth at dinner parties, your appreciative smile when I did something for you, the sensual smile when you knew that our sexual congress was looming, the amazed smile when I stunned you with yet another example of my brilliance, your satisfied smile when you looked at me across the living room from where you were reading a book, safe and content in our world where your smile was mine and nobody else’s. I relished seeing your sleepy smile when I turned to you in the morning and gently kissed you on the nose. I delighted when you contacted me using your video capability on your ‘phone and you deliberately showed only your smiling mouth. Countless times I would record you doing so and play the footage back when I sat alone and relished the sensation which washed over me as I watched.
What made your smile so special was the fact that you gave it willingly to me. You told me that nobody had made you smile as much as I had. I took no issue with that for I knew it was something that I was entirely capable of. Your sweet, illuminating smile belonged to me, was engaged for me and existed just for me. I worked so hard to ensure that your mouth gave me that smile again and again and again. It sustained me and invigorated me, turning a moment of weakness into one of edifying strength in but a moment. I can truly say that nobody else has had a smile which has such an effect on me as yours. I saw what it did for other people and I knew that they were only experiencing a small percentage of what I felt because the true power and radiance of that smile was kept just for me because you understood me, you knew how I needed it and you were content and delighted to provide it to me. It was a beautiful smile, a beguiling smile, an admiring smile, a playful smile, an engaging smile, an enticing smile, an uplifting smile and so much more but above all else it was your special smile. Special for me.
Most of all though I cherished your smile because better than anyone else you knew how to hide everything behind that smile. I knew this is what you did and I knew he began teaching you to do so all that time ago. I made sure that you continued to use your smile in this way. I completed your learning. Now it cloaked everything that the world did not need to know about. I made your smile extra-special didn’t I?
19 thoughts on “Smile For Me”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I smile because I know in my heart , Iam loved and needed , and this realm is not as important as the next . This is not a real home for our souls.
Sad.
Ok…I’ve been wondering about something. I have always had a difficult time crying in front of narcissists. Besides the feeling I had that they enjoyed my pain…. I would feel ashamed. I need to do an audio consult but I have a hard time talking about my life details without crying. Have any of you broke down crying during one of these consults? How did it go?
I’m not, in any way, implying that HG would be anything but professional. I just have a feeling I will cry through most of it and don’t want my embarrassment to prevent me from doing it.
I have had many people cry during consultations, it is understandable given what they are talking about.
Jess, you will find HG to be very patient and non judgemental with a calming energy. Whether you cry or whether you don’t, he will listen to every word you say. (Unless you have one of those “ugly” cries we have from time to time and you become incoherent in which case he would patiently ask you to repeat what you said. Haha)
Once he begins to give you his analysis, you will wonder if he has clairvoyant abilities, such it the detail he picks up on. It would be helpful if there is a way to record the session. He gives you so much information, you will be unable to write it all down much less absorb it. You will be fine, do the consult. You will be glad you did, even if you end up ugly crying!
Thank you MB.
Jess
He is very professional.
I cried, he was considerate, patient and professional. His insights were accurate to not only questions of my past yet of those dealing with my ex.
You won’t regret consulting with him, this is no different then seeing a specialist on a medical condition….you want accurate information, you will have it with him.
Thank you Twilight.
Your welcome HG
Your consults are worth the insights you provide. God knows you answered a question of mine, I thought I would never get an answer to.
Hi jess…i just wanted to say dont be afraid to cry. I know it can be embarressing but its very therapeutic. Ive cried in front of many a therapist and after its out of the way i feel more at ease with opening up and sharing whats going on. Youve held a lot in and it needs to be released as part of healing. Dont feel ashamed or hindered by this.
Omgoodness…there is gonna be some serious crying. I’ll have to write things down and stay focused. I have total faith in HG’s ability to be controlled, gracious and professional.
I’ve waited to audio consult. I didn’t know where to start. Years of feigning indifference have caught up to me and just gathering my thoughts has proven difficult. I’ve quit numbing myself. The emotions are uncomfortable but, for the first time, they are my own and not at the abuser’s whim. It’s really something.
Thank you for your thoughts.
I cried during my first audio consultation. HG was very patient. I had admitted things to him that I never told anyone and I was afraid of being judged and afraid of what he might say. About halfway through I felt so much better. HG asked most of the questions. The second and third consultation I wrote my questions down beforehand. But I still get very nervous. I sweat, pace around, fidget with my pen. Good thing it’s just audio. I hope you do it. You are worth it.
No, I did not cry. If you have a difficult time crying in front of narcs, remember HG is a narcissist.
Jess
I was so impressed by this comment that I made a note of it.
Insatiable Learner
DECEMBER 16, 2017 AT 00:56
Hi Mary, I understand your reservation as I had similar concerns initially. However, I decided to book a consult with HG and I am here to tell you I was so glad I did. I should have done it sooner. I got a lot of validation, invaluable insight, answers I was looking for, and even, understanding, support, and encouragement. Yes, HG is a narcissist but because he is so highly aware, you really do not feel that he is at all. He is patient and even comforting. I broke down crying at one point and he comforted me. Just wanted to share my experience with HG’s consult. Highly recommend it!
It can be located here:
https://narcsite.com/2017/12/13/no-contact-suicide-part-two/comment-page-1/
K, thank you for sharing this.
You are welcome, Mary
It was brave of IL to share her experience and I remember thinking: Damn, HG has empathy concern!!!
Mary
P.S.
To be very clear, HG’s empathy concern is cognitive; there is no emotional correlate. Many of my narcs do not have this or do a terrible job pretending to care.
If you haven’t read this already, you can read about empathy concern here.
https://narcsite.com/2018/04/21/the-three-strands-of-empathy-4/
Yes, you did.
How many times, since I have learned what you truly are, have you lamented missing my smile? Now you know….I smile for everyone but you. It does not hide anything. I am genuinely happy at having discovered the reason for my pain….and with knowledge comes power. I smile because I know I am strong…. and you are weak. Weak and pathetic. Every time I see you I am reminded of that fact. Life is good…..and is getting better every day 🙂 🙂 (You should see the huge grin on my face)