Drunk With Fatigue

DRUNKWITHFATIGUE

 

 

Are you reading this through bleary eyes as you desperately await the effect of a caffeine boost to kick start your weary self into life to endure another day? Perhaps you can vividly recall that drained sensation that haunted you and that nagging ache which was ever present behind your eyeballs? The need to close your eyes and slip into a deep and restful slumber. All you wanted to do was to close your eyes and allow the tiredness to evaporate and shrouded in the amnesiac qualities of sleep you would be given respite from the nightmare that enveloped you. Yet, you were never able to achieve that sleep. Your near permanent anxiety meant that as you lay in bed you were tensed, ready to respond to the next jibe or manipulation. You heard a click. Was that me exiting the study at long last and coming to the bedroom or was it just the house settling? You were hyper vigilant and you cannot now recall how long that state had existed but you did know that it caused a nightly battle where you tried to sleep but each sound made you twitch and ready yourself. Sometimes you must have fallen asleep, such was the extent of your exhaustion and you dreamed and then suddenly you awoke. What had happened? Why did you awake so suddenly? You twist and see me there lying fast asleep, unburdened by any concerns. Even now you want to reach out and touch me in the hope that my hand will be placed on your shoulder and then my arm will envelope you, making you feel safe and secure, like it once did. You have learned not to reach out though for the consequences of waking me from my rest are not worth experiencing again. Instead, your shaking hand retreated and you turned to look at the clock and you sighed with resignation as you realised that the fitful sleep you had endured was only about an hour in length.

You lay there, eyes stinging and head heavy giving thanks that it was not one of those nights where I repeatedly jabbed you in the back to stop you sleeping. How did I manage to do that and then bound from the bed refreshed and revitalised as you rose like a zombie? How had I been able to interrupt your sleep through the night by prodding you and yet I was energetic? Was I sleeping during the day like some vampire hiding from the sunlight? At least this time I am sleeping and you have been spared the intermittent prod in the small of your back. It is a small mercy since the questions and thoughts race around your mind, as they always do in the dead of night. Why is this happening? What has gone wrong? Why am I doing this? When will it end? How can you stop it? Should you ask me to talk about it or will that risk another argument? How much more can you take? When did you last sleep properly? These questions and more besides whirl around in your mind, having taken a hold in your head. Your eyes flick to the silent television set in the corner of the room and you debate watching something, anything, just to break the relentless churning in your skull, but even with the volume set at barely audible you know it will disturb me and then it will be your fault again.

You look to the door now closed. You managed to resist a lock being fitted to the bedroom door, wary of what further horrors might be unleashed against you if your exit was barred but each day you fear that on your return that you will see an invoice from a joiner on the kitchen table and a lock has been fitted. You ponder whether you should head downstairs and see if sleep will come on the sofa or at least you can put the headphones on and listen to a radio play or some music. That would provide some sanctuary but yet again, as if possessed of some sixth sense, you know that I will appear and demand to know what you are doing downstairs in the middle of the night. No matter how deeply I appear to be sleeping it as if I sense your absence and come looking for you. It is then that you face the accusations of texting some man behind my back even though your ‘phone is not to hand. It does not matter what the facts are does it? I always find a way of twisting the blame on to you. No, you cannot steal downstairs and instead you must remain board stiff in bed as your eyes watch the incessant march of time and sleep remains evasive. You can feel the hammering of your heart in your chest. Even though nothing is happening and all is quiet and still, that sense of foreboding remains. A cold hand of dread has gripped your heart and squeezes, driving the breath from your body and causing anxiety to spread across you. Perhaps you ought to see the doctor and see if he will prescribe something for this? You will need to do it without my knowledge otherwise I shall accuse you of attention-seeking by going to the doctor without consulting me first. I, of course, know what is best for you and I screen everything you do before determining whether I shall allow it. You know you ought to fight against it but you are so tired, so weary and you need what little strength remains to help you navigate a way throughout the day without treading on a mine and causing an explosion of fury. It is getting harder. You forget things now. Your memory used to be excellent or at least you think it did. Even thinking is becoming arduous and sometimes you just sit, staring into space, caught somewhere between wakefulness and hypnosis. If only one night of rest could come, if only this anxiety, this fear, this wariness would leave you and let you gain some strength, then you would not make the mistakes and I would not be angry. Perhaps then we could be as we used to be. You can still remember that and hope with all your heart that somehow this situation can be retrieved. You never felt tired then. You never walked with a shuffle or placed the milk in the dishwasher in error. You did not forget you were baking something until the acrid smell of smoke jolted you from your daydreaming and had you running into the kitchen, cursing your foolishness and immediately wondering if you could cook a fresh batch before I came home and witnessed another of your failures.

The clock shows 5am and sleep has evaded you once more. The dull throb in the centre of your forehead remains. You would have to be up in an hour anyway. There is no point trying to sleep now. You can see the first rind of dawn trying to permeate through the curtains and another day has arrived. You may as well rise and weave through this day, whichever day it is, is it Wednesday or Thursday? You cannot quite remember. You slide your feet from the bed and sit up, glancing at me over your shoulder, back now turned to you, my body rising and falling in a steady rhythm as I sleep on, oblivious to your exhaustion. You stand and sway a little as you ready yourself for another day of feeling drunk with fatigue.

Listen to Drunk With Fatigue

 

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37 thoughts on “Drunk With Fatigue”

  1. I find it fascinating that the behaviors are nearly identical from one narcissist to another. Is there a handbook? “How to be a narcissist in 3 easy steps?” ~ My narc would nearly push me out of bed every night. I would wake up, literally, on the edge of mattress. In addition to his dog keeping me awake all night, I didn’t sleep for nearly 8 months. I left him to his dog.

  2. Oh my! I was reading this and feeling every bit of her worn out self in me. This is life as a sole caretaker with my mom. Although, we don’t sleep together…..thank god!

  3. Poking and prodding all damn night. The lesser would start around 11 pm and do it off and on until around 5:30 am then hop his a** up and run 4 miles.

    I contemplated a penis/ectomy 😊 figured it wasn’t worth it.

  4. congrats on ten mill
    I was going to ask you ‘what’s up with narcissists and food’
    but there is a great article about it
    ‘food glorious food’ shame that article
    doesnt seem to get reposted

  5. 10,000,000 Finally!!! I have been watching the numbers climb waiting for this!! Congratulations 🎉🍾🎊🎈 HG! I’m so excited and happy for you!! A Star is Born! 👏 👏 xxx

      1. 10,000,000 HG I’M VERY PLEASED FOR YOU , YOUR TAPE’S HAVE BEEN A GODSEND FOR OTHERS & MYSELF , THANK YOU WITH ALL MY HEART 😊😄! GOOD LUCK , SINCERELY SHARON

  6. I really had to put my foot down on this whole sleep thing, but oh my gosh. If I didn’t have work the next day, my mid-ranger would keep me up until I couldn’t stand anymore. It was rarely a negative thing as described above, although there were a few nights like that. It was just annoying. Just talking talking talking talking. I guess that’s part of the whole attraction to the “good listener”. “Yes dear? What would you like to endlessly talk at me about all night long? Surfing? Oh that sounds lovely. Yes. Talk to me about something I’m not even slightly interested in for 5 hours. I don’t mind. Oh, I’m sorry, I think my eyes darted away from you for a split second after the third hour. How rude of me.” Jesus Christ.

    I don’t remember losing sleep with my Greater unless it was time to “talk about the relationship” again. Aka gaslight the hell out of me until I want to curl into the fetal position and sink through the floor.

    My lesser… I would just stay up all night wondering where the hell he was. I guess that was worse than listening to endless commentary on surfing.

    1. Purpleinnature
      So one was out waxing his board and the other one just talked about it. Jesus. You should avoid the beach.

      1. NarcAngel – Lmao!! Yes. Luckily, only YouTube videos of surfing trigger ptsd for me, as I have watched every single one that ever existed. Lol. I’m sure I can still go to the beach in real life, though, as that only happened once in the five years I was with him.

        And to be more specific, he’s actually a bodyboarder, because surfing is too hard. Lol. But of course, according to him, bodyboarding is way better and cooler. Surfing is not as fun, not that he would even know. I’m sure, deep down, he knows that surfers are more skilled. If I ever implement HG’s Revenge plan from his book, I plan to send him the message “Surfers are more skilled than bodyboarders”. He would have nowhere to turn for solace. Lol. I honestly can’t imagine another woman listening to his rambling as patiently and endlessly as I did.

      2. NARC ANGEL, MY HUSBAND OF 45YEARS, IST CLASS,CEREABIL NARCISSIST WOULD SHAVE &CUT HIS HAIR , TAKE HIS TIE,S SUIT S & WHITE SHIRTS OUT OF THE CLOSEST BRUSH THEM OFF , TELL ME SIT THERE , NOT TO SPEAK & WATCH HIM! I DID ,I WAS SO THANKFUL HE SAVED ME FROM MY NARCISSIST FATHER WHAT THE HELL AT LEAST THIS ONE DIDN’T BEAT ME UP !😥😅😶!

      3. Sharon. Oh my god. Did he give you some sort of reason for making you do that? How long would you have to sit there? That’s so weird. Mine would just babble on and on and on for hours and hours about whatever he was excited about, but at least that kind of makes sense. He just liked to hear himself talk and needed a prop girl to sit and pretend to fawn over his brilliant days of that one time he did something cool.

        Why the hell would someone want you to watch him brush his clothes off? That’s some serial killer psychopath shit right there. Not to freak you out or anything.

      1. Congrats on the 10 million hits milestone! Can’t wait to see what articles, books and and anything else you have up your sleeve for the next 10 million. Who knew I’d last so long reading someone called Malignarc that first day on 8/31/15.

      2. Thank you Clarece, first class education is always addictive you see.

      3. HaHa! Seeing you’ve kept at this for 3 years, I guess you are a little addicted yourself to all of your readers contributing…
        So are you going to share if you celebrated 10 million hits over the weekend and how? Simply dying over here to find out.

  7. My narcissist was on meth. He would keep me awake, going on and on for days.
    This still haunts me.

    1. T

      I read on another article you have gone 2 years
      I wanted to tell congratulations and keep going, every day you go things get better. Your perspective and your health! What you have overcome is amazing and shows a strength you have. You have got this to, keep believing in yourself and coming here for support and knowledge HG offers.

      1. Love and hugs, Twilight!!! The last time I saw him was 2 years ago. The last time I spoke to him was 6 months ago.
        I’m currently do a lot of inner child work.
        Believe me, I’m grateful for everyone here. Reading HG’ s works is a daily reminder of what it was like.

    2. T – Oh my God! My lesser was also on meth, which is why I never realized he was also a narcissist. That is quite a fun combination, isn’t it? I feel for you. That is hell on earth. Mine would usually disappear when he was high, though. He’d usually be in a phase of “coming down” when he was with me. The few times I saw him high were actually wonderful because he seemed so nice, chatty and cheerful. I was just a clueless, sheltered kid at the time (18-20 years old) so it took me forever to realize he was a meth addict. So much fun… You have survived. You can survive anything after that.

    3. T , MY HUSBAND OF45YEARS 1STCLASS CEREBRAL NARCISSIST WOULD START ARGUMENTS AT MEALTIME UNTIL MY TEARS POURED INTO MY PLATE &THEN GIVE ME THE F***IMG SILENT TREATMENT ALL DAY&NIGHT , I WORSHIPPED,, ADORED HIM (WHY NOT )HE SAVED ME FROM MY NARCISSIST FATHER HOME, HA HA (NOW I KNOW )😘😥😄!

      1. Sharon, I’m sorry for that happening. Know you’re not alone in this.

      2. 45 years?!?! You are titanium. Damn. My Greater loved to bring the storm cloud in at the dinner table too. He didn’t make me actually cry a lot, though, unless my cooking sucked (I consequently learned to cook pretty well). And I was only with him 8 years.

        We’d just sit down to dinner on a perfectly pleasant night, and I swear he’d think to himself, “Oh hold on. I need to grab a napkin and my storm cloud. Can’t have dinner without the storm cloud.” He wouldn’t even have to say anything. Then the way he would break the silence… saying such nice innocent sounding things in such a softly rumbling, menacing voice. Sometimes when he was quiet for too long, I’d get nervous and say “Are you okay?” And he’d pause and look at me with this piercing blank stare, “Yes… Why? Are YOU okay?” Ummm… yeah… I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Lol. He never yelled or lifted a finger at me, so I could never figure out why I was scared to death of him. Now I get it.

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