Eyes Wide Shut
Will you ever recognise me as I walk towards you, rictus grin fixed across my face, eyes ablaze with love, passion and desire? Will you notice the way I keep you in my sights as my charm flows over you, seeping into your every pore and orifice? Will you take heed of the sugar-coated words as they spill from my mouth, telling you so remarkably all the things that you want to hear? Will you take note of the phrases which have been recycled again and again and possess the novelty of a cliché? Will you look deep into my eyes and see past your reflection or will you remain transfixed by what shines in these dulled, dark eyes? Will you question how is it that I know so much about you, where you live, where you work, your hobbies and your hates? Will you feel the chill down your spine as I appear once again without warning at a location you frequent or will you regard it as the tingling sensation of excitement and the thrill of my alluring personality? Will you question the platitudes that I issue, like confetti sprinkled on the breeze or will you smile and nod and savour the warmth that rises within you as I tell you how wonderful you are and that we belong together? Will you frown at my declaration of love within a day and a night and a day of meeting you or will you accept and swallow those carefully crafted words without a moment’s consideration? Will you wonder how my hands and mouth became so skilled or will you submit to their heady application and give breathless thanks that they are laid upon you? Will you query how this golden light continues to shine and wonder why you were chosen above all the others? Will you see through the veneer of scathing hatred for those who have gone before you or will you become co-conspirator and sneer at her or at him, disgusted by their lack of dignity in the way that they behave? Will you not ask yourself whether their words ring with truth and why they look as if their very essence has been sucked from them, leaving naught but a fractured shell? Will you wonder why the gifts keep on coming? Will you question the forbidden fruits that have been laid before you or will you gorge on them, delirious with desire and elated by the ecstasy of our largesse?
Will you recognise me when I turn my face from you when you try to kiss me? Will you know what is happening when you are left in a tearful heap on the floor for the third time in a week or will you flagellate yourself for your shortcomings? Will you notice as the triangles are weaved around you and your best friend becomes your supposed enemy, but by whose say so? Will you fight back against the control that is exerted on the way you look, what you choose to do and who you interact with or will you accept it and allow your sense of self to evaporate? Will you understand what is happening to you as you crawl alone into that ice-cold bed, this once haven of sexual congress that now lies like an empty tomb ? Will you realise what is going on as you blink back tears as the clock shows 3am and you have no idea where I am? Will you stand up for yourself when you are labelled whore, slattern, idiot and fool or will you bow your head and retreat, thankful that your injuries are only verbal. This time. Will you remember what you once were ? Will you remain bound by the chains of confusion or will you break them across your knee and free yourself from your cruel bondage?
Will you recognise me as my hand grips your throat and my bile-infused words rain down on you, spittle flecked hatred peppering your face? Will you dial my number for the fiftieth time in two hours as you desperately try to hear my voice and ask me, beg me, plead for me to come home? Will you wince as another dinner set falls prey to my savage fury ? Will you kneel and pick up the pieces, fingers shaking as you fumble for the broken shards that lie scattered across the floor? Will you know what is being systematically done to you each and every day or will you obscure the reality by praying for that golden light to come back and dispel the darkness? Will you recognise me for what I truly am or will you make yet another excuse, wondering what will happen when you run dry of the excuses and hastily constructed explanations for my reign of terror?
Will you recognise me as I cast you aside, shoved into the dirt and sneered at? Will you look up from the smouldering ruins of what we once had and see her (or is it you?) looking back at you with disdain writ large across her made-up features? She seems so familiar, do you know her, there is such a fog now and it clouds so much. Will you understand why you have been forgotten about as your numbed fingers compose another searching e-mail, asking for explanations that will not come, expressing tearful anger that will be smiled at, detailing your abject hurt which will only ever receive a dismissive shrug?
Will you recognise me for what I am when I reach out a hand and lift you from your broken existence? Will you know what truly is going to happen as I lead you once more towards the brilliant, burning golden light? Will you feel the prick of caution in your mind or will you gladly race towards the promised land once again, concern and hesitation thrown to one side? Will you notice the rictus grin once again as you race ahead of me? Will you pay attention to the darkened glint in my baleful gaze or will you charge headlong towards the paradise, addicted to its warmth and glorious sensations? Will you recognise me as I close the door behind us, bolt it and turn the heavy iron key in the lock as the thick drapes are pulled across the dirt-smeared windows? Will you notice the sharpened dagger that I have produced and hold behind my back?
Will you stop and glance in the shattered mirror that dominates this place and if you do, will you recognise yourself?
16 thoughts on “Eyes Wide Shut”
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I noticed at my last date that I’ve not only gotten a lot better in recognizing the red flags, but that I also don’t react to them anymore, I don’t get involved. A few years ago, I would have reacted endlessly, thrown myself into it all, trying to understand, to make everything alright, etc.
I also don’t take personally anymore, whatever the narc says in his provocations and manipulations, while I see them as such.
I know now why he is and does as he is, and that it’s not because of me.
I also see now the mirroring ….
I almost felt sorry for my date. …. no, not really, as he didn’t care about me.
Amazing work HG
HG, congrats on reaching 10,000!!!
10m! Yaaay! Congratulations on this wonderful recognition of your merits Mr Tudor . Thank you for all the hard work you put in.Well done !
Thank you ABW.
Hybristophilia is not my thing, I don’t desire to love men who hurt others, at all, not even via the evo-psych theory of ‘dominance being associated with protection’ due to ancient social hierarchies or the warrior genes—I associate most men with threat more than strength. Is ‘dominance’ really the same on the outside as it is on the inside, anyway? Sex can make the boundaries between danger and security ambiguous, but I know the difference between a good and bad person from the get-go. Betraying others, especially the vulnerable, is something I won’t ever do. I didn’t do it under duress, even when it happened to me. But I know I have ‘trauma-bonding’ issues that can be triggered and are hard to stop once set in motion.
Despite going to hell and back (as you do), I’m still in runner for final girl. I’m not taking their place in hell that’s for sure.
*the abuser’s place, that is. That is what this is all about: sacrificing people to their own superego of doom, by giving victims the shame and self-loathing the abuser is fighting against within themselves. Albeit subconsciously, because even though toxic narcissists are affected by these self-destructive impulses, they’re also deflecting and denying automatically (shit is so deeply buried and festering). Fuel is all about feeding that monster, they’re stuck in a feedback loop. Exhilarating and disgusting.
Most people are more in touch with their feelings than this, so they wouldn’t need those behaviours, they’re motivated by other, more varied needs. I suppose this is why narcs feel they’re such streamline, singular beasts. But, no, not really, it’s cyclical and regressive, not progressive. I get that, Ok, collateral damage doesn’t matter to them, but this isn’t a quality life from my pov. If you’re not living in reality, aren’t you just kind of dead? Perhaps, spiritually dead.
It’s also just extremely difficult to imagine someone really having the intent to hurt you, if you lack low self-esteem yourself. Ironically, our deeper self-esteem (- but which we tend to doubt through the susceptibility of our vulnerability to shame), makes us more vulnerable to the power-games coming from their hardened, superficial, shame-deflecting grandiosity, which we – and they, might mistake for self-esteem – but it’s hostility. Superiority is disdain. But it’s a layered mask, because the true source of the hate, is the self.
As the movie quote says, “When tough men feel insecure, they get tougher”
I mean, if you actually have self-esteem, hurting someone else would feel disgusting. Like kicking a puppy (in so many ways). My ego doesn’t need to do that to feel ‘alive’ – it’s not a source of power for me, and i would feel worse, not better, about myself.
But then i have to question – why do i need ‘a monster’?
Narcy triggered me to go into a negative emotional trip, which i was desperate to resolve. I didn’t feel better though, when i got the power position. So i kept giving it up.
If he is ‘a jailer’ type of abuser, then he just had a reactive instinct to ‘lock up’ by demoralising something he knew he could have. The jailer definately isn’t your cellmate, you’re on your own in there, kept by frustrated and wounded emotional needs.
I need a lot of structure for my emotional nature, but not the unending doom and gloom kind.
It’s true that lessers give no respite, it’s full-on aggression, all the time. One crack in the mirror and the whole thing is ruined for them. But that helped me to keep physical distance at least.
I should probably stop visiting the narc’s prison. It’s easier to solve someone else’s riddle than your own.
Are you making offerings to the Ancient Ones?
The author asks a lot of questions in this writing – lol. Answer to all Q’s: Yes
One of my favourite.
Wow, over 10 (ten) million hits! Congratulations, HG.
Thank you EB
“Will you stop and glance in the shattered mirror that dominates this place and if you do, will you recognise yourself, HG?
I really like this article, and the way it moves through the stages of ensnarement with a narcissist. Akin to the overload article, it represents the high’s and low’s of the rollercoaster ride. Appropriately questioning the person, what is it that they see and what is it that they believe in relation to this. Will they allow the narcissist to take them to the very bitter end of the ride ? or will they jump off, get themselves up from the dust, brush the dust off and walk away?
What I have is hope-
Hope that I can see
Hope that I can recognise
Hope that I can evaluate and balance what I see and feel with evidence / logic.
Hope that my strength comes to me when I need it most, I know it’s there.
Hope that I can Be resilient
Hope that I can make effective choices and decisions.
Hope that the belief I now have in myself proves to be as much as I feel, if not more, as I walk away.
I have one remaining fear, that I know there is a part of me that may always be open to, and possibly seek a narcissist. Now that one has found me, and has changed me. Now that one has exposed dark parts of me that I need to reintegrate. Now that I know this ride, well at least a part of it.
I wonder if I will volunteer myself to a narcissist? I know that there Is a part of me with the capacity to do so…
I know and like that I am fallible, I know that this has helped me to learn, but I wonder if the next time I learn, I also lose more then what is tolerable.
What I have is hope
Hope that the rest of me is stronger!
Wow. You’ve really outdone yourself HG. This is beautifully written. Horrific, but beautiful.
Thank you.