You were the brightest and darkest time of my life. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Yes I know this is from Dickens.
This makes me laugh now. I believed we were on an adventure; on an unknown path. I laugh at how ordinary and predictable it all was. A forgone conclusion. Nothing I did or said or believed would have changed my outcome. One lie, promise, and other woman at a time I spent 13 years in the maze.
In the last year I’ve finally realized the ways you live; all the things I knew about you could be be brought together to define what you ARE. The thoughts you had and systems you deployed are no longer spokes of a wheel with no axle. You are not unique; we weren’t the one in a thousand. Now I have axles and the story hangs together.
As I read about your kind I am overwhelmed with memories of all the things I said. The hilarious insightful quotes I thought I was offering you… Gifts of insight for you. I said them out loud. You were in the room. I remember. But now I know I was telling myself. I ALWAYS KNEW you weren’t just quirky or misunderstood. I just didn’t know what the reams of information meant. But I know now… Below are just a few of the truths spoken during those long years.
Oh my god, were you the genetic wastebasket for your entire family.
You have the longest learning curve of anyone I’ve ever met.
I really want the fake Rich today. Can you please pretend you’re the person you were when we met?
You know how fucked up you are. That’s why you pretend to be someone decent in the beginning.
The only time you know I’m in the room is when I’m sitting on your dick.
Why am I the only person you can say no to?
I think you have a call. I heard precious ring.
I wish you treated me as well as your cell phone.
You try to act like your some big sugar daddy. What no one else realizes is you’re really a Splenda daddy.
I know how to get what I want from you. Ask for the opposite… Then I am guaranteed delivery.
Is this Dicky time or real people time?
You do realize when you say “I’m working on it” I know you really mean “it will never happen as long as I live and then I have clarified in my will that you will not have it after I am gone”?
Uh, I know how incredible you think you are but if I could wake up tomorrow and be you I wouldn’t.
Your always promising to do and get things. I know you will never get a (insert any item) hot tub. If you actually get the hot tub I will blow you while you are drinking a beer and watching sports. Yeah, never had to keep that promise did I?
Wow, how can you stand being surrounded by morons, mere humans all the time? You are brilliant… we are dim. Why not end the pain and put yourself down? They shoot horses don’t they?
Wait a minute. Is that Dicky speak or are you using a language I know?
Your world is an alternate universe. I call it DickyLand. Its a place where I pay to get on rides that make me want to throw up afterwards.
So you’re saying I should ask you about cheating when you aren’t so busy?
I get to fight with you about cheating on me the same amount of time it took you to convince her to sleep with you.
She referred a big job 6 years ago? How many years of sex do you owe her for the referral?
For someone who lies as much as you, I thought you’d be much better at it.
Hey 007 you don’t actually have pens that shoot bullets and you aren’t having sex with women in every European capital.
I assumed if she can give you a hand job on company time she can take my phone call on company time.
Its not as though you’re a picnic on the lawn every day. The blue birds of happiness don’t circle and wrap me in gauze when you walk in the room.
You are so high maintenance I will need to make an instructional video for the next whore du juor.
1st secret trip – why would I call your family to find out where you were? Why would I advertise to them how little respect you have for me? I can tell you, honestly, I hope it was the most exciting trip you’ve ever had. I hope you were laid by scores of beautiful women. I truly hope the secret was worth the relationship you lost.
2nd secret trip – wow thanks for the 10 hour notice. On second thought I WILL drive you to the airport for your trip to Ireland. I want to make you as miserable as I can make you for as long as possible before you leave.
Today any space up to 12 inches from my person is a no crap zone.
Why are you willing to spend $250 on a bra but won’t spend $20 on jeans for me?
I know you slept with her because there are only 2 things you would drive 2 hours to get. One of those things is money.
Yeah…. I’m still invested in being pissed off at you. Try your fake apology later.
You are disgusted because I am soft-hearted and kind? YOU, more than anyone, depend on that kindness.
I KNOW you were flirting with her. The only time you listen to anything a woman has to say is when you are trying to get her into bed.
You have never once said you were wrong. Averages would suggest I was right at least once in the past 13 years.
All you think about is what you don’t have.
Why do you ask me what I want to do? We both know you only pretend to consider it. In reality you already planned the weekend. Just tell me where you’re going and I will decide if I want to go.
Why is it officially sleeping when and only when you wake up in the recliner and go to bed.
One day, as you shuffle down the hall of your assisted living facility with your colostomy bag and portable IV you will remember me.
This is the best breakup you’ve ever had. Don’t fuck it up.