Lovesex Addiction


In many instances there is often the lament following discard (and even escape) that although your experience with our kind was horrendous beyond measure the sex was out of this world. You miss the sex to an incredible degree. The sex was mind-blowing, intense, hugely satisfying and unlike anything else you have known. Now I know this is not always the case, there are some of our kind who are not interested in sex and some who are useless at it and in those instances you have more than likely been ensnared by a Victim Narcissist. That is not the topic of discussion today. Today we focus on those of our kind who are the sexual Olympian who thrilled and delighted you between the sheets (and plenty of other places too). One of the reasons our kind uses sex as a weapon is because of the addictive quality that we create around the sexual experience you have with us. Why is sex with us so addictive? There are actually several reasons, but the one I wish to focus on today is the concept of LoveSex. This is the link between Love and Sex.

We do not dissuade you from making such a link. In fact we positively encourage you to do this. The way that we seduce you and the way that we love bomb you is designed to inject love into sex so that they effectively become indistinguishable from one another. We are fully aware that irrespective of how self-sufficient you may like to think that you are, how independently you might lead your life, you still have that desire for the white knight. Again, this relates to the way that you have been conditioned by society to regard love and romance. We know about this and exploit this. An honest examination of your thoughts and feelings will result in your admitting that at least on one occasion you have wanted that dashing knight to come riding in on his charger, sweep you in his arms and then take you through to the bedroom where he makes tender and delicious love to you. You have been conditioned to expect to be treated like a princess and we do this when we place you on that pedestal during our love bombing of you. Sex is no different. You want to be taken care of in the bedroom, loved and made to feel special. By providing all of this when we have sex with you then we are blurring the lines between sex and love, binding the two together. Since we are so magnificent in our delivery of delicious and rewarding sex then this entwined sex and love causes you to feel a very special kind of love, better than anything else you have experienced before. We apply all of the loving techniques when we have sex with you. The tender, romantic, slow and caring way we caress and hold you before easing into you all accords with this almost dream-like perception of how sex should be. We do however go further than this traditional model of the handsome prince making sweet, delicate love to his beautiful princess. When we suddenly take you from behind, hitch up your skirt and bend you over a worktop or the back of the settee and have vigorous sex with you we will look to ensure that this type of sex is entwined with love. How do we do this? With words of course. Words come easily to us and are cheap to use. So as we are hammering away and you are admittedly enjoying this spontaneous and energetic sex we will be telling you things such as:-

“I just had to have you. You were stood there and I was overwhelmed with love for you.”

“I love you so much I needed to have you there and then.”

“You do something to me that makes me almost lose control. That is how much I love you.”

“I am so in love with you I just needed to be inside you.”

“You make me crazy in love, I cannot help myself.”

We reinforce this urgent sex with being linked to just how powerful and amazing our love is. The sex itself feels fantastic and when you hear those magical words being said to you from behind the two are melded together. The sex could not be regarded as romantic but that does not matter. Such rampant desire for you to be taken in this manner can only be a symptom of our love for you. This reinforcement will happen over and over again. From the obvious slow, tender love-making through to the quick knee-trembler on a table through to you fellating us in a parked car, we will cause you to associate all of these sexual acts as being manifestations of our truly remarkable love. Eventually, the word sex becomes eroded and every time we do something which is sexual in nature it is seen as love. Everything we do together in the sexual arena is born of love, is because of love and is a manifestation of love.

You are unable to resist this blurring of the boundaries between love and sex. You are not able to prevent sex actually subsuming the notion of love and cloaking itself in the name of love. This lack of resistance happens for two reasons. Firstly, the nature of our sexual couplings with you is so intense and enjoyable you want them and you want them repeatedly. Secondly, aside from the use of sex as a weapon, during the seduction stage you are being love bombed on lots of different fronts. We are saying beautiful things to you, writing you poems and love letters, buying you gifts, taking you to special places, looking after you when you feel ill, introducing you to our friends and so on. This onslaught of loving behaviour magnifies what we are doing on the sexual side. You are surrounded by loving behaviour so that it permeates into everything that we do with you, including sex. Accordingly, over time sex and love become bound up together. The great sex we provide to you translates as the marvellous love that we have for you. Sex is love, love is sex and it feels amazing causing you to become addicted to the sensation. We create lovesex and it is a powerful way of creating an addiction in you.

Listen to ‘LoveSex Addiction’

101 thoughts on “Lovesex Addiction

  1. Tonya says:


    I looked more into your site and I see more about what your talking about as far as BDSM and such things. I am not familiar with any of it really. But I think it would be cool to tell you a few things and ask you what you think about them. I realize this BDSM life style is just all about role playing and such….I will not say I quite understand all of it or have ever experienced it really or even people who participate in it that I know of. I do wonder though have you ever worried that you could come across a psychopath like Bundy? Or some others? Maybe I’m reaching a bit here….I guess it all has to do with drawing a line between our fantasies and actually doing it. My confusion enters in when I know rape true rape is non consensual and that very fact is what gives the man power that he is craving… how can a man get off by consentually raping a woman when the very definition of rape is non consent in fact it is the very thing that gets them off. Sorry I’m not trying to attack you in any way I mean no harm. I have always wondered these things. There are men who really get off and like to beat women to a bloody pulp….rape them and sometimes strangle them to death. Have you ever feared that in this lifestyle you could come across a real one and not a pretender? I too was abused as a child…I was molested and mind screwed….betrayed and abandoned and neglected and abused. I’ve had it so I come from real life experience here like yourself….so don’t think I’m judging you I’m truly just curious if you have ever feared a real life psychopath with no conscience who doesn’t mind taking a life.? I also took criminal justice for years and I guess that’s another reason I think like this. I studied serial killers and murders and crime scenes and characteristics…..I’ve actually read and studied a lot on serial killers I’m not sure why but yeah anyways was just wondering what we’re your thoughts on that. A lot of
    Psychopathic serial killers have almost all of them have said they first fantasized about killing long before they actually did it….I mean there is a big difference between fantasizing something and then doing it….I do believe the true predators the one story who rape and kill….I’m thinking I wouldn’t ever want to be with a man who fantasized about beating or raping or killing or who fantasized about being a serial killer…yet there are tons of women who date these men in prison….even Ted Bundy got him a wifey behind bars. What the hell was she on? Anyways I’ll stop now….penny for your thoughts 😊

  2. Caroline says:

    Hi Tonya, (re: post 4th Aug)
    Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.
    They must have been difficult, painful and confusing.

    Couple of things resonated with me:
    I found myself numb for nine days after ex-N & I met, and he held me. I was struggling with PTSD and felt like a wooden statue in his arms. It took nine days for my emotions to process that and I suddenly realised he’s made me feel safe, and I was flooded with endorphins. It was a strange experience.
    Unfortunately, that ‘making me feel safe’ behaviour was generated by the fake persona and didn’t last long.

    The experience you had with your N acting weird and becoming a stranger resonates with me.
    I was alone with same ex-N in his house, and firstly there was the person I recognised, who said he cared about me.
    Then he morphed into the merciless ice-cold one who I thought would kill me, but raped me (who got off on my terror).
    Then he morphed into the man who went into the kitchen and I heard him muttering to himself (going over his script?), and then he stood like an actor on a stage; he put on the persona of another man rubbing his neck and saying “oh, I didn’t mean that to happen, our passion was so strong…(lies)”. Blahblahblah

    I’d never seen that man before. The man I knew had a lightning quick mind and was decisive and controlling. EVERYTHING was planned by him.
    He was already rolling out his PR script and stage managing the scene .
    I couldn’t process any of it.
    I didn’t know whether I was going to get out of there alive. I sat very still and just looked at him, stunned.
    I knew it was all such an act. B-grade acting.

    Next he morphed into the persona of a young teenage boy with gleaming smug eyes, looking as though he was so pleased to have gotten away with it.
    He looked high.
    He sat beside me, leaning forward, looking at me out of the corner of his eye.
    I was frowning in distress.

    It was the weirdest experience of my life, and terrifying to be there with an unrecognisable man/person.

    Then after a few minutes he morphed into the icey-eyed hurtful person I recognised,. The gleam was gone, the eyes dark.
    That man shortly afterwards held his front door open, like I was dismissed, like I was an unpaid prostitute, and he let me stumble out into the dark and walk home alone.
    I couldn’t process any of it until two days later.

    So fighting the urge to vomit right now.

    1. Renarde says:

      That…. sounds very creepy indeed.

      Sorry you had to expereince that.

    2. Tonya says:


      Thank you for your reply and yes it all sounds familiar huh. They are so hard to figure out…I have spent countless times of thought trying to figure him out…I came up with all kinds of theories but the bottom line is we are not in their minds and we can’t possibly understand no matter how hard we try. Confusion is the only thing we have with them. Fear is also something we have because we fear that which we cannot understand. It was hard and 4 almost 5 years later I still don’t quite understand. He’s still in my dreams sometimes and fantasies but it’s getting less and less now and my emotions I had for him have dulled and lessened quite a bit. However if he showed up in person to me or somehow contacted me I have no idea if all of those emotions and his hold on me would come rushing back like a sunami or not. I hope I never have to find out. However I do know over time things have faded and time is a helpful thing to lessen strong connections and emotions. I was once married and it didn’t last long and I would say about 2 years…..and I was devastated over the divorce from my ex husband a non narcissist and I mourned over him for like 3 years and didn’t date for 7 years or have sex or get into a relationship all of which I did on purpose because I was so hurt but now when I see him or we have to text because of our son who is now 16 I have absolutely no emotions towards him and I would never return to him… whole point of telling that story is to show how it took me so long to get over him and I mourned so long but there is nothing in this world he could do to ever get me back. That being said I don’t hate him or anything ….I just no longer have those old feelings or wounds they are healed and gone. But when I met the greater N 7 years after my divorce and finally opened myself up again…..he was a completely new ball game all together. And that guy even though we never married or lived together and weren’t together long his hold on me was much greater in ways I will never understand. Not sure if I will ever get to that place with him in my heart that I got to with my ex husband but I sure hope so. Because once you get to the place I’m at now with my ex husband a non narcissist there is absolutely no reminence of anything or love for him at all! Again I do not hate him I just have nothing left in my heart for him but to just care about him as a person whom I have a child with. That’s it. Sorry so long.

      1. Caroline says:

        Thanks for explaining so well Tonya, and taking time to do it. I appreciate it.
        You’re the first person I’ve described my ex-N’s personality change to (except the police and as it was coming out of my mouth I was thinking ‘this sounds crazy. It’s difficult to describe, isn’t it?).
        I don’t know anyone else who’d understand, unless they’d experienced it themselves.
        I’m always going to wonder about it, but don’t suppose I’ll ever know now. Even if we did talk I don’t know whether I’d get the truth.

        It’s so very interesting to read your experience with N, and non-N husband, dating and the grief/resolution process after that. It’s endlessly fascinating.
        It’s interesting to observe ourselves and the women we become on the other side of these experiences.
        Thanks again for sharing.

  3. Caroline says:

    Catherine Parr R
    I found your post interesting.
    It irritates me when men say things about women, showing their expectations that women should behave like actors in porn. They have NO idea how many women are affected by sexual abuse in childhood, and assaulted as young women. PTSD can make the pleasure centres of the brain go offline from fear.
    The N’s comments to you show he has no idea of the complexity of the female heart/mind/body.
    Glad you escaped him.

  4. Tonya says:

    Oddly with the Greater or mid ranger not sure which one my encountered narcissist was….the sex wasn’t all that great. Of course I told him it was but it really wasn’t. When he kissed me it was like I felt nothing…my lips felt numb…when he did other things same the part was like as if numb. No feeling. I’ve actually not experienced that with anyone. But none of that stopped me from being absolutely crazy over him and addicted to him. None of it was physical….so I know sex was not what bonded me to him. I was already bonded before the sex and the let down didn’t touch the bond. His hold on me was much deeper…it actually had nothing to do with sex. There was no lust from me for him. Absolutely no lust at all. Not in person. I have had lust before so I know what it is and when I’m feeling it but with him none! Yet it has still taken me 4 years and he is still in the back of my mind and occasionally in my dreams. When I did fantasize about him after my discard or escape not sure which one it’s was….my fantasies consisted of holding him and him holding me and kissing me gently and petting me. Lol those were my fantasies about him. Just getting affection from him. I’ve never been that way before about anybody it was usually lustful thoughts of them or sensual thinking and fantasies but not with him. But that’s ok he had plenty of sadistic sexual fantasies to make up for my lack of. I don’t like sadistic ideas or fantasies being had about me from someone claiming to love me. I wanted his love! Not his penis! Although both would have been nice. Anyways stopping now.

    1. windstorm says:

      Mine wasn’t very good at sex either. I only had any enjoyment in the very beginning before I realized he would use anything he knew I enjoyed against me. I think they have to have some somatic in them to be in good at sex. Plus we got engaged not long after he turned 17. I don’t think he’d had long enough to gain any profiency. And after we were engaged, there was no point for him to improve.

      1. Tonya says:


        Well I’m not sure if it was that he wasn’t good at it as much as I went numb with him like sensation wise. Well yeah I think it was a bit of both. Very mechanical and hard to explain really. I wondered what he thought about the sex…like did he notice or was it good to him? It’s as if I were with a robot…he really didn’t seem to like physical affection…only in his words and speaking and such was he affectionate but it never translated to physical. If only he could have been in bed the way he was with his words and conversation then I would have been 100% satisfied! The same for the chemistry it was there mentally but never translated to sexually for me for some reason. His touch did absolutely nothing for me. So odd.

        1. windstorm says:

          I thought about you saying yours held you and said loving things. Mine wouldn’t even hold hands with me, even when we were dating. He hated to be touched. He probably couldn’t say something loving if his life depended on it. He’d break out laughing!

          He’s better now that he’s old and we live in separate counties. He’ll let me hold his arm when we walk together and even give me a sideways half hug when I leave. Ha, ha! That’s probably as much physical affection as he’s capable of showing! But I know I am still both an important part of his facade and an important fuel source and that’s really as much as I ever could realistically expect.

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Beware. He may try cashing in those sideways hugs for a diaper change at some point in the distant future. You know them-always thinking (about themselves) lol.

          2. windstorm says:

            Already seen that in the cards! That’s why I don’t curb my self destructive behavior. I don’t plan to live that long. I know I’ve told you our sons’ solution to elderly parents? They say they’re going to pool their money and build a duplex. Then put me in one end and their dad in the other and have us take care of each other. Whenever they think I’m running thru my savings too quickly they say, “Duplex with Dad, Mom. Duplex with Dad.” I’m pinning my hopes on a massive coronary when I’m out by myself far from a hospital. 😉

  5. Caroline says:

    Renarde, such delicious memories!

    I still feel sad that there was nothing going on in their eyes, especially the last one. From the first time we kissed I wanted to see that I’d given him the same endorphin rush that he was giving me (I could hardly stand up or speak). It turns me on even more having that power.
    I wanted to turn on his heart and mind, not just his body. It made me feel strangely alone, and irritated. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t falling in love with me.
    He tried looking into my eyes, but he just couldn’t fake that part.

    1. Missy says:

      Caroline, I hope you realize now there was nothing you could have said or done to turn on his heart or mind. I am convinced they are incapable of feeling the same in terms of intimacy as we define it. Also I tried making him look at me during sex and it was too raw for him and he said stop looking at me. Then he started only taking me from behind, so he could avoid looking at my face. He claimed it was his favorite position. All lies. As an empath, we feel the pain in their soul and it’s counterintuitive to ignore that and not give give give. I too felt such sorrow that he couldn’t feel, but it’s not our job to help them see the light. I have now learned the trick is to continue to cultivate our empathic nature while maintaining healthy barriers. Very difficult to do, and a constant battle for me. I still distrust all men and am in solitary until I sort it out. Sending you love and light.

      1. windstorm says:

        “As an empath, we feel the pain in their soul and it’s counterintuitive to ignore that and not give give give.”

        I agree. But for me the turning point is when we feel them deliberately being hurtful and realize that they are making conscious choices to hurt us and just do not care.

      2. Caroline says:

        Thanks for the reply Missy.
        It’s so good to spend time with others who understand.
        So many things to chat about…
        I’d love to have everyone on this post over today for afternoon tea, to discuss at length their impressions and insights. (I make great scones, and load them with butter and fresh cream).

        I love discussing life and human behaviour, love and sex. Narcissism and abuse adds such deeper dimensions to those discussions. I value the perspective, insight and wisdom that i gain from others’ lives.
        It’s so good to know we aren’t walking alone.
        I also love discussing personal growth with others, and being inspired by their resilience.

        Missy, did you have a narc/abuse dynamic growing up?
        Feeling emotionally disconnected hits a familiar nerve for me. I was amazed how I responded to ex-N’s moods, like a duck to water.

        I’ve realised recently that it’s not my responsibility to make the relationship work. With many narcs in my life, my empath radar has quickly picked up on the fact that the responsibility is being pushed onto me. Either that or complete compliance. Actually both.
        We do indeed give and give, and want to soothe hurting hearts.
        I don’t think we can articulate all the things our highly sensitive antennae pick up.

        Over the last few years I’ve been researching my family tree, and the narc dynamic is a well-worn groove that goes back til at least 1066. I’m so glad to be alive now, with so much to read , to get perspective and some inner strength. There was little chance of help for previous generations. Domestic violence shelters are a recent installation in society, aren’t they? Recognising rape in marriage is very recent too.

        It’s a strange thing that in my list of attractive qualities for a man, there never has been: cheating, sleazy, cruel, lying, emotionally lazy, cheapskate, unreliable, deliberately hurtful, belittling, disrespectful, lacking integrity.
        I would never give a man like this a moment of my time, let alone let him hold me close. Ugh! He’d never get one of my kisses (where’s my bleach ?).

        They have us totally under false pretenses, don’t they?

        Now Lovely, have you thought of accessing sexual assault counselling? Have you thought about making a statement to the police?
        Please do.
        I did in April.

        1. Renarde says:

          Now THAT is an intriguing concept. That we create an event where we all meet up and natter. I’d be well up for that!

      3. Tonya says:

        Yeah I don’t get the problem they have with us looking in their eyes. When I first met him he starred at me very intensely so much so that I had to look down because I couldn’t take it….like he was starring into my soul but during sex…..eyes closed or yeah the no seeing position. Once after we had intimacy I was laying with him and I was leaning into his chest and looking up into his eyes and he sat there for a minute with a look on his face and said….what Tonya do you want us to set and stare into each other’s eyes all night!
        I was like wth? I will say that another time when we were laying together I did look into his eyes intensely face to face laying half on him and we were face to face and I sware he could not let me do that he looked like a deer caught in the headlights afraid of what I was going to see. I will say what I saw was not a happy person but I truly cannot describe what I was seeing but it was not good….I thought I saw a lot of pain in those green eyes a lot of exhaustion and no peace. Then I broke away just began weeping and got tears all over his chest and arm and he just laid there listening to me taking it all in and he looked like he was in a trance. Like far away as I cried and held on to him. Then suddenly he looked at me as if he had just snapped out of it and looked all intense and grabbed me and started trying to have sex with me again and giving orders and I told him NO! And then he looked even more far off and in a stunned way and pouted like for a whole hour looking off into space not saying a word to me even after we got up and got dressed I went to go smoke with him because he smoked and I wanted a cigarette after this and we sat smoking together and I rubbed his back and patted him like a child and he said nothin and I said you know you are so cute right now when you are acting like this. He just looked at me and said nothing. We went back upstairs and he went to sleep he wanted me to lay beside him really close but after he fell asleep I just moved to Other side of the bed with my back to him and couldn’t sleep. Weird!

    2. Renarde says:

      Thank you!

  6. alexissmith2016 says:

    Missy raises a good point. HG do you ever think about getting STIs? If you suspect your sleeping with someone who may be the type to have one would you insist on wearing a condom? Or would you just go ahead without one anyway and presume you wouldn’t catch it?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      As a devout follower of Depeche Mode I am always able to shake the disease.

      1. alexissmith2016 says:

        Is that Because they’re too busy enjoying the silence and don’t engage in any sexual activity with you?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ha ha. No, they are shocked and awed by the strange love.

          1. Hahahahaha you always top me!

    2. Clarece says:

      His trick? Listerine.

      1. Good one Clarece! So perhaps a strong minty smell should also serve as a black flag!

      2. windstorm says:

        Ha, ha! I remember how shocked and horrified I was when he said that!

        1. Clarece says:

          Me too WS! I couldn’t look at Listerine in the store for well over a year without shuddering…

    3. /iroll says:

      I’m amazed I didn’t get STIs, I was also clear for HPV. Narcy was using condoms with others but not me, he’d leave them out for me to find. I didn’t care about that—I was just scared of getting STIs/cancer/pregnant.

      1. Missy says:

        My tubes were tied so no danger there. He said it turned him on even more. He only went after married women who couldn’t get pregnant. He said it was easier that way, that there was no danger of being exposed since both had so much to lose. It was a great way to maintain control and obedience. I shudder at the thought of how many partners I was indirectly sleeping with. So gross.

      2. /iroll says:

        Missy, seems like he had a plan! Mine had tactics for sure. Not sure if he was that conscious or organised. Just got lucky with me.

  7. Missy says:

    The sex WAS amazing. But you know what wasn’t? All of the STIs, going to my doctor every few months with yet another inexplicable “funk.” The humiliation of being tested for all of the skanky diseases, and then finally the absolutely horribly unthinkable – he gave me herpes. A disease FOR LIFE. My doctor never thought to test me because why would someone like me get that? I’m in my forties, I’m an attorney. I have my act together, supposedly. He denied having it but I was never with anyone else. I’m so disgusted by this and feel like I am ruined now. Nobody will ever want me again and I hate him to the core. But sure the sex was amazing. Who cares. Do not end up like me. It is a constant reminder of his filth.

    1. Caroline says:

      Oh Missy, I feel your pain. I have the three month all-clear but I still feel polluted.
      It’s impossible to take good care of yourself when they lie without conscience. He would have been power-tripping being able to con such a smart girl as you.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Well theres a thought for those who wonder if or why they should give up the great sex. Most likely wont because their addiction to the sex will reduce the risk of that happening in their minds to allow it to continue. It will never happen to them thinking. Commendable for you to come forward to share your experience. To give pause to those who only question the moral aspect of multiple and risky partners (a given with narcs) and not the real physical consequences of the thrill of sexual roulette, and landing them in your position. Thats an ever-presence hard to eradicate. Im sorry that happened to you and no, you are not ruined for life and its not true that no one will ever want you.

      1. Missy says:

        The mind blowing sex was intoxicating. But I hope that by coming forward with the physical consequences of as you so eloquently stated, sexual roulette, has given at least one person the strength to finally break free.

    3. Iko Flugel says:

      Oh, Sweetie!
      I noticed all narcissists INSIST to have unprotected sex. Mine too. Why?
      OK, I admit making it raw feels far more intimate. But it’s so dangerous!
      There is a subtle detail no one talks about: When the female allows the male to penetrate her too early in the time line of the relationship (“to early” means BEFORE he truly commits) she becomes vulnerable. Hiroshima Style Love Bombing mimics the commitment.
      Thus she becomes chemically addicted (because of the dopamine/oxytocin induced euphoria) and he – disinterested.

      All of us noticed how he rushed the relationshiT into the sex-phase.

      There was a good reason centuries ago they waited months and even years BEFORE letting him in.

      1. Caroline says:

        Iko, well said. You’re gorgeous. I wish you’d been my sex ed teacher in high school.

      2. Missy says:

        I agree with the too early theory. We are a shiny penny, which quickly becomes tarnished after being conquered. We had sat across from each other for months before I finally let him inside. Now I understand he was still getting fuel from all of that, even though I hadn’t fully given in. He was definitely scouting the territory prior to making a Hiroshima style love bombing run.
        He also probably had others in waiting – I referred to them later as his harem. But once I gave him the exact coordinates to my soul, he was in. It was like a shot of cocaine. Three years later after countless STIs here I am. I thankfully have had only one outbreak but it is constantly lurking. The ultimate mind f#ck.

      3. Tonya says:

        Hiroshima style love bombing! Hahahahaha…!

    4. Clarece says:

      Missy, that “filth” is like a forever imprint it feels like they leave on you. It creates trauma bonding too because you begin working so hard to salvage what you think are the good parts of the relationship to outweigh this…what they deposited in your body and it turns into a lifelong affliction to deal with. To have had pristine sexual health until your 40’s, you think (naively) that it couldn’t happen to you.
      Add in the conditioning down with intermittent reinforcement, which yours mastered that jig to a tee, honestly, kudos to you for still functioning as well as you are which is a testament to your strength.
      I hope you continue to heal and keep your immune system strong. That is key and it will force you to put self care and self love first. I couldn’t imagine my state of mind with how low I crashed if this had been added in the mix.

      1. Missy says:

        The worst part is, I was married at the time and gave it to my husband. I’m so ashamed on multiple levels. I never thought I would be that girl, the homewrecker. Those women are selfish whores, right? Yet there I was. In love with two men, my mind a twisted mess.
        I never told the Narc about the std he gave me because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he indirectly infected my husband. He used to tell me his fantasy was to tie up my husband and make him watch while he drilled me. He is sick in the head. The empath in me wanted to inform the Narch he was a carrier but I was afraid he would use it against me in a smear campaign later. So I used an anonymous service to inform him and waited for a reaction. Nothing. Not only is he living in denial, he didn’t have the care to reach out to me afterwards. And of course, why would he? I was just an appliance and had already been replaced by one that wasn’t tarnished yet. But that lack of action spoke volumes. He probably had so many partners he couldn’t be certain who it came from. So he just did nothing. Coward.

    5. DebbieWolf says:

      Omg Missy.. so sorry to hear what he did. what an evil swine !! forgive me but it’s true.
      I cannot begin to imagine how horrible you must feel. There are no words are there.
      I feel utter disgust toward him doing that to you. Omg..somerimes I could just scream with anger amongst other things!
      Take care of yourself.⚘

      1. Missy says:

        It’s my own damn fault for not using protection. The worst is, I drove 10 hours one way to meet up with him, and two hours out he texted to say something has come up and he had no time. We had planned this for weeks.
        Now I realize from HG this was a power move and he probably had other fuel he wanted instead. I should have turned around right then and changed my number but was too addicted and couldn’t see through the trees. Through much begging he gave me an hour of his precious time, said he’d return in the morning, never did, and I just sat there waiting like a loser. Finally I left, cried all the way home, and woke up 5 days later with this crap. He most definitely is filth.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          You might benefit from adopting one of my rules:

          No travelling for dick.

  8. littlebit says:

    I’m trying to fight the urge, the addiction, at the moment, but it’s difficult. I’ve agreed to see him only 1 night in the past 21 and I managed 3 days full NC. I changed the locks, blocked him on Facebook, messenger and blocked his number and unfriended his friends – who he says all hate me and tell him to dump me because I’m crazy and abusive and bad for him, I think he’s lying but I can’t trust them not to report on what I’m currently posting if he asks, giving him access to me whenever he wants. Then I weakened and messaged him to tell him I’d sent back a gift he’d sent. It had driven me mad that the last contact was a series of long messages lecturing me on everything I did wrong, urging me to get help and begging me to leave him alone and stop abusing him. I suppose I wanted the last word.
    It very quickly turned to sexting. He’s reminding me of the magnificent sex – God, magnificent isn’t the word, we had to put down puppy training pads for my squirting as I was even soaking a towel through – and saying I could have it again, whenever I want. He says we should be fuck buddies as neither of us will find anyone we have such amazing sexual chemistry with. Offering the lovesex without the arguments is a brilliant move on his part as we were happy in bed, he says it was just when we were around other people the problems started. It wasn’t, it was whenever I didn’t follow the script in his head.
    He now wants to keep me away from all the friends and family he proudly paraded me in front of just a few months ago and for us to have “our bubble” where they can’t interfere.
    Oh, but I’m so tempted, remembering his touch, his smell, his taste. Why would I want to have inferior sex with someone else, when I could have the dark passion I have with him?

    1. Renarde says:

      “Why would I want to have inferior sex with someone else, when I could have the dark passion I have with him?”

      I hear you sister

      In fact, maybe THIS is the only real aspect to the dynamic. Sex is tangible; the results are real. The sensations are out of this world.

      1. MB says:

        Renarde and littlebit, I’ve suggested to HG that he write a “how to” book for the clueless normals and empathic men out there to help them attend better to their lovers. But really, how many would admit they need such help and get the book? Probably wouldn’t be a best seller.

        1. windstorm says:

          I don’t know. You’re probably right about the men, but I bet a whole lot of women would buy it!

          1. MB says:

            I would!

        2. NarcAngel says:

          Why is it HG’s job to teach them that and not their partner?

          1. MB says:

            Cause HG knows best!

            Are you saying me teach my partner?

          2. NarcAngel says:

            No, not you specifically-just in general. It just strikes me odd that one would hope that their partner could learn from a third party how to please them. Especially in light of the fact that not everyone likes or responds to the same things. Why wouldnt the couple be exploring that together? Are women really still too reluctant to say what they want? Like hell I’d leave that up to someone else.

          3. MB says:

            NA, I’m still aspiring to be like you when I grow up! I can’t speak to the reluctance of other women, but I would bet you are in the minority at feeling comfortable to express. For somebody that talks about articulating ones needs, I’m quite the hypocrite, eh?

            I don’t truly believe that my partner reading a book, or even watching a how to video would make a difference. I don’t think you can inject passion and chemistry where there’s none. I’ve had one sexual partner since a very young teenager and still share a bed with this person that I love beyond measure, but have never been physically attracted to. So I wouldn’t even know where to begin. That’s why supplements are effective for therapy for me. Sex with the hubs is good because I close my eyes and live out the narc phone sex in my head. I can’t kiss him though, I’m unable to pretend that well. I’ve never kissed my brother, but that must be what it would taste like and I’m disgusted.

            So you can see why I’m so susceptible to running away with a narcissist. I could be plucked quite easily with the promise of a little excitement.

            Please share your thoughts with me on this NA. I truly want your advice. *pours two glasses of wine* Give it to me straight girlfriend. What would NA do?

      2. Missy says:

        Thank you, Renarde for taking the time to read my comment and understand my pain. I will never be able to comprehend how a man could hate so much, and feel entitled to forcefully take what isn’t his. He will always be a pathetic coward to me now.

      3. Presque Vu says:

        Hi Renarde,

        I just wanted to say I read your blog, it’s good. Your honesty about sex and being so open about what you like is so refreshing! Sex with my narc was very unfulfilling but I fell in love with his mind being non somatic. I can only imagine the HELL amazing sex coupled with narc would be!!
        I’m very curious about what you write about being submissive, I’m exploring my sexuality so shall keep reading your blog with interest especially the link with being submissive and avoiding abusive encounters. Thanks for sharing :*

    2. Missy says:

      I hear you! I too was offered this arrangement and jumped at the chance. But I soon realized this only leads to greater despair and it was just further manipulation designed to lead to an ultimate discard. First, by getting me to agree to sex no strings attached, it allowed him to be even more unaccountable. This allowed him to use the time to get other fuel. Next when I questioned him about anything I was accused of being too demanding and crazy. I agreed to be more chill and let him come and go as he pleased, often not hearing from him for days on end. I didn’t call him because that would have been crazy. Last, during these bouts of silence I began to obsess about him 24×7. Where was he, who was he with, what did I do to deserve this? I craved intimacy as well as the amazing, mind blowing physical feelings. For me, I was unable to keep the two separate and cannot compartmentalize. I finally hit rock bottom after agreeing to see him “to just talk.” Within 30 seconds of letting him in, his hand was up my skirt and he was ripping off his clothes. I was too afraid to get him off of me and just laid there. After 10 minutes it was all over and he was gone. I scrubbed my body clean and washed all my linens as I sat in complete silence trying to reason through it all. Was I just raped? Did he give me another STD? It’s been 8 months and I haven’t heard from him. At the end of our “relationship” I found myself apologizing for genuinely caring about him and for wanting intimacy. We deserve a loving and caring soul along with the mind blowing sex. Our feelings are real. A woman doesn’t let a man inside of her without trust and a connection, at least not for an extended period of time. If I am honest with myself, I agreed to the arrangement thinking it would lead us back to the golden period. And it was impossible as an empath to not have deep feelings for him. I recommend keeping a journal to chronicle all he says and does and how it makes you feel. It helps to spot patterns and lies and on bad days reminds you of how far you’ve progressed or fallen. As far as the inferior sex, for me eventually it WAS inferior and I realized by staying in the arrangement I kept giving up a piece of me until there was nothing left. And eventually, even he didn’t want me either because I was just a shell. He had mined all the light and love from my soul.

      1. Renarde says:

        Missy I didn’t want to read this and run.

        That is fucking awful. Appalling. The key phrase for me in your words are these;

        “Within 30 seconds of letting him in, his hand was up my skirt and he was ripping off his clothes. I was too afraid to get him off of me and just laid there.”

        My interpretation is that you were too frightened to say no and therefore, yes, it was ABSOLUTELY a rape. Positive, affirmative consent was not sought. The concept that women are too frightened to speak is a very valid one during sexual assault and is one that is often not addressed in society.

        I am so sorry this happened to you. I was raped and it took a few years but I did eventually report it. Of course, it was thrown out by the police let alone the CPS. Didn’t get that far.

        Once again, I am so sorry.

      2. Caroline says:

        Missy, thank you for sharing these intensely painful things. You express yourself so well, and we feel your heartache. I don’t know if these feelings ever go away.
        Yes, it was rape. Intimate partner violence.
        You didn’t deserve it.

        He crushed your “no” from the beginning, and managed down your expectations, so you’d give your precious all. In return, he would give crumbs.
        It’s all on his terms.
        We make ALL the compromises, the narcs make NONE.
        He did indeed “mine all the light and love from my soul”.

        I have never been able to separate love and sex.
        I don’t want to.
        For me it’s like a lobotomy of my female psyche. It puts me on a trajectory of depression and despair.
        Why should we have to? A good man will step up, but a narc won’t.

        Renarde, I’m sorry to hear you’ve experienced rape too. Thank you for sharing it here. I feel less alone.

        1. Renarde says:

          Thank you. We are not alone. I’m always here.

  9. Margaret Robertson says:

    I was robbed! Robbed, I say! Good sex?!?!?! I wish. Worst. Lay. Ever. (Walks away muttering under my breath….”My luck is so bad, I couldn’t even rate a talented narcissist”)

    1. Renarde says:

      Oh I’m sorry! E’s can have ‘residual benefits’ too and this is such a big one. But as HG says, the Greaters (and to a certain extent the Upper Middle’s) are rare beasts and they don’t come along that often. Although I do believe that great sex is more about cadre than school; the very, very best sex comes from men that are intelligent and are skilled at observing and interpretating body language.

      I talked to the UMN the other day about his oral skills and he said something really intresting. I asked him why he was so good and he said he just touches me the way that if he was a woman that he would want to be touched. I think that speaks volumes actually.

      Continuing in that vein, he also informed me that he can replay like a video in his head, pretty much every sexual encounter he has ever had. That doesn’t surprise me. I have observed that Ns can do extremely intresting things, like reading upside down and back to front, and quickly too. I think a lot either have an eidectic memory or are approaching it. He jokes that he forgets things all the time and his mum pulls him on it. I very nearly spurted out, ‘No you don’t forget, you just can’t be bothered as it’s not important to you!’

      In one of HG’s books he talks about how he wished the sex manipulation worked on more women. He is correct. if it did, it would be a very very powerful tool indeed.

  10. Renarde says:

    As always HG is painfully accurate. I would agree with him that prowess in bed is more to do with cadre than school. (With the exception of some lessers).

    Lesser victim- pathetic and repulsive

    Greater cerebral. No ejaculation control. Unsatisfying. No other skills either…

    UL Elite- not bad. Talked a big game which he didn’t deliver

    But then…Oh my God.

    LM somatic – very very good indeed. Had staying power. Brilliant oral skills.

    Greater Elite – Incendry! Mindblowing. Energy between us was off the scale. Told me he was skilled everyway and he did deliver. In spades. I came repeatedly and squirted the bed wet.

    UM Somatic- Incredible. Capable of being utterly filthy (I’ve found him in my wardrobe dressing up before now. Then sometimes we do it like that) but his favourite trick is to slide on top, easing himself in slowly before brushing my hair away and gazing with such longing in his eyes. His voice goes quiet and deep and as I’m moaning and gasping he tells me his cock is all for me.

    Or again softly…’You going to come on my cock again baby?’ At which I moan even harder and explode. Another trick is to stop having sex and then he goes down on me. This happens repeatedly. It got so intense once that I had to ask him to stop. My brain couldn’t process what I was feeling. He did stop. Only to hold and stroke me and ask if i was ok? Before we resumed. As you can imagine, I squirt like Niagra Falls!

    It’s hard to give that up. It’s like mainlining crack!

    1. Quasi says:

      Christ on a crutch!!!!!! ( line stolen from NNH….) that was an intense read renarde… I think I need to lie down…

      I have NEVER experienced any of that, i can see how that may be addictive, kind of makes me thankful I meet a victim mid ranger who was awful…. it just hurt and it only happened once!
      I’m really very thankful for this now, as I believe I may have been In trouble with a longer entanglement if I had met the last couple you described. Oh my!

      Although I now I feel my complete and woeful inexperience requires me to take my vows at the nunnery! If only I wasn’t so blasphemous …

      1. Renarde says:

        That’s a really tricky one. I mean, obviously, no one wants to go through the way a N will treat us but the sex can be utterly incredible. I’m tangling with a UM now. We are both FULLY aware of each other but have not yet had a conversation about it. It’s the elephant in the room.

        He is polite, courteous, funny, sexy, generous, amazing sex skills and good company. He is also devious, manipulative, short tempered and surprisingly tricky to pin down. There is also an energy between us, a chemistry, which is incredibly hard to describe. I’m guessing I’m candidate IPSS. I’m not a DLS as I’ve already been paraded in front of friends.

    2. Fuel on the Shelf says:

      “Another trick is to stop having sex and then he goes down on me. This happens repeatedly.”

      OH MY GAWD. This is, word for word, one of the MANY things my MRN used to do. Is there a NARC sex text book too? Or do they just get all their ideas from porn? (Whenever I would ask my MRN where he got the idea to do something I had never heard of or tried he said he saw it in a porno).

      1. Renarde says:

        No, not porn. I’ve never seen it in any porn (amateur or pro) I which is almost always aimed at men. Also, I’ve had Ns that a rubbish at oral. I mean REALLY bad.

        I was thinking about this the other day. It must be because male Ns are very good at getting inside the female brain, understanding how they tick. The other thing I also tumbled to is you know how incredibly body sensitive they are to pain? Well they also have it to pleasure as well. And I’m guessing that if they like something, such as a way of being touched, others will do too. I noticed this when I bit the back of his neck and he explained it was like an electricity going around his body. Oh he was moaning and groaning away.

        Maybe HG could comment on this?

        1. gabbanzobean says:

          Good grief….is there a checklist of all the same sex stuff they like too? My MRN liked being bitten as well. He also liked being choked too. I could go on and on with some of the other weird stuff he liked

          Yeah I definitely hear you on them knowing what makes us tick. He used to do this thing where he would gently touch my face, his hand on my cheek while looking me in the eyes. He knew it melted me, I’d be standing in front of him leaking down my legs and he knew it. He smiled and said “you are just like a gay man. Gay men love having their face touched”. Was he speaking from experience with that comment? I will never know. But he knew how it affected me. So yeah I agree. He knows what makes me (or gay men I suppose, lol) tick.

      2. Renarde says:

        For some reason WordPress won’t allow me to reply to your latest comment, so I’m replying to this one instead.

        “He smiled and said “you are just like a gay man. Gay men love having their face touched””

        Yeah, I think he was speaking from experience there. It’s all fuel at the end of the day. The UMN I am seeing disclosed that he was bi. First man I’ve ever had that has done that. He is now speaking quite frankly about it and his experiences. Turns out he has been doing it almost all of his adult life. I have no issue with that. What he does like however is giving other men oral. That makes sense as he is not really in it for his gratification more gaining fuel from others’ reactions. Moreover, when he is with me, it’s about my pleasure and not his. He does come but not often..

    3. Michelle says:

      Women squirt?!?! Um…. ok! If a man tried to even touch me, down there, I switch off and dissociate, and it’s like complete numbness. Tears will come down my face.
      It’s like complete shut-off, phobia type fear! I can only deal with certain type touching/feeling/kissing…
      And even then it has to be very safe/know and trust person.
      This like a whole different world to me.A world I do not know.
      And it sounds kinda gross, all the bodily fluids and mouths going down in the nether regions.
      But then I’m weird I guess….

      1. Renarde says:

        Well it’s technically female ejaculation. I believe all women have the capability but it’s very rare.

        I’m really sorry to hear about your experiences; that’s awful.

      2. Catherine Parr R says:

        Michelle your comment reminds me of an ex who occasionally told me that he was surprised my reactions to making love were very positive. He said he expected me to have the reaction that you speak of but was baffled that I enjoy it, am receptive, don’t push back when touch and my orgasms are normal and uninhibited. He explained most of his many previous amorous encounters were women with intimacy issues and I was a breath of fresh air. Interesting remarks. Were they genuine or with an ulterior motive? Regardless, it was a lovely compliment and very rare (a red flag) coming from an MRN. They were rare because I’ve had many more beautiful meaningful compliments from complete strangers. We were not together long and eventually dumped the hoe. He has been hoovering me every 3 months since 2016.

        I have no feelings and don’t care for that man and consider his hoovers as compliments!


      3. Tonya says:

        I had the numb experience as well…but only with the narc not with anyone else in my past. I still am not sure why that occurred but I’m guessing it was because there was no warmth in his touch no love no realness in anything he felt for me. No electricity none! I remembered the first time we got to spend the night together and be with each other after 3 months of talking…I laid there and cried and cried and cried and I had no idea why I was crying and he just starred off into space like in a trance while I cried and my tears were like getting all over him and he just started off like in a trace state and never said a word. It was the strangest encounter and it was also our first. I know sounds crazy. I do remember at one point I stopped crying and just looked at him while laying close beside him and he turned and grabbed me real quick in a fast reflex type way and yeah anyways! I think I was probably crying because I knew this wasn’t who I had been talking to….this was someone else. But at the time it was all subconscious I believe. We were both so damn odd together in person both of us…I was too for some reason. I couldn’t think it function hardly in his presence. I feel he couldn’t either very well.

    4. RG says:

      How did/do you break away? I can’t get mine out of my head for the fact that he was the best I’d ever had definitely his use of words took the experience to another level.
      He cleverly always avoided using the words ‘I love’ you at any point of our time together, yet still had me hooked.
      Feel haunted and empty without him.

    5. elainie says:

      Yes, my somatic now dead husband was incredible, the only thing I could liken it to was a heroin additction not that I have ever been addicted but I could never get enough and of course during his silent treatment punishments he punishhed me by withholding sex. The greater elite was ok but it was more about pleasing him in every way.

      1. Caroline says:

        Hi Elaine, the withholding/punishment was the final straw for me. It’s just too cruel.
        The N-tallyboard that exists in their head is inescapable. Ex-N would say “you act like you can’t get enough of me, then you disappear for four months and won’t talk” .
        Umm, we broke up. I didn’t disappear. He never forgive me for that. That topic would always make an appearance in the word-salad of arguments.
        I made him wait before we had our first date, and that was grounds for withholding, in his mind.

    6. /iroll says:

      How have you managed to have sex with all kinds of narcs?

      1. Renarde says:

        I’m not sure who this is aimed at but maybe it’s me?

        Because very simply sex is not wrong. I’m after all, a res blooded woman who is in turn, versed in specific sexual techniques.

        Im also a Super. So I do get a lot of attention. I think my kind are rare.

      2. /iroll says:

        Protip: never use the same name on different sites (it’s not safe).

      3. Renarde says:

        It’s not safe for them or for me? 😀

        Look, my standard, default position is, that if I am approached then I assume they are an N until it is proven that they aren’t.

        They never do – they are ALWAYS Ns. Hence all schools and all cadres.

        In point of fact, I am currently undergoing a Hoover from a GEN and I booted a UMN last night who I was toying with because he was deploying a very unsubtle silent treatment. So he got a Silent Treatment back. Or No Contact.

        Once you tangle with a GEN, they teach you so much about yourself and the way you respond to their manipulations that everyone else is a cake walk. Sometimes I don’t even bother going through a full NC – I just disengage. This GEN (the swine!), stole my heart. He is always after me though. I have the anniversary of our first date coming up and he’ll be saving a big one up for that. Honestly, it’s open warfare round here.

        Spotting his Lieutenants is fun though. He has quite a few. I am sometimes maul them and send them back to him as a ‘message’. He then removes them from his life as they have proven to be ineffective.

        Want a good story?

        I want to an event in London and I spotted one. GEN was there too (I have another story about what we did but I’ll save it).I wasn’t sure on the mans’ ‘camp’ status. To cut a long story short. I ended up telling this man what was going on. He strangely wasn’t surprised. He got a taxi and we ended up going back to the station and on the same train. Man then made an ‘inexpert’ pass at me. (Couldn’t have seen THAT coming – rolls eyes) I allowed him to touch me. Intimately (He was crap – the GEN would have had been squirting in seconds). I knew it would wind the GEN up like a bastard if he ever found out. I hoped the man would be on my side.

        I begged the man to keep what I had said about the GEN quiet. I still wasn’t entirely sure on the man’s status – was he with me or against me? He would have been an invaluable Lieutenant for my camp.

        Imagine, therefore MY surprise when doing my usual rounds of the GEN’s social media that a new writing had appeared. What’s this? I thought.

        It was called ‘Girl on a Train’. The swine had been told by the man (no-one else knew) and the GEN had written about it, all details correct even down to the dress and what we did. In the story, it is of course the GEN who is touching me. I came out of it surprisingly well but I had obviously been betrayed by the man.

        I roast the man for his betrayal. The next thing I know, GEN and man are no longer friends. One can only imagine the conversation.

        Lesson: don’t get between the GEN and I if we are in a ‘war’ footing.

        We are not always ‘at war’ though. We have been chatting recently and he has been surprisingly helpful. There are rules though which are unwritten. Or at least I have rules; he does as he pleases.

        i NEVER contact him first. Ever. That nixxes the Silent Treatment. I just ignore it. He baits me with intriguing ideas and images but I won’t message him until he messages me first.

        I will talk to him though if he is polite and respectful. He always is and hasn’t yet attempted a true malignant Hoover. It’s been a year now.

        As long as both apply then i gush the fuel for him. Have it. take it. I know what you want, you bad boy, and it pleases me to give it to him. He has a knack of being around when times are tough.

        I love him so much. I know it isn’t real but I cannot switch it off. I wish I could.

    7. Jess says:

      Good grief Charlie Brown😋

  11. Sanna paterson says:

    Absolutely the best sex ever and pretty much all that remained at the end. Definitely addicted and difficult to break free.

  12. /iroll says:

    I had to say and do what narcy-simon said. There were whole phrases i had to repeat. Once i moved on my own and he grabbed my throat and told me that i wasn’t allowed to think for myself.


  13. Magic Hat says:

    This is so true. I escaped (no contact for 8 weeks but we work together, lots of hoovering) as an IPSS affair (3 years both married- judge away I feel nothing but disgust and shame for my actions) I saw a long golden period with tremendous efforts made on his behalf. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for me. My hero. I escaped as he had put me on a shelf me to try a new IPSS that we also work with. She offers residual benefits I couldn’t. He had taken me back off the shelf when I just clicked it, I clearly saw he was fucking this woman too, playing her just like he did me. I watched him trying to manipulate me and her. So I just ghosted him. I walk past him without glancing at him now. Confessed the affair to my husband to ensure my door remains closed. Slowly trying to rebuild my life. Thankfully I found this site, devoured all of HG’s books to arm myself. Not reacting to triangles, smears or his attempts to suck me back in is exhausting. I’m starting a new job next month so I’ll be free and clear. I hope I can fade away without anymore drama. Will he let me go quietly? Upper Mid ranger perhaps lower greater?

    But yes the sex was out of this world, he has an insatiable desire and ability to perform. Shame he is actually worthless.

    Thank you HG. Clarity is so freeing.

    1. Quasi says:

      Hi Sabrina ,

      You will not be judged here, I too started to comment on the blog with trepidation, and fear of judgement. But I received none. Just support and kindness… your surrounded by empathic people, many of whom have been in your position. Please don’t worry about judgement.
      It’s a brave thing to share your story, and your in good company.

      Also remember there is a big difference between shame and guilt.
      Shame – I am bad / wrong
      Guilt – I have done something bad/ wrong.
      One is about the self and the other is about the behaviour/ actions we made.

      When we make bad choices influenced by the manipulations of a narcissist, it is not indicative of our core self being a “bad person”.
      Good people can do bad things or make repeatedly bad decisions. Good people can feel immense guilt about their actions, without this being shame.

      It sounds like you have read everything, that’s brilliant, I would recommend the married target and the dirty empath infidelity articles, if you have not read them already. I found them to be the most illuminating and relevant for me. Very harsh but important articles.

      I think you have been very admirable, thank you for sharing your story.

    2. Bean says:


    3. DUTG says:

      No judgment here Sabrina. Appreciate your post. Narcs boggle the mind.

    4. Morning sun says:

      I used to believe I would never ever cheat on my partner. Then the narc came along… I cheated for about 6 months and received a very valuable life lesson – I used to condemn cheaters and suddenly I knew first-hand how easyit was to cross the line. I used to have zero understanding for mothers who left their children to run off with a lover and suddenly, I knew just how powerful infatuation can be. Innocence lost can never be regained, but gaining the experience was worth it, for me.

      I’ve learned to be brutally honest with myself and that the only moral a compass I need is the one I choose and live with in peace.

      1. Caroline says:

        Interesting points you made MS.
        Growing up with a N-mother, I was conditioned to have rigid, judgmental, black & white thinking. As I’ve developed as myself and gained more life experience, I can see the complexities of human behaviour, and I love the shades of grey that exist.
        We really can’t predict how we’ll behave in a given situation with certain factors at play, and certain resources at our disposal, or bereft of them.

        For myself I hope that I’ll always act in accordance with my convictions and values. Experience has shown how easily I can let myself down. Especially when oxytocin levels are low.

  14. Life Coach Sheka says:

    Interesting. I just wonder how does one determine that they are THAT GREAT to believe they are. Who told you that? Was there a poll taken? Who said narcissists were great love makers? I think they are selfish one makers. JMO. Kisses

    1. Catherine Parr R says:

      Hi Life Coach Sheka
      I believe the thought of being great derives from ones perceived or actual intelligence, self awareness, a higher knowledge; others’ encouragement, praises and motivations including achievements, a certain lifestyle, actions and the ability to easily influence one’s brazen ideas without fear of reprimand, being charismatic and more. It is a natural inherent calculated thinking, observation and comportment in detail.

      Some empathic (or non) women and men labeled their narcissistic partners great in bed. I agree the narcissists can be selfish more so when infatuation dwindles and staleness surfaces. Empaths can be selfish in bed too or lazy.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      If you keep reading you will find many comments attesting to them being great love makers. One of the biggest hooks actually.

  15. Healing Victim says:

    HG a question in one year of having a lot of fuel, how many were you having sex with? The top. Mine would have a main supply and then rotate his harem of women. He may not of had sex with someone for a year, then out of the blue start up the relationship again. He would get the biggest high of going to dating sites. Write many women around the same time. Then see who will take the bait. Now he was having a very good high of a new victim to hunt down. He would use the word beg a lot. You beg to see me. He would say sex was very important to him. He hated the word love or hearts, but okay sharing this with his main supply. I love her like a cousin she is family. He was very good at manipulating with words. He had no type of looks Old young fat skinny small. It just sickens me of all that I was sharing him with. I do not know how the hell his main supply shares him. Sleep in the same bed as he had 5 women over in one week. She knows everything and contributes to him victimizing women. She stays as she is a mess herself. I would tell her, honey I hope you change the sheets each time you go to his house and have sex. AS he is a lazy ass of not keeping up on cleaning. So HG what was your top amount of sex partners you had in one year? Thank you for your teachings.

  16. Quasi says:

    I can only assume that this experience would relate to the IPPS, as the person who would experience the love bombing of this nature. The golden period of attention, gifts, adoration, and of course sex being intrinsically linked to love in this way.

    In the way that my relationship with him evolved, it could never have been like this. The only golden period I can recognise is just a few months of him being nice to me, responsive and engaging, him being a friend.

    Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it, he was not the most intelligent or articulate gentleman in the world. His request for a description of how I would give him a blow job, was entertaining at best. “Fellating us in a parked car” reminded me of that chestnut! ( great word fellating, if that word came out of his mouth I would have passed out in shock!)
    He was the type to say something along the lines of this in a message “ sorry have bin busy…now what bout that blow job?”
    I know irresistible right ! Form an orderly queue ladies, he is available… lol.

    I guess from the start I knew he did not love me. I didn’t want him to, I wanted him to care for me and value me as a friend… again something he would be uninterested in and incapable of ( well in my definition of value that is).

    He did say “I love you” once it was the night we had sex. Even if I didn’t know what he was, I would have still known this to be bullshit. There was not emotion, no Care, no anything, the only emotion I felt from him that night was anger, and he made this known in his actions. When he said “I love you”, I responded with “no you don’t”.

    – Actual Love is felt too, not just spoken.

    1. DUTG says:

      Quasi, love your posts. Mine was only meant to be a friend too. Big ‘lesson learned’ which ended up with me finding this place.

      1. Quasi says:

        Thanks DUTG, same here -massive lesson learned that I very much needed and totally lead me to narcsite.
        New world of knowledge and understanding and also some pretty awesome people.

    2. Renarde says:

      No. Both IPPS and IPSS. I’ve experienced it both ways.

    3. Caroline says:

      Hi Quasi,
      Interesting reading your post. Thank you. Your last line is a life truth, and should be taught in school.
      “Actual love is felt too, not just spoken”.

      It’s so many tiny things we intuitively put together, a look, the timing, the touch, the lingering, the sense of emotion behind the touch, the posture, the eye-contact, the open soft eyes, the dilated pupils, the breath of anticipation, the melting together, the consistency of action over time, the words-match-actions, the crescendo, the focus, the sparking of interest and conversation, the attempts to draw you into his life, the gifts, the offers of help, the planning of activities, the remembering details and what thoughts are sparked by those details, the creative energy, the happy look and good humour, the preference shown, the consideration shown, the real apology when he’s hurt you, the asking you “would you like…?”, and the compromises made to have you in his life, the making you feel it’s no bother, the going out of his way, him stepping up, the energy and generosity, the forgiveness and grace shown, the lack of a tally board that accrues things to be punished for, the emotional satisfaction, and the feeling of being safe, not predated on, feeling respected, listened to, understood, valued, like you mean something, that you are special and he doesn’t want to be anywhere else but with you, that your opinions are enjoyed, that you are delighted in, the thank yous, the politeness, the gratitude, the being proud of you, his encouragement, the noticing the little details about you, the fact that he thinks your quirks and flaws are cute, he tells you you’re beautiful, he likes to say your name, the loving words spoken and him enjoying how you respond, because he wants to build love and trust between you, the injokes shared, the feeling he’s on your side, his efforts to make you comfortable, the not being pushed and the respect of your “no”, the “I’ll wait as long as you want”, the arrangements made and kept because he wants to see you, the openness in telling you details about himself, the not leaving you guessing or wondering, he moves the relationship forward, he takes you out to show you off because he’s proud you’re in his life., he wants your admiration and respect, he wants to know what you think and like, he wants you to have what you like, he encourages your personal growth, he’s proud of your achievements, he seeks your opinion and will modify his plans in response to your opinion, he wants to work through disagreements, he takes responsibility for his moods, he holds you when you’re upset, he doesn’t enjoy seeing you upset, he won’t cheat on you, you’re enough for him…
      Just a few things off the top of my head.

  17. Twilight says:

    Enjoyed listening to your interview today HG, was insightful and triggering. It has been a while sense I have thought of my childhood home and why I have kept my distance even when I went back and lived in the same city after my husbands death.
    You always leave me with much to reflect on, and hope many come here for a deeper understanding of yours and your kinds perspective and not try and get the answers from those they have been entangled with.

  18. Sanna paterson says:

    Yes it was. In fact it was almost the entire interaction in the end and it was always splendid.
    Does the narcissist enjoy this or just the control he has?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The fuel.

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