Surely That’s The End, Yes?

 surely-thats

“I have not heard from him in a month, he has moved on hasn’t he?”

“I exposed what she is like to all of her family, she won’t be contacting me again that’s for sure.”

“I told him I know what he is and he disappeared so I doubt I will hear from him again.”

“He is with somebody else already so I guess he won’t want me again will he?”

“I told him what I thought of him and he just backed off. He won’t hoover me will he?”

“He came crying back to me and I gave him short shrift. I doubt he will bother again.”

Wrong.

There are many different scenarios and outcomes involving our kind where the victim considers that our kind will not bother with them again post discard or post escape. The victim thinks that a period of total silence, the involvement of the narcissist with a new victim, the manner in which the relationship ended will all mean that the narcissist will not come sniffing around the victim ever again.

We will.

Why is this the case?

Firstly, you must understand our perspective. You belong to us. You are our appliance. You are our property. The Formal Relationship between us may have ended but the Narcissistic Relationship is forever. It only ends when either you or I cease to draw breath. It does not matter that we enter into a new Formal Relationship with somebody else. It does not matter if you do. It does not matter that world war three erupted when we parted company. It does not matter if there has been complete silence for two years. None of these factors alter the fact that in our minds the connection between you and I because of the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until one of us dies.

Secondly, the attraction of gathering fuel from you is substantial and this is the prime driver for never letting go. Fuel is so important to us that it drives everything about behaviour and the link between you and I is no exception to the all-pervasive power of fuel.

Thirdly, factors such as new partners, the effluxion of time and the manner in which the Formal Relationship has ended are immaterial.

I am repeatedly asked by people whether a hoover will happen. I always answer the same; the risk always remains, but you can manage that risk. People set out the circumstances of the end of the Formal Relationship to me and what has happened since (if anything) and ask whether a hoover will happen, or express their view that they do not think it will happen because of a, b or c. My answer again is the same; the risk of us returning always remains, but you can manage that risk.

It is never the end. There is always a risk, a chance, a probability (or a possibility) that we will return to you and apply a hoover. You cannot assume that it is over. No matter how much it may seem that it is over, no matter how much it may appear to you that we will not come back, that we apparently have no reason to do so, such assumptions are dangerous. There are only two factors which are material to the issue of whether you will be hoovered again.

The first factor is the Hoover Trigger. For a hoover to happen potentially, it must first be triggered. This means that you must come into our sights, that we sniff the prospective fuel that leaks from you, that something happens to cause you to come up on our radar. Whether this happens depends on whether you enter one of the six spheres of influence. I have written separately about them in The Spheres of Influence (And What You Can Do About Them) in another article. I will not repeat its content other than to state that

  1. You have control over whether you enter any of the first five spheres of influence; and
  2. You have no control over whether you enter the sixth sphere of influence.

By staying away from us through no contact you will not enter the first five spheres. The sixth sphere is when we happen to think of you. Thus, if you have successfully implemented no contact the only risk of a trigger being activated is if we happen to think of you. You cannot influence that. Our preoccupation with your replacement means we are far less likely to think of you and hoovers are triggered by you doing something to enter the first five spheres, such as messaging us or passing where we live.

If you maintain no contact the first five spheres will not be entered. It then just depends on whether we happen to think of you. This may not happen for weeks or months. You can therefore see that by staying out of the first five spheres you will vastly reduce the risk of a Hoover Trigger being activated but you cannot state that it will never happen as it is reliant on if we happen to think of you. That may just be a random occurrence or it might be because we see something that reminds us of you.

The second factor is only applicable if the Hoover Trigger has been activated. The second factor is concerns the Hoover Criteria. These criteria include such matters as: –

–         Whether you are a potent source of fuel;

–         Whether you can easily be located;

–         Whether you can easily be contacted;

–         Whether you have your defences maintained concerning us;

–         Whether you remain mired in the emotional sea;

–         What support networks you have in place;

–         How well fuelled we are;

–         The nature of the narcissist who you entangled with (Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater); and

–         Potential obstacles

All of these matters combine to determine whether it is worthwhile us expending our energy to act on the Hoover Trigger. If we are presented with a sitting target, flowing with fuel, caught in the emotional sea, isolated and exposed then the criteria point heavily to the fact that a hoover will now take place. If on the other hand it is very hard to contact you, we know you have stopped flowing with fuel when dealing with us, you have people who will stop us trying to reach you and so forth, you become a Flawed Reason to Extract Emotion (F.R.E.E.).

For a worked example of how this can happen if someone enters the first sphere of influence I recommend that you read the article Hoover Time! Sphere One.

Accordingly, if you can do everything possible to become a F.R.E.E. then even if Hoover Trigger is activated then the chances of us executing that hoover will be considerably reduced. By contrast, if you fail to attain becoming a F.R.E.E. then you run the risk of a hoover being executed.

You will note that in the hoover criteria above there is no mention of the gap between when we last contacted you and the current time. There is no mention of the circumstances in which we parted company as the Formal Relationship. There is no mention of you knowing what we are, whether you told us, whether you exposed our abuses to others. Those are not factors which concern us. The existence of a new partner is not relevant either in isolation, but is only a partial consideration in terms of whether that person might stop us. Of course even if they might do so and all the other factors point to the execution of a hoover, this one criterion has diminished relevance.

Accordingly, when you are asking yourself whether a hoover may happen. Remember this.

  1. You can never say never.
  2. There needs to be a Hoover Trigger. You can significantly influence whether there is one and reduce the risk but you cannot remove it.
  3. The Hoover Criteria need to be met. Again, you can significantly influence whether the criteria are met by becoming a F.R.E.E. and reduce the risk, but you cannot remove it.

The issue of whether you will experience a hoover is not completely in your hands, but is far more within your control than you might at first have thought.

It is never the end but you are not helpless.

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “Surely That’s The End, Yes?”

  1. I have read this 30 plus times today.

    Narcs do not love us, do not want us to be loved and do not want us to love anyone but them.

    When i realized, my heart sank. I felt the broken pieces of my heart shatter. Next new realization is going to pulverize those shattered pieces.

  2. I’m still trying to figure out if my ex narc is a mid range or a greater. But this is what I think has me safe from his Hoovers. Someone please give me some pointers.

    1. He cannot come to where I work because he was let go. Not susprisly due to his narcissism trying to play multiple women at work and got caught and the little doctor got let go for fraternization.
    2. My mom was diagnosed with cancer and I moved in with my parents in Jan 2017 (he knows where my parents live). I am hoping he has enough respect to not come to my parents house. After almost 2 years my parents never met his or me his.
    3. Changed my number
    4. Deleted old email addresses (blocking was not an option as I would always look in the spam file or he would make new email addresses)
    5. Limited social media accounts and the ones I have I purposely looked for him to block him.
    6. I no longer have a direct number at work.
    7. Told our mutual “friend” more his than mine to NOT give me any messages from him.
    8. I told my sister who he once reached out to to block him. She did.
    9. I told my bff to do the same and she did.

    Please give me some more advise or pointers. Thanks everyone.

    HD any advise from you is greatly appreciated.

    1. 1. Just because he has been let go does not mean he cannot try to get into the building or wait outside.
      2. The issue of respect is not one which will prevent him from hoovering by attending the house.
      3. Good. I expect you have been judicious with regard to who this information has been given.
      4. Good,
      5. Fairly good.
      6. Well done.
      7. Well done.
      8. Well done.
      9. Well done.

      Keep in mind there may be proxy hoovers from his friends or family so be mindful of that, consider if there are places where he may still approach you with a direct, physical hoover and change routines and ensure if he does appear that you walk away immediately. You should also read Exorcism and No Contact.

  3. I have implemented no contact, which sucks because the more time goes by the weaker my walls feel. Changed my number, emails, social media, he wont come to my work because he was let go. I moved back in with my parents to care for my mother, so living at home gives me a little bit of protection because something in me tells me he wont go that far and show up at my parents who he never met even though we were “together” for almost 2 years. He has tried to contact me through a “mutual friend” (more his than mine), and i told him not to give me any messages. He emailed me at work and ignored it. Its been a little over 2 months since we have spoken but i still catch my self looking out for him JUST IN CASE.

    I have made myself unwanted to him, by saying i have someone new. Made myself hard to find, new contact info, i have only 3 account s of social media and he is blocked on all. We live about 40 min apart. He cant come to my work and i live at home so i have some protection, at least i hope i do.

    I avoid the city where he works, where he lives, where he has businesses. Is there anything i am missing anything. Any advise would be welcomed.

  4. I am about to go to court, yet again with my ex narcissist. I am interviewing attorneys. My friend reffered me to one, who was sort of like Saul Goodman. It was obviously a no go, he did not specialize in what i need. However, after looking over the paperwork, he says to me that the most portant thing i need to do, is not to forget the stress the narcissist is putting me through, because the hoovers will come. Even though its the narcissist who has a restraining order on me at current moment.

  5. HG,

    I understand the concepts you are professing. However, how does the accumulation of IPPS’s impact the likelihood that any one IPPS will be hoovered. For example, me and my narc wife are currently in the middle of divorce. I was her second marriage and she remains friends with her first ex-husband. She now has a new IPPS although I presume him to be a panic pick. Nonetheless, if she continues to gain additional IPPS’ does it decrease the likelihood that I will be hoovered in the future?

    1. As a general principle, yes, however, the hoover is based on the Hoover Trigger (thus you may cause a HT and over former IPPS’ may not do so) and furthermore your HEC may be easier to attain than those IPPSs who are more recent. The greater the number of former IPPSs then there are more potential targets, thus you have some diluting effect, but overall it is the HT and HEC which govern.

  6. Understood. Thank you HG!

    “Never say never.”…. wasn’t that a James Bond title?

    I guess with me, I have considerable obstacles around me, and protection, support network, and if I know my father is coming over to UK, which he isn’t this year thank goodness then I go over to a friend’s house, but he hasn’t even managed to find out where I live yet…. and he has asked several friends, family, etc, but they will not tell him, as I’ve asked them all not to….he tried to call me on my brothers phone as he knew I would only pick up if it is someone I know…. but as I knew he was over, I wouldn’t answer.
    Your kind seem to like easier targets that are isolated. Thats how you like them to be.

    Like a lioness would pick a young buffalo or an injured one that was lagging behind. You don’t go for buffalo’s in the middle because that would be just stupid! And I know you are definately not this HG.

      1. Yes that’s the one….
        How are you feeling today HG? Well fuelled? On a 1-10 scale…. ?

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.