Just Leave Him

 

 

JUST LEAVE HIM

I know what they say about me. I always know. I know they crowd around, earnest expressions etched across their made-up faces, their mouths flapping as they spout their supposed wisdom to you.

“We will be here for you. You have always got us.”

“If you are unhappy there must be something wrong.”

“Is it right to be treated like this?”

“You are not the person you used to be.”

Who are they to claim what is right for you? Have they held you on that cliff-top with the foaming ocean churning beneath us, the cool Atlantic air brushing past us as a canopy of stars hung overhead? Have they looked into your eyes and seen the pain that I know was there long before I came along, a pain that I have shouldered for you? Where were they when you called at 3am and asked that I tell you a story because you had just had a horrible nightmare? I do not recall them soothing you and keeping those night demons at bay. Do they know you inside out? I think not. They do not know every each of you in the way that I do. Each delicate piece of you that I have kissed and caressed, so there is no place about your person that has not been embraced by me. They have not done that have they? Have they held your long tresses back and rubbed your back as you spewed those cocktails back up and groaned about what how much money you have just regurgitated? No. It was I who rode to your rescue as they wove their drunken way to another bar. They do not know your favourite ten songs and I will wager more than they earn that they have no inclination that you are frightened of geese.

Oh I know alright. I know about their messages which they send you. I have seen them and it is fortunate that I have so I can spare you from the green-eyed lies. They do not have what we have and nor will they ever. One cannot blame them for their wretched jealousy, they are just flesh and blood, but are they your true friends when they seek to pour such sedition in your ears when my back is turned? Ought they not to be happy for you, delighted that you want to spend so much time with me. Do they not see that your sadness on occasions is borne out of your deep and perfect love for me, that such is our connection that you justifiably feel upset when you irk me or irritate me. I know you do not mean to do it and that is why I have not pushed you aside like those other pretenders who came before you. You understand what it is to have found someone who fulfils all your hopes and your dreams and you understand my pain when you sleight me or let me down. Yet, since you are such a good person, my upset becomes your upset but they do not see it. I suppose if I was charitable I might ascribe their short-sightedness to the fact that they lack your special qualities. Only you understand me and only you have that deep-seated bond with me so that what I feel resonates with you. That is who you are and who they are not.

I heard them caution you about moving in together, their comments about “undue haste” and “it is too early” and “he wants you where he can see you.” Well, why should I not? Why should I not have my number one fan with me as often as I can? Why would you want to be anywhere else?Why would I not want to have someone so pretty and wonderful as you besides me? Does not every winner want to show off his trophy? Of course.

I know they have cautioned you about my temper and urged you to depart, claiming that it will only get worse and you will suffer. They mistake passion for temper, but then they would wouldn’t they, it suits their selfish purposes to try and bring down what you and I have. People usually do that when they do not understand something. It is a predictable and regrettable response.  As for their remarks about me controlling you, how can that be so? I chose you for so many things and chief amongst those attributes was the attraction of your strong mind and keen intelligence. So what if I suggest what you might wear and how you should do your hair, I am taking an interest. Would you prefer it if I never commented on how you looked or made no suggestion as to what suited you? I know a couple of them think I stop you seeing them, but that is just more of their campaign of slander. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but the times I have asked you to cancel plans to see some of your friends were only because I wanted to be with you. Perhaps I sounded firmer than I intended, I suppose that might happen when you spend all day working hard to support a relationship, it does make one tired. Do not be concerned by their observations that I make all the decisions about what we do, where we go and how our money is spent. I am happy to bear such a burden for us both and you have admitted, have you not, that I do know more than you about certain things. I am only doing what is right for you, for me and most of all for us. Of course, they do not bother to gain possession of all the facts. They would much rather whisper untruths in your ear based on hearsay and ill-informed perspectives. I suppose that is a price I have to pay for loving you so totally, so completely and so perfectly.

Still, I know they urge you to leave me. I am no fool. I have overheard their comments, heard what they say when they telephone you and seen the messages. I know they want you to depart and escape me. Well, do it. Go. Leave everything that we have built up together. Leave my guiding hand and perhaps someone more grateful will come along. I do not want that but why should my largesse and love be abused in this way? Why should I pour my all into an empty hole? Go do  it. Pack your bags and leave. I will not stop you. See. If I controlled you would I not be begging you to stay and pleading with you to ignore them? If I pulled your strings as they accuse me of doing so would I not be threatening you now with all manner of terrible consequences if you had the audacity to step through that door and away from me? But I have not and I do not, because you already know don’t you? That is why I chose you. But I shall not stand in your way. If it really is awful being with someone who only ever has your best interests at heart and who loves you perfectly, albeit sometimes clumsily and erratically, then leave me. Just leave.

I know you won’t though. I know.

27 thoughts on “Just Leave Him

  1. WhoCares says:

    Quasi,

    Same with NarcAngel; I concur with so much of what you say.

    ” A big boat of badass empaths.. with HG at the helm.. crossing the oceans of each individuals journey!”

    This so made me giggle (I love when people share their mental imagery of HG, etc – it adds an extra…”dimension’ to the blog) and, yes, there are some kickass empaths here!

    Thank-you for elaborating on your perspective – I know I’ll be back to revisit these words of yours.

    Absolutely taking a good look at myself – the good, the bad & the ugly – has been a big part in my moving forward. So I agree with your view on self-honesty. Specifically for me, I’ve come to realize that narcs bring out the best *and* the worst in me. While I don’t want this to be my truth; I recognize that it is what it is – and I’d prefer to learn from it then to constantly fight it.

  2. WhoCares says:

    /iroll,

    “1) You can’t make relationship decisions for other people, ever. Never try, even if you offer information to the other person, all you can really do is offer, never impose…”

    I agree.
    All you can do is offer information; and sometimes that is even too much if the other person is not ready to seek it or accept it.
    That’s why I illustrated what it took for me to make the relationship break instead of just pointing out my opinion that a person should up and leave the relationship at once.

    In my personal situation there was information that I seriously lacked that, once I had it, it gave me the certainty that I needed to act. Some of it was provided by a friend (only because I sought her advice) and all the rest of the gaps were filled in by HG’s work.

    At first, it never even occurred to me that there were community services I could seek out because I didn’t identify myself as an ‘abused’ individual.

    I weigh very carefully whether or not to give ‘advice’…but one can make a general assumption that most individuals making their presence known in the comments section of HG’ s blog are seeking answers…perhaps support…and maybe some advice.

  3. NarcAngel says:

    Quasi

    “I do not accept responsibility for his actions, the way he chose to interact with me, what he did to me- they are his responsibility ( not that he would view it that way). But I do take responsibility for my own. This does not make me feel shame or particularly negative feelings, taking responsibility for myself , owning my choices feels empowering.”

    “In my view and situation, If i was to blame him for everything, so nothing was my fault, he has all the power and control. To my mind blaming him in totality says to him – you have so much power over me that you made me do all those things, you made me do it, I can’t think for myself. ( I know that’s extreme but you know what I mean) it would make me a victim, I’m not a fan of that terminology, I try not to use it. It makes us weak, in my mind.”

    I share your view on these points. I have stated previously that I refuse to feed into the belief that the narcissist is all powerful or that he possesses magic etc etc. We are empathic and not helpless and pathetic as they believe us to be. We have to allow it in order for it to work so how powerful are they really? I think many took this as blaming the victim which was not my intent. I was trying to convey that if you own whatever you did allow or give in to, that you also then have the power to withdraw those behaviours and deny them. They will never stop taking but we can stop giving, and when we do, note how pathetic and not powerful we see them to be as manipulators.

    1. Quasi says:

      Hello NarcAngel,

      I agree wholeheartedly with you, I too am not saying that the person targeted is to blame for all because they are not. My view is one of balance, and acknowledgment of Individual choices made ( my own).

      When we focus on them we make them stronger, when we fear them we make them stronger, when we place all blame with them we make them stronger/ powerful.

      I have always thought that this is surely a great power of the empathic individual- the ability to reflect, to be fallible, to take responsibility for OUR decisions and actions ( not theirs), To put ourselves out there in the arena..getting knocked down, and picking ourselves up again. We are polar opposites to the narcissist with the majority of traits. I believe that this makes us powerful, more so then we even realise. As you say we can withdraw, we can stop giving them what they want… they cannot stop seeking and needing what we can give them – attention. They need us more then we need them.

      We may be in a position where we “want them”, but we do not “need them”. That is the difference also. Need and want! Addiction blurs this line considerably, but addiction can be overcome, their needs cannot.

      I really don’t like the term victim, I see everyone who visits this site and interacts here as a survivor, either post narcissistic abuse within their healing journey, or even later on in their journey – here to help and support others. Or survivors who remain in relationships with narcissists, people who are here for advise and support, people who need to know they are not alone.

      I will always remember something once said to me “what we can not tolerate, we must endure”, because life really can be full of suffering, and throw everything at you. The people here are still standing! They have endured more then I could even contemplate! I feel most humbled when reading peoples stories on the blog. When I get all gushy it’s because I feel deeply and something has genuinely affected me – so I let the person know as much.

      There are no victims here, only survivors who have empowered themselves with knowledge and understanding; or survivors who are in the continuing process of empowering themselves with knowledge and understanding.

      A big boat of badass empaths.. with HG at the helm.. crossing the oceans of each individuals journey!

      – I totally get the irony of this as HG clearly has more power here and in my analogy, but we can let that one slide! he is after all the provider of the most fundamental information which has helped to empower us- balance !

  4. /iroll says:

    1) You can’t make relationship decisions for other people, ever. Never try, even if you offer information to the other person, all you can really do is offer, never impose – which is a tricky distinction. By breaking that unspoken rule of engagement, you’ll look like the bad person. People must come to their own conclusions.

    2) There are live-in situations of 24/7 domestic abuse, but there are Also situations of obscured boundaries where we’re always leaving the narc and they’re always rejecting us. The point is, that never actually stops until we just stop it. We get caught up in their cycle of possessive anti-intimacy just by seeking closure.

    3) It’s a repetitive cycle, and any repetition even if not a real relationship, is a push-pull dynamic and it can also become addictive.

  5. WhoCares says:

    NarcAngel,

    I greatly appreciated reading your words.
    Thank-you.

  6. Carolyn says:

    HG,

    what do you think about this mindset, true or false?:

    If you are popular, confident, independent, happy, seductive strong woman with your own life and passions you could be really happy with a narcissist.

    Why? Because you are everything he ever wanted. Much better than those who were discarded by him. And if you are a prize for him he is the only man who:
    – knows how to love you and make love to you,
    – will be proud of your achievements and will brag about you
    – is also successful so you will match perfectly
    – is intelligent, powerful, want to live a very active life just like you
    – can charm you and treat you like a princess.
    – he will respect you because you are so great catch.

    Any thoughts?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      All of what you write may well be correct but only for a period of time, because the you reach the top, get ready to drop because the IPPS will ALWAYS be devalued.

      1. Carolyn says:

        Thank you! 🙂

      2. DUTG says:

        Good Depeche Mode quote right there HG…

        https://youtu.be/-1_9WYllhiQ

    2. Michelle says:

      You could be everything to the narc but they get bored like a boy with a new toy….(at first he plays with it all the time until the new toy comes along, and it’s all new and exciting)…. so the positive fuel in you decreases over time and becomes stale (even if you are doing everything to keep him happy) so doesn’t sustain them and that’s then why they have to devalue you because the negative fuel is more potent. (Especially crying and anger towards them)
      That’s all they want at end of the day…. fuel! They don’t love you, they love the fuel.

      Read the book…. Fuel!

    3. anm says:

      Carolyn, read hg article Jealous Of Your Contentment

  7. NarcMagnet says:

    “Just leave him” are words I have heard from everyone around me at one point or another. I wish it were so simple .
    They don’t understand why I can’t just walk away, the fear of repercussion. The fact that another person holds so much power over you they could utterly obliterate you is a terrifying thing. The part that is even more horrifying is that the person holding that power lacks empathy, and would let you go unscathed only by their grace.
    That’s not the worst of it. The yoke of guilt I bear for & because of him is enormous. I know if I left I would be crawling back again. It’s no longer an “addiction” so much as a responsibility to him which he has instilled in me.
    Worse yet, if I did leave, where would I go? There is no where left to turn. I am beyond isolated. I literally could pack a bag, take the money I’ve stashed and walk out right this moment , but where to? It’s not solely a physical isolation. There are physical places I could go, but an emotional isolation . He has stripped me, gradually destroyed who I was, and rebuilt me in his own image. His “legacy”, as he was unable to have any children of his own. I can’t trust anyone, not him, especially not myself .
    There is much those who say “just leave him ” will never understand, like the way he turns me against myself. The way I hate him, but can’t be without him, because who am I now without him? I hate myself because I am too weak to break the chains, because he does hate weakness after all…
    However, I am learning. I am done mourning who I Was.I am learning how to become better at being him than he is. I don’t know if these are latent traits or learned /adaptive ones, but if it is to be survival of the fittest, I will survive. I will adapt and overcome. I will make sure I am the last victim he claims .

    1. Morning sun says:

      Narc Magnet, leaving is not impossible, but it may come with a heavy price tag, depending on how entwined your lives are.
      But people can and do leave in the middle of the night with a single suitcase, move to another state or country, start over… It’s us who construct the cage and maintain it, not them.

      I respect that you have your own ways of coping, like deciding that you’ll save others from him by sticking around, but that is really all it is – a way of coping, a way of justifying your decision to yourself.

      I don’t judge, it is your life and your reality after all, as mine is mine.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Morning Sun

        I agree with your assessment. They obliterate you while they ARE there so that is no excuse and I would rather suffer escaping. In fact I said that to my mother when I was young. I asked if we could leave and go to another town or a shelter because it would be better than the way we were living. She replied that it would be too hard, I didnt understand, and that he would find us and she didnt know what he might do. I told her I would rather die trying. Thats not a conversation any pre-teen should be having with an adult. She made excuses. We stayed. Then she left when we were all damaged and gone and there was no one there to run interference for her. It IS possible but one has to stop making excuses and want it.

      2. NarcMagnet says:

        You misunderstand what I mean, which is understandable sincerely I was a bit vague.
        Right now I am in a professional situation that requires me to grin & bear it for awhile longer. Once the situation is resolved I do intend on leaving.
        However, I have a parting gift for him: mass public exposure. When I’m done he will be destroyed professionally and personally. I’m not quite sure that it’s enough to have him sent to prison, but it’s certainly enough to ensure that anyone with morals will avoid him.
        The best part is that in “taking lessons ” from him I’ve found a way to cover my tracks so he won’t know it’s me, and I will be able to walk away because of what I have to expose him with.
        I recently have been able to articulate exactly what I’ve been going through, and I was venting my frustration at myself and him and the whole mess…
        Oddly enough he has decided now would be a good time to reinstate a golden period. I’m playing along, but I think he senses that I’m far less than enthralled…

      3. WhoCares says:

        NarcMagnet,

        “Right now I am in a professional situation that requires me to grin & bear it for awhile longer. Once the situation is resolved I do intend on leaving.”

        I’m so happy to see that your previous comment didn’t reflect all of what you’re currently in the midst of – and that you’re making your way towards leaving. Best wishes.

    2. WhoCares says:

      “the fear of repercussion”

      Four simple words.
      Narc Magnet – I’m having such as visceral reaction to your words that it is difficult to write this.

      It is a very personal decision to leave; no one can truely advise you. There are some general guidelines like a ‘safety plan’ etc…(women’s shelter or domestic abuse hotlines will advise you of such things – you should avail yourself of those things if you haven’t already.)

      Oh, the fear, yes.
      I escaped when my ex took himself out of the picture, making me think he was doing the ‘leaving.’ (It was now what I understand as an absent silent treatment.)

      I had packed a few things secretly when I realized the situation couldn’t possibly get any crazier – and I was aware he was gradually beginning to lose control of his anger.

      I left on my own two feet (no access to a vehicle) in very inclement weather conditions, from an isolated area with a lot of difficult terrain between me and ‘safety.’ (I won’t tell you the length of the walk it would have been on foot – because of the ‘repercussions’ of people deeming me as the crazy one.)

      I have never been one to place much value on outwards signs of success or prestige…so perhaps it was a simpler decision for me than for some to just leave stuff behind.

      I wasn’t really sure what I was going eat or where exactly I would sleep that night. I have never attempted hitchhiking in my life, but I would have that day. It literally was like just putting one foot in front of the other, not knowing how things would work out…I could have passed out…a passerby could have taken advantage of me…any number of things could have happened.

      I did, eventually, accept assistance from a virtual stranger and get to place of safety…

      By the time I realized the level of danger I was in – I felt so culpable with regard to my situation that I couldn’t possibly see how anyone could understand and that was why I didn’t ask for help so I didn’t have to explain to someone – and instead engaged in a risky decision because I had to figure a way out myself. Yes, I was confronted with unknown fears and dangers – but I was leaving behind a known danger.

      I’m still hesitating posting this comment because of fear of repercussion or judgement.
      But, repeatedly now, in confronting my fears I have learned that no one can judge me more harshly than I have judged myself.

      1. Michelle says:

        Just on your comment about judging yourself “who cares”…. i understand that…. oh yes! Nobody beats ourselves up more than we do. We are our own worst enemies at times.
        Maybe this is what the Narc plays on or manipulates.

      2. Kim says:

        This has brought me to tears. The terror I can feel in your story. I am sorry you went thru this and in awe of you at the same time.
        Make me feel so weak that I do not even have the courage to go NC
        Thank you for sharing

      3. WhoCares says:

        Michelle,

        I appreciate your comment and your observations.

        Thank-you

      4. NarcAngel says:

        WhoCares
        I dont know how anyone could pass judgement on someone brave enough to face those things in order to regain their own life (and alone) unless Bravo is considered a judgement.

      5. WhoCares says:

        Kim – (I’m guessing that your comment was directed at me; thank-you…’no contact’ is challenging for me as well, only not for reasons entirely within my control)

        Just to clarify my pov: I did not share that post to say ‘look what I went up against’ in escaping. It was more to emphasize the barriers in our minds (not the physical or practical barriers I described). My situation at the time would not have been what is was – if it were not for obstacles I had set for myself; as in believing what I *thought* would others would think of me. As soon as I stopped buying into that, my decision was very simple.

        And at the time, my fear of remaining with my ex was greater than anything I could imagine being ahead of me. It really came done to that simple equation.

        I had a window of opportunity to leave, and I did.

        I agree with both NarcAngel and Morning Sun:

        “It’s us who construct the cage and maintain it, not them.”

        ” They obliterate you while they ARE there so that is no excuse and I would rather suffer escaping.”

      6. Quasi says:

        Who cares,

        Every single word you have spoken in your comment highlights bravery/ courage, self reflection, and gumption… What you have spoken of would not incite judgment, it will incite respect and acknowledgment of the very difficult and traumatic times you have been through and survived!

        I’m with you on the no one will judge me more then I have judged myself ! I believe that statement was in my first ever comment on the blog …

        Judgement is viewed in a negative way, so let’s say forming an opinion.
        My opinion of you is that you have supported many here, you have demonstrated kindness and understanding, and you have given great advise. You have demonstrated a beautiful soul.
        That is the kind of thing that leaves an impression on people… and it is an incredibly positive one!

      7. WhoCares says:

        “That is the kind of thing that leaves an impression on people… and it is an incredibly positive one!”

        Thank-you Quasi for your thoughtful words and taking the time to share your opinion. I have benefited so much from people being upfront here and reflecting on their words has helped me sort out a lot things. If, in return, my comments or sharing my experience benefits someone else – I’m happy to share and contribute.

        I think reading your feedback helped me realize that sometimes we are projecting the same (our internal dialogue) into the responses of the people around us. We read or expect judgement that may not actually be there…Personally, I know I should care less what people around me think, because I know my own truth, but it is so easy to fall into old ruts or patterns of behaviours.

        We absolutely have to stop beating ourselves up (as HG has emphasized; we are not at fault, we were targeted – despite whatever amount of fault we want to accept for that, if any – we can’t possibly own all of it).

      8. Quasi says:

        Hi who cares,

        Your comments and your shared experiences have definitely benefited me.

        I completely agree with you, through my time here I have projected my internal judgement of myself – my guilt. Foreseeing that others may also read my words and think, that’s nothing, or what a horrible woman for being unfaithful to her husband.
        We are our harshest critics!

        I feel that internal judgement a lot less, purely through the exposure of all of my experiences, sharing on the blog.

        At the end of your comment you refer to beating ourselves up and fault. Again I am in agreement with you in part. There’s needs to be a balance like with anything.

        It may be purely related to my situation and minor role in the fuel matrix for the narcissist, but I refuse to place all blame with him.
        This is as always about the perspective/ lens. And this will be different for everyone. Everyone’s perspective will fit how they need to view the world to make sense of it, and to tolerate the massive beat downs that just being, can give them.

        My lens can change and adapt, allowing lots of different perspectives in to the view, to try my best in achieving the most wise understanding of a situation I can muster!

        I undertook an extensive psychoanalytical approach to myself, with the deepest level of accurate self reflection I could manage.

        Through this I identified every choice, decision, action that I took in free will. I identified the duplicity of my own mind, the conflicting thoughts that were apart of ET and rational mind, even back then.
        I identified the very dark streak that took the lead in some decisions( this was aided totally by HG and the information he has provided, it made me think and reflect, as all good teaching should).

        I identified every bit of me that knew to some level what was going on and chose to ignore, or keep on at it because “I wanted this friend in my life” “I wanted him to be in my world in the way I wanted him, the role I had created for him.”

        My lens did not view this as self flagellating, it viewed this as being the most honest I have ever been with myself in my life time.

        My lens wants to take responsibility and accountability for my role, my part to play, my choices, my decisions.

        He did target me, he did manipulate me, his manipulations influenced me in my choices but they did not make them.
        I do not accept responsibility for his actions, the way he chose to interact with me, what he did to me- they are his responsibility ( not that he would view it that way). But I do take responsibility for my own. This does not make me feel shame or particularly negative feelings, taking responsibility for myself , owning my choices feels empowering.

        Again this is my very individual view of my individual situation, and what helped me get to where I am now.

        In my view and situation, If i was to blame him for everything, so nothing was my fault, he has all the power and control. To my mind blaming him in totality says to him – you have so much power over me that you made me do all those things, you made me do it, I can’t think for myself. ( I know that’s extreme but you know what I mean) it would make me a victim, I’m not a fan of that terminology, I try not to use it. It makes us weak, in my mind.

        I am aware that this may go against HG’s view, but I have noted that he does enable alternative views on the blog for contrast and balance. This is his discretion as moderator. I am aware that my view may not be shared and I do not expect it to be. It is just an expression of thought and my perspective.
        It is with good intent and absolute honesty that I share this comment.

        Thank you again who cares, I value your feedback and the conversation we have had.

    3. Persephone In Sunlight says:

      NarcMagnet,

      ‘I will make sure I am the last victim he claims .’
      I thought this, too. I found out after the fact, that I saved NO ONE else from him.There were so many other victims, in so many other of his compartments.

      Perse

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