A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 49
Dear Mr. Mediocre,
Oh, come on now – let’s stop pretending you’re offended by the way I addressed you. I mean, after all that is in fact what you strived for. I must admit it continues to baffle me. For someone as intelligent as myself I never could wrap my mind around the idea that someone would strive to be average and actually be content coasting toward a whole bunch of nothingness.
When I first met you I thought you could be special. Little did I know just how disappointing you would turn out to be – but at one point I saw something in you that caught my attention. Let me add that it is extremely difficult to catch my attention. Well, you were weird and I was on the hunt for something new and exciting to become fixated on. That reptilian stare gets me every time doesn’t it? I know it gets you too. I mean after all you were mesmerized by those big green eyes that were full of intensity and made you feel as if you mattered. I hunted you down. I chose you. Oh at first you lapped it all up. You lived for the high I gave you. It was entertaining to watch you play all coy with me. I even thought it was cute how you would take different routes around the building just so you could get a glimpse of me. You even started to keep deodorant in your desk. I know how you would wait in anticipation on certain days when you knew I would be around – hoping… that I would come by your room and grace you with my presence. Remember when I used to hide notes under your car handle and how excited you were to find them?
You were completely entranced and taken with me …but were hesitant to give into me. You questioned my motives and even insinuated that I was a “man-eater”.
Well, I figure there’s no point in keeping that charade up any longer because after all we aren’t playing a game anymore. Since I’m not seducing you lets keep this direct and simple. You don’t deserve anything flowery or poetic. I told you everything you wanted to hear. I reflected back the perfect partner – so much so that I actually almost believed it. I was so generous I even let you feel as though you were in control. In the haze of infatuation I actually believed I could make those sacrifices because I would get everything I wanted in return and more. I tried to be myself, I really did but you wouldn’t allow it. You constantly rejected it as if you were above me when I was the one who was doing a favor by dating you. I was the unique one. I was the charismatic, charming, intelligent, beautiful one out of the both of us. Sadly, you are dumber than I thought.
You really are beneath me. How could you not have enough sense to recognize that I am the best you will ever have in your life? I recognize now you can’t help the fact that you are so simple minded – or a “simple tool” as your mother called you. You would have been content with a peasant because you are a peasant. To add insult to injury you are a closeted homosexual. Now, I had a feeling you were bisexual since I spied on many of the things you did. I was okay with that. I could have accepted you if you had just allowed me to be myself and appreciated the greatness that was right in front of you. You just had to shove your common – average – boring – insipid ideas and traits on me and couldn’t bring a single thing to the table. I was under the impression if I kept giving you what you wanted I’d get what I wanted but as usual you fucked up and couldn’t do anything I asked of you. It’s pathetic really. You couldn’t even fake anything properly. You should have been proud of the fact I not only had my masters but I achieved my doctorate and even managed to get published while dealing with your theatrics. I am a reflection of you – you idiot. You should have been happy to brag about me. You never respected me – even in regards to my profession. It’s confusing because I was the one who had the people skills that saved you every single time you got sloppy and made yourself look like the loser you really are.
You really weren’t good for anything Other than getting on your knees and servicing me. Try not to get a hard on from that line. I know how much you love it when I make you feel like the loser you are. You don’t get to get away with all of the whining and pushing weird sexual shit on me – basically making me feel as though I were a prostitute – no. You now have to sit there and listen to me calmly tell you what a nobody you really are. I’m doing you a favor. You should know the truth about yourself.
Did you honestly believe I didn’t know the majority of the bullshit you pulled? I loved toying with you. It was hilarious puppetting you around. You never knew how to handle me. The look of panic on your face was priceless when I would drop hints I knew you were hiding things from me.
You never met my friends and didn’t know about the existence of many of them. You thought I didn’t have any. The truth is that you would just make me look bad. You wouldn’t even try to engage anyone in conversation because you have absolutely nothing to contribute other than sports statistics, beer, and your extensive knowledge on big dick dating websites, small penis humiliation, and bareback tranny porn. It evades me what I ever saw in you.
Things aren’t always what they seem. I’m the most honest liar you will ever meet. You never knew me. We were both strangers parading around as if we were in a relationship. I even fed you lies at times to see if you would betray me and you did. You never had my back. I couldn’t tell you anything. You were a Benedict piece of shit through and through. I’m beginning to get bored writing this letter. That is how much you don’t stimulate me. I figured I’d be kind enough to give you some closure since I basically vanished from your life because I just didn’t care enough to provide you with any real explanation.
I’ll never tell you all the things I know about you. What’s the fun in that? It’s so much more exciting when everyone knows but you.
I sleep easy knowing that I don’t have to do anything to destroy you. You do the work for me. You aren’t worth the energy – that would require me to care and I just don’t. Its unfortunate for me that I wont ever get the pleasure of seeing you crumble as I say all of these words to you in that apathetic and condescending tone you despise so much. No need for anymore words. I have nothing left to say. I still stand by my silence. That was the best way to deal with you. I had to remind you that you don’t matter and I did.
Never yours,
Dr. H. Q. Somebody
43 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 49”
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What I love in this letter is the reframing of victimization. No matter if the writer is narcissistic (I don’t believe it) or BPD (I don’t know much about BPD).
I believe that to reframe a situation in such a way that it gives you back the power to handle it effectively, is a way to move forward. It can help tremendously in a healing process. I did read this letter with this idea in mind.
People learn in a variety of ways to deal with situations and I learnt that this one is particularly helpful to me. Thank you again dr HQ, for the inspiration.
SHesaw,
That’s exactly what I did and I glad you could see through it. I’m glad I could be helpful in some way. I hope you are doing well.
HG – you’re the only Narcissist I don’t mind conversing with and that’s because you help myself and many others to understand you and your Kind 🙂
I think she was borderline. And borderline’s do have some narc-like traits…. so does that mean people like me should not be in here do you think HG?
Hi Tigerchelle78,
Even though your question was directed at HG, I’d just like to say that we are all here to learn and to share and of course, that includes you too Tigerchelle78. I don’t think there’s any reason for you to feel like you should or shouldn’t be here. I think the door is open for anyone who feels that the information resonates with them or they want to gain the knowledge and understanding that’s presented here.
Recently, I’ve been reading about borderline personalities and it interests me quite a lot. I can see some aspects that resonate in my own case too. I sometimes feel an inner emptiness, and I also find it hard to access my “self” and to assert boundaries, especially in situations where I feel easily overwhelmed. I can shift very quickly from black and white thinking to having a more open reaction, and many times these mood swings happen so quickly I’m not even aware of them. Having said that though, I’ve never been particularly reckless or a risk-taker, and I have never self-harmed. So, I’m not so sure it’s easy or helpful to put finite labels on people.
I have read that research shows that, as children, borderlines were exposed to a lot of emotional invalidation. If a child is genetically more of an emotional person, I can see why an atmosphere of invalidation would cause both kinds of empathic and narcissistic symptoms that borderlines have.
Yes I was exposed to a lot of this.
Tigerchelle,
I’m not a borderline. I have many borderline friends though. I’m ADHD and have Oppositional Defiant Disorder. That is probably why people jump to the incorrect conclusion that I’m a narcissist. If people familiarized themselves with ODD they might start to see the pattern. ODD is not just a disorder of childhood – many people think that.
Dr Harleen Quinzel,
Hi, I’ve not heard of ODD. But I have ADHD. You are no doubt familiar with borderline then from your friends. Are you a real doctor?
People jump to the conclusion that I’m a narcissist also, which is kinda funny in some respects, because you cannot know someone even from many comments in a group. You can certainly get a feel for someone. But that’s no definate proof, its just a person’s opinion and from what they judge it on.
My moods are always changing, and I’m inconsistent, having BPD, and often I can come across (at least through the written word) in certain ways, like a bit over confident and in your face, and then another time ill be more sheepish, and then another time perhaps more worried and concerned.
In here I’ve also felt many are very narc-like in their attitudes, and by what they say. We all have narc traits. Some more than others. Borderlines are and can be narcissistic. That doesn’t however make us a full blown Narcissist, and far from it.
People will always say and believe what they want to. You cannot stop them. You just let them get on with it.
If people familiarized themselves with BPD more, they would know that although Cluster B, it is very different to NPD. But then people are only here to learn about the narcissistic dynamic, and so anything that they feel remotely matches narc-like behaviour then the red flags will go up.
Many of these illnesses can have overlapping symptoms.
Like many empaths in here, I can dim my empathic traits down, so that you would definitely think I was a narc. I can go supernova on someone, but cannot stay like it. Narcs can.
I can manipulate, play mind games, be passive aggressive, project, blame shift, whatever, I mean most of us can, and if you’ve had any experience with narcs over a period of time, you can’t help but pick up their ways, if only to try to beat them at their own stupid games. We’ve all done it. So to call anyone a narc in here, I do think is a bit childish.
I’ve been brought up in the narc-hood, as both my parents were narcissistic for sure, so it pretty much comes second nature. My father could well have been a narc.
Its nice to meet you Dr.
Doc HQ…
Ah I remember this letter! I will never forget her calling my Saint Piano Narc a peasant. She said a lot of other hilarious things to me too.
Whether she is a Narc or not, she is missed around here!
Nope! HQ isn’t missed around here. This isn’t a page for narcs. Or at least it shouldn’t be.
Save for the best of the best of course, Survivor.
I found some of the advice she gave to be helpful. Both her and Jenna. I think I recall Jenna sharing that she is a borderline too. Borderlines aren’t as awful as narcs are. Are they? 🤔🤷♀️
Fuel on the shelf,
I hope all is well. I missed you too. I cane bacn to the site about a week ago – so yeah it’s been since like maybe December 2017 since ive been on the site. Oh and your narcissist is still a peasant lol.
Doc HQ.
I could write you a fucking book about the “peasant” since you’ve last been here. But I won’t. It’s good to see you popping back in to say hi though!
Fuel on the Shelf,
LOL! Remind him of the loser he is and disappear on his ass lol.
It’s all so beneath you. The truth is this – I’m gonna reality check you right now in the most loving way possible lol…
THE WIFE IS MISERABLE AT HOME LOL! YOU WOULD BE SOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOoo unhappy if you were with him. You would be so damn bored and unfulfilled. He is a straight up lie – anything and everything you like/liked about him was just an illusion. You are attached to an idea of someone that doesn’t exist.
Doc HQ….
His wife is expecting Baby #2 next month! So surely things seem sunny in paradise, no? I mean I was told they hardly ever have sex and when they do it is so difficult for him to climax because he feels so guilty. LOL. Yet they are baby making!
The preliminary warning I got before he began ghosting me (almost 3 weeks ago) was that as soon as the baby was born he would have “no free time at all”. Every minute of his day would be spent either at work or with the baby.
But yeah it is almost 3 weeks since we’ve spoken. I guess it’s better than calling every day like I was doing. As hard as it has been I have not reached out.
Set that piano on fire!
I dont think Dr HQ is a narcissist but i had wondered if she may have bpd. I dont say that in a negative way bc i really like her and her posts. She can be very caring and has helped many. Im not a therapist so i cant say for sure its just a few things ive seen in this letter and prior posts.
I did wonder why she was drawn to psychopaths and have commented about it to her in the past. It seemed like she didnt feel she deserved a normal loving relationship and felt bored with anything that wasnt of an abusive or narcissistic dynamic. Almost like a protective way to guard oneself from a relationship that could become something substantial. Self sabatoging.
So many victims fall into this trap with narcissism where weve reached those adrenaline highs and coming back down to normal seems flat and unfullfilling and thats where the addiction lays.
Dr. Hq i have a lot of admiration for bc shes shared very openly her experiences and has showed compassion and empathy so no she is not a narcissist but possibly theres more to this letter and thats where learning from each other is very beneficial.
I wish her the best and hope she posts again.
Thank you for your comment Chihuahuamum.
I enjoy reading your comments. I often find them to be very grounded, thoughtful and consistently insightful. For some reason, whenever I read your comments, I feel like I’m brought back to a more centred, calm and open state of mind. Thank you for that.
And yes, I can also see from reading Dr HQ’s letter, that there are things left unsaid hiding beneath the cutting bravado. I remember reading Dr HQ’s comments as well, about a year ago. At the time, I thought they were unusually observant and I learned a lot from them. I hope she posts again too and I hope she is well.
We all have some narcissistic traits and they vary in number and degree. You can have them and still be an empath. Narcissists have zero empathy. This is the deciding factor for me. If you detect any TRUE empathy at any time that person is not a narcissist (yes I know they can fake it but usually your gut will tell you).
I believe when this letter was first published in Nov/17 that DR HQ commented that she wrote it through the narcissistic lens and somewhere else or in the same comment (I cant remember and there were a lot of comments) that she had written another letter in addition. Perhaps that was through a different lens and showed another side but I dont know. If you read HGs articles on The Super Empath and the Supernova they may explain some things and help people to decide. Or not.
I think that’s true Narc Angel. We all have narcissistic traits that vary. I think our narcissistic and empathic traits also appear in various forms and in either higher or lower intensity at different times or because of different situations, or due to different states of health we may be in. I have noticed that about myself anyway.
On this blog, I’ve noticed that ANY narcissistic traits seem to be generally frowned upon. I have done this too, so I’m not accusing anyone. I’m just making an observation.
I think the malignant and very harmful nature of what true narcissists do has the effect of making people automatically doubtful or critical of ALL narcissistic traits. It’s a form of black and white thinking – i.e. people with NPD are manipulative, deceptive and cruel, therefore all narcissistic traits must be negative.
Learning about narcissism and thinking about it for a while now, has made me question my own narcissistic traits at times. For example, if I’m on the road and irritated by a driver in front of me who’s going too slowly for my liking, or if I arrogantly think that I could do something more efficiently at work than someone else, or if I start blaming the world at large for something or other that I should have planned better for etc. At these times, I start thinking, am I narcissistic? But then I remember that I have never even thought about gaslighting someone or manipulating someone’s emotions for my own gain, so no, I’m definitely not a narcissist. It’s just that some personality traits can be narcissistic at certain times. I think this is fairly normal.
I think a victim’s thoughts and judgements can also be very different depending on the point they’re at in their recovery phase after they’ve learned they’ve been burned by a “real” narc and why. After some time has passed, the hurt and anger isn’t as raw and the victim is more capable of reflecting on the many nuances and perspectives of “narcissism”.
Hi wisernow…ty for the sweet compliments i feel the same way about your posts and others here. I learn so much from them and see things from different perspectives whether i may agree or not.
I found Dr. Hq’s posts very helpful in a lot of ways as well.
I wanted to point out that just bc someones a therapist or psychologist doesnt mean they are perfect or dont have areas in their lives they need to work on. In fact many of the best therapists go to a therapist themselves bc if they cant see it in themselves what they need to improve on how can they help others who may have the same issues.
I totally agree Chihuahuamum. A qualification or even years of experience don’t necessarily mean a person knows everything or has their own life completely sorted out. Learning is a lifelong thing.
Narc Angel
Dr. HQ did state this was written from a narcissistic lens and stated she wrote another.
I agree about everyone having some degree of narc traits but there are some(not referring to Dr.Hq) that have very strong narc traits and many of them to the point it doesnt matter that they are capable of empathy they are more toxic than they are good in dealing with people. That is a lesson im learning that a person doesnt have to be a diagnosed narcissist to be toxic in my life. I dont need to know if they are or arent i just need to know how they make me feel and how they impact my life. Also this super empath term i dont think is one of these said individuals.
When i decide i dont want someone in my life or im limiting exposure they dont need to be a narcissist. I go by their actions and what they stand for.
You make some very good points Chihuahuamum. The effects of other people’s behaviour on us is so important. The situation, closeness of the person and type of relationship all count in how we feel after interacting with them.
I’m beginning to understand that more and more. I think that’s why awareness and constant mindfulness of our own instinctive emotional reactions is very important. The more we know about ourselves and our own behaviours, the more we can be aware of how other people’s behaviour makes us think and feel.
In general, it doesn’t matter what “label” a person has in relation to their personality or thought processes. It’s their effect on us – on our beliefs, behaviour and our own well-being – that is important.
No.
I think this letter shows that once she knew who he was and what his vile games where, then she played along with narcissistic behaviour..
i feel that she was very upset because of the
lack of respect and appreciation that she got in return… as this actually happens, as we all know, and narcissists will actually eventually devalue who we are, when at first we were put on a pedestal .. therefore her reaction is not totally narcissistic…
i’m finding myself a bit in the same situation …
but i know that i am not a narcissist.. i guess when we are so bonded with one.. then narcissistic traits ( which we all have) can come to the fore .. a sort of wild vile survival of the fitter…until everything actually crumble down..
i am waiting for that.. i hope that something major will happen.. because he is not giving me a closure..
although i have been shelved for more than 3 years now…. and i cannot close it either and go no contact… because a part of me is still hanging on in what he seems to be the first few years.. hoping that he will be the same … that is delusion i know…
hell on earth …
HG any thoughts on it?
Yes StrongerWendy!
” I do like the new graphic for the website. It makes it easier to discretely sneak peaks at your posts/comments while in meetings without a huge red/orange banner that says EVIL appearing on my (rather large) phone screen.”
I did not want to be the first to say it, lol…but magnify that on a Public Library computer screen! Seriously, I’m okay with spreading the word, but may I please choose when and how!?
The new look is stylish, HG – and more subtle 🙂
This letter makes me wonder who is the narcissist. The writer wants great recognition for her education, her looks etc. It seems she was playing games in the relationship. She brags about her ability to lie. She tested the relationship feeding lies to this person to see if he would betray her. She views this person she was in the relationship with as beneath her.
I agree. No way is HQ not a Narcissist. She’s as manipulative as any other Narcissist is. So easy to spot.
Yes absolutely!
Dr. HQ!
I’ve missed your feisty comments and fascinating stories! It looks like this letter is a re-post from November. Are you still reading HG’s blog?
MAry,
Just started like a week ago – I’m back lol. Xo
Hi Doc! Glad to see you have returned.
I love this letter! Thank you dr. H.Q. You just handed me the document to help me through my weaker moments.
‘I have nothing left to say. I still stand by my silence. That was the best way to deal with you.’ It was. It will be.
Amazing…This echos what I feel….really loved it!!!
I like the new intro for the website.
Thank you.
I do like the new graphic for the website. It makes it easier to discretely sneak peaks at your posts/comments while in meetings without a huge red/orange banner that says EVIL appearing on my (rather large) phone screen. 🙂
I like the new intro picture.
I’m sorry, who’s the narcissist??
I must admit Lisa, that’s what I thought reading this letter too. It made me feel sorry for the so-called narcissist… lol 🙂
No wonder these two didn’t stay together. There would have been a complete fuel shortage in the room. The walls would have been starting to bend inwards from the sheer suction power of the fuel vacuum around them ha ha 😀
Agree WN. 🙄
Just what I was thinking!