Ten Tells of Triangulation




Triangulation is a staple manipulative device in our arsenal. Triangulation is a convenient way to describe an affair, having a bit on the side, flirting, playing away, investing in a new prospect, having a form of distraction, a plaything and so on. The reality is that triangulation offends the principles of why two people are in a relationship and is a method of manipulation which is used to gain fuel, cause confusion and exert control. The principle reason that we engage in it is because we are able to derive two sources of fuel from two different appliances. Sometimes the fuel is doubly positive and others both positive and negative. This is edifying and invigorating. You may be triangulated with a person or an object. There may be triangles operating within triangles. Triangulation provides fuel but also allows us to generate confusion and engage in distraction tactics whereby you and the other person attack one another, failing to realise (or perhaps not wanting to be seen to realise for fear of being regarded as losing out) that is us that has caused the triangulation. Usually you will not be aware that you are being triangulated with the other person. It is easier to keep you and the other person separated and we enjoy our time with them and then our time with you. We draw fuel from you both and neither of you know about the other. We see no problem in behaving like this. We are never accountable; we are entitled to do as we like. We do not distinguish between you because you are just appliances to us and therefore entirely interchangeable. Before we decide to up the ante and reveal your opponent to you, thus heightening your reactions and responses, you may actually be able to ascertain that you are being triangulated as there are certain tells which exist. These are more obvious amongst the Lesser and Mid-Range of our kind as they may lack the higher function to remember things that they have done or said and occasionally slip up, thereby revealing the tell. If you confront us with this tell we will spin some yarn, persuade you that there is nothing in it, this person is a friend, there is a glitch with the ‘phone, somebody else did it, you are imagining things, you are over-reacting and in our time-honoured fashion we will deny and deflect and even go on the attack if need be in order to protect our investment in both you and the other person. If you do see these tells, do not challenge us about them. You are only giving us a chance to draw fuel from you, confuse you and worm our way out of it. If you see these tells you now know what they mean. You are being triangulated.  Here are ten of those tells.

  1. Our mobile ‘phone will have duplicate messages. We send the same message to you and the other person, often within seconds of the first message.
  2. We will buy you a duplicate gift having already given it to you a week or so ago.
  3. We will tell you something that we have already told you before, more or less word for word.
  4. We will make reference to something you said even though you have not said it (it was the other person who said it).
  5. We will make reference to something we apparently did together which you will not remember. (This is because we did it with the other person).
  6. We will call you by someone else’s name.
  7. You may hear us say things under our breath such as “She wouldn’t do this” or “she would agree to do it”.
  8. We will fail to acknowledge you doing something for us thinking it was done by the other person, for instance a surprise gift.
  9. We will remark we don’t want to do something again even though we have never done it with you. (We did it with the other person).
  10. We will ask a question which is out of context. For instance, asking how your dad is recovering when there is nothing wrong with him. (It is of course the other person’s dad who is ill).

13 thoughts on “Ten Tells of Triangulation”

  1. HG I have a question if I may?

    So my nex was triangulating me by posting about his new relationship on social media – to get a reaction from me? If so, what did he want from me? For me to break NC? To make me jealous? Thought fuel? To win me over? To punish me for rejecting him?

    Is it normal to Triangulate at the same time as sporadic hoovers?

    Obviously now I am fully NC, there is no looking what so ever because I’m 100% moving on! I’m wondering how he is thinking now because none of it worked, if anything, it’s pushed me closer to someone else.

    How do they feel when you ignore the triangulation?

    1. 1. Yes.
      2. To provoke you into providing fuel and so he unconsciously knows he has you under control.

        1. Yes, it is an unconscious and instinctive response, so the narcissist does not know why it is being done.

  2. The midranger triangulated a few times but got annoyed at my negative reaction. After that, he became very secretive. Why would he become secretive? I thought he would like the fuel involved in more triangulation?

  3. Always with the triangulation. The new IPPS of my lmr or lesser narcoholic, somatic/victim , just informed me that he tells her one of the reasons he can’t get it up for her is that the sex was so great with ME.
    ( I don’t know why he can’t get it up , he never had a problem with me, probably because he thinks she’s fat and unattractive as he once told me, but anyway… )
    I reassured her that that is abuse ,and he always used to triangulate me with his ex when I was with him. She seemed surprised at that.
    And that this is just what he does
    I reminded her what I told her once before that he’s a narcissist,and I gave her a fair warning to protect her heart. And I left it at that.

    He used to never tell me I was pretty, because according to him I was just average looking. But he would always make sure that I knew he thought his ex was adorable.
    What a fucking bastard. It really tears a piece of you away when you’re in it with a guy like that . Forever with the triangulation- with me, before me and after me

    You’d think I’d get some sort of sense of satisfaction out of this – but all it did was make it crystal clear that he never really saw me as a person anyway. Just one of the doormats.

  4. Hi HG…I’m the classic survivor as I’m researching as much as possible on the characteristics of narcissism. Since this topic is about Triangulation, I thought it appropriate to mention what’s been on my mind recently. It’s the subject I’ve only seen once in ALL of my research of this past 6 months and that is STD’s from being with a Serial Cheater/Liar.
    To my way of thinking there is another level of both the Emotional and Physical abuse. It’s the exposure to other people against our will, decisions being made for us and very high risk of Sexually Transmitted Disease and Infections. Even safe sex can’t protect against everything. Not looking for debates. Just sharing my thoughts as I continue to educate myself.

    1. Very true…. They are like rats carrying nasty diseases which they spread. Or mosquitos that suck the blood out from one person then go onto another. These STD’s cannot always be picked up. People do not always have symptoms either.
      But just like they give you a false sense of security and love. They also give you hidden things too which you only probably find out later. Or perhaps when you have kids and pass it on to them.
      Yes very evil indeed!

    2. This is ultimately why I told the IPPS, LM. I wasn’t afraid for myself but I was afraid for her. Not sure she got it, though. When someone has been married for such a long time they are largely unaware of things like STIs…

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