One Thing Leads To Another

ONETHINGLEADS TOANOTHER

So your break-up was hard and it left you wounded, the injuries both physical but mainly emotional and you have kept yourself locked away for months now. Seeking isolation as a means to address the upset that you have experienced and vowing never to date again. Your resolve has increased, with daily deliverances as to what he did mounting up as you hear about an accumulation of abhorrent actions. You decided to focus on what mattered to you and thus relationships were consigned to the back of your mind. Feeling stronger, the wounds healing yet not healed you face repeated invitations from your well-meaning friends, friends who have supported you through this unpleasant period of your life, to come out of hiding and let yourself shine once more. You agree and after extensive preparation you emerge,like a hibernating creature and join your friends in that bar that has been refurbished and is a honey pot for all the beautiful creatures.

I see you stood there at the bar. You are stood slightly apart from your friends as if seeking to preserve your personal space. I see conversation is directed your way and recognise that your friends are paying you what I would regard as an excessive level of attention as if they are repeatedly checking that you are okay. Occasionally hands touch your arm by way of reassurance and heads lean in as soft faces radiate kind expressions. I know you are being looked after. I know that you are being protected and that means you have been wounded. I scent the blood that has been spilled in your past and wait until the ‘phones are wielded to take various posed photographs. Time to approach.

I make my way to the bar and slightly turn to observe you and your friends as the photos continue. One catches my eye and I smile. She responds with her own smile and nudges her friend.

“Would you like me to take one of you all?” I ask as I move alongside you. Nods of appreciation follow and I am handed phone after phone as I commit your group photo to a digital memory. I engage in polite yet playful conversation with you all but remain focussed on your reactions. You are hesitant but laughing at my words, seemingly wanting to embrace them yet unsure as to whether you should. I pull out my own phone and take a picture of you all and then alter the focus so the lens homes in on you and you alone as I take a burst of pictures before wishing you an enjoyable evening and withdrawing to my waiting lieutenants. It is not long before a search of your image has given me your name and I am able to ascertain some of your interests from your Face book profile which include the fact that you are a keen dancer and have won several dance competitions. I do some research into dance competitions for young men and prepare my hook of having been a dancer in  my youth although a football injury put paid to my burgeoning progress. I absorb a few key elements of terminology and then make my move towards you. I flick the first domino and it begins to fall into the second.

We talk. We drink. We dance. I learn more about you. I impress judging by your friends’ responses. I secure your number and give you mine. I text courteously the next day. A dinner date is secured. The date goes well. I learn more about you, compiling my dossier about you as a follow-up date is readily agreed to. I surprise you with tickets to a ballet performance. You are delighted. The dominos keep tumbling. Your resistance evaporates. Date three is a pushover and then the dates become more frequent. I am in your house. I am in your bed. I am inside you. Three weeks becomes three months. The dominos keep tumbling as I know all about your past. I know all about your present too from my snooping. I engulf you in my world my lieutenants circling about you. I grab the wool and pull it over your supporters’ eyes, recruiting two of them into my fold. I raise you up. I draw you in. I flatter and charm.

Your time is with me. Your phone full of my love. Your weekends are filled by me. I stay at yours and you at mine. The toothbrush appears and then the overnight bag which remains in place. You wash the clothes for me and then I am there more than I am not. I disconnect those who serve no purpose from your network but you seem not to notice. Your eyes show me how enchanted you are as those dominos continue to tumble. The holidays are booked as I start to invade your future. I check your phone for you and relay messages. I read your post but you do not mind as I do it when you are busy to help you out. Naturally. The salami slices as I impose my world on you and you readily submit. I know all your friends, I know all about your work, your hobbies and your family. I am regarded as the ideal tonic after ‘him’ who we laugh about and who I know is one of my brethren but I never tell you. Your days are mapped out for you by me and you tell me often how lucky you feel. I do not disagree. I move in but keep my own house as ‘the market is not right to sell just now’. That bolthole is going nowhere. The social circle is established. You are elated. The world is offered to you and as the dominos clack clack clack you accept it all. The ring appears and you say yes. A date is set and plans are made as I give you the future. The tendrils are all around you, the fuel lines in place but of course you do not notice. I am with you, in you and around you. You sit at breakfast admiring the glinting ring on your finger as you remark.

“Do you know it is six months since we met in that bar? Who’d have thought it?”

I send you that special smile and you fail to notice my eyes blacken for an instant because you are still yet to discover that one thing leads to another.

67 thoughts on “One Thing Leads To Another

  1. Caroline says:

    Thanks for the thoughtful replies, Windstorm/Echo/Twilight~

    Your responses made me realize I’m not overreacting to this — I’m underreacting! Good to know. Thanks for the gut-check.

    It’s hard to tell online, but I’m an optimistic-natured person… so I tend to press through hard stuff and assume that better is on the way. So when my ex calls me at work to say, “I’m sorry, baby — please don’t be upset,” …even though he’s a narcissist, I’ll assume he means that he’s going to chill out. It’s taken me awhile to process that he’s not. He’s reacting in a way I haven’t seen before, so it’s a new ballgame. More than anything, I’m a little freaked out that I can’t seem to get through to him. He’s much more hardened than when I was in a relationship with him. He’d always listened to me pretty well (even if he never admitted it, he’d adapt for me, in various ways)… but now, it feels like I’m his enemy. I’m blocking his goal… which, apparently, is full access to me.

    Anyway, in honor of your legit concerns, I went to a store a bit ago to buy pepper spray. I swear they had every case design/color known to man — I spent nearly 10 minutes pondering “zebra print or sparkly pink?… pastel polka dots or shiny lime green?” lol

    So I compare the styles with the purse I’ll snap it to, with the cashier smiling as he watches me…I finally looked up at him and said, “This is silly! I’m buying pepper spray. It shouldn’t be a fashion statement. I should just get the black case, like I’m serious. Nothing says, ‘kill me now’ like a sparkly pink case, am I right?”

    He nodded while laughing. Black it is!

    So I get in my car and snap it onto my purse… and then I think: “He tells me I’m the only girl for him and that he’ll always be in love with me… and I’m buying pepper spray.”

    I started crying… for about a minute. I’m over it.

    I’m going to think over every piece of advice here, and I’ll make more changes. Thank you all. You’re very real and kind, and I appreciate the care. I’m sorry for any of you who have gone through anything similar — really, any pain or trauma experienced.

    I’m going to take this more seriously now.

    [P.S. I’ve not read all of HG’s books, and there are a few more that can help. As for a consult…I’m not ready yet to consult with him, but it’s not because of him (it’s my personal hurdle)…he’s been nothing but sweet (for a narcissist!) and very respectful of me, so I know his online consult door is always open. I know he’s helped many…that’s pretty amazing].

    1. Twilight says:

      Caroline

      Lime green or sparkly pink, that just about killed me. You are so darn cute.

      I have had two lessons with tear gas……and both were unpleasant. First one was expected the second wrong place wrong time. My son got a hold of pepper spray and sprayed my entire back, he thought it was funny, I didn’t.

      I don’t think your over or under reacting. Your processing things.

      “More than anything, I’m a little freaked out that I can’t seem to get through to him. He’s much more hardened than when I was in a relationship with him. He’d always listened to me pretty well (even if he never admitted it, he’d adapt for me, in various ways)… but now, it feels like I’m his enemy. I’m blocking his goal… which, apparently, is full access to me.”

      There is your ET speaking IMO. He was getting what he wanted so going along with you was inline with his desires not yours.If it had been you would be able to compromise now.

      This is strictly my opinion on pepper spray. Not easy access, take to much time to snap open case, pull out, point in correct direction and spray. I know for myself if I was to panic I would end up spraying myself, if I could get the thing out of the case In the time that takes one to go through all these steps one can be overtaken by someone already planning to get close. That and knowing someone is carrying a spray they will be prepared.

      Only you know yourself, if this make you feel safe there is nothing wrong with it. We all have to find what works for us. Personally I prefer peace, knowledge is best to have and not need it then to need it and not have it.

      Take care.

      1. Caroline says:

        Twilight~

        Holy Intervention, Batman — that *is* ET!

        He’s not different. He’s showing me his true self. He IS dangerous. I can’t reason with him! Major error in thinking. I can’t be friends with him either. This is who he really is WHEN HE DOESN’T GET HIS WAY. No, even more than that: THIS IS WHO HE’S ALWAYS BEEN. He’s just been able to hide it from me, because he felt more in control in the FR…and was getting all that good fuel.

        Damn scary. Until now, I really couldn’t see what you angels were so clearly seeing… because of my ET.

        Oh gawd — thank you! Epiphany, brought to me by Twilight.

        And I couldn’t stop laughing, about the pepper spray. I can see myself doing just that — spraying myself. It’s about 87% likely. Sorry I wasn’t more precise: 87.3% likely. Lol

        Time to reflect and re-jig myself.

        Next steps:
        1) Test the pepper spray… but don’t plan to actually use it. It looks fierce on your purse, so there’s always that.

        2) Read the next HG book on your list because you’ve temporarily lost *your* fierceness…the energy it’s taken to deal with this maniac for so long has depleted it and has clouded your logic, which is typically a strength of yours. Get it back. You’re vulnerable.

        3) Get a grip on the harsh reality of your situation. Yes, it’s true — you’re the kind of person where bluebirds would land on your shoulders — but you’ve got a NARCISSIST on your tail, so let’s keep the eyes wide open. You’re (mutant-worthy) forgiving and optimistic. That’s not changing, nor do you want it to…but try to remember what you’re dealing with here before you’re a lamb to the slaughter.

        4) Get your journal out and write truths about who your ex really is — by highlighting every single bad behavior he has exhibited to you, *not* what he’s been saying, which has the value of a rusty tin can.

        THANK YOU is not enough…XO!

        1. Twilight says:

          Caroline

          Ok now I am uncomfortable, no thanks needed. We are all in this together. I am just thankful you didn’t become angry towards me. Enough of that has been swirling around this place recently. Regardless of my understanding the why, not every one actually wants help to move forward. That saddens me to my core. Wounds are the reasons for this anger, I feel them like they are mine.

          Enough of me. Journaling helps, you will start to see a pattern and you will also be able to see the dots connect with HGs work. This may also help with the desire to actually interact with him because you maybe able to start to see your own emotional thinking kicking in.

          I would get comfortable with pepper spray, I can promise it is an unpleasant experience. I just can’t get this image of sweet Caroline with this pink sparkly pepper spray case flying into action. He may get you on that one to, being all angry and cute at the same time. At least it is for me to be told I am cute all angry, it makes me stop and “see” myself then I have to laugh.

          Take care! 🤗

          1. Caroline says:

            Twilight~

            Aw, no way would I ever be angry at you for your thoughtful help, doll! It’s not the empath I am… I’m not defensive by nature — I truly want to learn + grow + be my healthiest self, to pass along the love. I’m a very joyful, playful little empath~inwardly secure/content~so I’m totally open to other’s insights, and I value them…it’s rare that I get angry, and certainly not over someone trying to help me. No worries at all. XO!

            But I do hear you on the rather contentious vibe coming off the blog. The narcissist and I didn’t snarl/quarrel back and forth at each other like that in the 3 years I was with him! Dang people, don’t make me miss my ex-narc.

            P.S. I’m going to practice with my pepper spray like a Charlie’s Angel — oh yeah — strike a pose — bam — nailed it! (Not gonna look too sexy if I spray myself in the eye and fall to the ground though, lol).

          2. Twilight says:

            Caroline

            I am with you on the rarely getting angry.

            You made me laugh on the Charlie’s Angel with the pepper spray. I would say HGs Angel due to the subject at hand and the fact we have only heard his voice through a speaker.

          3. Caroline says:

            I haven’t even heard his voice… oh, wait. I did once, with that “Hush” recording posted here (which relaxed me — how weird is that?!).

            “HG’s Angels”… that’s funny. Except I’m too mischievous to be 100% angel!

  2. Caroline says:

    Windstorm, Lynn and Echo,

    Thank you all for your sweet, supportive, insightful comments. Reading them woke me up. It made me realize I’ve gotten to the point where I’m (essentially) negotiating with my kidnapper…

    I do have a wonderful and full life, but it would probably freak you guys out to know what the narcissist is putting me through. The very worst part is that he’s involved other people I care about, which is killing me because I’m so protective…suffice it to say that he has infiltrated several areas of my life. I’m continually looking over my shoulder until the next time he shows up. I’ve never heard him as furious as he is lately. He just cannot believe/accept I will not see him, and it’s taken an especially sexually aggressive tone with what he’s verbalizing, which has shocked me, because he’s never been like that with me… enough said. I really can’t stand worrying loving empaths.

    So yes, Caroline, that’s the perfect ex-BF to try to be friends with — super idea!…No, just no. I know I’m trying to placate him/make this stop. I truly am hurt that he can’t see the value of being friends and stop himself from treating me like this. I feel like he’s coming unglued, and though he’s a narcissist, he’s typically quite calm, cool and collected. He’s an Elite, either an UMR or Greater… I was pretty bold a few times about hinting at his narcissism, and he didn’t react to what I said about that at all, like it didn’t even bother him that I know. It’s almost too much for me to absorb.

    What a mess…I was going to say “What a pickle,” but that makes it sound cute — and this really isn’t. All this said, it will be fine. I don’t know how..but in the end, I always manage to figure out what to do. This is just taking me more time than I ever thought it would. It’s been wearing me out lately.

    Thanks so much for all your sweet, caring comments. It really helped, more than you know. Totally funny that I’m imploding on the “One Thing Leads to Another” thread…

    Didn’t you all know? I’m just here as an object lesson for the thread’s theme… yeah, let’s go with that, Lol!;-)

    [I’m off to work now, where I’ll be checking underneath my car — coming and going. Pretty sad state of affairs. On the plus side, I found a co-worker’s missing makeup bag for her the other day, lol].

    1. windstorm says:

      Caroline
      That’s sounds rather scary and disturbing. I’ve never had one really harass me. I can’t imagine feeling I had to check under my car each time I got in it. I’ve been sitting here trying to think of what I would do in that situation.

      I think I’d have warned everyone around me that he seemed unhinged and I was afraid of what he might do (including all my friends, family, my employer, therapist and at least one lawyer). I’d probably keep a log of every call, every meeting, every Interaction, writing down the exact words he used and dating the entries. I’d probably also never be more than 3 feet from a loaded handgun and make sure everyone knew that (someone I had told about him would surely have recommended it. I’d be sure to broadcast I was armed because I’d been advised to be).

      Also I would seek the advice of my family narcissists. They tend to be naturally suspicious and territorial. If I was lucky, one of them would warn him off. My exhusband is very good at intimidating potentially dangerous people. He has a way of striking fear into the hearts of other narcissists by broadcasting an almost insane certainty that he will destroy/kill them if he encounters them again. Thanks be to God that has never been directed towards me.

      One thing I feel certain about is that I would NOT try to be friends with him. I would not talk to him at all. Anyone who tries to intimidate or scare me gets cut off – that’s a hard and fast rule. That’s the death knell for any relationship with me. If I wanted to let him know something, I’d tell it to someone else I knew he’d hear it from. There’s always gossipy people who will spread what they’ve heard without being asked.

      But that’s just surmise about what I would do. You have to do what fits in your situation. I’d suggest you get HGs input on how you should handle him, what you should and should not do. Then follow his advice. Only a greater narcissist can really understand and know how to handle other narcs.

      Going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck and stay strong!

    2. Twilight says:

      Caroline

      Hang in there. I understand what you are going through.
      My ex still speaks to me (it has been almost 4 yrs), he did such a couple of days ago.
      He leaves very subtle messages, if I was to describe the things he has done many would say It is in my head or I am overthinking things.
      He has broken into my home, my vechile, calls from numbers where I work. He has taken small items that could be chalk up to misplacing them.

      I will have to say I almost contacted him to tell him what an ass he is this last time, I really was pissed. In the end I looked on my desk and saw HGs book Fuel, silence says much. I am grateful to HG for that book, twice now it has proven to keep me on the right path and not to look back.

    3. Twilight says:

      Caroline

      Sorry I was kinda rushed a bit ago.

      HG helped me deal with my ex. My ex is a Greater and the best person was HG for advice.

      I don’t speak of my time with him often, yet he put me through hell. I forgave him long ago, he is who he is. I know it is best for both of us and that is I remain as far away from him as I can.

    4. echo says:

      Keep safe, Caroline! He sounds like a particularly scary guy, who isn’t taking your needs and feelings into consideration at all. Definitely not worthy of being your friend.

      Reading HG’s books helped me learn about different techniques that might be used for stalking, surveillance, etc. Though it might have actually left me more activated (and checking under my car as well), it was very eye opening.

  3. echo says:

    Yep. It seems like whenever I feel stronger and try to venture out of my little bunny hidey hole, there’s another wolf. What can I even do about that? How do you feel safe again, especially if you never truly did in the first place?

    1. Caroline says:

      Reading your comment made me tear up, Echo… your “bunny hidey hole.”

      Well, it’s true there are wolves out there. But I’d like to gently remind you:

      1) You’re knowledgeable about the wolves. Knowledge is power. They can’t *make* you engage with them, so YOU are your biggest protector. You can trust yourself, to take care of yourself.
      2) There’s still a lot of wonderful things about life… and there are wonderful people. You don’t want to miss out on all the lovely parts of life by being in your bunny hole *too* much.

      That said, I need solitude from the chaos/maniacs sometimes too… so I understand. But remember that the more wolves you encounter, the stronger you can become.

      We need more bunnies out and about, so please come out and grace the world with your presence, whenever you can. 🙂

      1. LYNN says:

        Thank you Caroline, sometimes HG can be confusing but when I think about it he is right, although the guy did rant on about his previous narcs he did it gradually it wasn’t full on immediately and when I really thought about it neither was mine. My fella didn’t know about narcissism I’ve told him all about it and opened his eyes. I’m still nervous though, I enjoy being with someone but I’m also happy being single, there’s advantages to both, so whatever will be will be, but what won’t be is me getting hurt ever again.
        big hugs Caroline x

        1. Caroline says:

          Hey, Lynn…I think you have a really healthy attitude. It rather reminds me of a song — “Que Sera Sera” (Doris Day/”Whatever Will Be Will Be”). Let me just post that here…JK! We don’t need another song stuck in our heads.*_*

          Single or dating…absolutely~one can be joyful either way. Pros and cons. Take it slow with this new guy. As my mother likes to say, “You’ve got your head screwed on straight.” (Now I’m quoting my mother? Eek!) 😉

          XO

          1. windstorm says:

            Caroline,
            Ha, ha! Not only quoting your mother, but also my exhusband! I couldn’t count how many times he’s quoted “Que serà, serà” to me when I would want him to step in and do something about a problem instead of just standing back and watching. Lol!

          2. Caroline says:

            Holy Hells Bells! I’m on an out-of-control bad-quotes train — I’m jumping off now, Windstorm… even if I break both legs.

      2. LYNN says:

        Hi Caroline what if I suggest forget the narc as a friend and get out there and talk with people with your lovely eloquence and intelligence. You are too lovely to stay at home, share that great stuff that’s you with others and who knows who you will meet? xx
        Lots of love x

    2. windstorm says:

      Echo
      My gut feeling is we never can really feel safe. If we do, we’re fooling ourselves.

      I’m glad to be a little bunny up here in my comfortable hidey hole surrounded by big trees and clover fields. It’s a good life, but I’m always on my guard. There’s just too many creatures out there that prey on cute little bunnies. “Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty.”

      1. echo says:

        Thanks, Caroline and Windstorm. Windstorm your place sounds absolutely beautiful. A perfect place to seek out solitude. Caroline I think you’re right. I have learned a lot about spotting the wolves, much from the big Daddy wolf himself. It sounds rude, but there’s definitely some guys that I’ve learned to (try to) simply walk away from as soon as possible. Or if online, to just not even reply to in the first place. I can learn to trust my inner voice and not let my fear of displeasing others override it.

        1. Caroline says:

          Echo,

          Re: “displeasing others”…

          I understand your feelings. I can guilt myself with the best of them, feeling I’m not helping someone enough/being there for everyone (I still struggle with this with my ex-BF narcissist, despite what a maniac he’s been). But maybe some of what I’m learning along the way will speak to you…

          Since I was little, I’ve always had a strong belief that you can’t fix people. You can support, encourage, comfort, inspire and care for people — but only they can know exactly what they need and can motivate themselves to change what is in their best interests to change… if they even want to.

          So for people in your life who are authentic, you can be there for them… but having some boundaries, even for them, is also for their good. How can they really get to where they need to go if their self-discovery is cut short? That can happen, if they’re too focused on someone else’s input/help and not self-reflecting and digging deep. I truly believe that’s the only way people really make significant, positive changes — on their own accord. Support is great… but not if someone stops thinking and doing what they alone can. It’s almost like people have to want to fight for themselves. That fight empowers them to do what must be done.

          Then there’s the narcissists… as far as I can see it, the best we can do for them is be their friend, and we can only do that if they don’t try to abuse us. So it’s really important that you have boundaries with them, and I say that’s for their own good as well. You let them know what’s not okay/not right, by not enabling it… that’s being a true friend. You do them no favors letting them get away with manipulations. Maybe they can accept the code of conduct and have fairly healthy interactions with you, as a friend. But if they can’t, you don’t want to be a part of facilitating their unhealthiness…perhaps by breaking off contact, you’ll play a part in them seeking therapy someday — they’re pretty dug into their cycles, but it *can* happen. So you do your part… and that’s all you can do.

          As empaths, we tend to put the responsibility of another’s life decisions on ourselves… we try to get them to see what we feel they must, and we have a hard time accepting when they are clearly telling us by their behavior: “No, I don’t want to see…and you can’t make me.”

          No, we really can’t.

          1. windstorm says:

            Caroline
            Very wise words. I completely agree. Change has to come from within and the person has to really want the change themselves. Otherwise they will quickly give it up and go back to their old ways.

          2. Caroline says:

            That’s for darn sure, Windstorm.

            I think writing that out helped me a tad as well… I’ve been rather frustrated lately…

            The one thing I can see solving this problem with my ex-BF is being casual (talk on the phone once in awhile) friends. That would not be hard for me at all, and I can see it working, for many reasons. If you take out the crazy narcissistic “romantic relationship” pitfalls, we get along well, intellectually and humor-wise — good Ying/Yang. I’d love if we could turn this around into something positive — or at least neutral. Life is too short for this crap!

            But what’s the one thing my ex swears he’ll never be with me? Friends. WTH?? Don’t narcissists usually love that idea? It actually hurts my feelings some (I know, weird), but for me, it’s more logical… believe me, he can easily get a new IPPS, and I can be a for-real supportive friend to him. Yes, he’s a narcissist, but heck — I know this, so I know how to talk to him. I can see this working fine, but instead, this insanity loop continues. What a waste of time.

            I guess that’s why I need to take my own advice… just because being friends makes sense to me, that doesn’t mean I can convince him that it would be constructive/doable/worthwhile. Maybe I’m desperate to resolve this…I don’t know. He can still have me in his life — so why not do this?

            Who knows why he won’t even consider this… maybe because I suggested it, lol.

          3. windstorm says:

            Caroline
            I had the same problem with my Moron in Munich. Once I realized he was too screwed up for a romantic relationship, I thought, “Eh, he’d still be interesting to talk with.” I’d like someone in another country I could talk with and learn from.

            But it was not possible. He was not willing to do that. He only wanted a fantasy on-line lover to pretend it was a real relationship. That was a blow for me. I knew what he was, was willing to provide positive fuel, but he insisted on the “lover” thing. He didn’t want a friend. He didn’t want someone to talk to and discuss things with. He wanted a woman to buy into his lies and fulfill his fantasy without having to provide for any of her needs. He was like a selfish little child.

            I just couldn’t do that. I’m a very literal person. I can’t pretend things are different from reality. And even if I could have, I sure as hell wasnt going to fake his fantasy when he didn’t give a damn for any of my needs.

            Maybe you’ll have better luck with yours. I doubt it though. If he’s a midranger like my Moron, he lives in his own fantasy world and probably cant adapt to your reality.

      2. echo says:

        That makes a lot of sense, Caroline. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

        I think you’re probably spot on with your ex, when you say maybe he’s against it because you suggested it. He knows he’s still got a hold in some capacity. I swear with the narc I got entangled with, it seemed like any genuine expression of thoughts and needs got turned around to become a list of things to deny me and ways to hurt me.

  4. LYNN says:

    yes Caroline its addictive just like a narc lol

  5. Ugotit says:

    This is so true I’ve been attracting narcs like flies on shit a new one every day on another side not just had someone message me saying I’m a narc and blocking me lol

    1. LYNN says:

      Ugotit Id say they are the shits so position the fan so they fly back back to the asshole they were produced from lol

    2. Caroline says:

      LOL, girl–Where the heck are you hanging out, Ugotit?

      I don’t normally advise this simplistic quick fix, but I say you walk your sweet self by a fire station and suddenly twist your ankle… I swear that every firefighter I’ve ever known (dated one) has been sweet, normal and cuuuute. 🙂

      1. windstorm says:

        Caroline
        You’ve just lucked up with firemen, then! One of my narc brothers in law was a fireman and I’ve known a few others who were narcs as well. They’ll all be cute, gallant and somatic – I’ll agree with that! Lol!

        1. Caroline says:

          I guess I got a good batch. 🙂 Batch??…They’re not cookies, lol

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Caroline

            Lol.
            Even if they were cookies – did you date the whole bag?

          2. Caroline says:

            Yeah, NA, that was an especially busy year for me…JK! I’m being kinda naughty today. It was just the one I dated, and I was friends with the rest. 🙂

            Cuties who could cook… Firefighter Red-Hot~~ LOL~~

      2. Ugotit says:

        Lol I should have clarified its on Facebook not real life I think I know give off narcdar signals and there’s a green light glowing next to my username that says hi I make a great victim hmu lol

        1. Caroline says:

          Oh, gotcha… Facebook sure stirs up problems for people. I’ve never been on it, but can you add a boxing or martial arts cartoon icon by your name, to deter the narcs? (Like “Don’t screw with this girl!” Lol)

  6. LYNN says:

    Well I’m in that position now, new man and he’s ultra keen and gushing with words of love very quickly, a past he describes gives me the impression he has been a victim of several narcs as I have so could be good or he could be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Being very watchful and not allowing emotional thinking.

    1. Caroline says:

      You’re aware, so you’ll figure it out, Lynn. Time will tell.

      Here’s hoping he’s the real deal! 🙂

      1. LYNN says:

        Yes I’m watching and calculating and wrapping up my heart in a bomb proof case lol the only fear I have now is possibly wasting my precious time if he proves to be of the black brethren, life is too precious to waste, if he is one I hope he gives himself away very soon he hopefully won’t be able to hide his red flags for long.
        note to HG: What’s the longest you hid yourself for and did you ever let the mask slip before you really wanted to, I mean did you mess up and show some narcissist behaviour before you really wanted you in the golden period?

      2. LYNN says:

        I thought he was until he started telling me it was love at first sight then the barriers came up

        1. Caroline says:

          Yeah, we really don’t like hearing the “love at first sight” thing after having dealt with a narcissist before. He didn’t do the predatory stare did he? (Mine did — I thought it was romantic at the time — how wrong I was! *_*)

      3. LYNN says:

        Thanks so much Caroline I would really like to know those questions to ask. I will ask him and bring back his responses to the group.
        No I didn’t get the state just look of love in his eyes. yes absolutely I hate the love at first sight words now, they make me feel sick to my stomach xx

        1. Caroline says:

          You’re so welcome, Lynn. I hope the articles help with your interrogation, er, your *gentle questioning* of him. 🙂 Yes, do let us know how it goes!

          Glad you didn’t get THE STARE… now we won’t have to put that in the “Run Far, Far Away From Him” column. 😉

      4. LYNN says:

        narc angel thank you i will try and find that 5 ways to flush out on u tube.

      5. LYNN says:

        found the HG part 1 and 2 of 5 ways to out the narc.

  7. Jess says:

    Creepy. True, but creepy.

  8. Caroline says:

    The quirky-fun musical accompaniment:

    1. LYNN says:

      Bloody great song Caroline I love it and so appropriate great stuff 😁😁😁

      1. Caroline says:

        Thanks, Lynn~I couldn’t resist when I saw the title… but I played it 3 times as I danced around, and now it’s stuck in my head for the night(Curses, Caroline!) 😉

    2. LYNN says:

      still playing it all the time and dancing my ass off 😁 love it. I’m gonna dance myself into a size 8 thanks to you Caroline xxxxxx

      1. Caroline says:

        Haha, Lynn! That song makes me want to do backflips — I especially love the beat.:-)

        I’m combining my reply to your other comment here, about not wanting to waste your time on the guy if he’s a narcissist (perfectly understandable + wise). There’s a great HG article on some questions you can ask the guy to suss out if he’s a likely narcissist (casually, like over several convos).

        Paging resourceful K, our Resident Librarian, for the link to that! 🙂 Do you know, kind K, if you’re around? TIA:-)

        I’m heading to work soon, but I’ll also search around for it when I’m back, to see if I can find it, Lynn…drats — cannot remember the title.:-(

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Caroline

          Search
          5 ways to flush out the narcissist. You will see also there an article on 5 further ways.

          1. Caroline says:

            Thank you, NA/”YA” 🙂

    3. K says:

      Caroline

      5 WAYS TO FLUSH OUT THE NARCISSIST, parts 1 & 2 are excellent.

      Thank you NA! I was on tea break.

      1. Caroline says:

        Thank you, Miss K…all good librarians need a tea break and time to restock the shelves. 😉

      2. K says:

        You are welcome, Sweet Caroline! I do love tea and books.

  9. T says:

    HG, does it always have to end this way?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not if you apply logic and govern your emotional thinking.

      1. Lisbeth says:

        I’ve received a lot of knowledge and it’s amazing when you apply what you learn in situations with people/narcs. Oh how the run!!! Lol

      2. Somewhere over the rainbow says:

        You mean…healthy boundaries even when we might be afraid of losing someone because of those. If a man is the real deal, he’ll stay, if he’s a narcissist…he’ll find the target not deserving of his “special” attention (if one doesn’t respond to his control and manipulations) and get out of sight.
        As simple as that, isn’t it? A narcissist is not the person investing without perceiving an interest rate.

        1. LYNN says:

          Hi SOTR Yes true, I am much more strong with boundaries, I just protect myself now. I work on the idea guilty till proven innocent now, sad to feel I have to, it goes against the grain but we were given the experience to learn and we must use what we have learned. I prepare myself that I will confirm the diagnosis and separate so not give my heart. not sure yet how long I will live in that limbo if no more red flags appear. I agree though SOTR your right I could loose an honest good man in the process because of my scepticism, very difficult. Maybe I will never ever love again but then the narcs will have won so I have to move forward. x

      3. LYNN says:

        HG your part 2 of ‘Outing a Narc’ didn’t work for me when you described their reaction about parents and ex. What if he is normal but he has had narc parent and ex partner? you say if they say bad things they are a Narc but can’t you be wounded by these people and say the bad things you feel or deflect without that meaning you are a narcissist ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It is the timing and the extent of the disclosure, not the experience.

      4. LYNN says:

        Am I a Narc HG? When I talked about my narc step father and ex s to my current fella I spoke harshly quite quickly. you’ve got me worried now 🙈

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No.

        2. Caroline says:

          Lynn~I’m glad HG gave you resounding “no” because…

          I’m thinking a narcissist would not be so concerned about being a narcissist that they’d post a little “covering eyes” monkey emoji… lol… you’re adorable.

          P.S. Another emoji test (don’t mind me):

      5. Somewhere over the rainbow says:

        Hi LYNN,

        That was exactly my point: a decent man won’t give up on you but more, he will respect healthy boundaries and you more for having them. A normal man has the time to prove his feelings and thoughts because he’s not playing 2 or 3 other women at the same time. Stay assured that a normal won’t push your boundaries too far and, usually, they have common sense!

        Best wishes!
        SORT

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