Exposure – 5 Ways To Expose The Narcissist

 

EXPOSURE - 5 WAYS TO EXPOSE THE NARCISSIST

 

You never see us coming. You do not know what we are when we ensnare you. You have no idea what is actually happening when we push and pull you through the bewildering experience that is devaluation. You make no sense of what has happened when you have been discarded in the dust, hurt and dazed. When we return, riding back into your lives like the triumphant king we regard ourselves as, you still do not know us for what we are. How many times have you rued the fact that if only you had known earlier? How often have you remarked at how obvious it now seems with hindsight, when the eventual moment of revelation arrives, long-delayed and overdue as it often is. How frequently have you bemoaned to friends and family that if only you have seen the signs you might have done something to avoid what had entangled with you. Wishful thinking indeed and such thoughts go on to pollute your future engagements with those prospective intimate partners. At some future point you may eventually dip a toe in the pool of intimacy again in the hope of finding someone who is as far-removed from us as possible, but what if one of our kind comes a calling? You know you identified the tell-tale indicators with the one of our kind who ensnared you, but what is Lucifer comes in many guises? Would you have the craft and skill set to out one of our if he locked on to you? Would your empathic traits override the caution? Would the old adage of lightning never strikes twice play through your mind even though it strikes several times when it comes to our kind? At the outset of your engagement with that interesting and exciting person, there are of course the many Red Flags which exist and about which I have written in greater detail. You ought to acquaint yourself with them, since not all of our kind will always exhibit certain indicators. Neither does it do any harm to avail yourself of additional ones should you find yourself becoming the attention of the Greater of our kind, if hitherto you had been involved with a Lesser of Mid-Range. Utilise these five early door tactics to expose whether you are at risk of being ensnared.

  1. Create jealousy

Make reference to an actor or celebrity and comment about how he or she is talented and handsome. Consider admitting you have a crush on this person and if they walked in now you would be smitten and so forth. Observe the reaction.

A Lesser will struggle even during the seduction to contain the effect of his criticism and will lash out with a comment such as,

“Him? He is a homosexual, yes, well known in the industry, of course his fan base cannot know.”

“Him? Had a lot of work done you know.”

“Him? Really? He is nothing to look at. You’ve got off taste if you like him.”

A Mid-Range will fall silent and then move the topic on to something else. He has the situation just about under control but remains wounded, hence the withdrawal through a brief silence and then going to a different topic.

The Greater. Watch for the very brief flicker of fury in the eyes. A narrowing of the gaze or slight sneer before the control is exerted. The Greater will smile (but there will no warmth) or there will be a hollow laugh before he will say,

“Not a patch on me though eh?”

“I could have been an actor you know.”

A normal person would respond with: –

“Yes, he is a handsome chap, I agree.”

“Do you think so? I’m not so sure, but I can understand why you might say that.”

  1. Place Your Attention Elsewhere

Either fiddle with your ‘phone repeatedly or keep smiling at the waiter and chatting to him when he serves you. It need not be excessive as even a fairly minimum distraction in this way will irk our kind. Whatever situation you are in, find a way to put your attention on someone or something else.

The Lesser will put down the third party at the earliest opportunity by suggesting service was slow, the seats are unsatisfactory or will grab the phone from you and put it to one side. He will not be able to contain the ignition of his fury at such an early juncture.

The Mid-Range will try to compete by talking to a different waitress or by using his own ‘phone, doing his best to conceal the wound you have created by effectively ignoring him.

The Greater will start talking loudly about himself so you are forced to return attention to him. Boasts and outlandish comments will be made along with denigrating the offending person/item.

“It must be hell waiting on for a living, I am delighted I am able to have so much control over my work.”

“You know those ‘phones have been setting on fire. Yes, a manufacturing error. Clearly an inferior make. Now, take my ‘phone for instance.”

The normal person would politely ask you to stop using your ‘phone as much or would not smile pleasantly at your interaction with other people as noting it as just being friendly.

 

  1. Get the Details

We will make various boasts about what we do, who we know and what we like and the latter will be frequent as we endeavour to mirror you. In such a situation where we have ascertained what you like through our prior targeting of you, do not, as so many people do, accept it at face value as being true and accurate but instead politely press for some more details. If we explain that we engage in fencing because you do, mention some of the relevant equipment and terminology to draw us into providing more detail.

The Lesser will fudge it, lacking the preparatory depth to know anything much beyond what you like. He will backtrack saying it was some time since he had done it or such like. He will become agitated as his fury starts to ignite because your challenge, notwithstanding its politeness, will amount to a criticism.

The Mid-Range will change subject and ask you to talk more about it. Reject this and invite his comment. He will withdraw as he keeps control and moves on to a different topic or makes an excuse to go to the toilet or to point out something else happening.

The Greater will be harder to trap in this respect because he or she will have undertaken a greater depth of preparatory work and also their higher function enables them to think on their feet more readily, but a continued gentle cross-examination will expose some deficiency eventually. Once this nears the Greater will apply greater charm towards you in order to deflect you from probing too deeply. Expect a string of compliments, a flourishing gesture (“how about some champagne?”) or praising your evident knowledge of the subject before moving on to something else.

The normal will talk easily and extensively about this interest without bragging or evasiveness because it is true.

  1. Ask about the Ex

It may appear a little forward but this is a useful indicator to determine who you are with.

The Lesser will be unpleasant about her because the memory of this treacherous person annoys him and therefore you will be subjected to a volley of explanations about how terrible she is.

The Mid-Range will be dismissive about the request. He knows that if pressed he will not be able to help himself and pour out how horrible she has been to him, how crazy she is and how he is trying to put himself back together again after a horrendous experience. He knows enough that this is not the ideal topic of conversation at this juncture but so long as he can maintain control, he need not spill the beans. He will comment that there is not much to say and change the focus. Bring him back to the focus and observe what happens.

The Greater will be complimentary since he or she knows that to portray the ex in such a light at this early stage of the seduction is a sensible move. This will of course change in due course once there is triangulation and you are embedded, but prior to this he wants you to recognise he is a “good” person and that it didn’t work out and will provide some woolly and amorphous reason why that is. The Greater will not be able to help himself comment that she couldn’t cope with his brilliance in some way and then use it to compliment you.

“We got on but she ultimately wasn’t as clever as me, not like you, you and I are exactly on the same intellectual wavelength, it is marvellous.”

“She wasn’t a bad person but she struggled with how hard I work. I know you are not like that because I can tell you are diligent and admire hard work.”

The normal will provide a brief and honest explanation, often admitting to failings on his part as well or explaining that he and her remain on friendly terms. There will be little bitterness or rancour even if the relationship was difficult, this person will have moved on.

  1. Ask About Our Childhood

We often do not like to discuss it or certainly certain elements of it. Much of it will be patchy and disjointed to us. References to other family members will be limited unless pushed and they will not be spoken about in warm or fond terms

The Lesser will make sweeping comments about how it wasn’t happy but fail to provide any detail or say it was nothing special. He will not divulge any memories of it as he struggles to do so.

The Mid-Range will be dismissive and want to talk about your childhood instead. Anything he does say will be anodyne in nature as he prefers not to revisit it.

The Greater will talk about his childhood but it will all be boasts about what he achieved, how many friends he had, how good he was football, the fact he was top of the class and so forth.

The normal will recount a handful of anecdotes, speak well of his family, link the fact that his childhood means he sees a lot of his family now or if he does not, because of death or distance, the fact he misses them.

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21 Comments

  1. If it’s too good to be true, then it’s probably Lucifer. But there can be a fine line as normal men have male egos and naturally boast.

    If I had heard of narcissism before, I wouldn’t have wasted eight years enslaved by the mystery. I noticed all the bells and whistles the first year, I just didn’t realize people aren’t all normals.

  2. Im all for having an overly informed conversation with the local police department if my narcissist boyfriend does another disappearing act. Thats how much I wont be putting up with his disrespect since I dont tolerate it in any shape form or fashion and Im all for showing the shapeshifting, formaldehyde loving narcissists just how fashionably late I can be to putting them back in their place.

  3. Great article. Thank you for sharing. I recognize so much of it. Just wish I had known then what I am learning now.

  4. Hi HG,
    My name is Mike and I am new on this site-recommended by a friend. I have been married to a narcissist, divorced and then 9 more years of living together. I ended the relationship last January and now we share a dog every two weeks. After listening to some of your youtube videos and reading a couple of your articles, what do you recommend that I do regarding shared custody of our dog. Thus far it is creating opportunities for unpleasant discussions and I don’t see it ending. What do you advice?
    Thank you.

    1. Welcome Mike, I would need to know more about the narcissist you are dealing with in terms of school and cadre so I can advise you properly, to that end you should arrange a consultation.

      1. I would like to read more of your material before a consultation. I’ve also spoken to Victoria A. Who thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread. She thinks my ex is a mid range/victim but of course that determination will ultimately come from you. I have joined your blog and receiving your articles daily. By the way I think you’re an excellent writer. Thank you so much for responding so quickly I will have a lot more questions for you when visiting a blog. I will let you know when I’m ready for a consultation thanks again. Mike

        1. No problem, Victoria has e-mailed me also and thank you for your kind words about my work.

  5. HG,

    “I don’t like people, maybe I am a little bit sociopathic, but just a little bit and I know how to manage it” – this is something a narcissist told me in the early stages of our relationship. I didn’t take it seriously, I thought it was a joke or a part of seduction designed to intrigue me. At the same time he used to portray himself as “a giver, someone who is good to people, often too good and that’s why they let him down eaisily”. So these were two opossing statements.

    What kind of narcissist could tell something like this?

    I’ll add that in my opinion he is a mid ranger (sulky, pity plays, portraying himself as a victim, silent treatments). But his confession about being sociopathic makes me curious – is it possible for mid ranger to make this kind of statement since mid rangers really think they are good people and don’t know what they are and don’t see themselves as predators?

    Ps. Of course, when he started to devalue me, it was me who was sociopathic and he was acting like his “maybe I am a little bit sociopathic” never happened.

  6. HG, although a Greater may feel jealousy, due to his ability to have more control and restraint, he is able to disguise his jealousy and play it off? Also due to their high intellect, are Greaters able to mimic “normal” behaviours, making it more difficult to recognize them? Thank you!!!

  7. HG…would you say that a narc who bounces between many of these characteristics would ultimately be a mid-range narc, or would there still ne dominant traits in behavior that would label them distinctly as one or the other? And…a narc who injects steroids on a daily basis, how much would that contribute to the characteristics of a lesser narc’s inability to control anger and rage?

    1. Hello Amanda, as you see the article breaks down the responses between each school. As for steroid use/abuse that impacts on anger, but not fury. I recommend you read the book Fury to understand the distinction and also more about how this fury manifests.

  8. I was speaking to someone, have not met. Was asked what made my day that day. My response was speaking to an old friend, he says then I am trying his jealousy.
    An old friend I have not seen sense High School and lives 1800 miles from me. She just happen to find me on FB.
    I understand yet do not understand how someone that has not met me can feel jealousy.

    1. Twilight
      You don’t have to understand it for your narc alarms to go off. That certainly would have set off mine.

      1. Windstorm

        I knew before this. He wasn’t part of my life so it didn’t affect me. I actually except to be asked for money. That happened once a while back. A “corporal” tried to convince me he needed 3000 to be able to come home. He didn’t like it when I told him military takes you military brings you home. That was my introduction to those that scam women. I have always learned by observing behavior now I am learning it on line.
        People fascinate me, we are so complex and the way we interact is/has changed. So many have the phone strapped to their face instead of actually experiencing the life around them. Technology is amazing yet addictive.

        1. Ha, ha! I agree about technology. I’m rarely more than 3 feet from my phone. Lol!

          1. I am bad I will leave my phone in my car, in the bed room everywhere. It doesn’t make a sound, my iPad on the other hand from phone calls to messages that thing has come very close to being thrown out the window (when I am trying to sleep).
            If i am at work thou it is usually in my pocket.

  9. Yes I would have the skills to know another one of your kind I feel. You all do similar things, you all are fake, and you all are relatively easy to read.
    Someone like myself who was brought up by a narc parent, it kinda gets ingrained into you. I would see another narc coming a mile off! Having trust issues too kinda helps I think.

  10. Not all normals had happy childhoods but they won’t be full of hate and wish for revenge, they’ll choose to see the half full glass (instead of the half empty one) that at least they are alive now, educated and able (as adults) to express their true personality and raise normal families. For normals/empaths keeping their distance from narcissists parents at their inheritance (you see, no hypocrisy attached!) cost is enough! Hate is not required and not sustained on long-term (at least not to those they have something to thank for, as small as that something might be) because they are too busy to build something better than destroying what’s already in the past!

Vent Your Spleen!

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