A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 66

 

JIMMY LETTER

I don’t know what to say. Because, in all honesty, I don’t know who you are. I have spent the last year educating myself and healing myself from my experience with you. It has been both incredibly painful, yet equally rewarding to heal from abuse. At a certain point, my education into what you are had to cease, and the recovery process needed all of my focus.

I do forgive you. I understand that your disorder drives you to do the things you do, even though they are plotted, premeditated, planned, and executed with your cognizant awareness from right and wrong and your understanding of your betrayals and manipulations, I do understand that you cannot control it. Therefore I cannot judge the afflicted, just as we cannot blame the crippled for being unable to walk.
I forgive myself as well. Although anything a victim has to do in order to survive abuse is forgivable, I do have a responsibility in enabling your abuse. There were moments very early on where I knew you weren’t being true to me and I, as a classic/textbook codependent, stayed in the hopes that you would change. It was only until very recently that I accepted your disorder as maladaptive. I absolutely did everything I could to change it, and for that ignorance, I am guilty.
The releasing of my resentment towards you is where I am at in my healing process, and forgiveness is necessary in order for me to move on. I have been holding onto the resentments that come after being so betrayed and for so very long – since Day One, actually. And this too was designed by you. To leave someone so utterly devastated and continue to abuse is a common manifestation in the discard phase of your disorder. Learning more of your betrayals after your departure was simply adding insult to deep injuries. So, obviously, healing from such abuse, both during and after, is a huge mountain to climb.
I also know these words mean nothing to you. My forgiveness, my compassion…in terms of your receiving these sentiments, is irrelevant to you. I understand that you have deleted me from your life. These words aren’t really for you. They are for me. You have my forgiveness. I can never forget, nor will I ever. I will certainly stay as far away as I can from you, no matter where I am, but I will forever remain vigilant with very strict boundaries and a zero-tolerance policy for your abuse, or your abuse by proxy – the people in your life.
The recovery from abuse exposed myself to some very real issues of codependency I am working through. So thank you. In a twisted sort of way, recovering from your abuse made me a better person than I ever was…and certainly no one you, or anyone in your world, has the fortitude to have the pleasure and honor of being in my life. So please do not try. We have a history of making threats to each other, so I am breaking that cycle and appealing to your common senses. We have nothing to say to each other. You (who you are) never truly existed in my world and so, you cannot exist in it now. Please do not attempt to further contact me. What we had was a charade. It was a mind-fuck of epic proportions to un-fuck, and the effort in doing so was equally epic. We never had anything before – we will have nothing now or in the future.
I never had you, so there is no loss. You truly had me, I was devotedly yours.  And that’s what you lost.
I understand your torment much more and I truly hope you find peace.
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28 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 66”

  1. H.G. thank you for posting my letter. I follow you on YouTube, but I regrettably do not visit narcsite so much.

    I actually just discovered my letter here today and wanted to extend my gratitude to you for giving it a life in this community.

    I am also very flattered by its reception among your readers.

    To those kind souls who offered their supportive sentiments, I thank you all for your validation.

    It is only fair that I say this here: my letter was both a testament to my plight, and an exorcism of resentment. I am still struggling through the healing process and I am in no way 100% healed.

    I still have bad days. The difference now is that, when I have them, I embrace them as opportunities, rather than obstacles.

    One cannot survive this on autopilot. One must do the work. I’m glad to have contributed to another’s motivation.

    Thank you, H.G., for being a part of my motivational circle.

    1. @ Jimmy,
      It’s great to see another guy that has suffered through this and is strong enough to admit that he struggles. Most on this site are female but there are plenty of guys out there going through what you and I have. Caring for a woman who is a Narc. Just know your letter gives me strength, as I could have written it word for word. I am finding this road long… sometimes it’s hard not to turn around, but I push on. Thanks for your words and knowing there are kindred souls out there.
      Michael

      1. Michael and Jimmy
        Respect to you both for being here and for coming forward to comment. I suspect there are many more male readers like yourselves who are reading and have not come forward to date. I would love if when they felt comfortable enough they would also share their views and experiences as you both have. There are many females here yes, but we are not all here because of a romantic entanglement. We all have fathers, brothers, male friends, etc and would benefit greatly from contributions of the male population affected. Thanks again for giving your voice.

      2. @NarcAngel
        This isn’t easy by no means. It is my nature to be strong and to protect. After finding HG and reading the views and thoughts that are penned by him, I realize that it is my very nature that has been my demise to some degree. I’m a fixer, a nurturer, a lover, a protector and yes the proverbial one that would take a bullet. I don’t give up and after 10 yrs that is the one thing I am charged to do if I want out of this rabbit hole.
        But there is a price that I am realizing that I am having to pay. I am loosing “me”. Who I was is being locked behind strong walls that I am building daily. It really isn’t fair, they ( Narcs) keep rolling along. Going to all the same places, doing the same things and daring you( me) to show up show that they can draw precious fuel from my suffering of seeing them with someone new. I find myself withdrawing to keep from encountering them. I’m in a small town where everyone knows everyone and it’s very hard to stay out of Hoover spheres. This also makes the smear campaign very damaging as well.
        I am learning lots here. I am stronger than I was but no where near what it will take when she comes calling again…. and she will.

      3. Hello Michael,

        ”. I find myself withdrawing to keep from encountering them. I’m in a small town where everyone knows everyone and it’s very hard to stay out of Hoover spheres”

        I can relate to this. Yes, I know is hard but it is the only(right )way to go. Sometimes one even has to quite certain interests apart from avoiding attending to certain places as long as you are still emotional.
        I know you are strong and the journey is of small steps forwards and backwards. You will get to the other side..is just a matter of time and keep your No Contact strong giving you time to get even stronger IF she contacts you again. At the end it will not matter if she contacts you or not because you will be reaching the point of Zero Impact( concept introduced by HG).

        Remember : You are at the right place being here, as you have stated: “having good company ALWAYS make path more pleasant” and re-quoting your quote:

        “Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. “— Izaak Walton

        Best wishes to you!

      4. I would also like to thank the other males who regularly interact and contribute here. You add a much needed perspective that we continue to value and we look forward to many more discussions with you. You have also been great sports when the female population tends to forget ourselves and lump men together (we dont always mean it unless were talking about the seat up, seat down thing lol), and remind us that there are many very good men out there. We are lucky to have you.
        NA

      5. @Michael: “I realize that it is my very nature that has been my demise to some degree. I’m a fixer, a nurturer, a lover, a protector and yes the proverbial one that would take a bullet. I don’t give up…[but] that is the one thing I am charged to do if I want out of this rabbit hole….I am loosing “me”. Who I was is being locked behind strong walls that I am building daily.”

        Me too. I was once told “You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever known. You never fail, and you never give up.” There is a certain pride in identifying with being the kind of person who will say to another, “my life for you”, and then deliver. Giving up is a universe away from leaving a situation where you are being damaged and your very essence is being taken from you. Know that no matter what, they can’t be “fixed” – not by you, not by me, not by anyone. And no matter how far you’ve gone down the wrong road, you can always turn around. We did. And we can take pride in finally recognizing our own value, to ourselves first and foremost, and in the value of what we can bring to the world.

        Shine on. Stay golden. But guard your gold from those who would steal its shine for themselves and give nothing back. Be brilliant, brave, beautiful you and the truth will out. Sooner or later, if you are YOU, then others will see the smear campaign for what it is.

        I wish you strength for the journey.

  2. Dear H.G.,

    I believe you can control your behavior, and start healing yourself anytime you choose.

    Warmest regards to both you and your sister,

    Pam B.

  3. ISN’T it so sad…all the truth…trust….love….caring….giving…dedication…WE give these assholes who are blood sucking vampires. WE get binned to them….My poor dad fell last year. He was parlayed from the neck down. He went to 3 nursing homes 4 hospital. HE was binned in a body that did not work anymore. 6’3″ and the giant fell and lost control of his whole life at 78. IS there any proof…That Narc. have tried different things to try to work on there mind?? IS it they will NOT try or they did TRY and it didn’t work. OR they don’t want to try as what they do feels good to them. They know it is not right in society and in theory. Hmmmmmm so many wondering thoughts of What if? Did they try this or that or THEY WILL NOT EVER TRY TO FIND OUT IF THINGS WILL WORK TO CHANGE THEIR THINKING AND CONNECT TO HUMAN BEINGS WITH EMPATHY….

  4. This letter reminds me that I first must forgive the one that put me in this whirlwind, and then forgive myself so that I can heal. Time for me to stop being the “ Favorite Old Toy” on the shelf.

    1. Hello pdgas,

      I understand what you mean.

      I do not think that you have to forgive the one who abused you.
      Abuse is unforgivable no matter what.

      You do not need to forgive the abuser in order to heal.
      You can canalise the feelings of anger, frustration and despise for the abuser in other ways that bring you peace but not necessarily forgiving him.

      “ and then forgive myself so that I can heal”.
      What do you mean by forgiving yourself?
      Try not to be so harsh on yourself . If you analyse it closely: you did not do anything to cause the abuse.

      If by “forgiving yourself “ you mean gaining awareness about yourself and finding out why he COULD abuse you then I think is the right way to go in the process of healing and moving forward.

      Gaining awareness ( mainly about yourself ,the abuser and the dynamic of the abuse) may be a more effective catalyst for healing /moving forward when forgiveness is not possible.

      Best wishes

      1. @SuperXena,
        I guess I feel that if I truly forgive her for the 10 yrs. of emotional abuse and manipulations, that she does not hold power over me with me daily hating her. I just release it all. As for myself it is as you said. The awareness of who I am as a person and how I allowed myself to get caught up with a female Narc. Thanks for the uplifting words. What’s hardest is the daily reliving. I feel like I am a minority on here seeings how my Narc is female but the abuse is just the same.

      2. Hello

        Thank you for your answer.I completely agree with you .

        “…that she does not hold power over me with me daily hating her. I just release it all.”
        Exactly, releasing all the remaining emotions mainly all the negative emotions that hold the power over you is crucial. Hatred is very powerful ,intense and a very intoxicating negative emotion.

        “What’s hardest is the daily reliving”.
        Yes, I understand what you mean and it is a gradual process but every day that goes (with no contact of course) is a step forward , releasing just a little bit more for each time. Small steps towards one final destination: total release of emotions.

        The issue of forgiveness was one which I struggled with a lot.

        Not being able to forgive my male narc made me feel a bad person until I realised that I really did not hate him, that I really did not have to forgive him in order to move on .
        The release for me came when I totally lost respect for him. I never experienced feelings of hatred towards him as such( anger yes) but mostly a feeling of contempt and despise that gradually lost its intensity .

        As for you being the minority ,I think that you belong to the minority of men who have the courage to step forward and tell about the abuse.
        I admire you for doing that .
        Men and women can be both victims and perpetrators of abuse, but the prevailing narrative is that it is overwhelmingly women who are victims and men who are perpetrators.

        It is interesting to see how both the female and the male narcissists operate similarly. Perhaps being different the way a male empath confronts abuse and how he processes the aftermath? Taking into consideration the “norms” dictated by the prevailing society of the masculine gender expectations :teaching boys they can’t be victims. Boys are supposed to be competitive, resilient, self-reliant, and independent, but certainly not emotionally needy.

        I think therein lies the reason why many men do not step forward when they are abused.
        Which under my point of view as a female is an unhealthy concept of what a “Real” men is and a distorted concept of masculinity.

        I appreciate very much your contributions here and admire your courage for coming forward and sharing your experiences here.

      3. Hello pdgas,

        Thank you for your answer.I completely agree with you .

        “…that she does not hold power over me with me daily hating her. I just release it all.”
        Exactly, releasing all the remaining emotions mainly all the negative emotions that hold the power over you is crucial. Hatred is very powerful ,intense and a very intoxicating negative emotion.

        “What’s hardest is the daily reliving”.
        Yes, I understand what you mean and it is a gradual process but every day that goes (with no contact of course) is a step forward , releasing just a little bit more for each time. Small steps towards one final destination: total release of emotions.

        The issue of forgiveness was one which I struggled with a lot.

        Not being able to forgive my male narc made me feel a bad person until I realised that I really did not hate him, that I really did not have to forgive him in order to move on .
        The release for me came when I totally lost respect for him. I never experienced feelings of hatred towards him as such( anger yes) but mostly a feeling of contempt and despise that gradually lost its intensity .

        As for you being the minority ,I think that you belong to the minority of men who have the courage to step forward and tell about the abuse.
        I admire you for doing that .
        Men and women can be both victims and perpetrators of abuse, but the prevailing narrative is that it is overwhelmingly women who are victims and men who are perpetrators.

        It is interesting to see how both the female and the male narcissists operate similarly. Perhaps being different the way a male empath confronts abuse and how he processes the aftermath? Taking into consideration the “norms” dictated by the prevailing society of the masculine gender expectations :teaching boys they can’t be victims. Boys are supposed to be competitive, resilient, self-reliant, and independent, but certainly not emotionally needy.

        I think therein lies the reason why many men do not step forward when they are abused.
        Which under my point of view as a female is an unhealthy concept of what a “Real” men is and a distorted concept of masculinity.

        I appreciate very much your contributions here and admire your courage for coming forward and sharing your experiences here.

      4. Pdgas,
        You may receive my reply in duplicate. I apologise for that if you do. One was an attempt of posting it the second one , I believe it went through.

  5. I have read this one before, but it’s always been my favorite (if one can have a favorite for this type of thing). I feel I could have written it too, except I wish I were strong enough to close the door like Jimmy. Thanks for reposting HG.

  6. Can someone please tell me where/how to submit my own :Letter to the narc” for consideration? Thanks

  7. ”In a twisted sort of way, recovering from your abuse made me a better person than I ever was…”

    There is incredible force in that statement. Amazing .

    “and certainly no one you, or anyone in your world, has the fortitude to have the pleasure and honor of being in my life”

    Statements that I find very motivational and a drive force for many to continue moving forward…

    Thank you for writing this letter.

  8. Beautiful letter, so much forgiveness, however, I think that leaves one open to more abuse in the future.

  9. Holy crap. If I didn’t know better I would think I had written this.

    Interestingly, this is the first time I’ve read someone openly admit they are Codepebdent here. I read comments here that are clear indicators of codependency often. (Perhaps I have just missed other Codepebdents commenting.)Does that mean the commentor is clinically Codepebdent ? No it does not.i have always found it odd that on a Narcissistic abuse blog I rarely if at all have seen anyone admit they are Codependent but in fact I’ve seen some go out of their way to distance themselves from that label or concept. I mostly see the word “Empath” used which is very general.

    1. Lori, I’m codependent. I always have been. So I’m one codependent here. I don’t think ones like to expose what they see as maybe a weakness or fault, or they like to appear strong and independent. But i think there can actually be strength in vulnerability too. I’m also borderline, which “could” make me a target I suppose, though I’m not worried. I think all my abuse is behind me now. Its just a matter of healing from it all. But yes, I guess this is the kind of letter I would write too. I also have to forgive, for myself. If you continue hating a person, then they stay in your head. I have seen many here commenting on forgiving themselves, and I guess that’s what I find hardest. I bet HG can pick out the codependents from anywhere lol!

    2. What is worse for me is as a therapist told me, I’ve been in an abusive situation for so many years, (narc single parent) that you can become addicted to the pain. You can not feel normal unless you have it. Its like, that’s all you’ve known most of your life. You subconsciously look for it. And you do not realise. So for me, I am actually my own worst enemy. Its myself I have to battle. Not the narcs. This is why I have to hate all narcs, (though I find it hard to actually hate) because I do it to protect myself. You can be so codependent that you keep going back to people and things that are unhealthy for you. And its a constant hard fight for me not to go there. Perhaps this will help ones to understand why I am the way I am. Its not easy for me to explain I guess either.

      1. Wow you are the first that I have seen admit this. A lot of people on here and in general have a very false perception of Codependency. I think they see Codependents as weak which is not at all the case for some of us. I’m weak at saying no to certain people but honestly that is sometimes because I still want to maintain control of them or a situation.

        I did not from an abusive home but I did entangle with a Narc at a very young age of 22 for more than 6 years and it did have a profound effect on me in that I become bored with people who don’t provide a certain level of excitement and I will begin to seek it elsewhere.

        I too find painful romantic entanglements oddly comfortable and I do know this has been in my subconscious many years

        You are very correct in that it very hard to explain codependency to others and what is on the Internet doesn’t really explain well in proper context. I have read here numerous times that Codepebdents come out of abusive homes or where there was substance abuse and that is simply false. I had neither. That’s interesting you are borderline. I was convinced I had Bpd at one point but I do not. What people fail to underseagd is that all of the PD s to include codependency are quite similar in nature because the childhood wound is often the same or similar it’s just that it manifests with different coping mechanisms such as NPD BPD Codependency etc with codependency being the most curable and the least destructive

        Thanks for sharing. I thought I was the only diagnosed one here

      2. Yes the childhood wound is very similar. Like in the case with HG and his sister for example. Same parents and household, but came out different. One having NPD and the other being codependent. My brother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, and myself BPD and other anxiety type disorders, and therefore it affects each child differently.I understand the seeking excitement and getting bored with people etc, but it is not like in the case of fuel for the narc. But I can also see why many will or can mistake us for narcs. But again there are many differences also, if you take the time to look and research it. Many don’t bother.

  10. Wow! I just love the way you accepted responsibility yet show clearly that you understand what you are guilty of. You are on your way to healing sister. “i never truly had you so there is no loss. You had all of me and that is what you lost”. So profound. Thank you for echoing these sentiments.

  11. To the author, your words are so profoundly parallel to my experiences that I could believe we were both the victim of the same person’s behavior. I am happy for you that you are finding peace and joy in your new life. I hope to feel as confident in my recovery and have already come very far. Good luck and godspeed onto the rest of your life fellow survivor.

    1. @Dave

      Dave,
      I find your comment very giving. Your analysis to this letter is succinct but very meaningful.

      I believe that your approach when reading these letters is exactly what the purpose of displaying them is:
      -To see how the different entanglements to narcissists has affected others.
      -Giving us the possibility of seeing it from the “outside”( from a distance) detaching the emotions linked to our own personal experience but still relating to it.
      – Looking at it from a different perspective , from a distance allows us to see the real whole big picture/truth instead of looking at a lot of micro distorted “truths “ behind the emotions of our own personal experience.

      I wish you well on your trip to recovery.

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