How No Contact Feels – Part One


No Contact is the holy grail of escaping from the grip of our kind. It is the of course, for numerous reasons, both on your side and ours, it is not always possible to achieve it. Nevertheless, because No Contact amounts to ignoring our kind, it remains the most powerful tool in the victim’s armoury. You are always advised to implement it and keep it in place when you have ascertained that you are dealing with one of our kind. Not only does it provide you with a period of respite after a tumultuous period of time, so that you can recuperate and gather some much needed strength, it also reduces drastically our effect on your because we operate so much based on our interaction with you. Although we may derive Thought Fuel from knowing how you will react to many of our manipulations that will only sustain us for a period of time until it then begins to fade. If we continue to apply the same manipulation in expectation of a response but there is none forthcoming which we can witness, then the envisioned reaction loses its potency and moves from Thought Fuel to a criticism of us because we are being ignored. Thus if you have escaped out clutches and we send you a series of text messages, at first we envision that you will be upset to receive them and this provides us with Thought Fuel. If there is no response however, this Thought Fuel fades in its potency and we are left feeling ignored after a period of time and this then amounts to a criticism and ignites our fury. This is why No Contact is so important to you and so infuriating to us.

How then do our kind feel when No Contact has been implemented? Let us begin with the Lesser Narcissist. If you tell the Lesser Narcissist that the Formal Relationship has ended and do so in person, you have just ignited the blue touch paper. His instinctive reaction is one of huge criticism at this rejection. He will barely feel the rejection however as the ignition of his fury will be almost immediate. A massive eruption of heated fury will occur and you are in physical danger. He will not beg for you to stay; he will not plead with you. Such thoughts do not present themselves to him because the proverbial red mist has descended. Rage is coursing through him, furious and visceral rage which obliterates any rational thinking. He has lost control and he will direct this heated fury at you. He will physically prevent your departure as he locks doors, removes keys, bolts gates, closes windows and so forth. Expect the tyres on your car to be slashed or the windscreen put through as he continues to pace back and forth, cursing and hurling all manner of insults at you There is a complete loss of control. He may very well attack you, blind fury causing a flurry of punches and kicks in your direction. If there is a weapon to hand it will be used. His instinctive response is one he has not control over and it is done to achieve one thing and one thing alone; to cause you pain. He has no time to make your frustrated or angry. He cannot wait (although he does not know this) for the tears to flow (although they will). He need fuel because this massive rage that has been caused through the horrendous wound you have generated from you telling him it is over and you are leaving is draining him and draining him fast. The huge wound you have created needs to be healed and the ignited fury is using his fuel up and doing so quickly. He needs an emotional reaction from you. It must be straight away. Thus he lashes out at your verbally and physically to generate a pained response by you, accompanied by fear and then upset. This will give him the instant hit of fuel. This will begin to repair the wound. He will not allow you to get away from him for two reasons. The first is that subconsciously he needs you there to provide the fuel which he needs. Secondly, allowing you to go would more or less finish him, since it would be a further criticism. This departure criticism wounds on two fronts. First, the very fact you are going (having said that you were) opens up another criticism by telling him he is not good enough. Secondly, the fact he has not been able to stop you, destroys his sense of power and control. The first criticism of telling him it is over if allowed to combined with the double-edged criticism of departure will bring him to the brink of collapse. Thus his instinctive reaction is both to stop your departure and to draw fuel from you. If he injures you, this will most likely prevent your departure. He will keep attacking you until the rage subsides. This will happen when the wound has been healed by the fuel you provide.

If you cannot escape but (somehow) provide no fuel when assaulted (physically and verbally) your criticism of telling him, you will go will continue to wound him. He has no choice but to keep attacking you in order to provoke a reaction. It is a knee jerk response and extremely unlikely as it is, if you failed to provide fuel, this continued assault would most likely result in you being killed. Of course nearly everybody subjected to this would respond in pain and fear, thus the fuel is provided. Significant (and potentially life threatening) harm will already have happened. Once the rage subsides, you will be left in a crumpled heap, possibly unconscious as finally the rage leaves him.

Telling a Lesser Narcissist that the Formal Relationship is over and doing so face to face is an extremely dangerous step.

What of the situation whereby you leave a letter, send a message or just do nothing and allow him to work out that it is over? Once realisation has dawned on him that you have departed, the fury is ignited once again. There is the first criticism and he is severely wounded. The second criticism has not yet happened however. That double-edged criticism has not occurred. This is because although you have left he was not given the chance at the point of knowing it was over to try to stop you. Thus, his fury is ignited but he is not overwhelmed (yet) by the wound. With fury ignited, the Lesser will fly into a rage and lash out at those around him in an immediate knee jerk response to draw fuel in order to address the wound. Straight away his only thought is to find you. If he does and is able to face you face to face, then scenario will pan out as above. He will smash things up in order to reach you, break down doors, assault people to get past them and once he has you face to face you will be ordered to return home. If you do not, you will be forcibly taken back, assaulted in the process. It is akin to a caveman dragging his wife back to the cave.

If you manage to resist his attempts to drag you back, either because he cannot find you or if he can find you he cannot reach you, the failure to achieve his aim will wound him further. Anybody who is in his path – friends, family, strangers, the police – will feel the full force of his raging fury. This will continue in a bid to draw fuel from them. If fuel is provided it will not completely heal the wound (in the way fuel form you would) but rather it will provide him with enough to cause the rage to subside. He will then withdraw to lick his wounds and seek out alternative fuel. He may return, but not straight away. His follow-up hoovers will depend on entering the spheres of influence. His immediate need will be to recover from this criticism and find a new primary source whilst relying on fuel from secondary and tertiary sources.

If you resist his attempts to drag you back and he is unable to draw fuel in the immediacy from those around him – for example he is arrested and slung in his cell, or people stay out of his way- thus he is denied fuel, he will be teetering on the edge of oblivion. The rage will be extinguished as there is nothing left to power it anymore. He will feel weak and a sense of his world coming to an end. He will withdraw and enter a depressed state, hiding away from the cruel and tormenting world. He will stay in this state until such time as someone provides him with the first drops of fuel to pull him from this depressed and weakened state. Like water hitting a thirsting plant, he will respond to this fuel and then have sufficient energy to seek out more and then more, continuing his recovery until he is functioning in his usual way. At this point, he will need a new primary source (if one has not already presented itself to him) and he will apply himself to securing this (which may include hoovering you if circumstances allow). If you are not hoovered, he will seduce a different new primary source and then be occupied with that primary source. You will largely be left alone unless you enter the inner spheres of influence which will unleash a hoover.

The reaction of the Lesser Narcissist to No Contact is one of blinding, blazing fury. He lashes out left, right and centre in the immediate and pressing need for fuel. If he obtains fuel from you and secures stopping you from leaving, the rage will abate. If he cannot stop you but secures fuel, he will eventually withdraw, rage unable to be powered, but with sufficient fuel to still function and seek out a new primary source. If that fuel is denied to him he will ultimately shut down until such time as fuel is provided to awaken him again.

The Lesser’s immediate response is dangerous, violent but entirely predictable.


26 thoughts on “How No Contact Feels – Part One”

  1. Oh god, my first live in was like this twenty years ago. Actually followed me to work once after I escaped the house. I’ll be reading more of your ebooks, only one so far.

  2. It’s something you can do to an adult but when it’s your daughter that’s almost 16 and she’s was raised by her ultra narcissistic can you protect yourself from your own teens tendencies that hurt all the time?

  3. Brilliant descriptive writing to explain everything in detail to help us understand and foresee the dangers that lay in wait if we stay.

    T I feel exactly as you do in similar situation with regards to time escaped. You’re doing good – it’s SO NOT easy to remain NO CONTACT. I like your tribe comment.

    HG will you do a Mid-Range and Greater version? I’m still trying to work out what mine is – Mid Ranger I think but can’t be sure.

    1. No, it isn’t easy. Had to fence in my thoughts this morning. A way to stop thinking about him. It’s working. I may look a little bananas, but I don’t care.
      And, l olololol, HG doesn’t know it, but our song is “Rubber band man.” Better that bouncing around the walls of my brain!
      Thanks again, HG!!!

      1. At the risk of sounding crazy, I’ll share my way of handling unwanted thoughts.

        I’m sitting or lying still and all those thoughts are flying at me. Little white dots in a black star field. I watch the dots as they get closer focusing on them as dots, not the actual thought. Then imagine them bouncing off my forehead into the blackness. They come faster and faster popping off my forehead like raindrops on a car hood. They are deflected before they can even enter my mind. I do it as long as it takes until I’ve deflected them all. (Or fallen asleep)

        It’s way easier than trying to simply clear my mind because then the thoughts are sneaky and try to take hold. This way, they never get in. And I don’t even identify what the thought is because they are all just little white dots as I’m flying through the star field.

  4. No contact and ignoring the narcissist when you have been the IPPS is quite effective, I learned from my childhood. But what if you are/were a shelf IPSS? The dynamic seems completely different. They discard as if the victim were a sweet wrapper, and as easily forget the existence of the he victim they seduced. No contact as an IPSS seems moot as it has already been instigated by the narcissist. Hoovers also take on different character, if at all. It hurts even more, though, I find. Is this true, HG?

    1. No contact as an IPSS is not moot because you remain at risk of a hoover and therefore it should be maintained.

      1. I have no trouble remaining in no contact. I have no desire to contact him; it is just exceedingly difficult understanding that he does not want to contact me.
        HG, how can no contact matter at all then – have you ever cared if a shelf IPSS ignored you after you ditched her? You probably forgot she even existed.

        1. It still wounds but as a Greater I deal with it more effectively. Love us, hate us, but never ignore us.

    2. Stephanie,

      “Even if you were to contact him, he wouldn’t care, or he would just be annoyed with you because you ate on the shelf. The IPPS is a much more important fuel source, it would seem, with more time being invested in seducing them and ensnaring them. The IPSS is not that important, and therefore why would the narcissist waste energy stalking them on facebook, posting”cryptic messages to the timeline” aimed at them, or bother hoovering when there ate newer, more interesting fuel sources to be exploited? This is what hurts so very much as the IPSS – the not even meriting a second thought.”

      The IPPS might require a lot of effort in the beginning, but many IPPS’s are long-suffering wives, for instance, who do not require the kind of effort that a new or even ongoing IPSS would require.

      The narcissist does not always discard the IPSS. Sometimes she escapes, as I did. He then subjected me to online creeping, once for six months straight while we were not in contact, when I was also convinced that he hadn’t given me a second thought (because the split that time was mutual). It was hard to ‘break up’ with him – lots of creeping and hoovers – maybe because in the end it was not his decision, so he felt he was being controlled.

      I am guessing that because yours discarded, he feels in control. He probably expects you to pursue him, so the longer you don’t, the more you are in control.

      Don’t feel hurt that he hasn’t contacted you. First, it’s better for you. Second, you don’t know that you haven’t merited a second thought. Mine hasn’t contacted me this round (hopefully the last) either, but I am not convinced he isn’t thinking about me because I have been through this before with him. The only thing that is different now is that he has moved, which adds some finality to the whole thing.

  5. No contact is the only way to freedom. I believe I would not have made the progress I have without it. It can be hard to implement and oftentimes it takes multiple attempts before it sticks. Anything else and you’re essentially torturing yourself. Keep moving forward T.

      1. I would like a more detailed post on IPSS because I really can’t see how this would apply. Even if you were to contact him, he wouldn’t care, or he would just be annoyed with you because you ate on the shelf. The IPPS is a much more important fuel source, it would seem, with more time being invested in seducing them and ensnaring them. The IPSS is not that important, and therefore why would the narcissist waste energy stalking them on facebook, posting”cryptic messages to the timeline” aimed at them, or bother hoovering when there ate newer, more interesting fuel sources to be exploited? This is what hurts so very much as the IPSS – the not even meriting a second thought.

  6. I love this, HG.
    Not many people understand that actual death can be a result. It was many times for me. The relationship I was in was deadly. One time when he was sleeping, I thought, ” I’m going to die if I stay. Or find a gun and shoot him in his face. But no, I loved him too much. But I’d always leave and go back hoping he’d be different.
    It only became worse, more controlling and violent. It’s been 7 months now and things still haunt me. That’s why I’m so fucking glad you spoke sense to me today.
    It’s time to turn the page.

    1. Turn the page. I like that T. I’m glad you made it out. Hopefully he doesn’t know how to find you. Keep working and getting stronger. You can do this.

      1. I’m very sure he has his other line ups of women. I’m on the shelf, for sure. He has all my original documents so I’m sure he can check things like my credit score , lololol. Which stinks.but I have things in place to stop him if he tries.

        1. Don’t be on the shelf, lay looooowwww. Be deleted! It’s sickening that he’s still out there carrying on with other victims. He should be in prison.

    2. T – you have got this! The things that have hurt us do haunt us, it is so totally natural; the Haunting can reduce with a shift in your point of focus. I sense a shift in you already with what you have written on the articles today. It’s so good to see this in you, It clearly was the right timing for you to have a consultation. With new insights I’m convinced you will achieve whatever you set out to achieve.

      MB – you are so wonderful and supportive to all on the blog… just a well deserved acknowledgement of what is so evident to observe.. remember to point some of the kindness you show to others back to yourself every once in a while though huh!!! X

      1. Quasi and MB, it’s not over by far, but learning and practicing the tools HG taught me.
        And Quasi, I whole heartedly agree with you about MB!!!
        I’m grateful I found my tribe where I can be myself. Lol, whoever she really is beneath the rubble.
        Yes, I think it’s time to excavate!!!

    3. Dearest T,
      Congratulations precious ….new page new chapter…
      Hugs 🤗
      Luv Bubbles xx 💜😘

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