Protection

PROTECTION

I am just a baby in your arms. I am fragile, brittle and vulnerable. You see I was broken when I was so, so young. I did not know any different and all I wanted was to be told that I was good. I did everything I could to please them but it was never deemed enough. I don’t know why I could not make them love me but it just did not happen. Perhaps if I had tried harder. I know it is my fault really but I did not know any better. They took something from me, I still do not know what it really is, but I think you do. I think you hold the answer because of who you are. I try to be a good person, I really do but there is just something that stops me from being that decent and compassionate person.  I see what you and people like you do and I cannot help but wish I was the same. Sometimes I want it so much it makes me do things I should not do because I cannot control the jealousy that rises and makes me do those Bad Things. Believe me, I fight against it but I have not had the strength to defeat the wickedness but I have you now don’t I? You will shield me and give me the fortitude I require to complete my journey to redemption. Everything that has happened before was borne out of me lacking you. Those things that I have done, well, I am not proud of them but I was weak and knew no better. I did not have you to lead and guide me. The others, you see, those others promised me that they would take care of me but they were just pretenders and charlatans who took from me and left me twisted and beaten in the dust. Sometimes I had to fight back. That was when I struck out at them. I did not want to, truly I did not want to do those things, but sometimes I was given no choice. I know all that has gone now because you are here. You are the person I have waited for for so long. I believe in you and how you can save me. You are my caretaker, my salvation and my rock. I look to you and you give me such hope. You show me that there is a better way, a road that leads to salvation. It is a road that will take me away from the Badlands and the darkness. I understand the road may be long, it may wind through difficult places but ultimately, with you holding my hand, I know that I will reach that place where I need not be afraid any longer. I need not hurt and lash out but instead I can harness the real goodness that is somewhere deep inside me.

You told me that it is there and I believe you. You know about these things. That is the way you have been made. You are the carer, the healer and the peacemaker. You must understand why it is that you are so special to me. You are the only one who truly understands what is to be me and you are the only one who can save me. I will place my heart in your hands and let you care for it. I have been broken, I have been broken for far too long, a shattered and fractured creature who has had to endure living this way without any hope of redemption, until you came along. Please, make me a better person. Please care for me and nurse me and hold my hand when the demons come. I look to you and only you and in those optimistic eyes of yours I find absolution.

All I want is to be loved. It is not too much to ask is it. I am a noble yet broken person and you hold the power to make me what I want to be, what I should be. I am like a baby in your arms. I am vulnerable yet with you there anything becomes possible. I know you will love me, care for me and protect me. You will save me. You are the only one.

You fall for this speech.

Every time.

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17 thoughts on “Protection”

  1. I know you will love me, care for me and protect me.

    And the moment you start getting attached to me I will bolt and then play with all the toys I have in my playroom-some dull enough to service me their king anytime i want, some i broke but kept around because they still had a spine left to them ( audacious bitches really), some whose scent distracted me from the pain i feel in my core and of course the new 18 year old’s with daddy issues i am digging my fangs into right now……..

  2. Haunting words. I can still recall my ex-n saying that she needed someone to save her from herself. And who better than me, right??? Ugh.

    1. There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting protection from her man. But when it’s protection from herself, that usually suggests she is self destructive, and hates herself, which is very borderline. Narcs don’t hate themselves. They will play the victim, but they won’t self harm, and keep trying to destroy themselves in different ways. My husband has saved me from myself lots of times, because I struggle with regulating my own intense thoughts and feelings. Thank goodness he is not narc-like in any way.
      Narcs and borderlines are drawn to one another but should stay the hell away from one another. From what I’ve learnt about you Pale Horse, you have many narc like traits, and even could be a narc yourself. And I suspect your ex was a borderline. Not a narc. The two are often mixed up, but both on the same spectrum. Of course BPD’s can be narcissistic too, and therefore many just see us as narcs. So HG is probably treating many from borderline abuse, aswell as narc abuse. If a borderline gets with a narc, that will make her or him ten times worse than what they already are and only increase her symptoms and destructive like behaviour. A borderline needs to be with and in a healthy relationship. Cluster B’s should never mix. It’s a deadly cocktail!

  3. Yes this is the truth …that becomes sarcastically said to protect you ….since you have to be a man now. I see my son in these words ,17 yrs old , I see his blue eyes longing to be innocent and in my arms safe …and dancing. My narc would watch me sing to our children and I could feel his longing to be held and loved as our babies .

  4. Nope never heard it before. Also I don’t believe it’s a special person needed just people who have some knowledge and understanding.
    For all your smoke screen HG I think you should try. You say it would take years to change but how can you know if you have never tried. It’s the unknown. For all you know when you stop extracting fuel something unexpected might happen after a short torturous period. Maybe it will be easier than you think.
    Anyway you will be pleased to know I’m not going to mention it anymore because I don’t want to piss people off on here which I’m clearly doing.
    If you ever know of another person like yourself who is going to try or has please let me know as id really like to read about the experience.

    1. I hope you didn’t take my comment about your tenacity as being pissed off Lynn. That was not my intent.

      At the risk of pushing HGs inaccuracy button:

      I’m sure HG appreciates the sentiment, but he does what works for him. Yes, his world is foreign to us and it can make us feel sad for him, but it’s what he knows and he is more than content with his well-fueled existence.

      Your pleas for HG to change is like somebody telling you that your diet is all wrong and you would be happy like them if you would stop eating meat or vegetables or whatever. And that is just food. It isn’t your entire survival mechanism and way of interacting with the world. He can no more change into what we are than we can change into what he is. At least he is weaponizing us to protect ourselves from the kind that survive the same way as himself. That’s more than any of them would do and something you can certainly hold onto as good.

      1. True with the diet analogy as an example none of us want to be asked to change any part of our life we are content with and functioning well. We are all here though because of one or many relationships causing tremendous pain we need to heal from and also learn what behaviors we need to modify so we can be in healthy relationships (whether romantic, family, professional, etc).
        If I’m not mistaken this blog was at the recommendation by the good doctors to have HG engage with victims hurt by narcissists so he can learn from us as part of his therapy to facilitate change, namely the malevolent and malicious behaviors. He enjoyed writing, had done so before, and they thought it would be a good outlet for him. With its success massively growing each year, it has obviously evolved into a platform for him to educate and consult as a leading resource for narcissism. But at its genesis, and in early dialogue in the comments of the blog articles, although HG always maintained he cannot change, he would also say he was open minded to it if he saw the potential for his life to benefit. So for the Lynn’s and Clarece’s out there, we can have that optimistic outlook. With his awareness, why couldn’t there be some breakthrough for him to retrain, rewire or re-stimulate the part of his brain to allow empathy to develop? Never say never.

      2. Clarece, I was going to use the example of people coming to your home, giving out flyers to attend their church or convert to their religion because their way is the right way to live, but opted for the less inflammatory diet example instead. However, neither is a good analogy in the situation of a personality disorder.

        What I was trying to convey is that people don’t change because somebody, including therapists, preaches to them. And is probably even less effective in those with NPD. They are the doers, not the done to. If there is to be change, it will be because it suits them.

        I agree with the Lynns and the Clareces. I hate NPD. It’s very sad and I reject all the negativity and wish it weren’t true. I wish for HG to have a heart filled with love and empathy and enjoy hugs and babies.

        However, in the real world, I think the most we can hope for is what is happening before our eyes which is nothing less than a miracle in itself. As you stated, the writing suggested by the good doctors has evolved into something they never could have imagined. HG HAS effected change which is evident throughout the evolution of the blog. And we will have even more insight upon the publication of ‘The Creature’ and ‘Little Boy Lost’ (can’t wait!). I have to believe his malicious behaviors have improved as his awareness has increased.

        I agree with Lynn that it would be interesting to read about HG starving himself of fuel, deconstructing and then writing about it. But he’s not going to do it because she or anybody else pleads with him. He appreciates the sentiment and has said as much. Now, we just sit back and watch the transformation continue as far as it can.

      3. No I have no bad thoughts about anyones opinions on here I can just see from all I’ve learnt from HG and other sources that what I’m saying seems impossible, but I just have a feeling Inside very strong about it, that won’t go away and defies the rational and so irritates others that see a dead end. I hate the word impossible.
        I will always have the mindset it’s virgin ground untried and untested and HG is in a unique position to try. A mountaineer doesn’t know when he sets out will he conquer that mountain.
        I’m a fighter so I would say to try to live life without fuel is best when your young fit intelligent charming and desirable than when your old undesirable cognitively challenged through ischemic dementia and ill health.
        One day he will have to face it one way or another.
        I know what he fears loosing now but I also know most of the stuff we fear loosing isn’t worth a jot.
        Let us close the book on this as I know my opinion will always be different from every one else.
        The only person I will discuss this subject with going forward is a narc who has tried or is going to.

    2. Lynn, you were not pissing me off either so don’t worry.
      As far as I can remember, I’m not sure where it was mentioned (maybe in one of the YouTube videos asking HG questions), but I remember him mentioning that it is something that with help from the good doctors he would try at some point. But because of his work etc, it would need to be planned and he would have to have certain measures in place or something of that nature.
      Maybe HG can tell you more if he has the time or correct me if I’m wrong?!

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