The Narcissist and Gifts

THE NARCISSISTAND GIFTSImage result for picture of a rubbish gift

 

What do narcissists think about giving? Well, the starting point is that we are a gift to the world and really, should there be any need for us to give anything more? Of course there is; the giving of gifts provides us with yet another opportunity to manipulate people, exert control and ultimately draw fuel. Some people think that narcissists may not want to give gifts because we hate to do things for other people. The latter part of that point is correct, but the simple fact as ever is that the end justifies the means then we will do that and if that means parting with some of our money to purchase a gift and spending some time selecting it, then so be it. You probably will understand however that when it comes to the giving of gifts, it is nothing at all to do with you. As usual, it is all about us.

  1. Gifts of Seduction. During the seduction of a victim, some of our kind revel in the grand gestures of expensive and wonderful gifts. There may be repeated gifts every few days or some large grandiose gift. Occasionally, we may give careful consideration to what will impress you most but it is always linked into how it will benefit us. The purpose of such gifts is to cause you to admire us, thank us and draw closer to us as a consequence of our generosity and our thoughtfulness. Don’t think that we have been that considerate. You will probably receive a similar gift to the last primary source. If worked last time, so we will do it again. Thus the Somatic Narcissist who selects victims who are into material items may well always purchase some Louboutin shoes for each victim. The Cerebral Narcissist will provide a weighty tome for you to read. Not only is this exclusive hardback expensive but he can tell you all about how much he knows about the subject later. We also rely on the fact that even if the gift is not precisely what you wanted, most people are delighted to receive gifts and during the wonderful, elating and mesmerising seduction, the whole of the effects of our seduction make the receipt of the gift all the more gratifying. It gains kudos from being given against a backdrop of compliments, love, amazing sex, days and nights out and so forth. By appearing thoughtful and generous we draw you closer to us.
  2. Creation of debt. We only give you a gift in order to get something we want and the provision of a gift automatically creates a debt in our mind. It might be that we will control you through this gift, it might be that we use it to gain fuel or to mollify you if we think you are on the brink of leaving us and denying us our fuel. No matter how lavish or expensive the gift, there will be a price to pay for it, either now or later.
  3. Creating the favourite. We often use gifts to create a favourite and generate division. For instance, if we have three nephews, who are still young children, we may give one a larger and more expensive gift to one and smaller and less expensive gifts to the other two and it is obvious. Children will react to this with jealousy, petulance and upset which will generate fuel. It does not stop there. The parents of the nephews may well react to this unequal treatment so there is more fuel forthcoming. If we are challenged as to why we have done this you can expect to be told,

“It is my money and I decide how I spend it.”

We are entitled to do as we want and when it comes to giving gifts there is no exception.

This favouritism will continue all the way through so that a golden child will always fare better at Christmas and birthdays than his or her siblings with the attendant problems that arise. We will even do this when we have gone with an unequal division of assets. The Thought Fuel that arises as we sign the will knowing of the in-fighting that will come about in due course is satisfying indeed.

  1. The Rubbish Gift. This is done by design and often unintentionally. Since we lack empathy, we see no need to consider what somebody else what might really want for their birthday. Thus, we provide them with a hideous jumper that is too big or a garish ornament. The look of dejection and disappointment on that person’s face when they receive a book about butterflies produces a good dose of fuel for us. Of course if they do not seem appropriately happy, this allows us to roll out comments such as: –

“But I thought you loved butterflies.”

“I looked everywhere for that gift.”

“You should be grateful you got anything at all.”

We know you don’t like butterflies. We found the gift in the bargain bin at the supermarket and we know you won’t be grateful, we don’t want you to be, so we can provoke you for some more fuel.

  1. The Residual Fuel. Flowing from the rubbish gift is the expectation that when we next call around the hideous statue of what is meant to be two dolphins in the foam but looks more like a frothing Quasimodo, should be pride of place on your mantelpiece. Alternatively, you should be wearing that migraine inducing jumper. If you are not, you can expect us to play the victim and make you feel guilty for not showcasing our generous gift.
  2. The Wrong Gift. The cousin of the rubbish gift. This gift may be a good gift but it is the wrong one. You may already have one of these items already and a second is of no use. It might be that you asked for a handbag in black and we have bought you one in brown, even though it is the same make. The shoe size might be two sizes out either way, the ring too small, the lingerie too small. We do this because you see the wrapped item and recognise it to be the item you have asked for and your excitement mounts, only then to be dashed by this narrow miss. Yes, you may be able to exchange it, but we will have lost the receipt and such like and we will still make a song and dance if you point out that it is the wrong gift or if you fail to look suitably happy. You can expect comments such as: –

“You have one already. Well, a spare shoe horn is always handy.”

“It is too tight? Not my fault you have put weight on is it?”

“You told me size 7, yes you did. Stop trying to blame me for your mistake.”

“So what if it I a different colour, you should appreciate I bought you something.”

  1. Forgetting a gift. It always provides us with fuel when you expect a gift and none is forthcoming. We derive amusement from seeing you waiting all day, expecting a delivery to the door, or hunting around the house thinking that we have hidden your gift. When evening comes and no gift has been forthcoming your annoyance, upset or dismay provides us with further fuel. We will of course apply selective amnesia or deflection to the situation.

“I thought the anniversary was next week?”

“It’s only Valentine’s day, you shouldn’t expect a gift.”

“You are too old to receive birthday presents now.”

“Is it your birthday? I thought it was on the 21st?”

  1. My gift. You are expecting a gift and there is something expensive sat on the dining table. It is not given to you but sits there all day until you eventually ask if it is for you only to be told it is not and it is for me. Cue crestfallen look and more fuel.
  2. The Respite and Hoover Gift. Part of the seduction family. If we want to bring you back into the Formal Relationship following discard or escape, or if we want to reinstate the golden period, we will supply you with gifts again and endeavour to make them thoughtful so that you provide us with positive fuel and we draw you back to us.
  3. Future Faking. Gifts are not immune from us always promising to buy you something amazing for that forthcoming birthday. This keeps you bound to us, you keep giving us positive fuel from your enthusiastic responses to our promises, but we fail to deliver. We draw fuel and then promise to get it for you for Christmas instead. You know what is going to happen don’t you?
  4. Charity Gifts. If we make some donation to charity whether it cash or equipment, or even items we no longer need for them to sell at a charity store, you can be sure we will let as many people know as possible of our generosity. This gains fuel and maintains our façade.
  5. Outdoing Others. If there is a christening, a baby shower or a wedding we will often go big with our gift giving. If you have a wedding list, we will go off list in order to be different even though that crystal orange juice squeezer is not exactly needed. This form of gift giving is nothing to do with you. The gifts are likely to be lavish and expensive but it is all about showing off and gaining fuel and admiration as opposed to buying someone what they actually want. Of course, any complaint or lack of appreciation will be met with us playing the victim.
  6. Recycling. You end up being given a gift which clearly was a gift to us which we did not want. In some examples we may have even left the gift tag on showing that it was for added reaction. We considered those lavender bath bombs we received to be a total insult so next door can now have them as a house warming gift. Even beyond this, we may even give you as a gift something you gave to us. Not only does this show us to cheapskates it also shows we do not think much of your gift. Fuel abounds.
  7. Proximate Fuel. We gain proximate fuel from witnessing the reaction of our victims to our manipulative gift giving. As you know, we like to cause a scene and what better way that doing so in person, at a party or an event.
  8. Thought Fuel. Gift giving allows a double whammy. We have the chance to gain proximate fuel when we hand the gift over and you unwrap it and we also contemplate your reaction when we are not there. Either siblings fighting over the gift, people expressing their hurt at a tasteless gift, a rubbish one or the wrong one, so we even gain fuel after the event.
  9. The Early Declaration. If we are being grandiose in our gift-giving you can expect to know about your gift on Facebook or similar platforms when we post pictures of it and tell the world what we have got you for your birthday. No surprises for you, but plenty of admiring fuel for us.
  10. What the Last One Got. We buy you a gift and we can see you are not happy with it, underwhelmed or even upset. Of course there will be no sympathy or consideration shown by us. All we will do is remark about what we have got you is bigger, better and more expensive than what the last primary source got and you ought to be grateful. This also works in reverse when we let slip that we did not get you something as good as what the last primary source received because you didn’t get a good birthday present for us (even though you will have done – the reality is no bar to our manipulations).
  11. The Last One Didn’t Appreciate My Gifts. If we sense that you are unhappy with our gift, we gain fuel, but we will also emotionally blackmail you into being please with it by telling you how mean the previous primary source was in that no matter what we bought him he never appreciated the gifts. Suddenly, you are gushing over the tickets to a local amateur dramatic performance of Macbeth, even though you hate plays.
  12. But Look What I Gave You! This is done for future manipulation. If you fail to do something in the future, fail to submit and do what we want, we will hark back (and do so repeatedly) to that marvellous, rare and expensive gift we once got you. As I mentioned above, you always end up paying for the gift in some way.
  13. The Target. The gift we have given you and one which you like and cherish is used in the future as a device to manipulate you and draw fuel form you. We threaten to break the gift or we do break it. We hide it or take it from you. After all, what is ours remains ours and what is yours is still ours anyway since we are entitled and do not recognize boundaries.

Gifts and the act of giving provide us with so many opportunities to draw fuel both positive and negative from people, bind people to us, control them and manipulate them.

What is your experience of the narcissist and gifts?

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20 thoughts on “The Narcissist and Gifts”

  1. I was always devalued with gifts as a DLS. I got a secondhand Easter egg I now realise he didn’t want. A bunch of tulips a jar of coffee, several cheap bottles of wine delivered in carrier bags and a bunch of flowers from the corner shop left on my doorstep during hoovers. The smirks at my horror/dismay at the cheapness of the gift, a small token he would say. he never remembered my birthday never gave me xmas presents. Always putting me down. Making me feel undervalued.

  2. My maternal grandmother narc only gifted at holidays and then typically gifted heirlooms so that I would be compelled to accept and keep the item, because ‘you can’t throw out our family history!’ My first narc partner was a cheapskate and only gave me one gift. My second narc used gifts of seduction, the flowers and dinners out, etc. But when I escaped, I woke up one morning to find he’d left a gift I’d given him returned to me on my doorstep. It was a good IGH as it definitely tugged at my heartstrings and I almost went back.

  3. All of the narcs in my life we’re good gift givers…. Esp Narcmom who had a thing about Christmas. Not sure why or what that means but…I’ll take it. I got the phone Im writing this message on for my birthday last November. 🤷🏻‍♀️

  4. Great writing and classification. It was super interesting to see narc behavior very well labeled and classified. I think I know 3 narcs. 2 of them never gave me any gifts (I think they were mid-ranger and lower narcs). The new narc in my life I believe is a greater. He gave me right now a super expensive technology piece because I will be helping him to build a startup company. I think he is doing it for the Creation of debt. I had been doing a lot of free work for him so I totally deserve the technology he gave me. But he discussed it about all the future things I need to do with him now. When I was escaping he also told me had books for me he wanted to gift me. hahahah exactly what you said.

    Do you guys think greaters have more tendency to give gifts? They have more money likely so maybe they can do this more.

    Man I should be escaping not accepting gifts … A year ago btw I escaped from my mid-ranger. He has not been in contact. I think its because he sees the greater narc in my life. The greater narc has a similar job as the mid-rangern but way more succesful. I think that’s why.

    Good writing HG

  5. OMG Patricia!

    Well my narc really was something else.

    For Valentines day he gave me a jar of marmalade/jam/thing – I was bewildered

    He gave me a second hand pair of the most disgusting walking sandals I have ever seen – I thanked him again thinking inside wtf he’s a weirdo!

    In my kitchen I have a large vase of flowers on the window sill and one day as I returned home from work to find he had picked the wheat from the fields behind my house and put them in the vase – again weird

    For Christmas he gave me a pop up cloth storage 2 drawer thing from Ikea

    He gave me a rose gold bangle – that didn’t fit – because it was for a child

    He never had any money so I was grateful for everything at the time – It was only after the escape I can see he gave to receive (fuel).

    When we first met he gave me a miniature Yankee candle – weird – but it was by far the best present out of everything from him lol!

  6. My narc is a cheapskate but in a way id rather that then be showered with gifts with strings all over the place. You just know theyll throw it back in your face or use it in some way to hurt you.

  7. I did get a custom made engagement ring…But later discovered it was mostly fake ..other then the plated 14 caret gold…Oh yeah and he fu**** the jeweler who made it for me .I found out a year later .yeah…good times

  8. A Rolex which come to find out she purchased with the proceeds from selling her wedding ring from her previous marriage..

  9. Im 48 years old and I’m just now discovering NPD! Im still in disbelief and in shock. Been married to husband 13 years this month. soooo….about the gifts I’ve recieved, well yea they were junk gifts for sure. Well Ive received 1 that he’d actually bought and paid for. A pair of hideous blue pajamas. Another was a neon green t shirt, he said it’d be easier to see me out when I’m working helping HIM mow lawns on his job. Never bought me the wedding ring he’d promises, I bought them both, his and mine. Oh yea he gave me a China tea set at X-mas, after he took it back from the girl he’d been seeing on the sly.

  10. I’ve had gifts I didn’t want or never asked for. I’ve also had gifts where they use it to manipulate or control me in some way. I’ve had not just flowers literally nearly the whole flower shop, I kid you not!!! There were so many flowers I literally did not know what to do with them all,and did not have enough vases to put them in. There were just too many. But of course he loved the fact that they were all around my house, because then I’m thinking of him. That’s what he wanted and of course to show off, and me be able to say, he was the one that has bought me the most flowers! (Yes he was rich!) But what I’ve done on a few occasions is everything they’ve bought me in the time I was with them, apart from things eaten, or flowers…. even if they live in another country, and even if the gifts have been worn or used, like a watch, or a pair of shoes, I pack everything up into a box, and post everything back to them. Ah that was fun I must say! They didn’t like that much…. I did though. A note in it would say: “Here ya go, have your shit back!” Lol!

  11. My ex- narcissist was a terrible gift giver. There was always a score card- okay how much did you spend on Christmas and then he would have to match that to keep things even. For birthdays he would take me shopping because he couldn’t put forth effort or energy to select something that I would like– no cake even though I did this once for his birthday but then no more. Even with his own children he would wait till the last minute and have the youngest write out a list of things for him to purchase– “it just made things easier.” He never cared about anyone to find out what they would like for holidays and birthdays. Another red flag ignored.

  12. I have only had these experiences with female gift givers as in Mother-in-law , sisters .

  13. oh boy! Here is a whammy! This just past Christmas- he was hoovering me again, seeing me a couple of weekends a month and I thought we were back on track— He asked me to go and pay for a piece of luggage from TUMI as they did not accept payment over the phone and he would give me a cheque when we saw me the next day (He does not live in the same city) So, I did. Then when he was here (on his way to a large resort he owns for Christmas with his ‘kids’) I noticed what was clearly a watch box and a smaller one in his briefcase that was clearly a ring box or earring box- both beautifully wrapped!! The next morning he carefully laid out an envelope on top of an unwrapped box of cheap bath products and carefully placed the envelope on top. When he was in the shower I opened the envelope with my name on it- and the cheque was for exactly the cost of the piece of luggage– then I saw the cheap bath products and burst out laughing—!!!! Really???!!!
    While he was away with his ‘kids’ I called the TUMI store as the piece had to be brought in- and inquired as the initials MEP–hmmm none of his kids have those initials—- Sure enough- he had me pay for a piece of luggage he ordered in for his new IPPS- or candidate IPPS!!!!! Can you believe that????? Yes, I went off the deep-end– made his Christmas horrible by being an idiot -drinking too much, calling and texting for days!!! WTF- !!!!!! Can you imagine???

    1. I already owned a heavy silver necklace which has a disc with ‘ return to Tiffany, London’ on it. He had return to ( his name) inscribed on the reverse…..

  14. My experience is the same story as above. A dusty bottle of wine that had sat in the kitchen corner for yrs…once he offered lingerie that had belonged to his 1st wife from 30 yrs ago.
    Are you aliens? So very bizarre…

  15. commitment rings matching with names inscribed inside. Gaudy yellow clearly gold plated, wore off and turned silver quickly. Told me he wanted me to marry him and asked me to wear it until I did and then he would buy me a massive diamond and expensive wedding ring. Truth is I loved the cheap ring and just wanted him to stay how he was then forever. He wanted to buy me a watch and asked what I liked. i said a big face with clear numbers easy to see at a glance in poor lighting, I got a massive heavy watch with massive strap and white dashes you could hardly see I hated wearing it but never said a thing. A cheap necklace but I loved it. When he threw me away I couldn’t look at it without crying my heart out. One day I just dropped it in the bin unable to bear the pain of seeing it anymore. I was uncontrollable I wanted to die.

  16. This hasn’t been my experience at all. I’ve been involved with numerous narcissists, and never got a lot of gifts. My ex-husband gave me gifts, but I usually chose them myself. A man I was recently involved with gave me one gift in four years: a book. My last N is literally a billionaire (confirmed because he is well known) and he never gave me anything. I think, if I have to have all the manipulation, craziness and pain, I should have received more gifts! 🙂

    1. Jaimie,
      I never got any gifts either. What few attempts he made at gifts over the last 45 years were rubbish! My very best gifts are when our daughter tells him what I want and gets the money from him, and either she or I buy it!

  17. My ex narc did all but #3 and #9 with me. I hated any gift-giving occasion because it was pure torture in the time leading up to it, during the exchange and afterwards, sometimes for years as he punished me for my “mistake.” Nice to get some validation, tho. Thanks!

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